“I’m watching you live again.” She smiled at him with twinkling light eyes. “Forgive yourself and be happy with her, Aidan.”
Aidan woke with a gasp and sat up straight in bed. His pulse raced and his cock throbbed beneath the bedsheets. The sun beamed through the window, showing dust along his cherrywood furniture.
He ran his hands over his face, exhaling a long breath. His mind spun with the wicked thoughts of his dream and of Lily watching the exchange. What the fuck was that?
Dropping his hands from his damp, warm face, he scanned his empty bedroom, hearing nothing but silence. A fast burst of ice coursed through his veins, softening his cock. His thoughts of Cora, touching her and commanding her, consumed him.
Instead of doing that with her, he sat in his house all alone. His heart clenched. He had nothing—no Cora, no Lily—and yet he could have it all. Cora had bared her soul to him and had offered him her love.
Why was he refusing her?
Aidan ripped off the sheets and approached his walk-in closet next to the master bathroom. Once inside, he reached for the memory box on the top shelf of the wooden cabinets. He dragged his feet along the hardwood floors and returned to his bed. The sun shone through the window next to him as he opened the box. His hands trembled as he took out the photo album containing memories with Lily.
He shut his eyes for a moment, gaining strength. Then he flipped the cover open to a picture of Lily in their backyard. He stared at her, a woman he had loved beyond anything he thought himself capable.
With Cora heavy on his mind, and with Lily’s voice in his ears, Aidan allowed himself to go deep into his soul. As if his past and present could no longer fight. The two women were woven into his life and had faced him in a dream.
He could no longer hide. Bringing Lily and Cora together had made him unable to run from the pain ripping him to shreds. He had lost Lily, but he couldn’t stand the thought of losing Cora, too.
Aidan knew he’d gotten past Lily’s death. His affection for Cora had brought him out of a dark place in his life. Her smile had soothed him. Her personality had made him laugh. She had brought him joy when he thought he couldn’t possibly be happy again.
At the cemetery with Cora, he’d known that he no longer mourned Lily. Of course he would always miss her. But he had accepted her death. Though something else had kept him shadowed in misery, something he had refused to deal with. Now he knew that avoidance had only made it worse. He brushed his finger over Lily’s cheek in the picture. “How do I fix this, Lily?”
She’s dead, his mind told him.
She can’t answer you, his heart bled.
Aidan had always listened to Lily’s advice. She’d always known how to fix everything. He needed someone to answer his spun-around thoughts. He needed to shed the darkness in his soul. Maybe he’d been too quiet about what he went through. Perhaps he’d dealt with his pain alone, which had been the wrong thing to do. Even more so, he thought for the first time, he needed to lean on others.
As a Dom, he wanted to portray strength.
As a man, he knew hiding his weaknesses had broken him.
He couldn’t outrun his demons. They had consumed him like poison in his veins. He’d become a man he couldn’t be proud of. One he couldn’t live with, and a man that would have made Lily ashamed.
He hadn’t fought back.
He’d run.
Aidan might have said goodbye to Lily and accepted a life without her, but he hadn’t forgiven himself. He couldn’t begin to understand what he needed to do to make that happen. To admit his weakness broke the very foundation of his Dom instincts.
Though, maybe that’s exactly what he needed to do: admit that he had failed.
Aidan sighed, placing the photo album back into the box. He placed all his memories of Lily on the floor. He wouldn’t put those items back in the closet. It was time for him to face everything he’d ignored.
His muscles tensed as he reached for his phone on the nightstand. He texted Kyler, You up?
Kyler’s reply came a second later: It’s Saturday—why are you texting me this early?
Up for a climb?
Pick me up in twenty.
—
Two hours later, Aidan took in a blue sky that didn’t have a cloud in sight. The air smelled clean and fresh, even if the dry humidity tightened his lungs. In the well-known climbing spot at Mount Charleston, the sandstone pressed against his chest as he climbed the rock face.
When he reached the next ledge, he clipped into the silver bolt. The climbing rope held snug as he maneuvered his way up the rock. Though his muscles burned and sweat covered his body, he welcomed the exertion.
Aidan needed to shed the angst invading him. His chest had never been so heavy and his head so murky. Squinting against the sun, he used the friction of his hand to hold his position. He examined his next move before he continued. Using his fingers, he gripped the rock above, and his legs bore most of his weight.
He paused, reaching the spot on the climb that called for a dynamic maneuver. A wide grin spread over his face. Adrenaline rushed like an energy drink into his body. He spotted the overhang above him, and he leaned against the rope, examining the rock.
Once he had the move well established in his mind, he pushed off with his feet and jumped, grabbing on to the overhang. With a grunt, his fingers wrapped around the pointed edge and he held his breath, pulling himself up. Every muscle screamed in agony, forcing him to search deep and push past the pain.
When he reached the top of the rock face, he rolled over the edge. His heart pounded in his ears as he pushed off the ground. Then he anchored the rope into the bolt on top of the cliff. With wobbly legs and sweat coating his skin, he dropped onto the edge, dangling his feet over the rock face.
He glanced down at the bottom of the cliff and chuckled as Kyler struggled to make it to the top. Aidan hadn’t picked an easy rock to climb—why would he? Kyler deserved some pain for the conversation the other night that Aidan hadn’t stopped thinking about. Still, Aidan hadn’t been too hard on him, since he knew he deserved Kyler’s wrath, steering him to climb the right side, since it was easier.
Ten minutes later, Kyler reached the top and he pulled himself over the edge. “Bastard.” His gray T-shirt was soaked in sweat, and even his black cotton shorts stuck to his legs. “Easy climb my fucking ass, you prick.”
Aidan couldn’t fault Kyler’s exertion; he wasn’t in any better shape. His navy blue tank top and khaki shorts were equally drenched, as was the hair under his baseball cap. He removed his hat, shaking the sweat from his hair. “You didn’t cut yourself, and you made it to the top.” He grinned. “It wasn’t that hard.”
“Bullshit,” Kyler muttered.
Aidan removed his harness, as did Kyler. After Aidan gathered the rope, he placed it and the harnesses into the backpack they’d left before their climb. With a long breath to settle the race of his heart, he returned to the edge of the rock and stared out into the forest below.
Beautiful.
Some things could be so complicated. Others, like nature, remained the simple. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back. He didn’t stress out in nature; everything went quiet and calm. There, he could always let it all go.
As the hot sun scorched his face, Aidan lowered his head. Kyler approached, offering him a beer. Aidan popped the top and took a big gulp, the crisp, cool liquid sliding easily down his dry throat.
Kyler gulped half the beer back before he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “All right. Talk.”
Aidan snorted because he’d been that obvious. Though he knew Kyler had been right about some things in their talk, he hadn’t been right about everything, which was Aidan’s fault. He hadn’t let anyone get close enough to understand. With Cora’s well-being on his mind, his pride to fight this alone no longer mattered. “You were right.”
“Yeah, I know,” Kyler said and snorted.
Aidan shook his head and grimaced at the ty
pical Kyler answer. “You also had some of it wrong.”
Kyler leaned back on his hands, raising his brows in curiosity. “Oh, yeah, which part?”
Aidan glanced out to the forest below and a hawk soared above the treetops. “It’s not that I can’t move on from Lily and date another woman.”
“Then what is it about?”
“I failed her,” Aidan admitted.
Kyler gave a firm nod. “Ah, yeah, you did.”
“No, I’m not talking about Cora.” He averted his gaze to the rock. “I failed Lily.”
Kyler hesitated. “Failed her how?”
Aidan cleared his throat against the ache. “I was responsible for her death.” The words slid easily from his lips. A heaviness weighing him down seemed lifted, and breathing became a little easier.
“Lily died in a car accident.” Kyler’s voice softened. “How can that be your fault?”
Turning to him, Aidan noticed the wrinkle marring Kyler’s forehead. “If only it could be that simple.” If only Aidan could see it that way. If only he could forget the night that changed his life. “I placed Lily in that car. I kissed her good night, and she drove away.”
Silence fell between them before Kyler pressed a hand against Aidan’s back. “Fuck, buddy.”
Aidan drowned his sorrows with two big gulps of his beer. The crisp liquid gave a much-needed comfort to his throat. “If she hadn’t been working with me late that night, it never would’ve happened.”
“How can you think that?” Kyler asked, dropping his hand. “The blame is on the drunk driver, not you.”
Logically that made sense, but it never made sense in Aidan’s heart. He had replayed that moment thousands of times. He loathed himself every time. “I can’t look at it any other way. Believe me, I’ve tried.” The image of Lily realizing she was going to die in the seconds before the truck hit haunted him.
He should have been there.
The breeze whizzed by and cooled Aidan’s overheated flesh. With a deep, pained breath, he pushed past that memory. He admitted his weakness in the face of what he’d done to Cora. That he owed her.
Christ, he owed her so much more.
Kyler had been right that night—Aidan had asked Cora to bare her soul. He wouldn’t consider himself a man if he didn’t do the same. He couldn’t live with himself being that man. “As a Dom, I failed to protect my submissive.”
Kyler sighed with a thought expression. “Okay, I can understand that. But what I don’t understand is how this relates to Cora?”
Aidan shut his eyes as his thoughts shifted to wonder what Kyler would think of him. As he’d done before, he shut his emotions down and, for once in his life, faced his demons. “It’s not that I’m so damaged that I cannot love another woman, only always thinking of Lily. Or that I think foolishly in the face of love. I see Cora standing there. I know what we share. I’m not blind to it.”
“While it’s good you are finally admitting that”—Kyler sipped his beer, giving Aidan a long look—“I’m also not seeing the problem.”
“The problem is my need to control everything.”
Kyler snorted. “Buddy, you’re a Dom—that goes with the territory.”
It did, but that wasn’t the problem. “You don’t know how it feels to lose control with every sense of the word and to be helpless.” Aidan chugged half of his beer, his chest squeezing to restrain his roar. “I should have been there to help Lily. My submissive died because I put her in that car.”
Awareness filled Kyler’s gaze and softness reached his features. “Ah, so that’s what this is all about—losing control.”
In part, though there was more to it. Sickness twisted Aidan’s gut as he dropped his head and looked to the beer bottle. “I failed a submissive once. I lost all control of a world I thought I held perfectly in check. What if I fail Cora, too? I can’t…” He swallowed deep. “I can’t hold that type of responsibility and go through that again.”
Kyler sighed, placing his hand on Aidan’s shoulder. “I hate to break it to you, pal. You’re already failing Cora.”
Weight carried into Aidan’s slumped shoulders as he retreated inward. “She never said anything before. Of course, I knew we had something special, but I didn’t realize she wanted more. I didn’t know she’d shut down.” How had he not seen her change? Why hadn’t he seen her reaching for more? “And I needed time to process all this.”
“She has shown you,” Kyler said gently. “You were never paying attention.”
Aidan couldn’t refute what was right in front of him. Looking back at his time with Cora, he had known she cared for him. He’d never been blind to their connection or that he loved and appreciated having Cora in his life. Somehow he had convinced himself that she didn’t want anything more from him. That their D/s relationship was healthy, and he gave her enough.
He’d never been so wrong.
Dullness formed in his chest, a feeling of heaviness at how much she’d shut down because as a submissive she was taking care of him. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. He was supposed to care for her. While he did believe as a Dom in an uncommitted D/s relationship he’d done right by her, the problem was he hadn’t been giving her all that she deserved.
She’d been by his side and helped him out of a dark time in his life. She’d forced him to live again. She’d made him undeniably happy. But the one thing that stopped him in his tracks was insecurity.
Was he ready to be what she needed him to be?
As a Dom, he wanted to stake his claim on her. As a man, he needed to think before he acted. He couldn’t make any more mistakes. Questions needed to be an answered.
Was he good for Cora?
Could he give her all of himself?
Was he able to face love and not fear it could be taken away?
Could he be that vulnerable again?
After a long moment of silence, Kyler asked, “What are you going to do?”
Aidan rubbed his temple. Of all the thoughts racing in his mind, only one stood out as most important. “I have to stop hurting, Cora.” He glanced to Kyler, who nodded in understanding, and Aidan added, “And I need to forgive myself.”
Chapter Twenty-five
Wake up. Work. Go to sleep. And repeat.
Cora rolled her eyes at the sad attempt to get over Aidan. She had loved him for two years. That couldn’t be undone in the two weeks since she’d last seen him, no matter how hard she tried.
She hadn’t asked anyone about Aidan, and no one had offered up any news. As much as Cora wanted to know if Aidan was still going the dungeon, she thought it best she stayed far away from that conversation. Hearing that he played with other submissives would likely make her vomit. And she was doing her best to look at the bright side in her current hell.
One promise she had made to herself was if Aidan’s pain ever affected her in ways she couldn’t handle, she’d walk away. While she intended to keep that promise to herself, knowing it was for the best, she couldn’t have anticipated how hard that would be.
Her heart bled that Aidan couldn’t see past his pain. That he couldn’t get over the hurt in his life to be happy with her. But she wouldn’t bare his pain at her expense any longer, no matter how much it hurt to walk away from him.
Cora was bound to face a shitty time after a long history of great ones.
She’d given herself one week to engage in self-pity. Then she’d picked herself up and gone to the spa. A new flirty haircut with long layers, manicure, pedicure, and skin treatments had made her feel, almost, new again.
At her front door and looking into the mirror on the wall, she applied her cherry-red lipstick. She gazed over her black blouse that allowed a good amount of cleavage in contrast to her skinny jeans. For a night on the town the look worked, especially considering Porter and Kyler had given her only an hour to get ready.
Cora hadn’t been the only one missing action at Club Sin. Both Kyler and Porter had spent every night with her on the weekend. So
metimes having a BBQ and beers, or staying at home to watch a movie or going out to the cinemas. Presley and Kenzie had filled her weeknights with shopping trips and girls’ nights.
She appreciated her friends more than ever.
When her doorbell rang, Cora tucked her lipstick into her purse. She gave herself another quick look-over. Pleased by her appearance, she turned to the door and opened it. Kyler and Porter smiled at her.
“Hi, boys,” she said.
Porter, looking a bit badass in his dark jeans and button-down plaid shirt that showed off a glimpse of his bare chest, kissed her cheek. “You’re looking happy.”
“And hot as hell,” Kyler added.
Kyler wore his typical faded jeans and his navy blue T-shirt stretched over hard muscles. “Thanks.” Hell, she deserved to feel sexy, didn’t she? For too long now she’d felt unwanted, and she’d simply had enough of that shit.
Pity parties got old real fast.
She shut the door behind her. “Where are we off to?” Porter had called earlier and told her only that they were heading out and that she was to join them.
Kyler’s gaze twinkled, the side of his mouth arching. “It’s a secret.”
“Secrets!” Cora exclaimed, bouncing on the high heels of her boots. “You boys know me so well.” They made these past weekends bearable, and she loved surprises. “What are we waiting for? I’m ready to make Sin City my bitch.”
Laughing, they followed her as she marched down the driveway.
At Kyler’s black Dodge Ram, Cora opened the door and jumped into the backseat. Porter offered her the front seat on every outing, but he had longer legs. The backseat in the truck wasn’t uncomfortable for someone her size, but he’d have been chewing his knees.
The passenger door opened, and Porter’s laugh filled the truck. “In a hurry, huh?”
“Damn right I am,” Cora replied. She put on her seat belt, a thousand ideas rushing through her mind at the night ahead. “I’m more than ready to shake my ass on the dance floor.”
The Club Sin Series 4-Book Bundle Page 40
