Respect your marriage relationship. Dad called marriage “the most meaningful relationship there is in all human life.” These days, however, marriage is ridiculed in much of our entertainment media and neglected by many in our culture. Our own government places a “marriage penalty” in the tax code, creating a financial incentive for couples to simply “shack up.” These trends spell disaster for the children in these relationships.
In 1960, only 5 percent of babies in America were born to unmarried women. By 1995, 32 percent of babies were born to unmarried women. By 2008, that figure had risen to 41 percent. And those numbers continue to rise.3 Children born out of wedlock tend to suffer higher rates of poverty, illiteracy, abuse, and other tragic consequences.
We need to restore respect for marriage as a safe place where vows are kept and children are protected. Marriage is not just a “piece of paper,” as some people would have you believe. Marriage is a sacred covenant, established in the eyes of God and the community in order to create this safe enclosure we call a “home.” Marriage is not intended to be a trap that imprisons people in a relationship. It’s a set of boundaries that protect two people who love each other from the corrosive forces of the outside world.
If you maintain an attitude of respect for your marriage, if you view the boundaries of your marriage as a defensive wall around your fortress instead of a prison wall, you and your marriage partner will have a safe enclosure in which your love for each other can flourish. It will also be a safe place in which to raise happy, emotionally healthy children.
What if you’re already divorced? Well, do what my mother and father did: make your divorce work. Mom and Dad never said a disparaging word about each other—not in public, not in private. They never tried to get back at each other through Maureen and me. They always treated each other with respect, civility, and courtesy. Even though they were no longer married to each other, they respected the marriage they’d once had. They made their divorce work for the benefit of my sister and me.
For most of my life, I assumed that Mom and Dad had almost nothing to do with each other after the divorce. Yes, they had to talk now and then about parenting issues involving Maureen and me—but I figured they only discussed practical matters, such as when to pick us up from school or where we would be for Christmas.
But after my mother passed away, I was going through her effects, and I found a packet of letters. I keep them in a safe deposit box because they are letters my father wrote to my mother, thanking her for donating to his campaigns for governor and president. I was amazed to learn that Mom used to support Dad’s political career with substantial donations, and he sent her letters of appreciation. What made those letters all the more amazing to me was that, for all those years, I thought Mom was a Democrat!
Be faithful. Some people say, “What my wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” Dad knew better. He said that, way down deep, one partner always suffers when the other cheats. That deceived partner may not know for sure what is wrong—but something has gone out of the relationship. If you think you can cheat and no one will be hurt, you’re not just lying to your marriage partner—you’re lying to yourself. Keep your marriage vows sacred. Be faithful.
Say the words. And the words I’m talking about, of course, are “I love you.” That’s the advice Dad gave me in the PS to his letter, “You’ll never get in trouble if you say ‘I love you’ at least once a day.”
Of course, along with saying the words every day, we need to make sure that our actions match our words. Often, marriage partners—especially husbands—will say, “You already know I love you. I do this and that for you. I’m always there for you. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love you.”
Yes, the actions of love are crucial. But the words of love are powerful, and we tend to underestimate the power of our words.
We need to express our love in words. When one partner in the marriage withholds those words, the other partner wonders why. Instead of asking, “Why do I need to say the words?” We should flip that question around and ask ourselves, “Why am I afraid to say those words? If I truly love this person, why wouldn’t I want to say the words that he or she wants to hear?”
When you say “I love you” to someone you truly care about, don’t just toss it out there as if you are saying, “What’s up?” or “How’s it goin’?” Look into your loved one’s eyes and say it like you mean it. If it seems like your expression of love is becoming routine or cliché, find unusual ways to say it. Leave love notes on his pillow at night or taped to her steering wheel before work. Email it or text it. Send flowers or chocolates and a note, for any reason or for no reason at all.
Are you going through tough times with your husband or wife? Are you dealing with some anger and resentment? Maybe you just don’t feel like saying, “I love you.” Well, this is a great time to start saying the words. Maybe the best time ever. Many marriages have been transformed when one partner chose to say “I love you” even when he or she didn’t feel particularly romantic. Can you imagine how emotionally powerful it would be if, in the midst of a conflict, you were to say “I love you” and really mean it—even if you don’t fully feel it.
One of the most important discoveries I ever made was the realization that authentic love is a choice, not a feeling. We can actually choose to love another person through our actions, even if we don’t have warm, fuzzy feelings for that person. This is the kind of love the Bible talks about, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . . . And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”4
You’d be amazed at how often, after saying “I love you” when you didn’t feel like it, your feelings change. The moment you say “I love you,” your feelings will probably begin to align with your words. By simply saying the words, you’ve taken your mind off your own grievances, and you’ve started to focus on your loved one. Those words have the power to make us less self-absorbed and more loving.
Those words are a gift to your husband or wife—and a gift to yourself. Take my father’s word for it: you’ll never get in trouble if you say “I love you” at least once a day.
6
Turn Defeats into Successes
RONALD REAGAN FIRST RAN for president in 1968, only two years into his first term as governor of California. Though Dad only carried one state in the 1968 Republican primaries (compared with Richard Nixon’s nine states), Dad actually won a greater proportion of the popular vote (37.93 percent) than Nixon (37.54 percent), who went on to win the nomination and the White House.
Dad sat out the 1972 race, and in late 1975, producer and retired brigadier general Frank McCarthy (who produced the 1970 blockbuster Patton) asked Dad to consider playing the title role in MacArthur. Dad declined because he considered himself retired from acting—and he was already gearing up to challenge GOP incumbent president Gerald Ford for the nomination in 1976. In February 1976, while Dad was campaigning in Iowa, McCarthy announced that Gregory Peck had been cast as General MacArthur.
The 1976 primary campaign was a bruising contest. With no support from the GOP power brokers, Dad waged a grassroots campaign and nearly wrested the nomination from the sitting president. He carried twenty-three states; Ford won twenty-seven.
At the beginning of the 1976 Republican National Convention in Kansas City, there was still a chance he might capture the nomination in a roll-call vote of the delegates. But during dinner in Dad’s hotel suite on the night before the roll-call vote, Dad informed us that the campaign had polled the delegates. He was going to come up short in the vote. My father had been defeated.
A melancholy mood settled over us. It was the first time I had ever seen my father lose at anything—and he handle
d the defeat in his usual upbeat style. “A man couldn’t ask for a finer family,” he said. And he thanked us for our support.
Later, Nancy poured champagne, then raised her glass and proposed a toast to Dad. We drank the toast—then Nancy said, “I’m sorry, Ronnie. I really believed you would win. But no matter what, we still have each other.”
Dad smiled, took her hand, and said, “I love you. We gave it a good run, and that’s all there is to say.”
Later that evening, the suite was full of people, and the mood was somber.
I found myself sitting by the fireplace with Dad. I remember noticing that a fire blazed in the fireplace, even though it was August and it was hot outside. “Tell me, Dad,” I said, “why do you want to be president?”
“Michael,” he said, “for so many years, I’ve watched American presidents sit down to negotiate with Soviet leaders. And time after time, the Soviets have told us what we will have to give up in order to get along with them. I wanted to win the nomination and win the election so I could sit down at the negotiating table with the Secretary General of the Soviet Union. I would let him choose the place, choose the table, and select the chairs because that’s how they do things at that level. And while the Soviet Secretary General was telling me, the American president, what we would have to give up to get along with them, I was going to get up from my chair, walk around to the other side of the table, lean over, and whisper in his ear—‘nyet.’ I want to be the first president to say ‘nyet’ to the Soviets.”
That was August 1976. And as we sat there that night by the fireplace, Dad didn’t know if he was going to run again in 1980. (Nancy hadn’t told him yet.) So as far as my father knew, he had just come as close as he would ever be to realizing that dream.
But Dad did run in 1980—and he was inaugurated in 1981. In November 1985, in Geneva, Switzerland, Dad met face-to-face with Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev. The Geneva summit was essentially an icebreaker, in which the two leaders would lay a foundation for future talks. The real test came in October 1986, in Reykjavík, Iceland—the summit where Secretary General Gorbachev told the American president what he would have to give up to get along with the Soviets: the Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI).
My father didn’t literally stand up, walk around the table, and say “nyet” in Mr. Gorbachev’s ear—but Dad did reject the Soviet demands. In fact, Dad demanded concessions from Gorbachev on a number of issues, including the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan and the denial of emigration by Jews and other dissidents. It had taken a little more than a decade, this journey from Kansas City to Reykjavík, from the defeat of August 1976 to the summit of October 1986.
But Dad finally got to tell Gorbachev that a new kind of president was on the job. No longer would America give ground to the Soviets, just to get along. Dad said “nyet,” and the world began to change. The Reykjavík summit ended without an agreement—but it did not end in failure. On the flight home, Dad’s longtime friend and advisor Charles Wick said, “Cheer up, Mr. President. You’ve just won the Cold War.” And it was true. He had.
Thank God for Dad’s steadfast commitment. Though his dream of an impenetrable missile defense shield was never deployed (President Clinton scaled back SDI to a theater defense system), many SDI technologies have been deployed, including interceptor missiles, laser and particle beam weapons, and advanced sensor systems. Israel’s Iron Dome missile shield, which is based on SDI technologies, has successfully intercepted hundreds of rockets and artillery shells, saving an untold number of lives.
As military historian Max Boot wrote in Commentary on November 18, 2012, “The latest Gaza war is only a few days old, but already one conclusion can be drawn: missile defense works. This is only the latest vindication for the vision of Ronald Reagan who is emerging as a consensus pick for one of the all-time great U.S. presidents.”1
One of the most powerful and important lessons Dad taught me was not expressed in words, but in his example. The way he handled defeat with grace and optimism was crucial to his eventual success—and to the success of America in the 1980s and beyond. Dad parlayed his defeat in 1976 into the “Reagan Revolution” of the 1980s. He showed us all how to turn defeats into successes.
Defeat is never final unless we surrender to it. We can turn defeat into a launching pad for incredible success.
Breaking through the Clouds
On Sunday, April 27, 2014, Colleen, Ashley, and I had the privilege of being in St. Peter’s Square at the Vatican for a double-canonization mass for John Paul II and John XXIII. We were guests of Newsmax president Christopher Ruddy, and our delegation included former president of Poland Lech Wałęsa, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, and political commentator Dick Morris. The skies were overcast and most people in the crowd of 500,000 carried umbrellas.
A man standing next to me said, “It’s too bad the weather is so gloomy.”
“If I know God,” I replied, “when the canonization takes place, you won’t need your umbrella. The sun will shine on Pope John Paul II.”
The skies were still cold and gray as the ceremony began. We listened to the homily of Pope Francis and received Holy Communion that he had blessed. When the pope made the canonization announcements, the clouds overhead were still unbroken.
Then as Floribeth Mora, the woman healed by a miracle, presented the relic of John Paul II to Pope Francis, it was as if another miracle took place. The dark sky parted, the sun broke through, and a brilliant light shone upon St. Peter’s Square.
The man next to me looked at me in shock and said, “How did you know that was going to happen?”
I said, “Some things you just know.”
How did I know? I knew because I had seen it happen before—on January 20, 1981, the day my father took the constitutional oath of office and became the fortieth president of the United States. That day, too, was dark and overcast, and the skies over Washington, D.C., threatened rain.
My father’s left hand rested on the well-worn pages of his mother Nelle’s Bible, which was opened to Nelle’s favorite verse. In that verse, God tells King Solomon, “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”2 In the margin, Nelle had written, “A most wonderful verse for the healing of nations.”
After taking the oath, Dad kissed Nancy. Then he stepped up to the lectern and delivered his first inaugural address. As he spoke, the clouds overhead parted, and rays of golden sunlight shone upon the Capitol building and the vast crowd. It was a miraculous moment, as if God himself smiled down on the nation and its new leader.
That’s how I knew the clouds would part again during the canonization mass of Pope John Paul II. Ronald Reagan and John Paul II were two men who were linked together by faith, by a spirit of forgiveness, and by a common destiny. God used these two men to collapse the Soviet empire and spread freedom around the world. It was only fitting that the light of the sun would break through the clouds on each man’s special day.
The First Day of the Reagan Revolution
Of all the words Dad spoke during his first inaugural address, these are my favorite:
We are too great a nation to limit ourselves to small dreams. We are not, as some would have us believe, doomed to an inevitable decline. I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us no matter what we do. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. So with all the creative energy at our command, let us begin an era of national renewal. Let us renew our determination, our courage, and our strength. And let us renew our faith and our hope. We have every right to dream heroic dreams.
After the inauguration ceremony, we attended a luncheon in Statuary Hall of the Capitol. At the beginning of the luncheon, Dad received some exciting news, which he immediately passed on to the guests in the hall: after 444 days in captivity, more than 60 Americans were on their way home.
“I couldn’t ask for a better Inaugural Day gift,” Dad said. The hall erupted in cheers and applause. Dad offered former president Jimmy Carter a final trip aboard Air Force One so that he could go to Germany and greet the freed Americans.
The day was full of events, from a parade and a cocktail reception to a family photo session. I noticed that, as my father conducted his ceremonial duties, he was followed everywhere he went by a military attaché who carried a black briefcase—the nuclear launch codes. I remember thinking in amazement that the loving hands that held me when I was a baby now had the power to launch Armageddon.
That evening, Dad and Nancy were to make an appearance at nine inaugural balls in various ballrooms around the city. Colleen and I hosted the ball at the Washington Hilton Hotel (sixty-nine days later, Dad would be shot by a would-be assassin on the sidewalk outside that hotel). The Hilton ball was the first stop for the new president and first lady. Before going out to greet his guests, Dad checked his appearance in a mirror. He looked dashing in a white tie and tails.
Then he turned to us, jumped in the air, and clicked his heels—an astonishing achievement for a man almost seventy years old. “I’m the president of the United States!” he announced with boyish glee.
We all laughed, and I said, “Yes, Dad, you sure are!”
Then we went out and greeted our guests.
The first day of the Reagan Revolution was like something out of a fairy tale. Soon, however, the fairy tale was over and it was time to get to work.
Dad’s diary shows that the very first order of business for the Reagan administration was a meeting on terrorism with the heads of the FBI, Secret Service, CIA, State Department, Defense Department, and others. In that meeting, Dad made decisions on rescinding some of Jimmy Carter’s policies and executive orders that hindered the counterterrorism abilities of those agencies (then as now, terrorism was one of the first issues a president must deal with). Dad also chaired a cabinet meeting and sessions with congressional leaders on the economy.
Lessons My Father Taught Me Page 11
