by D. Kelly
“I love him, Warren. But something is holding me back. If I can do this, I can move forward, right?”
Warren pulls me into a fatherly hug and lets me sob onto his chest. “You will always love Noah. Loving Sawyer won’t change that. It won’t put Noah on the back burner, and it won’t change what you had. And it shouldn’t. Every love is different and all the great loves of our lives should be unique. But Sawyer brings you to life in a different way.”
“How do you mean?”
“Noah coaxed you out of your shell. He made you his world and that made him happy. You two explored love and relished each new fun and happy thing. But you two were safe. There’s nothing wrong with that. You would have had a timeless marriage, and it would have been a privilege to be a part of your journey.”
He pauses and looks me over. “With Sawyer, you’ve blossomed. You’re happy and playful. You’ve thrived in your role as mother and aunt. It’s like your whole aura has opened another dimension. You give as good as you get and you’re living outside of the box. The two of you suffered one of the worst losses anyone could imagine and you rose out of the ashes drenched in love for each other. With Sawyer, your Triton shows, Amelia, and it’s pretty fucking incredible to witness.”
“Are you saying you think I picked Noah because he was safe?” The panicked words fly from my lips as I try to catch up with my emotions.
“Absolutely not. You picked Noah because he was the perfect man for you at the right time. The tides have shifted, Mel. Now Sawyer is the perfect man for you at the right time. You’re not any happier now than you were then, it’s just a different kind of happiness that radiates from you. And from him, he’s not that cocky bastard you put in his place that night.”
I nail him with a raised brow and he laughs, lifting his arms in surrender. “Okay, maybe he is, but he’s a lot more than that now. You challenge each other in all the best ways.”
Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, I make a confession. “I’m in love with him, Warren, head over heels, but I’m terrified of the future and I can’t talk to him about it. He mentions kids and I need anxiety pills.”
He takes a seat next to me and sighs. “I’m an old guy who has spent most of my years with rock stars. Most of them, commitment-phobes. That’s not you, Mel. It could simply be that you’re terrified to plan because you’re afraid it will be ripped away from you. Like your parents, like Belle, like Noah.”
He’s right.
“I’m all for living in the moment. I did it for years before Sam. But there’s something to be said for living in the moment and still planning for the future.”
“Thanks for the pep talk, Warren. What do you say we finish up here and go back to the house and drink?”
“I say that’s a hell of a plan. Did I ever tell you about the time Joey and I threw your mom in the pool …”
Later that night, Sawyer and I are lying in bed and I’m tucked into his arm. My fingers trail over his chest and I’m overwhelmed with emotions. Maybe it’s the tequila shots we did, or maybe I’m coming down from an endorphin high from earlier today.
“Sawyer,” I whisper softly.
“What’s up, Princess?”
“Someday, I want to have lots of babies with you.” His arms tighten around me with my confession.
“Define lots.”
“Two, maybe three …”
He chuckles against the top of my head. “I consider lots five or six, but I’ll take two or three for now. Besides, since twins run in the family, it could be five or six kids in the long run.”
“If we have kids, do you think–”
“When, Princess, there is no ‘if’ allowed in that sentence.”
“Okay, when. Do you think you’ll love them differently than Nate?” The thought makes me sad, and he’s quiet for a long while.
With a sigh, he responds, “I might.” My heart shatters. “I’m not sure I could love any child more than I love Nate. He’ll always be my favorite kid, but you can’t tell anyone that, it’s like a parent handbook law or something.” Relief rushes through me, temporarily. “Do you think you’ll love our kids as much as you love Nate?”
The question throws me because my automatic answer I want to give makes me sound like a horrible human. But I don’t want to hold anything back from Sawyer anymore, no matter how bad it makes me sound.
“Mel? Did I lose you?”
“I’m afraid I’ll love them more because they’re a part of you.”
He stills with my confession. “That will never happen, Nate is too awesome. If anything, you’ll just be like all the moms and claim you love them the same.”
“Can I ask you something?”
He laughs again. “I thought we already decided you could ask me anything, anytime.”
“You said you loved me before the accident. Do you know when you realized you knew?”
“It was the night at Sully’s. When you saved me from my sleep demons. That night, you treated me with love and compassion, and I knew I was already a goner.”
That was so early. Noah and I hadn’t even had sex at that point.
“The night you kissed me in your bathroom, I knew there was something special about you. Scary special. Belle and I even talked about it afterward.”
“You talked to Belle about me? How did that conversation go?”
“You know how Belle was, she had so many questions.”
Sawyer smiles. “She was a force to be reckoned with, for sure. What did she want to know?”
“She was blown away that you nicknamed me. She said she’d never heard of you doing that before. And she wanted to know what it was like to kiss you.”
He groans against my neck. “And what was it like, Mel? Tell me and maybe I’ll do it again.”
I whimper as he flicks his tongue against my heated skin. “I told her kissing you made me believe in the devil because nothing could feel that good without being completely damning to my soul. Our chemistry scared me.”
His mouth moves across mine, his tongue swiping over my lips and slowly dipping inside to meet mine. This feeling is everything it was back then and more. Before I can lose myself completely in his kiss, he pulls away, leaving me breathless.
“What did she say?”
“She said I shouldn’t push you away because if it felt that good you must have been sent by God himself.”
Sawyer chuckles against my lips. “Sounds like she might have been onto something.”
“Hm, maybe she was,” I answer, lost in the memory. That was a great day. It was the first day I joined the tour.
“Is that actually how you felt?” he asks softly.
“Yeah, it really is. It scared me, a lot. All I could think about was my parents and what a disaster their marriage turned into with all that chemistry.”
Sawyer props himself up on his elbow and trails his fingers down my arm. “We’re not them, Mel, and we never will be.”
“I know that now, but I was scared back then. Getting back on a bus, heading out on tour, it was all frightening but in the best possible way. My favorite thing about waking up in the morning was talking to you. Getting to know all the little things you deemed it okay for me to know. Becoming your friend was one of the best feelings in the world. But then …”
“Then what?” he prompts.
“We ended up in the same elevator the day I was drunk and you were with that groupie.”
He groans. “Don’t remind me. I was a complete ass.”
“You were, and I was so jealous. I wouldn’t admit it to myself then, but I was fuming. I wanted to scratch her eyes out.”
He brings his lips to mine and his tongue dips inside my mouth, taking a quick taste. “She was a horrible lay if that helps.”
“Jesus, Sawyer. No, it doesn’t.” But I can’t hold back my laughter.
“Why are you telling me all of this?” he asks.
“I’m not sure. I think I want
you to realize my feelings back then weren’t so cut and dry. If I hadn’t been ruled by my fear, the decision between you and Noah may not have been so black and white. I hate that you feel like you’re in second place. It hurts my heart, Sawyer. A lot.”
Sawyer wraps his arms around me and kisses me again, deeper and slower. With each stroke of his tongue against mine I don’t just feel that spark of chemistry, I feel his undying love. When he releases me, I run my thumb across his lips.
“What about Noah? Did he know?”
“No, I never told him, there was no point. Whatever feelings I had for you were separate from him. Even though I played it safe, I don’t feel like Noah was the safe choice. At the time, he was the only choice I was comfortable with, and I will always cherish our time together and our son. But that says more about me than anything. I wasn’t ready for the overwhelming sensations that come from loving you back then, but I am now. The two of you cast some kind of spell on me. And I will never, ever, regret my time with him. I consider our love and marriage one of the biggest blessings of my life. I will always miss him.”
“Me, too.”
“Sawyer, you make me whole. You bring me to life, and you are also one of my biggest blessings. Someday, I’m going to figure out a way to write this down, to show you my feelings in a broad sense so you can understand it was never first or second, win or lose. It was … fate.” He groans, and I laugh. “I know, but I guess Noah rubbed off on me after all. Fate gave me to him to make his last days the best of his life. And fate gave me to you so the rest of our days can be the best days of our lives.”
“Sometimes, it gets to me that Noah had you. I was already second out of the womb so I’ve got issues in that department. If I get down in the dumps about it, I promise it will pass. Even if I was a little bit of a sore loser, I was happy for you and Noah. Without the two of you we wouldn’t have Nate and our son is the light of my life. He is all the best parts of you and Noah in one perfect little package. The way his eyes light up when he calls me Daddy Sawyer is the best high I’ve ever had. The point is, I know we’re where we should be right now and there’s no point dredging over the past again and again because we’re already living our future.”
It’s times like these I completely understand how I fell in love with Sawyer Weston.
“Sawyer?”
“Yeah?”
“Make love to me.”
He bites my bottom lip and flashes me that sexy-ass dimple. “It would be my absolute pleasure. And Princess, just so you know … you’re the only woman I’ve ever nicknamed.”
I’m not sure why that makes my heart soar, but it does.
Something’s Missing
Today, we’re at the building we secured for running the foundation. We’ve been doing everything behind the scenes out of the house up until now, but Sawyer and I decided to hold a lunch for the core group and give a few speeches as to why we’re doing this and what it means to us.
We’re all gathered in the conference room and Sawyer defers to me to begin.
As I look around at all of them, they seem so happy to be here. I hate to put a damper on their mood, but this is going to be sad before it becomes happy.
“Thank you for coming today. We have all been working tirelessly to get things organized to launch this foundation in Noah’s memory. It may be called The Noah Weston Foundation for Kind Acts, but Belle, my parents, Harold, and even Sara, will all be well-represented here.”
Taking a deep breath, I continue. “When we lost Noah and Belle, I lost a huge part of who I am. They were the two best pieces of me and I didn’t know how to process their loss. All of you helped me find a way to the other side of my grief. What you probably don’t know is that I spent so much time grieving Noah, that I’ve avoided fully accepting losing Belle. I write her letters, one a week, and put them in a sealed envelope.”
Karen gasps and Darren’s eyes grow wide.
“In the beginning, this was the only way I could cope. I’ve only written her two letters the past couple of months. Today, I wrote what I hope will be my final one. You see, losing Noah was devastating, but losing Belle … I think that’s what threw me over the edge. It was a snowball effect. I put all my energy into missing Noah and avoiding the reality that Belle is truly gone. She was my best friend and my sister for over twenty years. Each day I see her living through Cadence. She has Belle’s laugh, her smile, her personality. And each day it’s become a little easier to accept Belle is gone.”
My tears are streaming down my cheeks now, but they’re cathartic.
“Our children have been blessed with the best parts of Belle and Noah. We’re the luckiest people in the world to have pieces of them still with us. This foundation has given me hope, and by doing something in their honor, I’ve been able to feel a bit more at peace with moving forward without them.
“Noah’s love was one of the most incredible gifts I’d ever been given. I want that same love to radiate through this foundation and everyone who works here. This will be a happy place that helps make dreams come true. This foundation should encompass everything Noah and Belle were, what they believed in, and what they were passionate about. Which means our focus will be love, happiness, people, and the arts. Before we toast, I’m going to turn this over to Sawyer to say a few words.”
I take my seat and Sawyer stands, flashing everyone that dimpled smile of his I love so much.
“It’s kind of hard to follow Mel’s lead, she’s good with words by trade,” he jokes, and everyone laughs. It’s not really true anymore, but he wishes it were.
“This foundation is something Noah would have loved. Given time, I’m sure he would have started one on his own. Noah was retiring from touring, but he would have never retired from making people happy, including himself.”
Sawyer’s a bit choked up and takes a drink of water before continuing.
“These past two years have been hard for us all. We lost the heart of our family, but the Westons are strong and Noah would hate seeing how long we’ve mourned him. Starting this foundation is good for each of us because we were all touched by Noah and lucky enough to be loved by him immensely.
“There are still days when I wake up excited to talk to Noah. Those days are harder than the rest. Having Nate around really helps. I may have lost my twin, but a piece of him lives on through his son and that is a priceless gift. I’d give everything I have to bring Noah back to us but since that’s not an option, I’m pouring everything I am into the success of his foundation.”
Rory glares at him from her seat but at least she’s keeping her mouth shut.
“Over the next few years, we plan to release an album a year. Some music from the Tritons, some of ours, and some we’ll solicit from other artists. The industry is already buzzing about the upcoming release of EP, and I’ve got some meetings set up with artists to appear on future albums. I miss Noah every day and will do whatever I can to keep his legacy alive as long as possible. I know we all will. Everyone, please raise your glasses.”
As everyone raises their champagne, there’s not a dry eye.
“To Noah. May your love and spirit always be with us.”
Sawyer’s toast is perfect and I can’t help but think I feel Noah’s warmth in this room.
It’s been a about a month since our soft launch at the foundation. It’s now up and running, and even though I wanted to be a bigger part of it, Sawyer and I decided to hire a larger staff. Rory is the only one in the family working full-time. In spite of how she feels toward me and Sawyer, she’s doing a phenomenal job. In fact, she’s already set up a fundraiser for the holidays to auction off donations Sawyer and the guys have been able to secure from their famous friends, as well as the stuff we got from my parents’ house which sold a few weeks ago.
I’m so proud of everything we’ve accomplished and all the good things we’re doing in Noah’s memory. But recently, I started noticing a level of sadness taking over my l
ife when I spent too much time focusing on it. I’m hoping I’ll be able to find a better balance someday, but I’m happy taking a step back and being a mom right now. And I think that’s where Noah would want my focus most of all.
His EP released a few weeks ago and has already gone multi-platinum. There’s already a lot of buzz about Grammy nominations and it makes my heart happy. Noah’s voice was a gift to the world; releasing this EP was the right choice.
Now, I’m sitting at the kitchen table going over the list of funds we’ve agreed upon so far. There are twenty on the list, which is a lot, so they won’t all roll out at once. I’m looking at the top six we’re starting with but it still feels inadequate.
The Noah Weston Fate Grant – for those who believe all things are possible
The Belle Dixson Scholarship for the Arts
The Triton Family Musical Scholarship for Underprivileged Youth
The Harold Scott Scholarship for International Studies
The Sara Stone Fund for Mental Health Awareness and Treatment
The Bastards and Dangerous Musical Equipment Grant for Up and Coming Musicians
“Mommy!” Nate calls out as he and Sawyer come in with the groceries. “I got popsicles!” he says, clutching the box to his chest.
“I see that. Is Daddy Sawyer going to clean you up after you make a mess?”
“Of course,” Sawyer says as he places a kiss on top of my head.
“Where’s Cady?” Nate asks sweetly.
“She went to see her grandma, she’ll be back soon.”
“Okay, popsicle?”
Sawyer laughs at his one-track mind and puts him in his high chair. He’s pretty much outgrown it but sticky messes require containment.
“Why are you scrunching your face like that? It’s too pretty to be scrunched.”
“Something’s missing, Sawyer,” I reply with a frustrated sigh.
