Lessons My Father Taught Me

by Michael Reagan

  The transformation was startling. Dad wrapped his arms around Ashley and gave her a big hug, and she put her arms around Dad and squeezed him tight. As they hugged, Dad looked at me with that Reagan twinkle in his eye. “You know why I’m hugging Ashley?” he said.

  “No, Dad—why?”

  “Because she’s a she.”

  That’s my dad—always a ladies man. We walked into the conference room and enjoyed the Christmas program. But before we left, the curtain of Alzheimer’s had come down again over my father. But it had been wonderful, if only for a moment, seeing how a hug from Ashley brought back the old Ronald Reagan we knew and loved.

  He was a wonderful father and grandfather—but he wasn’t always a “huggy” kind of guy. He came from a generation in which men didn’t express emotions. In his foreword to the paperback edition of my book, On the Outside Looking In, Dad wrote, “Being a father forty-five years ago was a much different role than it is today. . . . Fathers didn’t spend the amount of quality time with their children that today’s fathers do, and they weren’t always free to hug their sons or say I love you.”1

  Dad didn’t realize how I struggled with the emotional distance between us. He didn’t understand that all four of his children felt unsure of his love for us. Despite how much we admired him and respected him, despite his kindness and gentleness as a father, we struggled to feel close to him. In my own case, after carrying the burden of my childhood secret for so many years, I came to believe that if Dad didn’t hug me, it was because there was something wrong with me.

  And for years, I felt bitter and angry because of that.

  One day, while I was in prayer, I felt God speaking to me: Mike, when was the last time you hugged your dad? And the answer, of course, was that I had never hugged my dad. He didn’t initiate any hugs—and neither did I.

  That was a moment of clarity. I realized that the problem was not all him. At least half of it was me. So I decided that, the next time I saw my father, whether we were alone or in public, I would give him a hug.

  In early 1991, my father came to San Diego to appear as a guest on my Radio KSDO talk show. It was one of the proudest days of my career, interviewing my father about his book, An American Life. After the show, Dad and I walked out to the lobby—and it hit me: This is it. This is the day I give my father a hug.

  There were Secret Service agents, reporters, and station personnel all around. I didn’t care. I reached out, wrapped my arms around my father, and hugged him. And how did my father react? He tensed up! He wasn’t ready for it, he was embarrassed by it, and he wasn’t sure how to react. But I hugged him tight.

  And after an awkward moment or two, he returned my hug.

  In that moment, something changed. Our relationship was never the same. From then on, whenever my father and I said hello or good-bye, we hugged each other. And very often, to my surprise, he was the one who initiated the hug!

  And here’s the amazing thing: it turned out that Dad wanted a hug as much as anyone—he just didn’t know how to go about it.

  Three years after that first hug, Dad told the world he had been stricken with Alzheimer’s disease. Time passed, the disease progressed, and it gradually stole my father’s memories from him. The day came when he no longer remembered my name.

  But he still recognized me. He knew who I was. I was the guy who hugged him.

  When he would see me, he would open his arms and wait for me to give him a hug. And I would always reach out and pull him close to me, hug him tightly, and say, “I love you, Dad.”

  And he’d look me in the eyes, and he knew me.

  One time, Colleen and I went to visit him. He and Nancy sat together in the den, and Colleen and I spent most the time conversing with Nancy, while including Dad as much as possible. Finally, it was time to go. Colleen and I said good-bye to Dad and Nancy, and we left.

  But there was something I had forgotten to do—something I had never forgotten before. I forgot to give my father a hug.

  Colleen and I were in the driveway, walking to our car, when Colleen touched my arm and said, “Michael—you forgot something.”

  “What did I forget?”

  “Turn around.”

  I looked—and there was Dad, standing at the door, arms outstretched, waiting for his hug. I ran back and hugged him and said, “I love you, Dad. I love you.”

  I’m glad I finally stopped resenting the distance between my father and me and started bridging the distance. That was a lesson Dad learned from me, and I learned from him: Take the initiative. Put your arms around someone you love. Say “I love you,” before it’s too late.

  That’s the greatest lesson of all.

  Notes

  CHAPTER 1

  1 Maureen Reagan, First Father, First Daughter: A Memoir (New York: Little, Brown, 1989), 70.

  2 Ronald Reagan, foreword to On the Outside Looking In, by Michael Reagan (New York: Zebra Books, 1989), 8–10. Citations refer to the paperback edition.

  3 Ryan Sanders, “The Father Absence Crisis in America [Infographic],” National Fatherhood Initiative, November 12, 2013, http://www.fatherhood.org/bid/190202/The-Father-Absence-Crisis-in-America-Infographic.

  CHAPTER 2

  1 Kiron K. Skinner, Martin Anderson, and Annelise Anderson, Reagan in His Own Hand: The Writings of Ronald Reagan That Reveal His Revolutionary Vision for America (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2001), xvi–xvii.

  2 Kevin Duncan, “Americans Paying More in Taxes than for Food, Clothing, and Shelter,” Tax Foundation, May 3, 2012, http://taxfoundation.org/article/americans-paying-more-taxes-food-clothing-and-shelter.

  3 Janet Bodnar, “Economist: We’re Taxing the Wrong Things,” Kiplinger, May 7, 2015, http://m.kiplinger.com/article/business/T019-C021-S003-economist-we-re-taxing-the-wrong-things.html.

  4 Mike Rowe, “Why ‘Work Smart, Not Hard’ Is the Worst Advice in the World,” PopularMechanics.com, August 14, 2013, http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/a9333/why-work-smart-not-hard-is-the-worst-advice-in-the-world-15805614/.

  5 Martin Luther King Jr., I Have a Dream—40th Anniversary Edition: Writings and Speeches That Changed the World, ed. James M. Washington (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1992), 20.

  6 Michael Moroney, “The Myth of Working Hard vs. Working Smart,” Entrepreneur, December 27, 2013, http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/230527.

  CHAPTER 3

  1 Ronald Reagan, Speaking My Mind: Selected Speeches (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1989), 14.

  2 Katherine Mangu-Ward, “Kerry on Reagan,” The Weekly Standard, June 7, 2004, http://www.weeklystandard.com/kerry-on-reagan/article/5421.

  3 Shannon Bream, “Reagan Gets the Shaft in Textbooks,” Tricky Politics (blog), March 11, 2010, http://trickypolitics.blogspot.com/2010/03/expert-reagan-gets-shaft-in-textbooks.html.

  CHAPTER 4

  1 The University of Virginia’s Miller Center of Public Affairs, “President Reagan: First Press Conference, January 29, 1981,” YouTube video, 5:57, transcribed by the author, posted by “MCamericanpresident,” April 6, 2011, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGaN_qjih08.

  2 Dinesh D’Souza, Ronald Reagan: How an Ordinary Man Became an Extraordinary Leader (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1999), 9.

  3 Kiron K. Skinner, Annelise Anderson, and Martin Anderson, Reagan: A Life in Letters (New York: Free Press, 2003), 747-748.

  4 Ibid., 800.

  5 Ronald Reagan, An American Life (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1990), 715.

  6 David Cross, “The Evil Empire Speech,” Following the Presidents (blog), February 25, 2013, http://followingthepresidents.com/2013/02/25/the-evil-empire-speech/.

  7 Natan Sharansky, “The View from the Gulag,” The Weekly Standard, June 21, 2004, http://www.weeklystandard.com/article/5446.

  8 Ibid.

  9 Leslie Stahl, Reporting Live (New York: Touchstone, 1999), 113.

  10 William E. Pemberton, Exit with Honor: The Life and Presidency of Ronald Reagan (New York: Routledge, 1998), 69.

/>   CHAPTER 5

  1 Ronald Reagan, The Reagan Diaries, ed. Douglas Brinkley (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 6.

  2 Ibid., 12.

  3 Child Trends Databank, “Births to Unmarried Women,” Child Trends, March 2015, http://www.childtrends.org/?indicators=births-to-unmarried-women.

  4 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, 13 (New International Version).

  CHAPTER 6

  1 Max Boot, “Reagan Vindicated: Missile Defense Works,” Commentary, November 18, 2012, https://www.commentarymagazine.com/american-society/military/ronaldreagan-vindicated-missile-defense-works/.

  2 2 Chronicles 7:14 (New International Version).

  3 Ronald Reagan, “Primary Resources: Iran Arms and Contra Aid Controversy,” PBS, http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/features/primary-resources/reagan-iran-contra/.

  CHAPTER 7

  1 Paul Kengor, “That Wall,” National Review, June 12, 2007, http://www.nationalreview.com/article/221231/wall-paul-kengor.

  2 Williamson Murray and Richard Hart Sinnreich, Successful Strategies: Triumphing in War and Peace from Antiquity to the Present (Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press, 2014), 412.

  3 Jack Nelson and Eleanor Clift, “But ‘Star Wars’ Remains a Contentious Issue: Two Leaders Try to Charm Each Other,” Los Angeles Times, November 22, 1985, http://articles.latimes.com/1985-11-22/news/mn-990_1_star-wars.

  4 Robert Knight, “Reagan’s Rollback of Communism Is a Model for the Tea Parties,” Townhall.com, February 8, 2011, http://townhall.com/columnists/robertknight/2011/02/08/reagan%E2%80%99s_rollback_of_communism_is_a_model_for_the_tea_parties/page/full.

  5 Paul Kengor, “That Wall.”

  6 Igor Korchilov, Translating History: Thirty Years on the Front Lines of Diplomacy with a Top Russian Interpreter (New York: Scribner, 1997), 156.

  7 Ronald Reagan, An American Life (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1990), 706-707.

  8 Peggy Noonan, What I Saw at the Revolution: A Political Life in the Reagan Era (New York: Random House, 2010), 149.

  9 Ronald Reagan, Speaking My Mind: Selected Speeches (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1989), 199.

  10 Mark 9:35 (New International Version).

  11 Donald T. Regan, “Death of a Boy’s Goldfish and Other Summit Events,” Sun-Sentinel, May 23, 1988, http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/1988-05-23/features/8801310656_1_goldfish-first-lady-villa-fleur-d-eau.

  12 Thomas L. Friedman, “How to Get a Job at Google,” New York Times, February 22, 2014, http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/23/opinion/sunday/friedman-how-to-get-a-job-at-google.html?_r=0.

  CHAPTER 8

  1 Steven F. Hayward, The Age of Reagan: The Fall of the Old Liberal Order, 1964-1980 (New York: Three Rivers, 2001), 101.

  2 John Meroney, “Here’s the Rest of Him,” Claremont Review of Books, May 24, 2001, http://www.claremont.org/crb/article/heres-the-rest-of-him/; Lou Cannon, Ronald Reagan: The Presidential Portfolio: A History Illustrated from the Collection of the Ronald Reagan Library and Museum (New York: PublicAffairs, 2001), 40.

  3 Ronald Reagan, An American Life (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1990), 153.

  4 Ronald Reagan, Speaking My Mind: Selected Speeches (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1989), 163.

  5 Carl Sandburg Home, “Lincoln Biographer,” National Parks Service, http://www.nps.gov/museum/exhibits/carl/lincolnBiographer.html.

  6 Matthew 6:1 (New Living Translation).

  CHAPTER 9

  1 Ronald Reagan, The Reagan Diaries, ed. Douglas Brinkley (New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 12.

  2 Matthew 6:12 (New International Version).

  3 Patti Davis, “Saying No to Daddy,” Town & Country, January 2012, 77.

  4 Patrick B. McGuigan, “Ronald Reagan at 103: A Reporter Recalls Face Time with the President,” Watchdog.org, February 6, 2014, http://watchdog.org/127553/memory-reagan-at-103/.

  5 “Child Molesters,” Yello Dyno, http://yellodyno.com/Statistics/statistics_child_molester.html.

  6 Matthew 18:1-9; 19:13-14; Mark 9:37, 42; 10:13-15; Luke 17:1-2; 18:15-16.

  CHAPTER 10

  1 Ronald Reagan, An American Life (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1990), 109.

  2 2 Timothy 1:7 (New King James Version).

  CHAPTER 11

  1 Paul Kengor, “Where Have You Gone, Bill Casey?,” American Thinker, February 26, 2009, http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2009/02/where_have_you_gone_bill_casey.html.

  2 Ronald Reagan, “Remarks and a Question-and-Answer Session with Reporters on the Air Traffic Controllers Strike,” Public Papers of Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan Presidential Library & Museum, August 3, 1981, http://www.reagan.utexas.edu/archives/speeches/1981/80381a.htm.

  3 Marshall Loeb, Lee Smith, and Ann Reilly Dowd, “Cover Story: Reagan on Decision-Making, Planning, Gorbachev, and More,” Fortune, September 15, 1986, http://archive.fortune.com/magazines/fortune/fortune_archive/1986/09/15/68051/index.htm.

  CHAPTER 12

  1 Ronald Reagan, An American Life (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1990), 56.

  2 Ronald Reagan, Speaking My Mind: Selected Speeches (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1989), 135.

  3 Psalm 91:11 (New International Version).

  4 Hebrews 1:14 (New International Version).

  5 2 Timothy 4:7-8 (New International Version).

  EPILOGUE

  1 Ronald Reagan, foreword to On the Outside Looking In, by Michael Reagan (New York: Zebra Books, 1989), 8. Citations refer to the paperback edition.

  Bibliography

  Bodnar, Janet. “Economist: We’re Taxing the Wrong Things.” Kiplinger, May 7, 2015. http://m.kiplinger.com/article/business/T019-C021-S003-economist-we-re-taxing-the-wrong-things.html.

  Boot, Max. “Reagan Vindicated: Missile Defense Works.” Commentary, November 18, 2012. https://www.commentarymagazine.com/american-society/military/ronaldreagan-vindicated-missile-defense-works/.

  Bream, Shannon. Tricky Politics (blog). http://trickypolitics.blogspot.com/

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  “Child Molesters.” Yello Dyno. http://yellodyno.com/Statistics/statistics_child_molester.html.

  Child Trends Databank. “Births to Unmarried Women.” Child Trends, March 2015. http://www.childtrends.org/?indicators=births-to-unmarried-women.

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  Davis, Patti. “Saying No to Daddy.” Town & Country, January 2012.

  D’Souza, Dinesh. Ronald Reagan: How an Ordinary Man Became an Extraordinary Leader. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1999.

  Duncan, Kevin. “Americans Paying More in Taxes than for Food, Clothing, and Shelter.” Tax Foundation, May 3, 2012. http://taxfoundation.org/article/americans-paying-more-taxes-food-clothing-and-shelter.

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  Kengor, Paul. “That Wall.” National Review, June 12, 2007. http://www.nationalreview.com/article/221231/wall-paul-kengor.

  ———. “Where Have You Gone, Bill Casey?” American Thinker, February 26, 2009. http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2009/02/where_have_you_gone_bill_casey.html.

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  Mangu-Ward, Katherine. “Kerry on Reagan.” The Weekly Standard, June 7, 2004. http://www.weeklystandard.com/kerry-on-reagan/article/5421.

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  Meroney, John. “Here’s the Rest of Him.” Claremont Review of Books, May 24, 2001. http://www.claremont.org/crb/article/heres-the-rest-of-him/.

  Moroney, Michael. “The Myth of Working Hard vs. Working Smart.” Entrepreneur, December 27, 2013. http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/230527.