by D. Kelly
I don’t want to let him go. He needs someone with him; he’s too little to fight by himself. Noah would go with him. “You’re not taking him anywhere without me.”
With an agreeable nod, the doctor relents. “That we can do. Follow the nurse to the scanner.”
As we exit the room, Wyatt is leaning against the wall crying. He tries wiping his tears away and follows us. When the nurse tries to take Nate, I don’t want to let him go. “Is it safe for him?”
“Safer than not doing anything. Because of the trauma, we need to get a clear picture.” She smiles kindly at me. “You’ll have him back in your arms in less than two minutes, unless there’s an issue,” she cautions softly as I hand him over.
Wyatt pulls me into a hug and we both dissolve into sobs. “Anna’s already on a plane with Sam,” he says, trying to catch his breath as he pulls back. “Everyone else is on their way. Mac said they finally got Darren away from Belle. That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.”
“It took us twenty minutes to fly. They won’t be here for at least an hour,” I reply.
“I’m so glad the baby made it. How’s Mel?”
“Fucked up. Broken wrist, three broken bones in her back, so many cuts and bruises. And she still managed to push that baby out. I’m pretty sure she’s got a hell of a concussion, too.”
“Does she understand what happened to Noah?”
“I don’t think so, she was kind of out of it. She freaked when they took him, but they knocked her out right away. I’m not sure what we do, Wyatt. I need to be with Nate and Mel, but I need to be with Noah.”
“Noah is going to be fine. He didn’t survive Sara’s attack to give up now. He’s a dad and a husband. Noah isn’t going to give up.”
He’s right. Noah will be fine, we all will. Except Belle and Harold.
“When we were leaving, Mac was setting up all the security precautions for the hospital. Noah and Mel are supposed to be on some state-of-the-art VIP floor. Warren texted me and said he called Harold’s wife and it was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. He also said your parents were going to wait to tell Veronica about Belle. They wanted her secluded on the private jet first.”
“This wasn’t supposed to happen, Wyatt. I should have been on that bus and Belle should have been on yours. It should have been me, not her.”
“Fuck that, Sawyer, it shouldn’t have happened at all. Cadence doesn’t deserve to grow up without a mother. Mel didn’t deserve to have what should have been the happiest day of her life turn into her biggest nightmare, and Noah … Fuck, man, Noah is a goddamn saint. He deserves this least of all.”
“Mr. Weston?” The nurse is smiling as she walks out of the room with Nate. “All his scans are clear. This little boy really is a gift from God. Most traumas don’t end this happily for the infant. Someone has this blessed baby.”
Belle … she somehow saved him.
I clutch Nate closely when she hands him to me. She looks at me and Wyatt and shakes her head.
“Let’s get the two of you into some clean scrubs while we bathe the baby. We’re moving Amelia to the VIP floor and Noah will be there after his surgery. You two can wait for the doctors and your family in the private waiting area. After you’re settled, I’ll bring Nate to you and you can give him his first feeding. How does that sound?”
It sounds like a terrible idea. His parents should be feeding him, not me.
“His parents—”
Her sympathetic eyes meet mine. “Are incapacitated right now, but I’m pretty sure they’d rather his uncle feed him than Nurse Reynolds, although it would be my pleasure if you’re not ready.”
Take care of my wife and my son until I can. I need my little brother’s help, don’t let me down.
“It’s fine. I’d be honored to take care of Nate until they can. In fact, I’d prefer it.”
“Good. Let’s go get you all settled in. It could be a few hours before Noah is out of surgery.”
Waiting
Sawyer
For the last hour, Wyatt and I have been pacing around Mel’s room. She’s completely out of it, but it makes us feel better to be with her and Nate. I’ve felt sick to my stomach all night and I hate that Noah is still in surgery. All I could think of while I was feeding Nate was how Noah was missing his first bottle. One thing I knew for sure is Mel wasn’t going to breastfeed, so at least I didn’t have that guilt plaguing my subconscious.
There’s a soft knock at the door and Nurse Reynolds peeks her head in. “The doctors will meet you in the waiting room in a few minutes. I’ll take the baby to the nursery until you come back. Amelia will probably sleep through the night, so we can take care of him while you rest.”
“No, I’ll take care of Nate, but thank you for the offer. I’ll come get him when we’re done.”
Wyatt and I exchange sad glances and walk to the waiting room. Within seconds, two doctors sit with us and I know right away it’s not good news. They have shitty poker faces.
“It’s bad, isn’t it?” I manage to choke out.
“Yes, Mr. Weston, I’m afraid it is. Noah suffered severe blunt force trauma to his head.”
Wyatt interrupts, “Yeah but he’ll be okay … right?”
“No, I’m sorry, he won’t be. There’s no easy way to say this … Noah is on life support but he has no brain activity.”
No …
No …
No … this isn’t happening.
“Wait … what exactly are you saying? How is that possible? He was just talking to us and holding his son.” Wyatt clutches my shoulder as tears begin streaming down my cheeks.
“Mr. Weston, Noah was alert and oriented at the scene. His pupils were equal and reactive, he was completely coherent and responding properly. He complained of a minor headache but showed no signs of distress. His Glasgow Coma Scale was a fifteen, which is the best score you can get. His heart rate was elevated but nothing abnormal, considering the circumstances.”
The doctor sighs and meets my eyes. “Noah’s brain injury was what we call catastrophic. After impact, he went into what is called a lucid interval. Sometimes these intervals last only minutes, other times, hours. It’s why we needed to get him scanned immediately upon arrival. With his extensive injuries he was fortunate to make it to the hospital, let alone talk to his wife and hold his child. Many would say it’s a medical miracle.”
He’s not saying what I think he’s saying. This isn’t happening. Not to Noah. Please, God, not to Noah.
With a sympathetic gaze, he continues, “At this time, Noah is being kept alive by artificial respirations made by the life support. Once we remove those respirations, he will pass away. Noah developed an epidural hematoma when he struck his head. The bleeding inside his skull was severe enough to cause his brain to shift and herniate, which has left him with no neurological activity.”
My body breaks out in a cold sweat. I hear his words, understand them, but they’re not breaking through.
“He’s brain dead? Noah is brain dead?!” Wyatt exclaims, clamping down tighter on my shoulders.
“Yes, I’m afraid he is. I’m sorry for your loss. I know this is difficult to hear, but we’ll monitor him over the next twelve hours. We’ll check his neurological functions in six-hour increments. While there is no hope for recovery, it’s hospital protocol and required by law. Do you know if your brother has an advanced directive, or someone assigned to be his medical power of attorney? We need to know his wishes. Otherwise, his wife will have to make them for him. In her condition, I’d prefer to not put more stress on her if possible.”
Brain dead.
Noah’s brain dead.
My brother is dead.
The buzzing in my ears tries to swallow me alive but I push past it. Breaking down now isn’t an option—I have to be strong. I’m the only one who can be.
“I’m not sure. Noah was a planner. Our attorney would have all that information, but …
I know for sure Noah wants to be an organ donor.” Those are words I never thought I’d have to say.
“If you could get hold of him in the morning, that would be best. In the meantime, you’re welcome to spend as much time with your brother as you and your family need. Mr. Weston, we’re very sorry for your loss.” The regret in his eyes is sincere, his tone nothing but compassionate. “As far as organ donation, we aren’t technically supposed to bring it up until he’s been officially declared brain dead, which will come after twelve hours. At that time, we’ll have a representative from the Organ Procurement Network come and talk to you and your family about the process and how it works.”
My resolve not to break goes out the window with his words. This is real and Noah isn’t coming back to me … ever. All his dreams and wishes … gone. Four kids lost their parents tonight, three people lost their spouses, two sets of parents lost their children—we should have never done this final tour.
I barely realize the doctors are leaving as Wyatt and I hold one another, sobbing. Fucking hell. How am I going to tell Mel? My parents … I don’t think I can handle that feral cry from my mom twice in one lifetime.
“What happened?” Warren cries out as he walks into the room with everyone else behind him. Wyatt and I pull apart and take them in. The vacant look in Darren’s eyes says more than words ever could. But that’s not the worst part. They’re barely five steps into the room when my entire family and Veronica rush in behind them.
“Sawyer, what’s happened?” my mom asks, clutching my dad tightly. Jordan, Diane, Rob, and Rory are all lined up with them.
“Sit down, guys. We need to talk.” My voice sounds foreign; I don’t even know where the will to speak is coming from. I’m doing everything I can to not let what the doctor said permeate into my psyche because when it does sink in, the reality of losing Noah may actually kill me.
They stumble to their seats and Wyatt and I do our best to relay the events of the night and what the doctor said. If I thought my mom’s grief at Jordan’s house was bad, I was wrong. This is a million times worse. I just broke all their hearts in one fell swoop, and the collective sounds of their grief is almost as painful as knowing I have to say goodbye to Noah. Darren is sitting on the floor against the wall, knees curled up to his chest, sobbing.
I wish I were with him.
“Where’s my baby girl?” Veronica manages to choke out.
“Didn’t you guys—”
“Mel is my baby girl just as much as Belle is … was …” she trails off, crying. “I need to see my Mel and her son.”
My mom stands up and clutches Veronica. “I’d like to see Mel and Nate as well, then someone needs to take me to see my son.” She sobs in agony, but she and Veronica hold each other tight. While my family and friends grieve and try to console one another, Cadence sleeps the night away in her carrier. I’ve never been happier to see her safe and sound.
As I lead Mom and Veronica to Mel’s room, I can’t stop the tears from falling. Wiping them away is pointless because they’re relentless. “She doesn’t know,” I say, pausing outside her door, “and I don’t know how I’m going to tell her.”
“The only way out is through, Sawyer. We’ll tell her together as a family. She’s going to need us all more than ever right now.” My mom is walking through the depths of hell but her family is still her focus.
After we enter Mel’s room, Nurse Reynolds brings Nate in. “I thought you might like him with you,” she says softly as she passes him to me.
“Thank you,” I reply, and she leaves us to grieve. Looking down at him now has a whole different meaning than it did an hour ago. My nephew is officially fatherless. I’m officially brotherless.
Twinless.
Noah and I have always been connected. I don’t know who I am without him. We came in as a pair; I never imagined us going out any differently. I’m nothing without Noah.
Mom reaches over and takes Nate from me. “He’s the spitting image of Noah,” she says through a broken smile.
“Does she know about Belle?” Veronica asks as she sits by Mel’s bedside.
“She suspected, but I’m not sure how much she’ll remember. She’s pretty banged up and was in an excessive amount of pain. I still don’t know how she delivered him in that much agony.”
“She had an angel looking out for her. My Belle.” She turns her attention back to Mel. “Baby girl, I’m so glad you’re still here with us. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost you, too.”
My mom leans over and kisses Mel on the cheek before passing Nate to Veronica. “I’m going to go see Noah.”
She flees the room so quickly I don’t know what to do, but I’m compelled to stay and listen when Veronica begins speaking.
“Tonight will always be remembered as one of the worst days of our lives. Someday, as our sadness lessens, we’ll put the happiness ahead of the pain. Nathaniel, you are the bright light in our darkest day. You and your mama were saved for a reason. God knows what He’s doing even if we don’t understand. Happy birthday, little man. Welcome to the world.”
It’s through her words I’m reminded even more of Noah’s belief in fate. As Veronica cries over her losses, she’s also rejoicing over new life and the fact Mel was spared. If I know anything about Mel, she’s going to wish she wasn’t. We’re more alike than we are different, especially now that we’re the siblings left behind.
Exiting the room quietly, I give Veronica some privacy. As my body finds purchase against the wall, my legs give out and I sink to the ground. Burying my head in my hands, I’m sure my cries can be heard throughout the building, but I don’t care—my pain is all-consuming and it’s demanding to be set free.
Within minutes, Darren is sitting next to me, both of us lost in our grief. Eventually, Veronica comes out of Mel’s room with Nate. Darren, seeing Nate for the first time, stands and reaches his arms out to hold him.
“He looks like Noah, look at all that hair. Belle would be so pissed she missed this. Life is so fucking unfair.”
This baby is like a healing balm when you hold him. Your sadness lessens because you want everything to be okay for him. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I pull up the photos I got of Noah when he got to hold Nate.
“This is all he’s ever going to have of his dad,” I tell them sadly.
Veronica gasps and holds my wrist. “And it will be the most precious gift he will ever receive. You need to forward those photos to your email or back them up to the cloud so you’ll always have them. I know Mel will be grateful for them. I’m going to the chapel. I need some time to try and get right with God.”
After she leaves, Darren and I move back into Mel’s room. No one else has been by yet. I’m sure they’re all keeping vigil over Noah. As much as I want to see him, I can’t when they’re all in there.
“She looks peaceful. How bad are her injuries?” Darren asks wearily as he takes a seat next to her bedside.
“Nowhere near as bad as they could have been. They said Nate shouldn’t have made it. You saw that bus … no one should have made it out. She’s got cuts, bruises, sprains and strains, a broken wrist, and three broken bones in her back. She’ll need help and be in pain for a while, but she’s alive.”
“That’s what Belle would have wanted. I just wish she’d made it out, too. Her and Noah. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her, what Cadence is going to do without her mom. What any of us are going to do without Noah.” He’s trying to hold back his sobs since he’s holding Nate, but it’s useless.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Darren … for everything.”
His shattered gaze meets mine. “It wasn’t your fault, Sawyer. I know this is how you compartmentalize shit, but knock it off. We all lost tonight. My losses don’t outweigh yours or hers … it’s all just fucked up. Cadence and Nate are the biggest losers in all of this..”
“Noah …” Mel calls out softly in her sleep. My heart can�
�t handle breaking hers.
There’s a soft rap at the door and Warren enters with a wide-awake Cadence. She’s excited to see Darren, and he forces a smile for her. “Hey, baby girl,” he says, standing and holding up Nate. “It’s your new buddy. Say hi to Nate.”
Warren brings Cadence close to Nate and she grabs his tiny hand in hers. It’s almost like she’s letting him know she’s got him. She’s very much like Belle in that respect already. I can’t help but wonder if they’ll be like Belle and Noah, even though they’re not here to guide them. Nature versus nurture and all that shit.
Darren and Warren swap babies and Warren chokes on a muffled cry as he holds Nate. Darren clutches Cadence to him like a life preserver; it’s the first time he’s held her since losing Belle. Taking a seat next to Mel, Warren looks back and forth between her and her son.
“It’s a miracle they made it out of the bus. The police said off the record it looks to be a high-speed collision, no surprise there. What they don’t know is what caused it … drugs, alcohol, mechanical failure or something else. We have to wait until they complete the investigation for an official determination. Regardless, no one should have made it out of that bus alive.”
Listening to Warren talk about the accident pisses me off. It should have never fucking happened. “I need to see Noah now.” I tell them before storming out of the room. When I make it to Noah’s room I pause outside the door. I don’t want to be an ass to anyone, but I need a few minutes with him.
When I walk inside, I’m surprised to see only my dad. When his eyes meet mine, I recognize the brokenness in them—they look how I feel inside. Wordlessly, he comes to me and pulls me into his arms.
“I love you, Sawyer. I don’t know if I say it often enough, but I hope you know it with all your heart.” He’s sobbing and clutching onto me as if his life depends on it.
“I love you, too, Dad. We’ve never wondered about your love for us. Neither of us, not once.” He straightens a little in my arms as if those words lifted him up somehow. “Would you mind if I had a little time with him alone?”
