by Leanne Davis
“So what’s up?”
“I told Spencer I’m in love with him and he freaked out. He stole my car, in fact.”
Rob, taking a sip of coffee, suddenly started coughing and sputtering. “Shit, Erica. You can’t just tell Spencer that.”
“Well, I did.”
“Your first mistake. But what can I do about that? Even if I tell Spence he’s a bloody, stupid fool not to love you back, I can’t change him.”
“You can tell me why Spencer can’t. How did Spencer become part of your life?”
Rob looked at her, then down. He wrinkled his brow and shook his head. “We were neighbors.”
“He told me. About his stepbrother. That’s as far as he got before he flipped out.”
“He told you?” Rob looked up at her and his mouth dropped open.
“I asked. And yeah, he told me. He wanted to tell me. He wants to tell me everything, but he can’t. He’s afraid. And he’s damn well in love with me. So if you could tell me what happened to him, then I would know what I need to do to get through to him. And how to deal with him, because I tell you, he could test the patience of a saint! And I have no intention of becoming one.”
“I agree. He does, and he shouldn’t. But it’s his story to tell; surely you see that? I can’t tell you behind his back. He’s my best friend. I just couldn’t do that to him.”
“This is much more than that, and you know it. If you want me in his life, I need to get past his brick wall, and until I do, we’ll keep going in circles. And I can only try for so long. So save both of us a lot of grief and help me, before I walk out of here like he’s trying to make me do. Help me stop that from happening.”
Rob drank his coffee, as he watched Erica over the rim of his cup. He finally nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’ll tell you what I know.”
She covered his hand with her own. “Thank you. So where did you two live?”
“A small neighborhood, only twenty miles from here. Don’t look so surprised. It was a nice suburban bedroom community. Not exactly the horrible circumstances you might have pictured. Pretty split-levels, fairly well kept yards. Kids playing at twilight, dogs barking. Normal America. Except for me. And Spencer.
“My parents were shits too. They were both alcoholics… Yeah, it runs in the family. When they happened to remember I was there, they used it as an excuse to beat me up rather than doing anything to help me. I spent most of my life trying to avoid them, as well as my house. I spent my time with my friends, at their houses, or in the fields and empty woods around the house. Back then, it wasn’t all houses. There were lots of places I could hide.
“As you can imagine, the four-year age difference between Spencer and me mattered a lot as kids. Spencer and I didn’t hang out. I knew of him, and his family. But nothing really stuck out in my memory, until I was fifteen, and Spencer was eleven. That’s when his mother remarried. A man and his son moved in. The son was my age, and his name was Barry. He was a weird kid, though, and it didn’t take me long to figure out we weren’t hanging out together. He wasn’t interested in normal guy stuff: riding bikes, flirting with girls, or stealing beers and sneaking them out into the woods. About that time, Spencer came on my radar. He’d grown a foot or so and was already taller than me. But skinny. And quiet. So quiet and intense, you didn’t know he was there sometimes. He always watched everything and seemed like he knew everything. But he didn’t talk, or kid around like most kids do. He was, even then, introverted and totally into himself.
“The thing is, Erica, he never told me what Barry did to him. I don’t think I’d know to this day if I hadn’t caught him at it. I was just a kid, and I didn’t really know what to do or think about what I saw. Spence never said anything to me and never even asked for my help. I came up on them out in the woods one day. Barry was buttoning his pants and must have heard me coming. Spencer was on the ground, all dirty, like he’d been struggling; he was cowering there. When he saw me, he scrambled to get away from Barry. I was a little punk back then and I pulled a knife on Barry. Just a pocketknife I carried, but I thought I was tough. Anyway, I told Barry to get the fuck out of there; then I helped Spencer up. He wouldn’t look at me. Never made eye contact, but he thanked me. And I knew. I knew then what happened to him.
“Fucking pervert would corner Spencer whenever he could. Barry was huge, with a football player kind of build and real beefy. After that day, Spencer stuck close to my side. If I was going out, he always came after me. He stayed with me, never asking, or making conversation. I threw rocks at his window whenever I went out; and if I called for him, he’d always come.”
“Jesus,” Erica said, tears running over her eyes.
“Do you want me to stop?”
“No. No, of course not. Tell me what happened when he was thirteen. Why didn’t you tell anyone what was happening to Spencer? And what was happening to you too, for that matter?”
Rob sneered. “Ah, Doc, who was there to tell? Who would have cared about either of us? Two forgotten little shits? Our parents didn’t care. There were no nice family friends to look out for us. At school, I was regularly in so much trouble, no one would have even believed me.”
“What about Spencer’s mother? Or the stepfather?”
“He told his mother, and she said he was making it up just to get attention. Yeah, right, like Spencer even once in his life wanted attention!”
“She chose the stepfather and brother, over her own son?”
“Yes.”
“My God! No wonder Spencer doesn’t trust me. Or any woman. What finally happened to make you both decide to run away?”
“He came to my house in middle of the night with blood on his shirt and a bag slung over his shoulder. He said he had to leave, and would I help him?”
“And you did?”
“Of course, I did. What did I have to lose? Daily beatings by my drunkard old man? A mother who cowered from him as much I did? And never lifted a hand or voice in my defense?”
“So you two ran away that night?”
“We ran away and took the bus downtown. When we got off, we were scared shitless, both of us. But we stuck together and watched each other’s backs. We were okay, because we were free. Free of everything, for once.”
“What was the blood on Spencer’s shirt from?”
Rob shrugged. “I never asked. That’s the bond we have, I don’t ask and he tells me things when he’s ready and in his own time. Some things he has chosen to never tell me. But I still don’t ask.”
“And I ask all the time. What does that mean? He won’t stay with me, will he?”
“I think coming from you it’s a bit different.”
Erica rubbed a hand to her forehead where a headache was brewing, hurting her brain, as well as her tired eyes. She felt sick inside knowing what she learned about Spencer. Of course, she already guessed, long ago, that Spencer had to escape from some kind of abuse. Thirteen-year-old boys didn’t leave their homes for no reason. Or just because their parents were too strict or mean. Something terrible was inflicted on Spencer. Something evil that turned him into Spike instead of Spencer. Now she knew what.
Erica saw plenty of sexual abuse in her practice, with young girls, teenagers, and even grown women. She had unlimited resources that she called on to guide the abuse victims and counsel them. But Spencer? Erica had no idea what to do with him. Or how he felt inside. Or how the sexual abuse might have affected him as a man.
“Do you really love him?” Rob suddenly asked.
She lifted her head up. “Why would you ask me that? Yes, I’m in love with him. Why do you both find that so hard to believe? He acts like I dare not even try to shake his hand. Why is that?”
“Because in our experience, women like you don’t date guys like us.”
“What does that even mean? Women like me? Guys like you?”
He shrugged and stretched his legs. “You’re a doctor, Erica. That’s something neither of us could ever accomplish. We don’t even know peopl
e who can accomplish things like that. The women we know tend bars or waitress, sometimes they’re hairdressers or receptionists. Never doctors.”
Erica blew air out of her mouth. Back to that: the perennial job difference. “It’s a job. Really. It isn’t me.”
“It’s everything! It shows how together you are and intelligent, classy and beautiful. You’re really something, Erica. Face it; you symbolize quality, and Spence and I are the losers from the wrong side of the tracks that statistically and traditionally end up nowhere. We were destined for homelessness and jail, not to hook up with pretty, nice, caring professionals. We’re practically from different planets. And the world Spence and I came from and dwell in… well, women like you don’t often abide in for long. And if, by some miracle, they do visit, they never stay.”
“If you think I’m so freaking great, why won’t you… why won’t he, believe what I say? I know my mind, and I know my heart.”
“Why won’t he? Because he won’t dare to believe it, or hope it will last. It’s better not to hope or want because then he can’t be disappointed. He’s waiting for everything to fail. It’s never an option with him, it’s always the result. Everything ends abruptly or everything fails. Nothing lasts. Not one thing in his life can be depended on, Erica. Even I disappointed him. For a time, I was his only source of stability and he looked up to me. That lasted for years, and you can see what it did to him. Look where I ended up. I was probably the last nail in his coffin of how crappy life can be. Nothing good lasts. That’s all Spencer knows, believes, or sees.”
Erica rubbed at her eyes. “Do you think I stand any chance of changing that for him? If I stay? Will he let me in and get close to him?”
“I think you’re about the only person I know who stands the best chance of that.”
“You make it sound so bleak, and his life so dark and hopeless. Like he can never know true happiness.”
Rob smiled sadly. “Happiness isn’t really on the table for him and me. We’re more into just surviving. You up for this, Doc? It’s not romantic. It won’t be easy or fun. I think you already know him well enough to have observed that for yourself.”
Erica slouched. “What about all the past women Spencer slept with?”
“Nothing. They were nothing to him. Scarily, nothing. He was regularly a little more heartless in that area than I was. I couldn’t quite be as cold, or treat them strictly like objects as he did. I’m sorry to tell you that. But I do know you’re the first woman that he ever felt anything significant towards.”
“And of course, this follows the whole Tamira fiasco, which again, proved his theory that life always sucks.”
“Yes. Unfortunately. But he’s not so wrong. Who else could that have happened to, but him? And right when he was finally with you, the only woman he ever wanted to be with. Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Why do you want to be with him? You could be dating all the Nick Lassiters of the world. Why choose Spencer?”
She let out a breath that ruffled the strands of hair next to her chin. “I never loved Nick. Spencer’s not a bad or evil person. He’s just lonely. Scared of life. Scared of me. But I enjoy the person he does let me occasionally see. And I like how I feel when I’m around him.”
“That right there must be pretty hard to believe for a guy like Spencer.”
A car door slammed suddenly and Erica and Rob looked up as the door that led to the garage opened and Spencer entered with loud footsteps. He stopped dead, his eyes narrowing when he discovered them sitting at the breakfast bar, with two cups of coffee before them. Silence descended rather loudly between the three of them along with Spencer’s obvious anger at finding the scene he walked in on.
“Having a nice chat, I see,” he said, coming into the kitchen, and throwing her car keys down on the counter with a sharp “clink!” He turned back towards them, his arms crossed over his chest, and his face closed off in a dark scowl.
Erica licked her lips. “You took off.”
“I didn’t think you’d go running to Rob in middle of the night.”
“What exactly did you expect me to do? You took my car, so it’s not like I could go home. And that’s not what you wanted me to do.”
Her comment stopped Spencer cold.
Rob got up. “Don’t be such a screw-off before you know anything, Spence. Look, I’m outta here. I gotta get ready for work.”
“Yeah, I can see how you stayed out of it.”
Rob turned back and glared at Spencer. “You ran, as usual. The only difference is this time, you actually came back. You’re here, so deal with it.”
Erica felt her usual confidence fading as Spencer’s icy attitude enveloped the room. He stood there unmoving, unblinking, still glaring at his best friend, and doing anything to avoid looking at her.
“What do you want?” Spencer finally asked as he stared down the now empty hallway.
“What do I want?”
“Yeah, what do you want from me?”
She raised her eyebrows in surprise. He was serious; he truly thought she wanted something from him. She rubbed her eyes, feeling so tired. Her heart was aching after hearing his history of abuse and for him. Finally, she shrugged. “I’d like something to eat.”
His eyebrows lifted in surprise. “What?”
“I’m starving and tired. I did work all night, you know. I haven’t slept. And I’d like something to eat.”
He glared at her, and seemed to consider what his next move would be. Finally, he turned and walked to the refrigerator where he pulled out a package of cheese and butter.
“What did you do last night?”
She smiled. At least, he was talking to her. “I delivered a baby. C-section. Healthy mom and baby boy.”
He turned towards her, his mouth twisted and looking weary. “Of course, you did. When aren’t you delivering babies while the rest of us sleep or do nothing? Grilled cheese, okay?”
“No. Just toast, no butter.”
“Why?”
“I’m trying to lose a few pounds.”
He set the tub of margarine down and frowned at her. “No you’re not. You’re having a grilled cheese. You always have one after surgery.”
He remembered that? “You can’t tell me what to eat.”
“Don’t be stupid,” he said, with a skillet already out.
She bristled. “I’m not being stupid, I don’t want it.”
“I don’t care. You’re not dieting.”
“I’m just trying to get back to normal.”
He took the bread out and removed two slices. “You are normal. You couldn’t look any better if you tried.”
“I weigh ten pounds more than I used to. And I don’t like it.”
“I don’t care. You’re going to eat. Besides, I think you look better now.”
She chewed on her lip and watched him as he heated up the skillet with his back to her. “You really think so, don’t you?”
He glanced her way. “What’s so hard to believe about that?”
“I just don’t think you find me very attractive. Especially now. I would think one of those girls you dated, who was truly stunning, would have captured your eye and your heart long ago.”
He put the bread and cheese on the now warm pan before finally turning, and crossing his arms as he looked at her. “They didn’t. They don’t. You did. You do.”
Erica took comfort from that because she knew he meant it. She saw it in his eyes and his reactions to her. For some reason, she attracted him far more than any other woman, and that’s all she could cling to for the time being. She found it hard to face him after learning about his past, and his fundamental beliefs about life. She smiled at him, and he stood there practically glaring at her. He blinked with surprise that his scowl, which was so dark that a lesser woman would have cowered before slinking from the room, didn’t bother Erica. Eventually, he reluctantly and barely curled his lips to smile back at her.
�
��You look tired,” he said more gently.
“I’m exhausted. I haven’t had the best of weeks lately.”
“No. You haven’t,” he said quietly before turning and flipping the sandwich.
“I’m glad you came back.”
He didn’t look up, but his shoulders tensed. “Yeah, I came back.”
She nodded as she took the plate he handed to her with her steaming grilled cheese sandwich. Even at six in the morning, the aroma was just right to her screwed-up digestive system. She bit into it and sighed as she closed her eyes and savored the wonderful flavor.
“I don’t know how you do that, but you always make it taste like a slice of heaven.”
He chuckled. “Strangely enough, you’re extremely easy to please.”
She opened her eyes and smiled at him. His dark eyes seemed heavy to her. She finished eating and her headache began to dissolve. She rubbed her eyes under her glasses and adjusted the rims. They too hurt her, after having them on for more than a full day.
“You should go to bed now.”
“I should. Do you want me to go home?”
He hesitated and tapped his fingers in the counter. Finally, he shook his head. “No. Don’t go home.”
Erica smiled, but only when he turned his back. Somehow, she managed to survive this round. She knew it was unfinished, and totally up in the air, but still, it was battle she won for now. She was still there. She stood up and turned towards the stairs as she heard him tossing the dishes into the sink. He followed her up the stairs, but she didn’t dare look at him or question why.
He came up behind her and stood close to the bed as she slipped her slacks off again, and took her bra off from under her blouse. Finally, setting her glasses on the nightstand, she felt all the while as if she were being examined and under his scrutiny. She crawled across the bed, pulling the covers back, and happily sinking into them as she slipped between the cool sheets and blankets. Her extreme fatigue overtook her, and she leaned against his headboard.
Without a word from him, he sighed as he stretched across the bed, and his head came next to hers. She leaned down and kissed his lips. It was a chaste kiss, just their lips touching, moving, and tasting. Her hand came to his cheek, while his hand went behind her head, into her hair, pressing her head tighter, and kissing her deeper. They stayed like that for several long moments. He was craving her, it seemed. He wanted her near him. Finally, he let her go and she lifted her head.
