The doctor went on to explain the damage done, but Kristina hardly understood what he was saying. It was as if her capacity to comprehend had shut down. Bits and pieces came through. Swelling. Brain damage. Unresponsive.
“But people wake up from comas all the time.”
Kristina wasn’t sure who’d made the statement, but the doctor shot down any hope it raised by assuring them that it was next to impossible in Xavier’s case. A few questions were asked, but the answers all amounted to the same thing: no hope.
When the questions died down, the doctor cleared his throat. “At this point, the only decision left to make is when to remove life support. Once again, I’m incredibly sorry for your loss.”
He turned to leave, but stopped when Esther called out.
“Wait!”
All eyes turned on her. Until that moment, neither she nor Kristina had spoken a word.
“Nothing will be done without our consent, correct?”
“Of course, not. But Mrs. Morris, there's really no reason to prolong it. I assure you, there’s no coming back from this. You should say your goodbyes and begin funeral preparations.”
Chapter 5
After the doctor left, the room filled with the sounds of hearts breaking. Deacon remained on the floor, one of Xavier’s brothers holding him in his arms. Russell sat in one of the waiting room chairs, his face buried in his hands. Omar openly wept in one of his sisters’ arms. The other picked up Chloe and took her out of the room.
Kristina turned to locate Pam and found her standing only a few feet behind her, shaking. When her husband, Reiland, tried to reach for her, she jerked away and stormed down the hall toward the elevators.
He looked at Kristina and reached out to touch her elbow. "I'm so sorry.”
Kristina nodded and glanced in the direction her sister had gone.
"You should probably follow her."
He nodded and left.
Kristina felt she should do something, but she wasn't sure what. Cry? Scream? Curl up in a ball and…what? It was then that Esther put her hand on Kristina's shoulder. When she spoke, her voice was low.
"Take a walk with me."
Kristina nodded and they started down the hallway. Once they were at the end of the hall, just beyond the nurses station, Esther stopped.
"Listen, you and I? We’re his mothers. That puts us in a different position than everyone else. I'm not saying that we have more of a right to him. Or that what we think matters above all else. But I've always believed there's something about a mother's prayer…" Esther interlaced her fingers and put her hands on her chin. "This is the thing… The night he was left at our doorstep? We took him to the hospital and the doctors told us he wouldn't last through the night. The next morning? They told us he wouldn't see twenty-four hours. After that? They said he wouldn't make it a week."
At Esther’s words, Kristina felt something stir in her chest.
"I can't accept God seeing him through all that, only to let him go out like this. I just can't."
"Look at them.” Esther motioned down the hall to the waiting room where the rest of the family mourned. “They've already got him dressed up in his suit and laid out in the casket. And I'm not judging them for that. But I just…” She curled her hands into fists and shook her head.
“I’m not letting him go. Not yet. But when I think back to those days and nights with him in the hospital, all those times when the doctors told us he would be brain-damaged, or his organs wouldn't develop properly, I had my husband standing by me. Firm. But the moment the doctor gave us that news, I felt him break. I'm not blaming him. I'm not judging him. It's just what happened.
“What I'm saying is, I don't know if I can do this on my own. Sometimes you doubt. Sometimes you look at that person in the hospital bed and it seems like change is the most impossible thing in the world. And in those moments you need someone that can stand with you. And regardless of our backgrounds or what we’ve been through, we have one thing in common: this boy.
“No matter how much they all love him,” she said, pointing toward the waiting room. “We are his mothers. And if anyone can stand and see this through, it's us. I know what I'm asking you to do is not easy. Some may even call it ignorant. But I'm telling you right here and right now, if you've got my back, I've got yours."
The stirring that Kristina had felt was now a fluttering, like the fragile but strong wings of a butterfly. Was it faith? Hope? She wasn't sure. But it was the first good thing she’d felt since the doctor opened his mouth. Whatever it was, no matter how faint, she was going to hold onto it with her life.
"I'm in. What do we do?”
“Pray. Every day, come two o'clock, we’ll meet in his room and pray. And no matter what happens, no matter how bad it looks, we'll keep praying and believing until we no longer have reason to."
Pam and Kristina sat outside of Tamia's room, waiting for her to wake. Kristina stole a glance at her sister. She was sitting next to her, staring straight ahead, her face like stone. Her hands were in her lap, clenched into fists.
They hadn’t spoken since the doctor gave news on Xavier’s condition an hour earlier. But Kristina didn’t need words to know what was going on with her sister. It was clear.
Pam had shut down.
It was what she did when crisis hit. Tamia and Kristina always called it her Robot Mode. They weren’t making fun, just stating a fact. That so-called Robot Mode got them through some of the worst times. Like a soldier, Pam would grit her teeth and do whatever needed to be done.
That was one of the things that’d moved Kristina the most during the weekend in the hotel with Robin. Until then, she’d rarely seen Pam cry. She might’ve shed a tear, here and there, but that was it. There was no lamenting, no shaking her fist at God, no asking why. Pam just took it as it came and moved forward. From the looks of it, that was exactly what she was doing now.
“I can’t imagine what Esther is going through.” Pam said, her voice even, without emotion. "You either."
She turned and looked at Kristina. "I'm not gonna ask you how you're feeling. I'm sure I couldn’t even fathom the depth of it. And I’m not gonna tell you that God must’ve wanted another flower for His garden or any of the other pointless things people say when someone dies. But I have to know…are you okay? I mean, are you feeling like you might, well, wanna use?”
Kristina shook her head no and it was the truth. But she didn't want to tell Pam it was because, as far as she and Esther were concerned, there was no reason to begin grieving.
Not yet.
Pam resumed staring at the wall opposite them. "Well, thank God for that. I'm not gonna lie. I could really use a drink right now."
Kristina reached over and took Pam's hand, giving it a squeeze.
Pam looked down the hall and in the direction that led to the waiting room.
“I wonder how this is going to play out. Is Esther and her family handling all of the arrangements?"
Kristina shrugged.
“I’d understand if they did. They've been his family his entire life. But it would be nice if they'd let us participate. I thought about asking, but I don't want to cause any drama. Maybe we should just wait. Follow their lead."
"Yeah," was all Kristina said.
"Just in case, you should think about what you’d like. Any particular songs you’d want to hear or poems you’d like to have read—“
Kristina stood abruptly. The action stopped Pam mid-sentence.
"Maybe we should go wait inside Tamia's room. You know, so she sees us the moment she wakes up. I'm sure she's going to have a lot of questions."
"Oh, yeah." Pam stood. "Good idea."
Kristina followed Pam into the room, grateful not to be talking about burying her son. But she knew she’d eventually have to tell Pam the truth. And one thing was sure, she was not looking forward to that conversation.
Tamia didn't so much as stir for another hour. When she did, her eyelids flew open and she tried to s
it up.
"No no no no." Pam jumped up and held the sides of Tamia’s face while Kristina swept out of the room to get a nurse.
"Don't move, sweetie.”
Tamia’s eyes searched down and around at the constraint that held her neck and head.
“Why am I like this?” Her voice was gravelly, a result of the damage done to her vocal cords. “Take it off.”
“Tamia. Stop. Look at me. Look at me.”
Tamia did as Pam instructed. Once her breathing had steadied, Pam continued.
“I know you’re scared and I’m going to explain everything, but I need you to promise me you’ll be still, okay? There was some damage to your spine and that’s why you’re strapped in this.”
Tamia blinked. “My spine?”
Pam nodded. “You just came out of surgery. You were in an accident.”
Tamia's eyes went wide and the panic returned. "The bus. The bus!“
“Okay, okay, okay. Remember what I said, sweetie.”
Tamia took a deep breath as tears sprung to her eyes. Pam caressed the side of her face.
“You had us scared for a minute there. It was touch-and-go."
Kristina returned and the nurse she brought with her asked Tamia how she was feeling as she checked her vitals.
Tamia squinted, as if having to concentrate on the meaning of the question. “Some places feel numb. Some are…” She searched for the word she wanted. “Tingling. And my neck,” she started to lift her hand, but instead of it touching her neck as she’d intended, her arm swung out to the side.
Tamia’s breath caught and she looked at Pam, her eyes wide with fear again. The nurse took her hand and guided her arm back to her side, but remained silent. Pam had already made it perfectly clear to her and the doctor that the sisters would break the news to Tamia.
After the nurse left, Tamia searched her sisters’ faces for explanation.
“Say something. Tell me what happened. What’s wrong with me?”
Chapter 6
“Kristina, would you give her some water, please?”
Kristina quickly poured a cup, then held up the straw so Tamia could sip. Tamia took a drink, but kept her eyes on Pam as she brought her chair close to Tamia’s bed and sat down.
“There was some internal damage. Your organs. Fortunately, the surgeon said he sees no reason you can’t make a full recovery in that respect. But your vocal cords…” Pam clenched her jaw and swallowed. “Tam, the doctors say you may not be able to sing again.”
Tamia didn’t make a move or a sound, but Kristina knew the news had gutted her. With the exception of Xavier, Tamia loved singing more than anything else. It was all she’d ever known. Whether on stage before thousands, or alone in her shower, it was one of the few things that brought Tamia joy.
Pam exhaled. “But the biggest concern has been your back. Several vertebrae were fractured and the part that protects your spinal cord was crushed. These bits of bone have made their way to the spinal cord—”
“I’m paralyzed?” Tamia’s voice was so small, she sounded like a child.
“Not paralyzed.” Pam hesitated. “Not yet. But the neurologist said it’s a likely outcome. Your spine wouldn’t be able to withstand the weight of your body unless you had surgery.”
Tamia watched Pam and waited. There was more and she knew it.
“The thing is, the surgery would mean putting rods in your back. In that case, you’d probably be able to walk again.” Pam clamped her hands together and stared at them. “However, there would be chronic pain. And chances are, you’d also be disabled.”
Tamia stared straight ahead, completely still, completely silent. Her sisters exchanged glances, unsure of what her silence meant. She’d just been told she might never walk again and instead of crying or shouting or railing against God, she didn't make a sound.
Pam got up and took a step forward. “Tamia? Do you understand what—“
"It's my body that's messed up, Pam. Not my brain."
Pam stepped back and looked at Kristina again. There was a venom in Tamia’s voice they’d never heard before. Not even for their mother, probably the one person who deserved her disdain more than any other.
Out of all they’d been through in their lives, all the pain and abuse, Tamia experienced the worst of it. But through it all, she somehow remained tenderhearted. Hopeful, even.
She didn’t hesitate when she discovered Xavier was alive. She couldn't wait to wrap her arms around him and tell him how much he’d been missed and loved. And when she saw that Kristina still loved Omar, it was she who went out of her way to bring them together, despite Pam's disapproval. And while she’d fight if it meant defending her family, it wasn't who she was. Even when she was putting on a tough act, everyone knew Tamia was the gentlest of the Langston sisters.
But now it was clear something had changed. It appeared that life, finally, had broken her.
"What about everybody else? What about Michelle? Xavier? We were sitting at the dinette, playing dominoes. But after the accident—“ Tamia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she spoke again, her voice was raw with emotion. "After the accident, I opened my eyes but I couldn't see either of them. I called out, but no one answered. Where are they? Did they need surgery, too?”
"Tamia…"
Pam cut Kristina off. “We can talk about all that later. For now, rest.”
"I just woke up, Pam. Trust me, I’m rested. Where’s everyone else?”
“I think we should talk about this after—“
Tamia began to struggle against her restraints. Kristina and Pam moved to stop her and she shouted. “Don’t touch me!”
Pam pressed her lips together and Tamia glared at her. Neither of them was about to give in.
“If you’re not gonna tell me what I want to know, then get out.”
Kristina saw a crack in Pam’s cool calm. Tamia’s words had hurt her. But they didn’t change her mind.
Pam picked up her purse. “Like I said, you need rest. We’ll talk about this later.”
Pam signaled for Kristina to join her as she made for the door and reached for the handle. But before she could touch it, the door swung open and Russell peeked in.
"You're awake!" His eyes were puffy and pink, but his face lit up with a smile upon seeing Tamia looking back at him.
"Where's your brother?"
Russell, coming in the room, stopped in his tracks at Tamia’s question. He looked at Kristina, then Pam, then back at Tamia. No one moved, each waiting for someone to say something, none wanting to be the one to do it.
“Uh…”. He looked down and away, his eyelids blinking rapidly.
"What? What happened?" When no one answered, Tamia grew desperate, nearly choking on her tears. “Please! Just say it! Where is he?”
Pam exhaled and reluctantly returned to Tamia’s bed. "Jamail and Dede barely have a scratch on them. Joseph and Michael…" Pam cleared her throat before going on. "The accident was so bad, Tamia—”
“I know. I was there. That's not what I asked you."
"Not everybody made it out…“
Tears filled Tamia’s eyes and she balled her hands into fists. "Pam, I'm not going to ask you again. Where is he?"
Pam choked back a sob. "They did everything they could."
"No!"
"The only thing left to do is take him off life support."
Tamia let out a cry that nearly brought Russell to his knees. Pam backed away and turned to the wall. Kristina wanted to do something, anything, to relieve her sister’s pain. And though she knew she’d pay for it later, she did the only thing she could think of.
"That's what the doctors say."
Pam, Tamia and Russell looked at her.
Tamia blinked. "What? What do you mean, that's what the doctors say?" She looked at Pam, then back at Kristina. "What aren't you telling me?"
"I'd like to know the same thing,” Pam said.
"What I mean is,” Kristina said, wiping her sudde
nly sweaty palms down the front of her pant legs. “The doctors aren't always the final say."
Pam took a step back, a frown on her face. "What are you talking about? Were you not standing in the same room as the rest of us? There's nothing that can be done, Kristina. No other hospital, no specialist, no expert in their field can save him now. I know you want to have hope, but—“
"I wasn't talking about any of them."
Pam raised her eyebrows. "Well then, just what are you talking about?"
Kristina hesitated. She’d been a Christian for, what? Two minutes? And though she'd been raised in church, she spent a good part of her life chasing her next high, not Jesus. No one would call her a saint. And she certainly couldn't be compared to the great women of the Bible, and yet…
"Remember that Old Testament story? We heard it in Sunday School. The one about the woman who prayed and asked God for a son? And then he died and she went to the prophet and God raised him back to life?"
Pam stared at the ceiling and shook her head. ”You've got to be kidding me.” She turned and dropped down in one of the chairs in the corner of the room. "Kristina, please, don't do this."
“What? Believe God?"
Pam sighed and scrubbed her face with her hands. "This is not the Old Testament. It’s not even the New Testament. Jesus is not walking the earth. I'm not saying people can’t get healed or miracles don’t happen, but I think we’re past that point.”
"But isn't that what a miracle is?"
All three sisters looked at Russell. They’d forgotten he was there.
"That thing that happens when you’re past all hope?" He looked at Kristina. "If you ask me, this is exactly the kind of situation you believe in miracles for."
Pam stared at him, astounded, and shook her head. "I can't. I just can't. Not right now." She got up and started for the door.
My Soul Is Satisfied (The Langston Family Saga Book 3) Page 3
