by JM Stewart
She left the apartment, closing the door softly behind her.
* * *
Grayson froze in the doorway, one hand still holding the doorknob. His heart hammered. When the doorbell had rung a minute ago he’d expected to find Cassie, come to insert her wisdom into his business again.
Instead, Maddie stood before him. She looked like hell, too. No makeup and red-rimmed eyes. The sight of her hit him like a meaty fist slammed into his gut. Leaving her had been the hardest thing he’d ever done, but standing on that sidewalk, seeing the hurt rise over her—it hit him hard where they’d ended up.
He’d spent the first two hours after leaving Maddie on the street hashing out the whole thing with Cassie, talking out everything that happened between him and Maddie over the course of their entire relationship. He’d made mistakes. Big ones. Cassie was right. This latest charade, pretending to be someone else, had done nothing but cause more problems. Except he couldn’t get past one thing: It hurt, more than a little, to think she thought him capable of cheating.
He folded his arms. “Hey.”
She wiped her palms several times on her jeans and looked down at the deck. At a little after three, the afternoon was surprisingly quiet. The lake’s gentle waves rocked the dock beneath them; the soft sounds filling the neighborhood with a quiet serenity. The stillness contrasting with the tension all but crackled in the air between them. “I won’t stay long. I didn’t come to bother you. I just came to apologize.”
“For?”
She let out a bitter laugh and shook her head. “Geez, where do I start? For thinking the worst of you. For not trusting you. For not listening. But mostly, for hurting you.”
“I appreciate the sentiment, thank you.” It was all he could say. He did appreciate the sentiment. He appreciated, too, that she’d come all the way out here to say it to his face, but it didn’t change things. She didn’t trust him, deep down, and until she did, there wasn’t a thing he could do about it.
When he didn’t say anything, tears filled her eyes, and her lower lip wobbled. Her throat bobbed, and her fingers trembled as she clasped her hands together.
“Cassie came to see me. I like her. She’s down to earth. I don’t know what I expected from her, but…talking with her made me realize something.” She stopped to swallow again, and when she spoke, her voice cracked. “I’m the reason this doesn’t work.”
Damn it all to hell. Did she know she had him eating out of the palm of her hand? That he was two desperate little seconds from dragging her into his arms for the need to make her stop crying?
“It hurts that you even think I’m capable of cheating on you, that you think I would ever do that to you.” It was the only card he had to play at this point, but it was the truth, and he needed her to know.
She sighed and looked up. “This isn’t an excuse, more of an explanation, but…you can’t tell me that if I suddenly started hanging with Cade or Sebastian you’d be okay with that. If some other guy put his hands on me, hugged me, kissed my cheek.”
Okay, she had him there. Every time she’d called him Dave during their chats it had turned his insides to knots. It hadn’t mattered that he knew he was Dave. The thought of her in another man’s arms made him want to put his fist through something.
“No. You’re right. I probably wouldn’t be comfortable with that, but I’d trust you.” He touched the tip of his index finger to her chest.
Maddie froze, staring at him, so still even her breathing seemed to halt. As if she were working it all out in her head. Slowly her eyes filled with more tears. How many had she shed in the last few hours? Maddie was a strong woman. To see her so open and exposed and clearly hurting cut him deep.
She blinked a few times and diverted her gaze to the deck. Defeat and dejection rounded her shoulders.
She sniffled, nodded, and reached up to swipe the back of a shaky finger beneath her right eye. “You’re right. Trust is apparently a bigger issue for me than I assumed. I think maybe you’re better off without me.” She looked up, her gaze pausing on his for a split second, then she hiked her chin a notch. “I didn’t come here to bother you. I just wanted to apologize. I’ll leave you alone now. Good-bye, Grayson.”
Before he could react, she pivoted and marched down the deck like she couldn’t get away fast enough. Watching her hightail it away from him, his heart caught in this throat, and the words bubbled out before he’d even thought about what he wanted to say to her.
“You don’t want to know what I think?”
She halted dead in her tracks at the end of the dock but didn’t turn around. “No. I can see it on your face. You can call me a coward if you want, but I have no desire to hear you tell me how much I screwed up. I’m very aware right now how much I’ve lost, and I have to somehow figure out how to live with that. I can’t change the past or alter the things I’ve done.”
“Duly noted, but I’m going to say it anyway. For the record, I don’t.”
She looked back over her shoulder, brow puckered in helpless confusion. “You don’t what?”
“Think I’m better off without you.”
She dropped her face into her hands, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed, and some part of his brain told him to stop talking. He was airing his relationship problems to his damn neighbors, for crying out loud, but his mouth kept opening and words kept leaving.
“I’m also angry at myself. Cassie’s right. This last charade was a bad fucking idea all around. Our relationship started on a lie and all I did was compound it and prove that you can’t trust me.” He paused to take a breath, to judge her reaction, but she didn’t move. She was sobbing into her hands, and watching her was a knife to his heart. So, he kept talking, scrambling to get the words out before she walked away again. “I don’t think I’m better off without you, because I’ve tried that, and you know what? It flat out sucks.”
This time she turned to face him and all the air left his lungs. She looked like hell standing there. So goddamn defeated. She didn’t move to wipe away the tears streaming down her face, but stood staring at him like she couldn’t believe he’d said what he had. Her heart was in those pale blue eyes. For a moment, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t seem to make his brain function long enough to drag in oxygen. His chest tightened and all he could focus on were those damn tears.
Her lower lip wobbled, another tear streaking down her cheek. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“Me either.” He was trying to focus on drawing a breath. If he so much as moved, if he did more than stand there and drag in oxygen, he’d be down the dock wrapping himself around her. “But we still ended up here.”
She drew a shuddering breath. “I didn’t come here to play the blame game, Gray. That wasn’t my intention. You have every right to be angry with me. I don’t expect you to forgive me, either. I just needed to say the words, because I needed you to know. I was wrong. I’m the reason this”—she lifted a hand, gesturing between them—“doesn’t work.”
He sighed. He’d sworn to himself he’d wait for her to come to him, when she was ready, but how the hell could he not touch her when she stood in front of him, in tears no less, taking the blame for their entire relationship’s failure?
He couldn’t. Damned if he could leave her standing out there all by herself.
He dropped his arms to his sides, gave in to the pull of her, and nodded in the direction of the interior of the house behind him. “Would you like to come in?”
She wrapped her arms around herself and shook her head. “I don’t want to intrude.”
He held out a hand. He’d meant the gesture as a halfway point, an olive branch. At the very least, he wanted to clear the air between them. Wherever their relationship went from here, he didn’t want there to be hurt and anger left between them.
Except she crossed the space between them, set her hand hesitantly in his and her body hit his before he even realized he’d pulled her in. He wrapped an arm around her and her hand settled on his c
hest, warming his skin through his T-shirt. Relief shuddered through him.
More of those damn tears filled her eyes, and her lower lip trembled. “I swear I never meant to hurt you.”
He stroked his hand over her back, glorifying in the simple fact that he could touch her at all, in the feel of her body beneath his fingers. “Me, either.”
“What happens now?”
He nodded again toward the interior of the house. “You could come in.”
She dropped her gaze to his chest. “Do you want me to?”
More than he could possibly tell her. Instead of answering, though, he slipped his hand into hers and tugged her past the threshold, closing the door behind her. Then he moved to the couch, took a seat and pulled her onto his lap. She sat stiffly before snuggling into him and laying her head on his shoulder. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her face into his neck. Warm wetness trailed over his skin, disappearing beneath the neck of his shirt.
So he wrapped his arms around her in turn, hugging her tightly to him, and stroked her back. “Please don’t cry, baby. God, I hate seeing you cry.”
She sniffled and drew a shaky breath, lifting one hand to wipe her face. “I’m sorry. It’s all I’ve done for three hours now.”
He hadn’t a clue what happened now, but he had to be honest with her. “I meant it when I said I loved you, you know. I was very angry with you earlier, but I am madly in love with you.”
“Was?”
He let out a heavy breath, releasing the last of his frustration with it. Okay, so he was a sap and a sucker for tears. “Yeah. I’ll admit I’m starting to cool off. That you came over here means a lot. It tells me that despite your nuttiness…”
She clearly caught the tease in his tone, because she poked him in the ribs. “Hey…”
He flinched away from her touch and let out a soft laugh. “It tells me that you care, too. And let’s face it. You in tears isn’t something I can handle. The fact remains, though, baby, you don’t trust me.”
Her head rocked against his shoulder.
“It isn’t you I don’t trust. I’ve never had anything like this. After my rape in college, I went in the exact opposite direction. I closed myself off. I meant it when I told Dave he was a first for me in a long time. You were my first and my last, Gray. Since college, I haven’t really dated.” Several seconds of silence passed. When she spoke again, her voice was small and meek, and she went still against him. “I was afraid to trust, afraid of getting hurt again. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, so when I saw you with her, I just assumed…”
He kissed the top of her head. “I would never do that to you. I’m not perfect, and God knows I’ve made my share of mistakes, but that’s not me.”
She sniffled again. “I’m sorry.”
He tightened his hold on her, leaning his head against hers. “Me too, baby.”
She snuggled deeper into him, and he reveled in the simplicity of holding her.
“I love you too, you know,” she whispered from his throat. “Loving you makes me nuts. I’m pretty sure I’m the girlfriend from hell, but I do love you. I’m not sure I know how to live without you. These last three years, I’ve really missed you. I tried to convince myself I didn’t feel it, but I’ve been miserable. I came over because the thought of losing you again the same way made my chest hurt.”
He lifted his head and peered at her. “Look at me.” He waited until her gaze met his, then pressed his nose to hers. “I’m not going anywhere. Got that?”
She smiled, tears flooding her eyes again, and touched his cheek, caressing him with her fingertips. “I have no idea why, but I’m damn grateful.”
He playfully rolled his eyes. “Because I’m addicted to you. Because I don’t know how to live without you, either.”
His thoughts went to the little surprise he’d planned, the entire reason he’d gone shopping that morning. If he knew Cassie, she’d no doubt spilled the beans.
He sighed. “I suppose Cassie told you what we were doing this morning?”
Maddie hitched a shoulder, her gaze dropping to his chest. Her fingers stroked along the collar of his shirt, grazing his skin. “She mentioned you were shopping for jewelry.”
He furrowed his brow, glaring at the picture of Cassie that popped into his thoughts. “I’m going to have to remember to kill her. Would you like to see what I bought?”
“Don’t kill her. She meant well. And I only want to see if you want to share.”
“I want to share, but I’ll need to get up. It’s upstairs in my dresser.” He tucked two fingers beneath her chin, lifting her mouth for a kiss, then picked her up and deposited her onto the couch beside him. After pushing to his feet, he pointed a finger at her. He aimed for stern, but his heart was too light and his nerves too scattered. His lips curled, betraying him. “Don’t. Move.”
Maddie didn’t smile. Rather, she stared at him with somber eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’m done running, Gray. I need you too much.”
He bent over, whispering as he brushed another kiss across her mouth. “God, I can’t resist you. Ditto, baby.”
“Does this mean you forgive me?” Her heart was in her widened eyes, as if somehow she still feared he’d say no.
He stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers. “Can you forgive me?”
Relief moved over her features, softening the stiff set of her shoulders. She smiled, the awful anxiety leaving her eyes. “Already have.”
“Good. Wait here.” He pecked her lips then jogged through the living room and bounded up the stairs two at a time. As he moved down the hallway into his bedroom, his nerves settled in his stomach. He pulled the black ring box out of the top drawer of his dresser and held it in his shaking palm. She was a first in so many ways. He’d never proposed to someone before. God, if she said no…
Disregarding the thought as quickly as it formed, he closed the drawer and jogged back downstairs. Standing in front of her again, his heart launched into his throat. She smiled and blinked, her expression tender but clueless.
He tightened his fingers around the box, using its solidity to get him past the nerves. He’d bought this ring with her mind. It wasn’t a traditional solitaire, because Maddie wasn’t a traditional girl. Cassie had chosen it, and he agreed. The emeralds on either side of the diamond would set off Maddie’s fiery hair. The twisted band was intricately carved. The ring would look beautiful on her finger.
He took a deep breath. Here went nothing.
He arched a brow, aiming for teasing, although his stomach was doing somersaults.
“I had plans, you know. I wanted to make a grand gesture you’d never forget, but since you waylaid that…” He playfully narrowed his eyes. Maddie’s cheeks flushed a deep crimson, but one corner of her mouth hitched. “But if I’m going to do this, I’m doing it right.”
“Okay…” She nodded but once again blinked up at him like she hadn’t a clue what he meant. Was it possible she didn’t? How could she not? Maybe Cassie hadn’t spilled the beans entirely.
He sucked in another deep breath for courage, sent up a silent prayer that the words he’d practiced would magically form on his tongue, then dropped to one knee in front of her. He held out his hand, opening his fist, and opened of the lid of the box.
Maddie gasped, her shaking hands flying to cover her mouth. “Oh God. Cassie only said you were shopping for jewelry. Oh God…”
Grayson let out a nervous laugh. Here he was, his heart hammering so hard he feared the damn thing would burst from his chest, and she stared at the box in his hands like she truly hadn’t a clue. “What did you expect?”
She giggled behind her hand, eyes already tearing up, and shook her head. Her voice came out muffled behind her trembling fingers.
“I don’t know. Cassie didn’t say what kind of jewelry, and I thought about that bracelet you gave me three years ago…” She let out a nervous laugh, then dropped her hands from her mouth and narrowed he
r eyes. “I was too focused on the fact that your other woman had shown up on my doorstep.”
Grayson swallowed a groan. She’d never let him live that down. “Cassie is not my other woman. I kissed her once. In college. I’ll give you that. But it was like kissing my sister.”
Maddie’s eyes gleamed, sparking with amusement. “She mentioned that.”
He groaned. “Baby, you’re killing me here. I had this whole speech I memorized…”
She dropped her hands to her lap and sat up straight. “I’m sorry. Continue.”
“Thank you.” One corner of his mouth quirked upward with nervous relief, but one look at her face and he was lost in her eyes and the words left his mouth of their own accord. “I love you, Maddie. I knew I loved you long before we broke up. That was part of what I wanted to tell you that weekend, and I’ve spent the last three years trying to figure out how on earth I was going to live without you. So, I fully admit pretending to be someone else for that auction wasn’t the brightest idea I’ve ever had, but it brought you back to me, and I can’t be sorry for that.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “Me, either.”
He shifted onto both knees and shuffled toward her, edging between her thighs until they were nose to nose, and he took every breath with her. His proposal had to be a damn cliché, but he was lost in her incredible eyes. God, she really was his. “You’re it for me, Maddie. I told you. I’m not letting you go again. Ever. Marry me?”
His breath halted as he waited for her reply. Apparently, she decided to torture him, because the long moment passed in unbearable silence. Tears leaked down her cheeks one by one, and her throat bobbed, but Maddie just sat blinking. He waited her out.
Finally, she reached out, caressing his cheek with her warm palm. “That’s the sweetest thing any man has ever said to me.”
He pulled the ring from the box, and when she held out her trembling hand, he slid it onto her finger. It looked perfect on her.
“It’s really beautiful, Gray.” She stared down at her hand. Seconds later, she looked up and launched out of her seat, hurling herself against him with a force that sent them sprawling to the floor. He let out an ooof as she landed on top of him, but his temporary surprise became lost as she rained kisses over his face. She pecked his cheeks, his forehead, his nose. Several landed on his mouth.
