by D. Kelly
“Thanks, guys, but I’m not sure I’ll ever agree with that.”
“Maybe not, but you’re going to have to get over it. Nate has one parent, Mel. Fucking one. And it’s you. I’ll help you for as long as you need, especially while you’re healing and on medication. But we’re going to have to wean you into Nate’s life a little at a time here. It’s not fair to make him suffer because you’re afraid. You have to get over yourself.”
“Get over myself? I’m trying to protect him!” I scream and pour myself another shot, knocking it back before continuing my rant. “If I had never agreed to go on tour, if I had never let Belle convince me to go to your show, Noah would be alive! Belle would be alive! And none of us would be feeling this soul-crushing grief!”
“I know you need to get it out, Mel, but you’re not the only one with regrets. I wish I’d never convinced Noah to do one last tour. If I hadn’t been so selfish and wanted closure, this would have never happened.”
“If I hadn’t been a selfish prick and wanted Belle and Cadence with me every second, they wouldn’t have been there, either. This is no one’s fault, except for the asshole who took out your bus.”
“If the three of us have this much bad juju combined, this house is going to slide right off this bluff and into the ocean,” I reply dryly, attempting a joke.
“At least we’ll all go together. Until then, we’re going to figure this out, okay?” I can tell by Sawyer’s tone he’s hanging on by a thread.
“Okay,” I answer with a resigned sigh.
“Okay,” Darren replies. “We do this together, all of us.”
Empty Spaces
Over the next four weeks, we develop a routine of sorts. Someone is always at the house during the day to help with me and the babies. Usually, it’s Karen. About a week after the funeral, she and Owen retired. Not because Noah left them financially solvent, but because they want to live the rest of their days with no regrets. Eventually, they plan to travel, but right now they’re hovering over all their kids and grandkids–the kind of love-filled hovering everyone needs right now.
I’ve weaned myself off all my medications except the anti-anxiety drugs. My back still hurts but unless it’s a really bad day, ibuprofen is all I will allow myself. I want to feel the pain and not be lost in a fog. I’m still having nightmares about the accident. Whoever is on night duty with the kids is usually on night duty with me, too. I feel helpless, but in a way, it’s a good thing because I can withdraw and not deal with things and no one gets upset with me.
At night, when I’m not sleeping, I watch the monitor and listen to Sawyer talk to Nate. Darren refuses to give up night duty with Cadence, but she’s also sleeping for longer stretches now that she’s eating some solid foods. He still gets up with Nate every other night so Sawyer can get some rest. I’ve been able to skate most of my duties and still haven’t held my son, but my cast comes off later today and I’m sure that’s going to change really soon. I’m terrified.
Right now, it’s three in the morning and Sawyer is singing to Nate. I relish finally hearing Sawyer sing solo and uninhibited and I love watching the tenderness between the two of them. Nate has no idea Sawyer isn’t his dad–his protector. But it breaks my heart at the same time because this should be Noah’s time with his son. The bonding he always craved. His chance to tell his son all the things he wanted. Instead, Sawyer tells Nate a story. It’s a slightly different variation each night, but I love listening to it. Once Sawyer finishes singing and feeding Nate his bottle, he changes his diaper and sits down with him and story time commences.
“Once upon a time, there was a famous rock prince named Noah. One day, Noah met his match in a true-life, rock-royalty princess named Amelia. The first time Noah saw Amelia, he knew he wanted her to be his queen, but Princess Amelia wasn’t so sure. Sometimes, princesses come from lands filled with ogres and not even the most handsome prince can break down their walls. But Prince Noah won her over with his friendship and, eventually, his love. When Princess Amelia finally gave in to the prince, they had a magical love affair. Their love created a new tiny prince. That’s you, Prince Nate. Prince Noah and Princess Amelia were never happier. Then, one of those nasty, mean ogres came and took Prince Noah and his friend Belle away. This made everyone in the rock kingdom very sad, especially Princess Amelia. To ease her sadness, all of Princess Amelia’s friends and family helped pick up the slack until she started to feel like herself again. One day soon, Nate, your mommy is going to realize her little prince is her whole world. Until that day comes, we’re going to keep loving you enough for both the prince and the princess.”
Every time Sawyer tells Nate the story, he falls sound asleep in Sawyer’s arms by the time the story is over. The sight of them together fills me with love. Knowing Nate is loved by so many, when I can’t even bring myself to show him how much I love him, makes the pain a bit better. After Nate is asleep in his crib, Sawyer comes to see me. Some nights we talk, and some nights I pretend to be asleep. Tonight, I pretend to be asleep.
The bed sinks down next to me and Sawyer lies down. With a soft sigh, he begins to speak. “He’s getting so big now. I mean, I know he’s only six weeks old, but his eyes are already green and bursting with the same happiness Noah’s had. It’s like being with him gives Noah back to me in a small way. Princess, I wish you’d let yourself love him. He needs you.”
Sawyer pauses and turns over, facing me. Even though I’m facing the wall I can still feel him at my back as his fingers brush against the bottom edges of my hair.
“I’m not sure at what point you need an intervention, Mel. I don’t know if this is grief, if it’s post-partum depression, if it’s really your fear of being jinxed. Whatever it is, I’m failing Noah. He wanted me to take care of you two and I’m trying so hard. It kills me to see you doing this to yourself, but I get it, too. I miss the fuck out of Noah. You and Nate make it a little easier for me, and I wish we could make it easier for you. Instead of sitting around all day listening to that sad playlist of death songs you made and watching videos of you guys, you need to focus that energy into your son, Mel.
“I’m lost here and I need a fucking sign. Something to show me what I can do to help you because I don’t think enabling you to ignore Nate is the way to go. But when anyone mentions how withdrawn you are, I lose my shit on them because I understand that, too. You lost your husband, your best friend, and your fresh start. I lost my brother, my best friend, the other half of my soul. I want you to go at your own pace, Princess, but I’m not sure how much longer I can carry us both.”
With those last words, Sawyer kisses the top of my head and leaves. When he does, I allow myself to fall apart.
Getting my cast off was surreal. It was the last visual reminder of the accident. My pain is still real, but my staples and stitches came out weeks ago. My bruises are gone, and the only re-check I need is for my back. Sure, the physical scars will always be there, but the mental scars will never go away, either.
When I walk inside the house, I find Rory and Eli visiting with Karen. Sawyer and Darren are on the floor with the kids, and I say a quick hello before going to my room. A few days after the funeral, a new computer and phone showed up, along with a copy of my wedding album. Sawyer ordered them for me in the midst of all the hell we were going through, just like Noah would have.
We’re supposed to get all the stuff back from the bus as soon as the investigation is officially closed, which Tony swears should be any day. Thankfully, Noah’s guitar wasn’t on our bus like I had thought. It was on Darren’s bus since they practiced there before napping that day. One day, Nate is going to be able to have his dad’s prized guitar; it gives me a bit of peace I didn’t have before.
Back when my mom died, my dad was consumed with his grief. We both were, but in different ways. I found more solace in my friends, and Dad found solace in watching interviews, movies, videos, anything he could watch where he could see her, hear her, and enjoy he
r presence one more time.
I gave him a lot of hell for it—called it unhealthy, begged him to move forward for all of us—but it was futile. His drug and alcohol use became excessive, a way to escape the pain when he couldn’t be with her. I never understood why he tortured himself. I wanted to be enough to get him through because I was still here. And he loved me, I know he did, but not in the way I needed to be loved back then. I needed my dad but he was already lost.
Now, I understand. I can’t not listen to Noah sing, can’t stop watching videos and interviews. Snippets of the two of us together are fleeting, but they exist. We have more photos than anything. But our wedding video is my favorite; I can watch it in a twenty-four-hour cycle and not tire of it. Sometimes, I curl up in one of his shirts and spray it with his cologne while listening to the EP he made me for Christmas. I just need to feel Noah, and since Nate has family taking care of him, he doesn’t need me, especially not now. I’m too hurt, too sad, too lost inside of myself, living in memories. Functional people should be with him, not me. I know the day is going to come when I have to stop watching, stop wallowing, and start being a mother. But for now, I’m just happy Nate is too young to understand, to know what I went through when I lost my parents. Even if he’s missing my love now, he won’t remember it. I hope.
There’s a knock on my door and Rory sticks her head inside. “Can I come in?”
“Sure,” I reply, sitting up on the edge of the bed. Rory sits next to me and takes a look at my computer screen before shaking her head. “What, Rory?” I ask in an exhausted tone. I’m positive she’s going to jump my shit.
“Mel … I know it hurts. I miss Noah, too. But what you’re doing isn’t okay. You have to live for him.”
“Don’t tell me how to feel, Rory, or how to live. He was my entire world.” My seething words don’t even make Rory flinch.
“Noah believed in fate above all else. I have to believe in that, too … for him. He’d want us to focus on the positive things.”
“What positive things could there possibly be?!” I’m yelling now, but fuck her for trying to tell me to focus on the positive.
“Come on, Mel. I know it hurts, but be fair here. Even if it wasn’t good for us, good did come from this tragedy. A father of three got his heart and is able to raise his kids. Two teens with congenital defects got his kidneys, two visually impaired women each got a cornea, and a young mother got a liver. Six people, Mel. Six lives enhanced and spared because of Noah, even more if you count their families.”
I never wanted to know about the people Noah saved. Not yet, anyway, because I knew it wouldn’t sink in the way it should. Instead of finding some solace in those facts I’m filled with a furious rage I’m all too happy to unleash on her.
“What about my son, Rory? What about him? Doesn’t he deserve for his father to have been spared? What did he do wrong that he’s going to have to grow up without the only person who wanted him before he was conceived? Does Belle’s daughter deserve to grow up without a mother? It should have been me. I lost my husband and my best friend. My God, it should have been me, too. Why couldn’t we have gone together?”
In a flash, Rory jumps up. I see it coming, but I’m stunned. Rory fucking slapped me. “Stop being a selfish bitch! Get your ass up and out of bed. My brother didn’t stay with you so you could waste away. Noah begged Sawyer to stay with you and Nate. Live for them. Live for Belle, for Noah, put some good back into the ether. Acknowledge the fact there’s a whole family … hell, a whole goddamn world who lost him. You’re not in this alone. We can’t lose you, too, so wake the fuck up and let us help you. Live with us, cry with us, laugh with us, build his legacy with us, so people will never forget!”
“You slapped me,” I say numbly.
“Fuck, Mel, did you even feel it?” she asks as she shakes her hand out.
“Not really,” I answer, and she starts crying.
“That’s the problem. You’re lost inside somewhere. We’re all hurting, but we’re checking in. You’re completely checked out. If you can’t let us help you, you’re going to have to get professional help.”
My mind flashes back to Sawyer’s words last night. They’re right. Karen and Sawyer are standing at the door and Sawyer’s eyes are flaring with anger.
“Did you really just slap her?!” he screams at Rory.
She nods. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t know what else to do. She’s lost! Noah would kill us if we let her continue down this path.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be a burden to you all … I’m going to go for a drive and clear my head. I’m not mad, Rory. I just need some time.” Pushing past Sawyer and Karen, I grab Noah’s keys and my purse and leave.
My hands tremble as I get behind the wheel of his car. I’ve never driven it, haven’t even been inside of it since we were home for Fourth of July. It smells like Noah, like home. I’ve got a plan, even if I’m not sure how to execute it. The first thing I do is go to Target and buy a sleeping bag, a flashlight, and some water. Next, I go to the bank and get cash. Lots of cash.
When I pull up to the cemetery, they’re closing the gates. As the guard goes to lock the side entrance, I catch his attention.
“If you forget to lock this gate tonight I’ll give you a thousand dollars.”
He takes in my appearance, the sleeping bag, and my bottle of water. It’s probably my sunken eyes that sell him on it, though.
“If you’re not out by five a.m. I’ll be in trouble.”
“I’ll be gone by then, I promise.”
He holds out his hand and I pass him the money. “I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been a fan of Bastards and Dangerous for a long time.” The gate closes behind me with his words.
“Thank you,” I whisper before walking toward where Belle and Noah are buried. My phone continues to go off with message after message and I pull it out to silence it before putting it back in my pocket.
This is the first time I’ve been here since the funeral. Pushing aside the flowers covering their graves, I lay out the sleeping bag between them. I’m half on Belle and half on Noah, but I face her first.
“Hey, Belle. You have no idea how much I miss you. I must talk to you a million times a day, but it’s not the same when you don’t answer.” I reach my arm out and lay it over the grass as if she can somehow feel me. Wishing I could feel her.
“Do you remember the night Sara shot me? You rushed into the hospital screaming for your sister and told me if I died it would have sucked. Well, it fucking sucks big, hairy balls. I miss you so much. Your laugh, your jokes, your never-ending positive attitude.”
Pausing, I pull some tissues out of my pocket and take a sip of water.
“I’ve tried to find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone. That you and Noah went together, and for as long as your family looked after me, my family can now look after you. But then I see Cadence smile or crawl … because she’s doing that now … and I become angry you’re not here for it.” My voice cracks as I try to choke back my sobs. “I hear your screams in my head, and in my nightmares, and I know your death wasn’t easy. You didn’t deserve to go out like that, Belle. You were such a good mom, a great partner, and the best sister and friend I could have ever asked for.
“You’d be so ashamed of me now. Both of you would. I’m worse than a horrible mother, I’m a completely absent one. I haven’t held Nate since before Noah died. I haven’t sung him a lullaby, or told him any stories, haven’t even tried to make him smile. But Belle … his smile is all Noah. His eyes are Noah’s eyes, his personality is Noah. He’s everything I could have wished for, and all I want to do is hold him and love him, but I’m so scared.
“Without me, he’ll have a chance at a normal life. Don’t worry, I’m doing my best to keep my distance from Cadence, too. I don’t want the black cloud of death that follows me hovering over our babies.”
Sighing, I run my hand over her headstone. “I’m trying to
protect them, Belle. Maybe it’s wrong, but it’s all I know how to do. I love them so much, and I love and miss you more than I ever thought possible. Darren has a handle on it all, though. You’d be so proud of him, he’s a great dad. Please give my family hugs from me, especially Noah. I’d ask you to take care of him, but I have a feeling he’s taking care of you all.”
It’s dark outside now, the moon is full, and the stars are bright. I haven’t felt this peaceful in a long time. Too bad I didn’t bring my pills. I could have taken them all right here and died at peace under the stars with my two best people. Noah would say it was fate that I didn’t bring them. I’m going to call it a missed opportunity.
I sit up for a bit and lean against Noah’s headstone.
“I’m not sure why I’m here, Noah, other than I got my cast off and can finally drive. Rory and I got into a fight today, but I’m sure you already know that. I know she’s right, and deep down in my heart I know you’d be so disappointed in me. Nate is this perfect little innocent human, but I don’t think he’s hurting any without me. You’d be so proud of Sawyer, though. You were right, too. He would have been the perfect guardian for Nate should something have happened to the two of us. You don’t know how much I wish that were true. I’m lost, Noah, somewhere deep inside myself. I move through the days, I eat tasteless food, I shower, and then I drown in our memories. I don’t know how to be thankful for life anymore. I’m too bitter, angry, and sad to even try. Your mom keeps telling me ‘the only way out is through,’ and maybe she’s right. But I don’t want to go through. I want to drown in the darkness and stay in your arms for eternity.”
There’s a light breeze and I swear I smell Noah, but it’s probably just the lingering scent from his car on my clothes. Even so, it makes me feel like maybe his spirit is here with me somehow. I’ve been here a long time; I’m sure Sawyer is worried, but I need this. Being here reminds me of a conversation Noah and I had in Vegas on our first trip.
