She imagines herself cowering in a dark corner, trying to hold herself together as her body is being turned into something unrecognizable, something other. This is what you wanted, she reminds herself. You asked for this. She keeps the thought in her mind, knowing that what is happening is all down to her. Nothing is being inflicted on her that she hasn’t asked for. But she hadn’t been prepared for this, for the feeling of her body not being her own, of the pain, the intense pain that rips through her again and again, with no warning.
***
Ashton has shifted back into human form and he stands over Sofie’s prone body, his hands shaking. He can still taste her blood in his mouth, the feel of her flesh as his jaws tore into her arm. He can still see the expression of pain on her face and he wonders if he’ll ever be able to get that image of her out of his mind.
He has an overwhelming feeling of déjà vu. Things are playing out exactly as they had in his dream. She’s bleeding and she’s scared. I’m standing over her. I can taste her blood. It’s me that’s done it to her. The flashes of his nightmare come back to him and he can’t separate the imagined from the real, they’re too closely connected for there even to be a difference.
You said that you would never hurt her, Ashton reminds himself. You said that you would protect her and now you do this. He shakes his head at himself in disgust. What kind of a monster are you?
A hand on his shoulder makes him whirl around, growling, primed for action, ready for a fight, itching for one. He needs to use the rage that’s inside of him, he needs to direct the hate that he’s feeling for himself on to something else, before it suffocates him.
“Easy, Ash, it’s me. It’s just me.” Lindsey talks to him, her voice soft and calm as if she were soothing a spooked horse.
He looks at her wildly, struggling to get his feelings under control, struggling to keep the wolf at bay. It feels like it’s getting harder and harder every day. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Hector squaring his shoulders, getting ready to jump in to defend Lindsey if he has to. That’s what snaps Ashton back to reality, the realization that he’s scaring them, that he’s frightening his own people, his own pack.
He closes his eyes, forcing his body to relax, imagining the tension leaking out of him piece by piece. When he opens them again, he’s back in control and he can sense the way Lindsey and Hector both take in a breath of relief. Ashton turns away from Lindsey, looking back down at Sofie, trying not to focus on her bloodied arm and the way he’s mangled it.
“You should get some rest.” Lindsey’s voice behind him is soft, but from her tone it’s clear that she doesn’t hold out any hope that he’s going to do what she suggests.
“Later. I don’t want to leave her alone.” The rest of the pack have dispersed, their part in the proceedings has taken place. The only thing they can do is wait now. That’s all that any of them can do.
“I’ll stay with her. You’re exhausted. And when she wakes up she’s going to need you. You won’t be any good to her if you can barely stand up.” Her voice is firm, motherly almost and Ashton wonders at how the tables have turned. He was supposed to keep them safe and here Lindsey was, trying to take care of him.
“You’re a good friend, Linds.” Ashton doesn’t look at her as he says the words, his attention on the woman that he loves at his feet. He wants nothing more than to gather her into his arms and hold her, rock her gently and kiss her, bring her back to him.
“But you’re not going to listen to me.” Lindsey sighs deeply and Ashton knows without turning around that she’s shaking her head at him in despair. “Did you tell her what was going to happen?” Her voice is tentative, the exact opposite of Lindsey’s normal directness. Clearly, watching her friend go through this most violent of changes was affecting her too.
“You know that I can’t. It’s different for everyone.” Ashton rubs his hands over his face, wondering absently if he looks as exhausted as he feels. He’s used to feeling strong, vibrant, full of energy. But right now that seems like a distant memory. “Besides, I only know what happens when Lycans that are born go through maturity. Whatever Sofie’s experiencing, it’s going to be different. It’s not something that she’s ever been prepared for. She won’t have been told that it feels as if you’re fighting with yourself, that the wolf will try to push you into a corner, will try to take over. She won’t know that she’ll have to fight her way out -- that she’ll have to overcome the wolf to survive.”
Ashton curses himself for not having broken the rules, for her, for not having told her what she would need to know to get through whatever was happening to her. But it was the way that things had always been, she had to do it herself. Weres had to prove their strength and the first test was against themselves. He wasn’t even sure if she would have understood what he was saying to her, she had been so out of it.
“She’ll be alright, Ash. She’s strong, a helluva lot stronger than she looks. Have a little faith.” Lindsey waits to see if Ashton has anything left to say but he remains silent, transfixed by the emotions playing across Sofie’s unconscious face. He barely hears her pad stealthily away, Hector following her lead, leaving Ashton alone.
Faith. That was what Sofie had said. She had asked him to believe in her. So that’s what he has to do. It’s the least he can do now. He kneels by Sofie’s side, careful not to touch her, knowing that if he interferes with her in any way it could have disastrous consequences on her psyche. Her senses were being assaulted on all levels, adding to that in any way could be fatal. It’s so hard to be close to her and not reach out to stroke her hair or her face.
He had thought that having to leave their ancestral home, being the Alpha that lost something that could never be replaced, he had thought that was pain. But it was nothing compared to standing by and watching Sofie go through the transformation, unable to help her, not knowing if she was going to live or die. This was agony.
Lying on the ground, her caramel hair spread like a fan around her, she looks like an angel. Does that make you the devil, then? Ashton wonders to himself humorlessly. You’ve done this to her. If she dies, how will you ever forgive yourself? Ashton’s eyes flick over Sofie’s mauled arm and he feels a twist in his gut, like a knife. How could anyone do that to someone that they love? Ashton rakes his shaking fingers through his hair, hanging on to himself by a thin thread. Perhaps Calambor was right, perhaps you are a monster after all.
***
Man up, Braun, she tells herself. She remembers the pride she felt in Ashton calling her ‘tough’ and lifts her chin a little higher. She remembers the look in Gus’s eyes as he told her he would be proud to have her as a member of the pack. She remembers Lindsey’s words; you’re the key to all of this, Sofie. She squares her shoulders, forcing herself to stand up, to get up from the cold. Ashton is going to need you to do what he needs to. The memory of Sofie’s prediction helps her to stay on her feet, despite the agony that twists inside of her like a snake.
She pushes against the wall, channelling all her energy into keeping herself upright. He needs me, she repeats to herself. He needs me and I won’t let him down. He needs me to stand by his side and that’s where I belong. She lifts her head and when she screams it’s not a sound of pain, it’s one of defiance. It’s her way of telling the wolf that’s growing inside of her that she’s still the one in charge, that she won’t let it take over, won’t let it kill her.
Sofie, you could die. Ashton’s warning rings in her ears but she pushes it away, shaking her head vehemently. But I won’t; I’m not going to die. I’m going to survive this.
“I’m going to live!” She shouts the words into the void, not knowing who she is hoping to hear her, only knowing that the words need to be said. She looks around the box-like room that she’s in, the square of darkness that can’t be more than 6 feet by 6 feet.
She has to get out of here. She’s no good to anyone in here, in this place where no one can hear her. She tests the walls but there’s no flaw tha
t she can see. They’re strong, but she’s stronger. As the thought occurs to her, her body moves as if it weren’t even hers anymore. She lifts her hand, throwing a punch into the wall and watching as her little prison shakes. She looks at her knuckles in wonder, there’s no damage, not even a graze, as if the wall were made of foam instead of stone and cement.
She clenches her fist, feeling her own strength rushing through her blood stream. She pulls back her arm and punches the wall again and again, again and again. “I’m going to live!” She shouts the words as her fist connects with the wall, not stopping until she’s covered in sweat and she’s created a whole that’s big enough for her to climb through. Sunlight pours in from the other side, piercing the deep blackness of her cell and almost blinding her.
“I’m ready,” she says the words to herself and they’re so full of conviction she doesn’t have any doubt that she is. She steps through the hole and into the light.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Sofie’s eyes fly open, and sits bolt upright, like she’s just awakened from a particularly frightening dream. But the sudden movement has given her a head-rush, she feels dizzy, like everything is out of focus. It takes a few blinks and deep breaths but the world finally stops spinning like a marionette and Sofie notices that everything looks different. Everything is sharper, brighter, the color of the grass is greener than she remembers, the sound of the wind whistling through the trees is more musical.
She looks around and sees Lindsey, Hector and Gus talking in hushed tones a few feet away. Finn is on the other side of her, tapping away on his laptop while Darwin looks on. Sofie feels like she can count the number of wrinkles on his face. He looks exhausted and not only that, he seems to have aged about ten years since they first arrived in Beaumont. He’s been through a lot, she reminds herself.
But Sofie feels like the opposite is true of her – she feels brand new, like she’s just woken from the best night’s sleep of her life, like she’s been reborn. Memories of Ashton in his wolf form biting her arm makes her flinch, but when she looks down there’s nothing there, not even a mark, as if it had never happened. She takes in her side, touching it hesitantly, but the gaping wound has gone, leaving behind a slim pink scar. It looks years old, not hours.
She shifts her body, pushing herself up from the ground, testing her strength, still not really processing what’s happened to her. She misses Lindsey’s expression of shock as she catches sight of her.
“Oh my God! Sofie! You’re okay! You’re alright!” Lindsey barrels into her friend, hugging her tightly and squealing in her ear, sounding way too high-pitched to be mistaken for a wolf
“Good to see you too, Linds. But if you don’t let me go, I might not be okay for long!” Sofie takes a welcome breath as Lindsey reluctantly lets her go. But her eyes never leave Sofie’s face, as if she’s looking for some kind of signal, some kind of sign that will tell her what happened to her.
“Don’t mind her, she has a habit of getting a little over-excited when her friends pretty much come back from the dead.” Hector grins at her stupidly shrugging as if to say ‘what can you do?’ He contents himself with slapping her on the shoulder, as if he were making sure that she was really there, standing in front of her.
“Back from the dead?” Sofie repeats the words slowly, as if she thinks she may have misheard them.
Finn looks up from his laptop, his face lighting up as he sees her. But he manages to quickly cover himself, replacing it with as bland an expression as he can muster. “Good to see you’re done playing the drama queen.” He rolls his eyes sarcastically. “Always have to be the center of attention, don’t you Braun?”
“Well, you know me, can’t get enough of those near-death experiences!” Sofie beams back at her friend, knowing that sarcasm is the closest thing she’s going to get to an actual welcome back.
“Honey, that wasn’t a near-death experience, that was just a plain old death experience.” Finn’s attention is back on his laptop as if he hadn’t just dropped a bomb. Lindsey and Hector wince at Finn’s words but Gus’s face is inscrutable as always.
“Is anyone going to tell me what he’s talking about?” Sofie looks around from one person to the next, her gaze settling on Darwin who is still looking at her as if she had just appeared out of thin air.
He clears his throat, when it becomes clear that no one is going to speak. “After the…the bite.” Darwin hurries on as if he doesn’t want to remember what he’d seen, “your heart rate kept dropping and dropping. Then it just…stopped.”
Sofie gulps, looking down at herself and stupidly wondering if it were possible that she was a ghost. “How…how long did it stop for?”
“One thousand, four hundred and sixty-three minutes and thirteen seconds.” Darwin rubs at his eyes and Sofie absently wonders if the redness around them is from tiredness or from tears.
“A day? My heart stopped for over 24 hours? But that’s not possible!” Sofie’s brain rails at the thought of it. She knows enough about biology to know that brain cells start to die after only a few minutes without a heartbeat. She looks at her hands as if she expects to find bits having fallen off of her. But she feels better than ever, better than she had any biological right to feel after having been clinically dead.
“Well, quite. That’s pretty much what we thought.” Darwin looks at her as if she were a particularly interesting puzzle. “But that’s what happened. Your heart stopped beating, you stopped breathing. To all intents and purposes you were…”
“Dead.” Gus helpfully supplies the word that Darwin clearly didn’t want to say for fear of offending her.
“But now you’re not!” The brightness in Lindsey’s voice is almost enough to chase away the heaviness hanging around them. Almost.
“When…? How…?” Sofie takes a deep breath and tries again. “How did I come back?” She doesn’t even know if that’s the right thing to ask, not having had much experience in this whole coming back from the dead thing.
“We don’t know.” Darwin’s shoulders sag. It’s the scientist in him, the disappointment at having to admit that there’s something he doesn’t know. “You just did. Your heartbeat started again, barely, at first I thought I was imagining it. Then your chest was rising and falling again. Your pulse got stronger and stronger. The color came back into your cheeks. You came back. I don’t know how to explain it. There’s no rational explanation for it.” Darwin scratches his head.
“I suppose there’s not a rational explanation for quite a lot of what’s happened in the past few weeks.” Sofie looks down at her hands and her legs, still in her dirty hot pants. She can feel the cool dirt beneath her bare feet. She’s here, this isn’t a dream. This is real, she came back.
Her fingers close over the necklace that Ashton had given her. She remembers taking it off back at the house. Had she been wearing it when he’d bitten her? She doesn’t think so, but then how had it suddenly appeared around her neck? There are too many questions buzzing around her head to even attempt to answer them all. The how or the why of any of it isn’t important, not right now. There’s only one thing that she wants to know. “Where’s Ashton?”
The heaviness in the air settles again as silence stretches out. Lindsey’s eyes go straight down to the floor, Hector looks at Lindsey, Darwin seems to be in his own world, probably trying to come up with some kind of scientific explanation over what happened to her. Finn is staring at his laptop as if his life depended on it.
Gus is the only one that meets her eyes. He sighs, like he’s preparing himself for a job that no-one else wants. “He’s gone to make a deal with Calambor.”
Sofie can’t believe what she’s hearing “Why? Why would he do that?” None of it makes any sense to her, Ashton would never have just left her.
They all look between them, like none of them want to say but this time it’s Lindsey that pipes up. “He did wait. He didn’t move from your side for two days.” Sofie looks at her in shock. She can’t believe that so
much time has past – to her it was as if she just closed her eyes and opened them again.
“You were fighting the whole time, but it wasn’t looking good. You weren’t healing, you’d lost so much blood. We were beginning to lose hope, that you would make it.” Lindsey shakes her head, as if she doesn’t want the memory of it and Sofie reaches out her hand to comfort her. Lindsey smiles at her gratefully, strong enough to continue again. “Then your heart stopped and that was it. Game over. Or at least we thought it was. Ashton, he wasn’t doing so well. He wouldn’t leave your side, for hours.” Lindsey stops as she sees the tears flowing over Sofie’s cheeks.
“Then what happened?” Sofie pushes her on, needing to know it all.
“He told us not to move you, that he didn’t want anyone to touch you. He said he had something to do.” Lindsey shakes her head, gritting her teeth. “He told us he was going to see Calambor. That he was going to do what needed to be done. He thinks that if he gives that shitheel what he wants then he’ll be able to save the pack.”
“And no-one tried to stop him?” Sofie looks at them all accusatorily, knowing that she’s being unfair but too angry to care.
“How’d you think I got this?” Gus points to his bruised face and black eye. “You can’t stop an Alpha from doing something once he sets his mind to it. He’s stronger than all of us.”
Sofie takes a deep breath, forcing the panic out of her mind. The anger that rises up from somewhere deep inside of her is harder to control. But she knows she needs to keep it at bay, at least for a little while. She can’t come up with a plan if all she can see is the red mist of rage.
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