by D. Kelly
He pulls me into a hug. “Mel, do what feels right to you because I think whatever makes you happy would make Noah happy.”
Family Meeting
It’s been two months since I watched Noah’s video. Two more months of thinking, watching videos, and listening to his music and the death playlist. Darren and I spent Belle’s birthday getting shit-faced while Sawyer watched the kids. It was the first birthday in twenty-one years I didn’t spend with her.
Tomorrow is Noah and Sawyer’s thirtieth birthday. Sawyer said to keep the day free–as if I ever go anywhere. He’s been absolute in his plans, so the family is coming over tonight to celebrate. I’m also going to talk to them tonight about a foundation for Noah. It’s time; maybe moving on with something positive to do will help alleviate all this lingering sadness I carry. It’s been seven months since the accident and the only thing I know for sure is life without Noah and Belle is the saddest place in the world.
“Amelia! Sweetheart, give me a hug. How are you doing?” Karen pulls me into her embrace and asks me the same question she always does. I love her so much. We’ve become so close these last few months; I’d be lost without her.
“I’m okay, Karen. How are you?” There’s been a shift in Karen. She’s laser-focused on the family but not in a hovering way. She looks tired and worn out, but she’s never without a smile. The more time I spend with her makes me realize how much Noah was like his mom. Losing Noah has certainly taken its toll on her; I can’t imagine how it must feel. As much as I miss Noah, if something were to happen to Nate, I’m not sure I could go on.
“I’m happy to be here celebrating Sawyer’s birthday, but I’m struggling a bit knowing it’s our first one without Noah.”
“I’m sorry, Karen. I know my own pain, but I can’t imagine yours.”
Sawyer just finished changing Nate and brings him to me.
“He helps, Mel. Having Nate with us helps immensely.” She holds out her arms for him and I pass him off to her.
“Ma, Ma, Ma,” Nate says when Karen kisses him, and he holds his arms out for me.
“Mel! When did he start that?” Karen squeals in delight, and Sawyer smiles from across the bar.
“He just started it yesterday. It makes my heart flutter every time.” What I don’t say is that I’m dreading the day he says any form of dad because it’s going to rip me to shreds.
“You’re such a big boy, Nate!” she praises him and takes him in the other room to tell everyone.
Sawyer has a strange look on his face so I move closer to him. “Are you okay?”
He shakes it off and smiles. “Yeah, just thinking.”
“About what?” I ask, bumping my hip against his.
He leans back against the counter and meets my eyes. “Do you really want to know?”
“Of course, Sawyer. You’re my best friend these days. I want to know everything.” His cheeks turn slightly pink with my words. In Belle and Noah’s absence, and with Eli on tour, Sawyer and I are the best of friends these days.
“Maybe I just have the blues. I’m fucking thirty now. Everyone around me is having kids, starting a family, and I’m not even dating. By the time I find someone and settle down, Nate will probably be in high school.”
What he says makes me feel sort of shitty. Maybe Sawyer would be further along if we weren’t holding him back.
“You’ll find someone when you’re ready, Sawyer, and I hope she’ll be worth the wait. You deserve the best. This has been a hard year for us all. If Nate and I are holding you back from …”
“Stop, Mel.”
“No, Sawyer, I’m serious. If you’re not going to the bar with J or dating more because of us, it’s okay. We’ll be fine. I’ll miss Noah forever, but I’m doing better now. And tonight, after we talk about the foundation, I’ll have something else to focus on.”
“Amelia, I promise you aren’t holding me back. It’s been a rough year and I’m not ready. You know I self-sabotage. I guess I feel guilty even thinking about moving on when Noah isn’t here to do that, too.”
I pour us both a Jack and Coke and take a sip while looking over at everyone chatting and laughing in the family room. If you were an outsider looking in you’d never know the kind of hell this family has been through the past year.
“Noah would want you to be happy, Sawyer. More than anything. I’m pretty sure his birthday wish for you would be to move on, fall in love, and be creative again.”
“Those are a lot of wishes,” he answers with a smirk.
“Well, Noah was nothing if not a positive thinker. I’m sure they all fall in line with his thinking.”
I know this isn’t the thirtieth birthday Sawyer was imagining. It’s been a hard day for us all; this would have been a huge Weston family celebration for the twins. Sawyer is good at talking to me about things, but he still holds back where Noah is concerned. I wish he’d open up more because maybe I could open up to him more, too.
After cake has been served, the babies are asleep, and Saylor and Emme are settled in with a Disney movie, I gather everyone around the kitchen table. Wyatt pulls out the chair for Anna and helps her sit. She’s due in two more months and is getting more uncomfortable by the day.
“Amelia, what did you want to talk to us about?” Owen asks the question they all have been dying to.
“I’m ready to start a foundation for Noah. I want to call it The Noah Weston Foundation for Kind Acts. And I want to fund different things. This is where I need your help. I’d like each of you to email me a list of things you think Noah was passionate about.”
“Oh, Amelia,” Karen cries out as she covers her mouth.
“There’s more. I’ve been sitting on my parents’ inheritance for years, so I want different divisions within the foundation. I want to have The Belle Dixson Scholarship for the Arts. I want to do something that honors both of my parents as well. I’ve followed Noah’s request and set up financial security for me, Nate, and any future children I may have.”
A wave of pride flows through me as they all nod and smile at me. I’m going to make Noah proud of me.
“Other than the funds already set aside, I’m going to use the remainder of both of my inheritances to fund this foundation and really make it something wonderful.”
Rory is crying and raises her hand. Things with us have been strained but she doesn’t need to act like she’s in school.
“Question, Rory?”
“Can I help please?”
“I’m hoping you all will. This is going to be a family effort. I have no clue what I’m doing, and the people who loved Noah most should be on the board of directors. Sam, I was hoping you could help me with figuring some of this out or pointing me in the right direction. Tony, if you don’t mind, I’d like your help, too.”
“I’d be honored, Amelia,” Sam says.
“Me, too. Count me in,” Tony replies. “Pro-bono,” he adds with a smirk.
Sawyer is beaming at me. I talked about my next announcement with him, Darren, and Wyatt a few weeks ago.
“Also, I decided if Sawyer and the guys can get the necessary permissions, I’m going to release Noah’s EP as the first official fundraiser once everything is up and running.”
“Mel, are you sure?” Anna’s shocked tone matches her expression.
“Yeah, I talked to Wyatt about it at length and he reminded me of something. No matter how much Noah would have hated the spotlight, if he knew it was going to help people he would have been all in. I just hope we can create something he would be proud of.”
Suddenly, everyone is talking at once and I’m being pulled into hugs from all directions. It still amazes me how easily I’ve fallen into this family and accepted their love and affection. It’s such a stark contrast from that first Thanksgiving.
As they all head back into the living room, I grab Sam’s arm. “Can we talk for a minute? Alone?”
With a nod, he opens the sliding glass
door and steps out onto the patio. “Is everything okay?”
“I owe you an apology. It’s been seven months since the tour and we haven’t talked about the book. Sam, I’m sorry, but I need to pay you whatever I owe you for breach of contract. I know I still have a few months left but there’s no way I can write this book now. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to.”
His expression turns serious and his eyes lock on mine. “Amelia, you almost died. You lost your husband and your best friend. You could have filed any number of lawsuits but you didn’t. We’re even. No one expects you to write this book. Not now, and if someday you get the motivation to try your hand at it, then you know we will publish it. I hope you haven’t been worried about this along with everything else.”
Relief surges through my body with his kind words. “Not until lately. I really thought maybe I’d be able to do it, but each time I try … I just can’t. The computer expert Sawyer hired sent us everything he was able to recover from my laptop. It was all there, Sam. I did upload my camera that day, so I have all those pictures of Noah and Sawyer now. It was such a relief. But that’s when I realized I can’t do the book. I’m so sorry.”
Sam wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. “We love you, Amelia, and we’re happy you made it through and stayed with us. Nate should be your priority now. Everything else is a moot point.”
Hours later, when everyone is leaving, Saylor looks up at me while yawning. “Auntie Mel, can I come over and play with Nate this weekend?”
“Ladybug, you can come over and play anytime you want to.”
“Me, too?” Emme asks sweetly, and I drop down to their level.
“You, too.”
They both kiss me goodbye and then wrap their arms around Sawyer. “Happy birthday, Uncle Sawyer. We love you,” they call out in a singsong tone as their parents usher them out the front door.
They were the last to leave, so we head back into the kitchen for some cleanup.
“I’ve got it, Sawyer. Why don’t you have a beer and tell me what the surprise is for tomorrow.”
“On that note, I’m off to bed. I’ll see you in the morning,” Darren says before heading to his room.
“We’re getting memorial tattoos in honor of Noah. My friend Ben is coming over tomorrow and doing them here. Do you want in on the action? Ink up that virgin skin of yours, Princess?”
He’s so smug, but he has no idea. “My skin isn’t virgin, Sawyer. I’ve got a tattoo.”
His eyes widen in surprise as he finishes taking a draw of his beer. “No shit?”
“No shit.”
“What is it? Where is it?” He’s suddenly intrigued and it makes me laugh. I can’t believe Noah never told him.
“You really don’t know?”
He’s shaking his head, his eyes never breaking contact with mine. “It’s right here,” I say, motioning to where the tattoo is under my clothes, “and it says Weston.”
“Shut the fuck up. When did you get it?”
Taking a seat next to him, I grab his beer and take a sip. “Christmas Eve, not too long after everything went down with Sara.”
“Before Noah even proposed,” he muses.
“Yeah.” I look up at the clock and see it’s after midnight. When we sang “Happy Birthday” tonight, everyone sang to him and Noah. While I know it was instinct and they will always share a birthday, it also feels like Sawyer should be celebrated as well.
“Happy birthday, Sawyer,” I say, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek. He was in the process of putting his beer down, though, and when he turned I caught his lips instead. My heart races.
This is all sorts of wrong.
“Oh shit. I’m sorry, Sawyer. I didn’t mean …”
Sawyer flashes me that sinful smirk of his. “It’s okay, Mel. I know you were aiming for my cheek.”
“So uh … what do you want for your birthday?” Stammering, I change the subject.
“Just for the four of us to get our tattoos and toast to Noah.”
The sadness in his voice makes me feel bad. “Can we at least toast to both of you? I know you guys are twins, and it’s harder for you than everyone, but Noah would want you to be happy on your birthday.”
“Sure, but doing this will make me happy and so will getting started on the foundation. I’m going to be your right hand through it all.”
“I’d love that, Sawyer.”
Nate’s crying and I’m on duty tonight. “His Majesty awaits. Goodnight, Sawyer.”
“Goodnight, Princess.”
“Are you sure you’re ready for this, Mel?” Wyatt asks, concern lacing his voice.
“I’m sure. There’s nothing more I’d rather do than get this tattoo.”
Before last night I hadn’t even given it any thought, but the idea of a memorial tattoo for Noah makes me happy. They’ve all already done theirs and they look great. It looks like a sheet of music paper with three lines. The first line contains the first line of musical notes from their very first song. The second line is where Noah’s name is. The third line is the last line of notes from their final song “Just an Illusion”. It’s surreal how everything has come full circle like this, but I think Noah would love it.
Since the guys have a lot of tattoos already, they put theirs where it made sense on their existing canvases. For me, I chose to put mine on my back on the left side of my shoulder.
The doorbell rings and Darren goes to grab it. “You ready to start, Mel?” Ben asks.
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
Mac and Ryan walk in carrying a couple of bottles of alcohol with bows on them and pull Sawyer into a hug.
“Someone let it slip you were getting memorial tattoos for Noah. Any chance we can get in on that action?” Mac asks.
“You’d want to?” Sawyer asks, surprised, as my eyes fill with tears.
“Hell yeah. We spent the last nine years with you guys. We loved him, too,” Ryan adds.
“Shit, guys, you’re right. Of course you can join us. Maybe we should call Warren, too,” Darren replies as he looks around.
“That’s probably a good idea. Anna was pretty mad she couldn’t do it because she’s pregnant, but she says she’s getting hers as soon as she can,” Wyatt tells them.
“Alright, Mel, this may sting a bit, but you’ve had one before in a more sensitive spot. It won’t be any worse than that was,” Ben tells me as he turns on the gun.
Sawyer is texting on his phone and looks up at me with admiration when he finishes. “Who would have ever thought I’d be getting a tattoo with a princess?”
“Please, you’re lucky this princess deems you worthy of her time. Let alone, decided she likes you enough to be best friends with you.”
The guys laugh at my words and Sawyer takes a shot and smiles sinfully at me. “I completely underestimated you the first night we met.”
“Did you guys hear that? Sawyer just admitted he was wrong!” Wyatt calls out, and they all give Sawyer some shit.
“Hey, I’m secure enough in my manhood to admit my mistakes. In any case, Princess was a compliment … she turned out to be more of an evil queen.”
“Evil, my ass. You just don’t like being told things the way they are. I think it burns that rock star ego of yours just a bit.”
“Damn, Sawyer, every time I do a tattoo for you there’s usually some groupie drooling all over you. This is a nice change of scenery. You remind me of my wife, Mel. She’s pretty as can be on the outside, but it’s something special when her inner bitch comes out to play,” Ben says, chuckling.
Sawyer throws a look Ben’s way. “Hey, Ben, you know you’re tattooing rock royalty, right?”
Oh shit. It’s no secret, but Sawyer must have a reason for being a dick. Whatever it is, it better not fuck up my tattoo.
“I thought you were the rock royalty,” Ben tosses back good-naturedly.
The guys are gathered around with similar smirks o
n their faces.
“No, for real. You don’t know who she is?”
“Aside from Noah’s wife? No, man, you know I don’t keep up with that kind of shit.” Ben pauses what he’s doing and looks at Sawyer.
“She’s Joey Triton’s daughter.”
“The fuck?” Ben says, and pushes back from behind me for a minute. They all laugh as Ben stares at me in awe.
“Why did you guys do that?” I grumble, irritated they chose now to fuck with their friend.
“Aw, don’t be mad, Mel. Ben is a huge Joey fan. He’s got a picture in the shop of him, his dad, and Joey at a concert. Sawyer just wanted to make him cream his pants a bit,” Darren says, still snickering.
“Alright,” Ben says, composing himself a bit and throwing a murderous glare their way. “Let’s finish this up and we’ll make yours look even better than theirs. It’s what they get for being assholes.”
Ben does make mine better by putting a small red heart next to Noah’s name. After he finishes, I go to my room and grab a few things I got for Sawyer.
When I come back in the room with his presents in hand, his eyes light up. “You got me gifts?”
“Mmhm. Even though you’re an asshole, I got you gifts.”
He passes me a shot of tequila, which I knock back immediately. The first present is a coffee mug with a picture of him and Nate on it. It says “World’s Best Uncle.” It’s super cheesy, but with his coffee habit I couldn’t resist.
“This is so cool!” he exclaims when he opens it.
The next present is a big box filled with Pop-Tarts. I figured it was time to contribute to the fund. I’ve eaten my fair share of them lately, that’s for sure.
“Jesus, Mel, there’s enough in here to last us months. Good call.”
When he moves to open the last gift, my heart flutters. I wanted this birthday to be about him but I couldn’t let it go by without Noah being a part of it in some way. I took one of the brother pictures recovered from my computer and put it in a wooden frame with “Brothers Forever” engraved on it.
As he rips the paper off, his eyes lock onto the photo and fill with tears. It’s the two of them standing next to each other with their guitars at their sides and they each have an arm around each other.
