by D. Kelly
“Sawyer,” I say through my sniffles, “I know this is the worst timing, but was anything recovered from the bus?”
“You’re worried about things?” he snaps.
His reaction makes me feel awful. “No, well … not exactly. Our wedding album was on the bus. It’s irreplaceable. And Noah’s guitar, and my camera and laptop with all the pictures I’d yet to upload. They’re my last memories, Sawyer. Our last memories.”
I’d gotten so many more brother shots the last few days we were on the road and I can’t remember if I uploaded them to my computer and backed them up to the cloud or not. But my wedding photos … I can’t lose those, too.
“I’m sorry, Mel, I honestly don’t know. I’ll find out for you, though. I promise.”
J peeks his head inside the room, and my heart sinks. He’s got huge black bags under his eyes and is incredibly pale. Noah was so excited for me to get to know Jordan better and I feel terrible we didn’t get the chance before.
“How are you feeling, Mel?” he asks timidly, still lingering in the doorway.
“Probably no better than you but with some physical pain thrown in. How are you doing?”
With a shrug, he walks in and sits on the edge of the bed above us and looks down at the album in my hand. “I’m fucking numb. This kind of shit shouldn’t happen to people more than once in a lifetime, especially to people like Noah.”
“Amen to that, brother,” Sawyer says as J looks over our shoulders at the photos.
“I’m going to miss his happiness so much. I hope Nate gets that from Noah most of all. No offense, Mel.”
“None taken, J. I hope everything Nate becomes all comes from Noah.” My answer quiets them, but it’s the truth.
“Mom sent me in here because Diane and Rob just got here with the girls and some food. She’s insistent both of you come to the table. Mel, Mom said you have to eat at least a few bites to take your meds and keep up your strength.”
“Let’s get this over with,” Sawyer says as he stands and helps me off the floor.
“Go ahead without me. I’ll be there soon. I need to use the restroom first.”
I never realized how many muscles sitting, standing, and wiping involve just to take a fucking piss. When I’m done in the restroom, I take a look in the mirror. Aside from the cuts and bruises, Karen isn’t the only one who looks like she’s aged. I have, too.
As I step out in the hall, I’m pulled to the nursery. This room was supposed to be the happiest place in the house. What I didn’t expect to see was Nate fast asleep in his crib. I cover my mouth to hold back my cries and watch him, wishing I could hold him and knowing I can’t.
“You won’t break him, I promise.” Diane’s tender words meet my ears as the tears escape my eyes.
“I’m pretty sure you’re wrong about that,” I whisper.
“Oh, Mel, I felt the same way with Saylor, but I promise it will get better. You’ll see. You just need some snuggle time.” She takes in my horrified expression and frowns. “You’re the best thing for him,” she states firmly.
“I got his dad and his aunt killed. I’m cursed, Diane, and the farther Nate stays away from me the better.”
Within seconds, her arms are wrapped around me, her own tears falling against my cheeks. “There is no one in this world who could have loved my brother more than you did. Or Belle. Amelia, trust me … this baby will be the best part of your life, but you can’t shut him out. If not for you, and if not for him, do it for Noah.”
“He’ll suffer for it in the long run.”
She places a kiss on the side of my head “No, Mel, you will. The only way Nate will suffer is without his mother’s love.”
I want to believe what she’s saying. “I love him enough not to hurt him like that. I’m bad luck, Diane.”
“Then so are we. Look at our tragic history. If you consider this bad luck, you have to account for ours as well. It’s not luck at all, Mel, it’s fate. And yours is to be the best mother you can be to Noah’s son. For whatever reason, this is the way things are supposed to be. Don’t waste a second being fearful because time waits for no one.”
She releases me and walks toward the door. With a reluctant glance over her shoulder, she leaves me alone. As I look down upon Nate, I wish with all my heart things were different. His life was supposed to be so much better than this. Leaving him to sleep, I notice the baby monitor is on. At least someone is taking good care of him.
Feeling lost, I wander back into my room, forgetting why I got up in the first place. I sit down on the bed as Saylor appears at the door, the sadness on her face plain as day.
“Auntie Mel?” she asks cautiously. My appearance probably scares her.
“Hey, Ladybug.”
She walks over to me and looks me over with her sad eyes, running her fingers across my cast.
“You’re one big ouchie. Can I kiss you and make you better?”
The goodness in her reminds me so much of Noah. “You can try, but I’ve got a lot of owies and they might take a while to heal, even with all the kisses in the world.”
She climbs up next to me on the bed, leans over, and kisses my cheek. “My mommy says Uncle Noah and Belle are in heaven now. I’m going to miss them, but I’m glad they’re not there alone.”
She’s such a precocious child, but it’s nice to talk to someone who isn’t hovering over me.
“I’m going to miss them, too, sweetie.”
She looks up at me with sad eyes, and I’m overwhelmed with the urge to hug her, so I do. Briefly. “Auntie Mel, Uncle Noah was the only one who called me Ladybug. Can you … still call me that? I don’t want to ever forget him.”
“We won’t let you forget him, Saylor, I promise. But if you want me to keep calling you Ladybug, I will.”
“Thank you. Grandma says you’re supposed to come with me to eat dinner.” With the determination of a grownup, she holds my good hand and tugs until I stand, leading me into the kitchen, never once letting me go.
Standing in this room, in the middle of everyone who was so near and dear to Noah and me, I’m at a loss. I feel their sadness, but I’m convinced the only ones who understand what I’m feeling are Sawyer and Darren. It makes me a judgy bitch because I know their loss is equally profound, but I can’t find it inside of me to accept their pain is as large as mine.
Karen leads me to the table and sets a plate in front of me. “Karen, I …”
“Even a few bites, Mel. Just enough so you can take your medicine,” she says, already knowing what I’m going to say. That’s a mother’s job, though, right? Belle would have been an amazing one. She would have helped me find my way and would be giving me so much shit right now for not hugging Nate and keeping him close. I just … can’t.
Everyone is here. Eli is sitting with Rory, but his eyes are locked on mine. He was there when my mom died—he knows how bad it got—and he’s worried because this is so much worse. Mama pulls up the chair next to me and lightly squeezes my thigh under the table. Marcus is right behind her with his hand on her shoulder. He’s her rock; I’m comforted knowing she has someone who can take care of her when I can’t.
Wyatt, Anna, Sawyer, Darren, J, Warren and Sam are all around the bar, and right next to Sawyer is Nate’s baby monitor. Knowing Sawyer is so willingly stepping in when I can’t–when Noah can’t—reminds me of a conversation Noah and I had a few days after the wedding.
“Hey, Mel,” Noah said as he stroked my arm while spooning me from behind. We’d just finished making love and I was beyond relaxed in his arms.
“Hmm …” I murmured, and he chuckled.
“Look, I know it’s not the best time for this talk, but I think it’s important after the Sara stuff. If something were to happen to us, who would you want to raise Nate?”
The seriousness of his tone made the hair stand up on my arms. I turned to face him. “I know you’re a planner, but don’t you think this is a bit much
, Noah?”
His expression was pained just for a second before he flashed me a brilliant smile. “Humor me. I like to be prepared, and this is one of the most important preparations we can make.”
“Alright, I guess if it were up to me I’d say Belle. She’s the only person I know who would automatically fight for him if something went wrong. What about you?”
His green eyes met mine and his expression softened “Sawyer. There’s not a soul on earth I would trust more.”
Sawyer with a baby? I could understand his choice but still thought Belle would be more … responsible. “Maybe they could share? I think Belle would be more structured, especially with Cadence.”
“Yeah, maybe they could. Although, I think some responsibility would be just what Sawyer needs to put his head on straight.”
Wrapping my hand behind Noah’s head, I pulled his lips to mine. “It’s a good thing we won’t ever have to find out. You promised me a minimum of fifty years, Mr. Weston, and I expect to cash in each one of them.”
“Good, because I don’t ever make a promise I don’t intend to keep and my vows are the most important promise I’ve ever made. I love you, Mel.”
As I blink back my tears, my attention goes back to the baby monitor. Noah was spot on; I hate the fact I’m here to know that.
After eating a few tasteless bites, I push my plate away. Karen places my pills in front of me, which I take eagerly. All I want to do is go to sleep and dream of happier times. Mama helps me get ready for bed and after she hugs me goodnight, I reach out for her.
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t save her.” Unable to hold back the floodgate of tears that opens once again, she pulls me back into her embrace while she cries tears of her own.
“Oh, baby girl, it wasn’t up to you to save her. That was up to God. Belle was my world and I’m struggling to accept this. The only consolation I have is the rest of you survived. Those babies were meant to carry on their parents’ legacies. God gave us a part of them in these children, and I’m going to cherish every moment I have with them. Belle wouldn’t want you blaming yourself. Hell, that girl would want you to throw a party honoring her life, not mourn her.”
“Yeah, well, Belle didn’t always have the most realistic expectations. I’m going to miss her, miss them, for the rest of my life.” My sadness is overshadowed by my sleepiness as I release a yawn.
“Get some rest, Mel. I’ll close the door behind me. We’ll get each other through this, I promise.”
After she leaves, I turn on the baby monitor next to my bed. Noah had to have the best of the best so he picked a monitor where there’s basically a miniature video on each handheld portion. I think there are three, if I remember correctly. I have one, Sawyer has one, and Karen probably has the other. My eyes flutter closed as I watch Nate sleeping peacefully on the monitor.
“Mel, you have to wake up!” Hands are on my shoulders and my eyes snap open.
“Jesus, Eli, you scared me!” My heart is racing, my body drenched in sweat. “What are you doing here?”
“It’s my night to take care of you.” He points to the big cushy chair in the corner, where his pillow and blanket lie.
“I’m okay. I don’t need a babysitter,” I grumble.
“From that nightmare you were having, I’d beg to differ.” He takes a seat next to me and hands me a cup of water from the nightstand.
“I was dreaming about the accident.”
“Yeah, I could tell. Are you still seeing your therapist?” he asks hesitantly.
“No, it’s been years.”
“If things don’t get better soon, you might want to start again. Look, I can’t pretend to even understand what you’re going through. But I do know what you went through when Iris died. This is … it’s worse than that.”
“I’ll be fine, eventually … but I appreciate your concern,” I reply as I hand him the cup.
“Will you, though? Be fine? Because I’d be a fucking mess. Hell, I am a fucking mess and this doesn’t affect me nearly as much as it affects you. There’s no shame in needing or asking for help, Mel.”
“I’m not helpless, Eli! I’m lost, sad, terrified, broken, angry, and so fucking alone.” I collapse onto my pillow and let the tears come again.
He leans down and kisses the top of my head before standing. “The last thing you are is alone, and I never said you were helpless. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known, which is probably why you and Nate are still here with us. But even the strong need help. When we’re broken and weary and the fight goes away from us, that’s when our friends and families pick us up and carry us until we’re ready to pave our own way again. Let us carry you, Mel, until you’re strong enough to do it yourself. Let us be your family.”
Eli takes his place in the chair again and curls up with the blanket. I do need their strength to carry me through. But without Noah’s love, it all seems pointless. What could possibly be better on the other side of this grief without Noah and Belle?
Goodbye
It’s been ten days since we left the hospital. Ten days with a house filled with people. Ten days of hovering and tears. Ten days of pain and frustration. And two full weeks without Noah and Belle.
I’ve spent two weeks in a medication-induced haze, watching my son from afar. I haven’t held him, haven’t fed him, haven’t even changed a diaper, and no one has tried to make me. They know as well as I do that I’m detrimental to him. Hell, I’m pretty sure I’m detrimental to myself.
I spend most of my time in bed, ensconced in Noah’s scent still lingering on the sheets and pillows. But for how much longer? How long will I hear his voice in my head? How long will I smell him as if he’s right next to me? If I die today, I’ll still hear him, still smell him, still picture him in my mind. But then there’s Nate. I can’t touch him, but I can’t bear the thought of leaving him, either. Noah would hate me for these thoughts, so I try to push forward, one day at a time.
Each night, I watch the monitor as someone takes a rotation with my son. Even Darren spent a night juggling Cadence and Nate. He’s hurting as much as I am but he finds solace in our kids where I only find pain. Everyone cries when they hold him. Poor Nate probably thinks excessive tears are a normal part of life.
Today is the day I’ve been dreading most—the one where we have to say goodbye to Noah and Belle. It’s going to be a large service with only friends and family, but people have lots of “friends” in this industry. It’s going to be hell, but it would have been anyway.
All the kids are staying with Rob’s sister here at the house and her friend is coming to help her. They’re both teachers by trade; I’ve been assured they will be fine with the kids. I’m a horrible mother because I never even asked otherwise and only nodded when I was told. I know Darren and Sawyer wouldn’t leave these kids if they weren’t going to be safe. Plus, there’s so much security all over the place I don’t think anyone could easily get in.
I’ve been so drugged up I haven’t paid attention to the media, but even in my haze I see the stress Sawyer is carrying on his shoulders. Tony and Warren have been meeting with Mac and Ryan daily in the office, and whenever I walk into a room, the TV is quickly snapped off. It’s not like I will be searching this up on the internet when my phone and laptop are replaced; I have no desire to do so. Any emails with press-related inquires will be deleted, just like they were when my parents died.
“Ready, Mel?” Sawyer asks, stepping up behind me. I stand up slowly, the bruises may be healing some but my body still feels like it was hit by a freight train.
Mama helped me get dressed earlier and I’ve been staring out the window ever since. It’s been raining today, which is odd in the middle of summer, but it sure does make Veronica happy. She says only the best of the best get God’s tears at their homegoings. Out of all of this, even as angry as I am, that somehow gives me comfort. Belle and Noah are the best of the best.
“I’ll nev
er be ready for this,” I say, turning toward Sawyer. He’s dressed nice but looks like hell.
“Yeah, I know the feeling. Look, I wanted you to know all the non-essentials are going home tonight. It’s time we have some space and figure out what to do with Nate or how it’s going to work when everyone isn’t around. He needs some kind of normal, Mel. It’s time.” His words are soft and I know he’s just trying to find his way, too.
“Whatever you think is best, Sawyer. This is your home.”
“Don’t do that. This is our home. What was Noah’s is now yours, of that I’m sure. I … Fuck, this is hard. I need you here, Mel, okay? If you guys aren’t here I can’t be, either. Not alone without Noah. I meant it when I said we’re in this together for as long as it takes.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Taking my hand, he leads me out to the limos waiting in the drive. There are two of them, and we’re the last to get inside. I can’t bring myself to look at anyone even though I feel like they’re all staring at me. I close my eyes and rest my head against the seat and don’t open them again until we arrive at the church.
At my request, we got here last so everyone is already settled inside. We’re to enter through the back, which has been blocked off by police and private security. With my parents, I learned when you arrive first you have to listen to everyone’s condolences twice—once when they arrive and again when they leave. This is better. I don’t need to hear how sorry or sad everyone else is. I can barely handle my own grief.
We’re ushered into the first two rows and I promptly lose my shit when my eyes catch sight of Noah and Belle’s caskets side by side, with their larger-than-life photos next to them. Which in turn seems to cause a domino effect because everyone around me is now crying.
