by D. Kelly
My words stun even me. Have I moved so far away from Noah that I wish for Sawyer instead?
“You’d have Noah, your husband, and you’d get through.”
“Yeah, just like we’re getting through now. I don’t want to live in a world without Noah, but dammit, Sawyer, I don’t want to live in a world without you, either. None of this is fair, life isn’t fair. Every day, a part of me wishes I’d died with them.”
“No, Mel, don’t say that.” His whispered words are filled with pain as he drops to the floor next to me and squeezes my hand.
Through stuttering breaths, I try to speak over my sobs. “Why? It’s the truth. You’re not the only one who lives with survivor’s guilt. But there’s this other part of me that knows I need to be here for Nate. If there’s one thing I can give Noah it’s to be a mother to his son. Something I never really wanted, and wasn’t good at in the beginning, but I loved him, Sawyer. I just couldn’t imagine living up to the kind of parent Noah would have been.”
He wraps his arm around my shoulders, letting me sob into him. “Nate needs you, Sawyer, and so do I. But I loved my husband and I don’t know how, if ever, I’ll be ready to move on or give you that part of my heart where Noah lives.”
“I don’t want Noah’s place, Princess, I want my own.” He practically chokes on his heartfelt words, and I feel awful.
“I know, Sawyer, and you have one. But I’m not sure the love and friendship I have with you can evolve into the same kind of love I had for him. I’m sorry, I know that’s brutal, but it’s true. I’m still numb a lot of the time. I’m tired, Sawyer. I’m sad, and I want a physical connection with someone. I want to be brought back to life. Sex and intimacy with someone may do that. And last night I felt it with you. Those beginning sparks of something incredible. I know it’s selfish that I want it to be you, but I can’t imagine wanting it to be anyone else. I’ve lost everyone who has ever meant anything to me. I can’t lose you, too.”
I’ve bared my heart to him. I’m literally crying and bleeding out on the floor like he asked. He hugs me tightly and releases me. “I need to think, Mel. I’m going to the beach.”
Mel. I’m always Mel when he tries to separate his feelings and Princess when he lets his defenses down. As much as I used to hate Princess, it feels like a kick to the heart every time he calls me by my name.
When Sawyer closes the sliding glass door behind him, I curl up into the fetal position and let the dam of tears burst. What kind of person wants her husband’s brother? Have I just been burying my feelings for Sawyer under my love for Noah this whole time? Or has Sawyer already secured his place in my heart without me even realizing it? That’s the part that scares me most of all.
I’m not sure how much time has passed when Darren finds me on the floor crying my eyes out. “Shit, Mel! Are you okay?” he calls out and sets Cadence down with her toys.
He gets on the floor and pulls me into his arms, trying to check me over. “I’m fine,” I cry out through another sob, but the concern on his face lingers. Nate starts crying, which makes me cry even harder.
“I’m going to help you to the couch and then I’m going to go take care of Nate.”
With a nod, I let him lead me there and I curl up with a pillow and watch Cadence play. She’s starting to look so much more like Belle; it makes me happy and sad at the same time. When Darren comes back, he puts both kids in their highchairs and gives them some breakfast. While they happily munch on some Cheerios, he comes back to me.
“Talk to me, Mel. What is wrong?”
“Sawyer loves me,” I manage to spit out.
“Shit.”
Darren walks away and comes back a few minutes later with coffee and a banana. “Eat this and then we’ll talk.”
As I sit up and sip my coffee, I watch Darren as he multitasks with both kids. He’s such an amazing dad and a great person. Belle chose right when she picked him. Mac strolls into the kitchen and the kids smile at him. They love Mac, and he loves them. I would have never guessed this big, burly bodyguard would be a baby magnet.
“Go do what you have to do, Darren. I’ve got the kids.”
Darren must have called or texted him. Great, everyone knows what a basket case I am today.
“Come on, Mel. Let’s go talk.” We walk to my room and sit on the bed. “What happened?”
“We got drunk last night and talked. Nothing new, but the talk took a more … sexual turn, I guess. I don’t know, Darren. I was drinking and I’m so lonely, and he’s Sawyer. Nothing happened and we passed out.”
“Okay, then, what’s wrong?”
“I woke up in Sawyer’s arms and felt … at home? I don’t know, but it felt right so I pulled his mouth to mine and kissed him.”
“This is obviously going to get worse,” he says, leaning up against the headboard.
“I’m so embarrassed. I asked him to fuck my pain away.”
“Shit, Mel. Talk about bruising a guy’s ego.”
My tears start falling again. “I didn’t mean it like that, though. Maybe I did. I wanted him in that moment. Him. Sawyer. Not Noah. But having sex with anyone the first time after losing someone is going to be hard, right? I didn’t mean it to be offensive, I was just being truthful.”
“Last time I went to my parents’ when the kids were gone, I left early. I went to the bar and fucked some random chick in the bathroom. She couldn’t have been more different than Belle. Blonde, voluptuous, legs for days on end. The old me would have brought her home and gone at it for days. It was the worst sexual experience of my life. It hurt so much that she wasn’t Belle.”
He looks at me with his own tear-filled eyes. “I had to get it out of the way. I’d hoped if I just did it … maybe the pain would lessen. It didn’t, it only made it worse. I wasn’t ready and I shouldn’t have pushed myself.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Me too,” he replies with a sarcastic laugh. “I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, but you’re Belle’s best friend … and I was ashamed.” The raw pain exuding from him is like a mirror of mine. We’re some pair.
“You have the right to move on if you’re ready, Darren.”
When he smiles at me, I know I’m in trouble. “And so do you, Amelia. I’m sorry Sawyer told you he still loves you, but now that you know, you should also know he never stopped. At least I don’t think he did. He respected your choice and would have never gone after you once you and Noah were married. But love is love, Mel. You’re lucky enough to have someone who cares for you as deeply as your husband did. If you’re going to fall in bed with someone, I would imagine that could make all the difference in how hard it is to accept you’re fucking someone new.”
I knew today was going to be bad, but now it’s depressing on a whole other level.
“I can’t be with Sawyer, Darren. You know that.”
“Why not?” he asks.
“I’m pretty sure hooking up with my husband’s brother is frowned upon.”
“Who the fuck cares? Look Mel, I can’t tell you what to do or not do, but I can tell you we don’t get to pick who we love. I can also say if the kind of love I had with Belle were to find me again I’d grab onto it with both hands because I know how fast it can disappear.”
They were the perfect soul mates. At least Belle had that—she’d found her one true love. So did Noah. I guess there is some comfort in that–they died knowing they were deeply loved.
“What else happened to make you lose it on the kitchen floor?” he asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
I take a deep breath and fill Darren in on everything else up until he found me.
“You two have horrible timing. Today was the worst day for either of you to decide to let your feelings out. You guys will work this out, but will you do me a favor?”
“Sure, name it.”
“It’s been 365 days since Noah died and you’ve spent every one of those days with Sawyer. You didn’t eve
n know Noah as long as you’ve known Sawyer now. Don’t discount being able to love him because I think you already do. Think of the qualities you’d want in a long-term partner and think of the qualities he’s shown you this year. I’m not saying this as his friend, either. I’m saying it as yours. You deserve to be happy, Mel, and that growth we all wanted to see in Sawyer, we’ve seen it this year. He’s so in love with you he hasn’t even fucked anyone else. That says more than I ever could.”
“I hear you, Darren, I just don’t know right now. I’m so confused.”
He leans his head against mine and squeezes my leg. “Today is going to suck. But remember, you decided this year was going to be better. Give yourself today but get back on the happy trail tomorrow. The last thing Noah and Belle would have wanted was our misery. I’m slowly realizing that more and more with each passing day. Besides, it’s hard to be sad all the time when we have the cutest kids in the world.”
“We really do, don’t we? At least if they had to leave, we got to keep a piece of them with us.”
“Get some sleep, Mel. I’ll keep an eye on Nate for a while. I could use time with him today anyway.” He kisses me on the head and leaves. I reach over and pick up a photo of Noah and me from the bedside table. We had so much happiness in such a small window of time. Imagine if we’d actually gotten our lifetime’s worth.
“Back away from the door, Sawyer.” I hear Darren’s voice but keep my eyes closed.
“I just wanted to check on her.”
“She’s fine, no thanks to you,” Darren snaps at him.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Do you have any idea what condition she was in this morning? I found her curled up in the fetal position crying so hard she left snot on the floor!” Darren is whisper-shouting, but I can hear every word.
“I told her.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“She doesn’t love me,” he says dejectedly.
“She doesn’t know what she feels. She’s hurt and confused and she feels guilty.”
“You don’t think I feel guilty?” Sawyer pleads.
“I know you do. I don’t think this is a bad idea, but I’m not the one in the middle of your love triangle.”
“Well, I wish I wasn’t, either. Being in a triangle with your dead brother’s wife doesn’t exactly make me brother of the year, does it?”
“Wyatt told you he said it was okay.”
“That doesn’t make it right, Darren,” Sawyer adds with a sigh.
I’m so confused. Who said what was okay?
“Look, today was the worst day for all of this to happen. Give it time, Sawyer. It’s hard to jump back into sex and dating after what we went through.”
“How much time? I’d wait for as long as it takes, but what’s the point if it’s not going to be a positive outcome?”
“Being able to put someone else’s needs above our own is the true sign of love. You did it when you backed away from her in the first place. She did it when she kept Nate because she knew it would make Noah happy, and he did it by showing both of you love exists in the first place.”
Sawyer sighs and I can imagine him running his hand through his hair. “She said she’d go out with me this weekend to the club. Are you going to come?”
“Nah, after that girl in the bathroom I think I’m going to stay away from clubs and bars for a bit.”
“I’m getting a private room,” Sawyer tries coaxing him.
“It’s alright, you two should go and have fun. I’ll probably hang out with Wyatt. After this week, it will be good for you to both get out. I’ve been going out of the house more and more. You two are still the ones being hermits.”
“I’m working on it.”
“I know. Let her sleep and come have a drink with me.”
Their footsteps echo down the hall and I turn over, releasing a breath.
Noah, I don’t know how to do this. I want my love to be for you, I want my heart to belong to you, but you’re not here and he is. Every day it gets harder to say no, to deny myself the touch of someone else. But why does it have to be him I crave? Why does it have to be all kinds of wrong?
Later in the evening, I spend some time pulling out the photo albums and showing Nate pictures of Noah and Belle. It’s mostly just me pointing and saying “Daddy” and “Auntie Belle.” But it’s like he suddenly gets it, and as I’m pointing to Noah he says, “Dada.” The dam of tears bursts like never before.
“Yeah, baby, that’s your daddy.”
But as I go through the motions of putting him to bed, my heart aches. I don’t want Nate calling anyone else daddy, but I feel like I’ve just taken something monumental away from Sawyer. I’m so emotional today, I just don’t know what to think anymore.
Sawyer is walking up the hall as I’m coming out of the nursery. He takes one look at my face and pulls me into his arms.
“Why are you crying?”
“I don’t know,” I say, sobbing into his shoulder.
“Come with me, we should talk.” Sawyer releases me from his hug but holds my hand as he pulls me to his room. We take our usual seats on his bed against the headboard and he turns to me with the saddest look in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry about earlier and about last night. Especially this morning. It wasn’t fair to dump my feelings on you like that.”
“It’s okay. What I said was mean and I didn’t want it to come off like that. The truth is I don’t know how to move on with someone else. And the fact I want it to be you is so fucking hard to wrap my head around.” Sawyer is inching closer to me as I’m speaking, and my heart feels like it’s going to pound out of my chest.
“I’m worried, too, but I can’t help how I feel about you, Princess.”
I bite down on my lip as his are now just a mere breath away from them. He’s going to kiss me, and so help me God, I want him to.
“Me, either.”
“Do you really want to try something with me? For me to be your first after Noah?” His lips press softly against mine and my arms are immediately around his neck, pulling him closer.
“Yes.” My breathless word is captured by his mouth. His tongue traces the seam of my lips and I relish the feeling. I open to him and our tongues meet, not tentatively like new lovers, but as if they’re old friends being reunited. A soft moan escapes me as he clutches me tighter, releasing one of his own.
“God, Sawyer, I want you.”
“You’ve got me, Princess, you always have,” he replies, pulling me on top of him so I’m now straddling him. As I suck his lip ring into my mouth and tug on it, he laces his fingers into my hair. His hardness presses up against me as I grind against him, needing to feel what this is doing to him.
Sawyer and I have never lacked chemistry, but this is different than before. It’s a deeper connection, not hurried or frenzied like our first kiss. We take our time kissing and getting to know what turns each other on.
Sawyer releases my hair and glides his hands under my shirt, caressing my ribs until they find my breasts. I sigh into his neck and bite down, easing the sting with a swipe of my tongue. His hips push up against me as he hisses his approval. When he licks a trail from my collarbone to my ear, I practically combust.
“You’re so fucking hot, Princess, and I bet you’ll be even hotter coming when I’m buried balls deep inside of you.” His sinful words push me to the point of no return.
Leaning back, I pull off my shirt and unhook my bra. “You talk a good game, Weston, now back it up.” When I slide out of my bra, Sawyer flips us over as his lust-filled eyes trail down my body.
He pulls his shirt up over his head and throws it to the ground. I tug his lip ring between my teeth and he groans with appreciation. As soon as I let go, his tongue darts into my mouth, stealing my breath and my sanity.
“Sawyer …” I hiss as his mouth leaves mine. His teeth clamp down on my hardened nipple and my body bucks into his,
yearning for more. When his tongue circles my nipple to ease the pain, I practically melt into the bed. He repeats the bite on my other breast and my body thrashes under his, but in the best kind of way.
“You’re so fucking feisty,” he says with a devious glare as he slides one of his hands into my yoga pants. He cups my pussy hard as he rotates his attention between my breasts. I’m walking a tightrope between pleasure and pain; it’s euphoric. “You’re fucking drenched, Princess, and I haven’t even gotten to the best part.”
With those words, he slides a finger inside me and my eyes roll back in my head. “God, yes …”
A second finger works its way in and Sawyer groans. “So fucking tight.” He pulls my pants and my panties off. The wicked look in his eyes is about to set me off. He takes in every inch of my body and then drops his pants. I’ve always admired Sawyer’s body, but when he drops his boxers I have a whole new appreciation for what’s been hiding underneath.
His cock is hard and just the sight of it makes my mouth water. He walks to the bedside and opens his top drawer for a condom and I take the opportunity to flip over and pull him to me. As I lower my mouth onto his cock, I’m not sure I’ve ever been so blinded by need and lust before. With one hand around his base, the other lightly cupping his balls, I suck him in deep. When he hits the back of my throat, I choke back my gag and open wider, wanting to fit all of him inside.
“Jesus, Princess,” he gasps, gripping my hair and guiding my mouth up and down. “You’re so fucking good at this.” He hisses, and I swirl my tongue around the pre-cum beading at the head of his dick. Tasting him on my tongue floods me with need, so I release him and pull his mouth to mine. The carnal need for Sawyer to taste himself on my tongue is strong. He fucks my mouth with his tongue, seeming to enjoy the taste of himself, turning me on even more.
Lowering my mouth to his nipples, I tug his piercing into my mouth, and he smacks my ass. “Oh fuck,” I moan with delight, and his eyes light up.
“Fuck is right, Princess. It’s time to get dirty.”
