‘The fish has been returned to the PALS aquarium where I assume it came from,’ Miss Fortress said. ‘And anyway, it didn’t look like a Gregory.’
She opened her laptop and started to take the register.
Poor Bob.
When I filled Jess in at break, she was relieved to find out what had happened to Bob but agreed that we had to rescue him immediately, even though it meant going to the one place in school we were desperate to avoid.
At lunchtime, we waited around the corner from the PALS suite until we saw the kids filing out of the door before afternoon registration. We had two minutes to get in, get Bob and get back to our classrooms. It was going to be tighter than my mum’s Zumba leggings. I started to edge into the corridor when Jess pulled me back.
‘Someone’s coming!’ she hissed.
The door to the PALS suite was open and Jason came walking out, looking very pleased with himself.
‘That’s odd,’ I said. ‘Why would Jason be in PALS? He loathes all that stuff.’
‘Yeah, he doesn’t seem like a love and hugs kind of boy. Watch out, he’s coming this way!’
I looked around. In the movies, there’s always a broom cupboard to hide in, but we had nothing. Just an empty corridor. We needed a plan B.
‘Get the invisibility cloak!’
Jess sighed at me and grabbed my hand, just as Jason came around the corner.
‘Scuzzo – what a surprise. I usually smell you coming from ten miles away. What are you doing hiding in the corridor with your freakish girlfriend?’
‘None of your business,’ Jess said, and made a big obvious fuss of letting go of my hand.
‘Oh my God! You were holding hands! Were you two freaks kissing? This is brilliant, I can’t wait to tell Ronnie.’ He walked off, laughing.
‘Was that necessary, Jess? Now they have another reason to make my life hell.’
‘Seeing as your best idea was an invisibility cloak, I’d say it was necessary. And trust me, it was far more painful for me than it was for you. Now let’s go, we’re running out of time.’
We ran down the corridor, slipped inside the door and tiptoed into the main room, where Bob was being held captive.
‘Do you have to do such a stupid exaggerated walk?’ Jess snapped at me.
‘Yes, I do. It makes the mission more fun. Have you heard about fun, Jess? Most people like to have it.’
‘I have plenty of fun.’
‘No, Jess, you’re a fun-sucker. You suck the fun right out of everything.’
‘Shut up, you’re making too much noise. Someone will hear us.’
There was a loud click behind us as the door closed, and the sound of a key turning in the lock. I didn’t dare turn around.
‘She’s right, someone will hear you, although Jessica’s ridiculous boots were as loud as your attempts at whispering.’
Of course, Miss Smilie was behind us.
‘I’m not even going to ask why you two are here, but I’m delighted that you’ve come. I’ve been wanting to get you into my suite for some time.’
For a few seconds we just stood there, saying nothing, trying to remember to breathe, while Miss Smilie smiled, not blinking, enjoying the fact that she finally had us in her clutches. For the first time I could remember, her smile looked genuine. It was a cold, cruel smile, and it didn’t have the usual look of being forced onto her face, like it hurt her to have to stretch those muscles. It was spontaneous and it was real, and that scared me more than any of the threats-disguised-as-being-nice that she liked to dish out. I couldn’t think of anything to say.
‘We just wanted to look at the fish,’ Jess said, with a face like my sister’s when she’s just been caught eating Nutella out of the jar with her finger. It wasn’t the best excuse. Only Jess would make up stories to get herself out of trouble that are actually more truth than lies.
‘If you join PALS, you can come and look at my fish as often as you like.’
Jess snorted. I suddenly felt a little less afraid.
‘Come on, Miss, that’s a terrible line! You’re one step away from being a stranger trying to lure us into his van to see his puppies. There’s a Life Coach play about that, just FYI.’
‘Well, OMG don’t you BFFs just make me LOL.’ She was getting annoyed.
‘You shouldn’t talk like that, Miss, it’s not right for a woman of your age. Leave it for the kids or it’s going to be embarrassing for all of us,’ I said.
She took a few steps towards us, all casually, like she just wanted to have a chat about last week’s X-Factor. Maybe I’d pushed her too far.
‘I’m convinced that you’re the perfect candidate for PALS, Alex. Why don’t you come with me to the testing room, and we’ll find out?’
‘Oh! The testing room. Did you hear that, Jess? She wants us to go to the testing room.’
‘Makes more sense.’
‘Totally. I’d much rather be tested than tasted. Less brain eating, more spelling. I’m pretty good at spelling.’
‘I don’t think it’s that kind of testing, Alex.’ Jess was watching Smilie like a mouse watches a cat, which totally works because Jess is so small and Miss Smilie is all teeth and claws.
‘Jessica is right. It’s a short test to see if you’re PALS material. And don’t worry: everyone is PALS material, one way or another.’
Miss Smilie gave the door to the testing room a gentle pull and it creaked open, loudly and slowly until we could see inside. In it was a single desk and chair. On the desk was a black box with some knobs and switches on it. It was blocky and had a few wires poking out of it – it looked like a games console from the olden days. Attached to it on a long, curly cord was a pair of huge headphones. I didn’t know exactly what it was or how it worked, but I knew that if I put those headphones on, I’d never be the same again. Gulp.
‘I told you your doors needed looking at, Miss. You should do something about that creak. You wouldn’t want people thinking there was something sinister going on in there.’
‘Why don’t you step inside and put on the headphones?’
I can’t tell you how much I didn’t want to go in there. I was proper scared. I glanced over at the aquarium and locked eyes with Bob. He was swimming on the spot, just treading water, looking through the aquarium wall. I never would have thought that you could tell how a goldfish was feeling, just by looking at it, but I looked at Bob and I knew he was even more terrified than I was. I had to distract Smilie and buy some time for Jess to get him out.
‘If you don’t mind, I’d like to check out your equipment first. No offence, but it looks like you made it yourself and judging by your lack of proper door maintenance, I’d say that machine is a death trap.’
‘No, Alex! Don’t do it.’ Jess grabbed my arm.
‘I have to.’ I nodded my head towards the aquarium so she would understand what I wanted her to do. She shook her head.
‘Jess,’ I said, ‘sometimes you just have to YOLO it.’
I walked into the testing room.
‘Take a seat, Mr Sparrow.’ Miss Smilie had followed me in. The room was small so I was really close to her. She smelt like the cupboard where my mum keeps the safety pins and Calpol.
‘Let me just do up my shoelace, I don’t want to trip.’ I started to bend down thinking I could unplug the machine without her noticing.
‘Your shoes have velcro straps.’
‘Oh, yes, my bad – I thought I was wearing my other shoes.’ Why did my mum have to get me stupid velcro shoes? Clearly shoelaces were essential for spy work. I’d have to talk to her about it when I got home. If I got home. That was over-dramatic; I was obviously going to get home, even if I was talking in rhymes and forcing hugs on everyone.
‘Now, let me take a look at this – maybe I can fix it for you? I got my sister’s V-Tech working again after someone accidentally dropped it in the toilet.’
‘Actually, we’re getting an upgrade soon, and in the meantime this one works perfectly
.’
She put a hand on my shoulder and pushed me down into the chair, sliding the testing machine away from me so it was just out of reach.
‘Why are the walls all puffy?’ I asked, trying to keep her talking so I could think up a brilliant plan.
‘They’re soundproofed, Alex. Once the door is closed, no one outside can hear what’s happening inside. You could scream with all your might and nobody would ever know.’
OK, really wish I hadn’t asked. I felt around in my pocket to see if there was anything in there that could help me. All I found was some Pokemon cards, an empty Haribo packet and a mini can of air freshener I’d started carrying around with me, for obvious reasons.
I had an idea.
‘I think I can smell that unpleasant odour you mentioned before, Miss.’ I sniffed the air, which obviously ponged because, hey, I was in the room and I’d told a couple of lies.
Miss Smilie sniffed too. ‘Yes, that stench does seem to follow you around, but we won’t need to worry about that any longer.’ She picked up the headphones.
‘I’m just going to freshen the room up a bit,’ I said, and I sprayed the air freshener in Smilie’s direction.
She breathed a bit in and started to cough.
‘Woah, the stink is so bad, it’s making you choke! I’d better spray some more.’ I jumped out of the chair, spraying as I backed towards the door and got out into the main room at the same time as Jess came running towards me with her bag. At that moment, Miss Fortress came in through the double doors. We were trapped. Miss Smilie was striding out of the testing room, and Miss Fortress barred our escape.
‘Hope,’ Miss Smilie smiled, ‘what are you doing here? I was just inducting these two pupils into the PALS scheme.’
‘Oh, I thought the suite was empty! We were discussing the study of fish in class earlier, so I came to have a look at your wonderful aquarium. Mr Crumpet let me in. I hope you don’t mind, Joanna.’ Miss Fortress looked at Jess and me. ‘I’m sure Alex and Jess would benefit from a bit of calming meditation. Amongst other things. But what is that dreadful smell? It doesn’t seem conducive to peace and mindfulness.’
‘Mr Sparrow detected an odour problem and was trying to eradicate it. I was just about to help him get rid of it … permanently.’
‘Then let me help you!’ Miss Fortress snatched the can of air freshener out of my hand and started waving it around, spraying and spraying. The smell filled the room in a lemon-scented fog. It was so strong that it made my eyes water. It was so strong that I could taste it. Miss Fortress was clearly as keen to get rid of my stink as everyone else was.
With both Fortress and Smilie there, I didn’t know how we were going to get away.
That’s when the fire alarm went off.
‘Oh no! I must have sprayed too close to the smoke detectors!’ Miss Fortress said, tossing the empty can across the room into the bin. ‘Alex, Jess, you’d better leave by the fire exit and join your classes at the congregation point on the field. I’ll go and explain to the Head.’
She held the door open for us and we ran.
When we got outside, panting for breath, Jess turned to me and said, ‘Alex, are you OK?’
‘Yes, friend!’ I gave her my best PALS smile. It was mean, I know, but I couldn’t help myself.
‘No! Alex, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have let you go in there.’ Jess looked like she was going to cry. ‘What am I going to do now?’
‘Tell me you got Bob out OK.’ I grinned at her.
She punched me hard in the arm. ‘So not funny, Alex.’
‘You should have seen your face, though!’
‘I hate you.’
‘Nah, you don’t. Judging by how upset you were when you thought I’d become a PALS pal, I’d say you actually like me. Loads.’
‘Only because I felt responsible for you in the same way I would if a stray cat turned up at my door.’
‘You’re saying these words, but all I can hear is, “I love you, Alex!’’’
‘I’m never talking to you again.’
We were almost at the fire drill congregation point on the field and had to separate to join our classes. I waved at Darth, who was waiting for Jess.
‘Did you get Bob?’
‘Yeah, I got him. He’s in one piece but I think he’s in shock. We need to get him home.’
‘Meet you at the gate after school?’
‘See you there.’
We walked home from school super-fast, raced to Bob’s tank and gently tipped him in.
‘How did Smilie know we were there again?’ I said. ‘She must have a marauder’s map.’
‘She has not got a marauder’s map,’ Jess huffed. ‘But I do think she has something which is telling her where we are.’
‘Well, whatever it is, we need to get rid of it. We can’t get away with anything anymore.’ I was so hot from all that running around that I had to take my hat off.
‘Please put that back on, Alex,’ Jess said. ‘I could really do without having to deal with the full horror of your ear this evening.’
‘That’s rude.’
‘With your ear and that awful air freshener, I’ve already thrown up in my mouth today.’
She picked up my hat and raised her arm as if she was going to throw it at me. But she stopped.
‘Weird,’ she said.
‘Yes. Yes you are.’
‘No, not me. Your hat.’
‘I thought you liked my hat!’
‘I do! But I can feel something inside it.’
‘What do you mean?’ I said, and I snatched it out of her hand. ‘Oh, fudge, you’re right, there is something in there. Maybe it’s a spider.’
I dropped it on the floor.
‘I don’t think it’s a spider,’ Jess said, looking down at it.
‘How can you be sure, though?’ I asked, climbing onto one of the high stools at the breakfast bar, just in case.
‘It would have run off when you dropped it. Or at least I would have heard it swear when it hit the floor. Poor thing.’
‘Oops, yeah,’ I said. ‘Sorry, mister not-there spider. It’s just, with your fat body and long legs, and the running and stuff, you freak me out.’
‘Alex, you’re talking to a not-spider. That’s a new low, even for you.’
‘But if it’s not a spider, then what is it and how did it get there?’
‘Someone must have put it there,’ Jess said. ‘Can you think when that might have happened?’
‘No!’ I said, horrified. ‘It’s always on my head!’
We stood in silence, looking at my hat like it was a pile of dog poo on the kitchen floor. And then, I remembered.
‘Except for the time Smilie caught me at the PALS door and told me to take it off. I put it in my pocket, though.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I think so, but I rushed off.’
‘And when did you next have it after that?’
‘We were in the playground, practising the adamantium filter and Jason found it on the floor…’
I trailed off as I realised what had happened.
‘You must have dropped it at the PALS suite,’ Jess said. ‘Then Smilie must have taken it and planted it in the playground.’
‘What’s she done to it, Jess?’ I whispered.
‘We need to check it out,’ she said. ‘You’d better pick it up.’
‘Why don’t you pick it up?’ I said, not wanting to touch it.
‘It’s your hat.’
‘Fine!’ I rolled up a magazine that was on the kitchen counter and poked at the hat with it. Nothing happened.
‘What do you think it’s going to do? Explode?’
Yes. ‘No, of course not.’
Jess raised an eyebrow. ‘Alex, you’ve been wearing it for days. If she’d wanted to blow you up, she’d have done it by now.’
I braced myself, bent down and picked it up. I shook it and turned it inside out but couldn’t see anything unusual.
‘Try under the forehead flap,’ Jess said.
I lifted the furry flap and gasped. Hidden underneath was a tiny, black, metal device.
‘What the hell is that?’ Jess backed away.
‘I’ve seen these before,’ I said, with the air of an experienced agent. ‘Tracking device.’
‘What? Where have you seen them before?’
‘At the Aaaaaaaaaah. And on TV.’
‘So that’s how she turns up everywhere we are. How awful!’
I ripped the device out of my poor hat and threw it on the floor. ‘This evil must be destroyed,’ I said in my best Batman voice, and I lifted my foot to stomp on it.
‘Wait!’ Jess shouted.
‘Why? We need to get rid of it! She knows where we are ALL THE TIME!’
‘Yes, but she doesn’t know that we know that she knows. We could use this.’
I put my foot back down. It was quite good thinking from Jess, though I wasn’t about to tell her that. ‘So we keep it and pretend we haven’t found it?’
‘Exactly. At least for a while.’
‘OK, but I’m putting it at the bottom of the drawer for now. I don’t want to look at it.’
‘Me neither,’ Jess said. ‘Let’s see what Bob found out.’
The poor little guy was still a bit shaky. Before we asked him about the mission, we let him talk for a while about his time in the PALS aquarium. You have to understand that for a dude who needs everything to be exactly a certain way, being in a new environment with a hundred strange fish was a nightmare. They kept trying to talk to him; they kept swimming in places where someone else had just pooed; they invaded his personal space. He said he would have died if it hadn’t been for one gentle, kind and symmetrically pleasing fish called Elle, who found him a quiet corner and kept the others away.
‘So, what the beep happened in there? I was in the testing room and when I ran out, Miss Fortress was suddenly there, acting like a maniac as usual. Why did she come? Her looking at the fish excuse was weak. Was she trying to help Smilie?’
‘I’m not sure,’ Jess said. ‘I would say they don’t like each other from the way they were talking.’
Alex Sparrow and the Really Big Stink Page 8
