by Anne Fraser
* * *
When Tiggy got home that evening she was still thinking about Jo.
Nick was in the kitchen, studying a recipe book and glancing at a chicken as if it was about to leap off the kitchen counter and attack him. He was wielding a knife like it was a scalpel.
‘I thought I would make dinner,’ he said, ‘but I’m having a bit of a problem. How the hell do I make chicken stock?’ But then he must have seen her face as he laid the knife on the counter and pulled out a chair for her.
‘Sit down.’
She opened her mouth to speak but he shook his head. He reached into the fridge and poured a glass of wine and waited until she’d taken a sip. ‘Now, tell me what’s wrong?’
‘How do you know something’s wrong?’
‘Because I’ve seen that shell-shocked look on nurses’ and medics’ faces too often not to recognise it. Did something happen at work? Did you have a bad case?’
It was a relief to have someone to talk to who knew what it was like. ‘She came to us last week, Jo, I mean. She’s fifteen, waiting for her GCSE results, a world-class runner, one of life’s gifted and blessed children. At least, she was.’
Nick said nothing, just waited quietly for her to continue.
‘She was diagnosed with bacterial meningitis. We didn’t need to have the results of her lumbar puncture to know. It was evident from the rash straight away. Her parents thought she had flu and was feeling particularly bad because she’d been training so much. Anyway, by the time they recognised that she was seriously ill and called an ambulance Jo was already beginning to drift away. She lost consciousness on the way to hospital. We did everything we could. The works. But as you know, at that stage it was just a fight to save her life. And we did.
‘She was transferred to ITU and I went up most days to see her. I was the nurse who liaised with the family. You know what it’s like. They turn to you as if you are the only thing between them and this awful chasm. It’s like a battle and you and they have joined forces.’
‘I know,’ Nick said.
‘Anyway, two days after she was admitted to ITU she developed gangrene. There was nothing anyone could do except amputate. Both legs. Above the knee. She’s only fifteen.’
Nick came to stand behind her and squeezed her shoulders. She let her head fall back against him.
‘There’s so much they can do now,’ he said softly. ‘They’ve—we’ve—had so much experience with amputees.’
‘She’s just a teenager, Nick. She thinks her life is over. She won’t even get out of bed let alone start her proper physio. Her parents are beside themselves. They don’t know how to get through to her. No one knows how to get through to her.’
Nick was quiet for so long she started to wonder if in his head he’d gone back to Afghanistan. Suddenly she was horrified. Of course talking about Jo must bring back memories for him.
‘I think I know what we can do.’ He leaned over her and picked up his mobile from the kitchen table. ‘Leave this to me,’ he said. Suddenly he smiled. ‘In the meantime, could you see what you can do with that bloody chicken?’
He wouldn’t say what he was up to, but the next morning he insisted on coming with her to the hospital. He was looking particularly pleased with himself. In fact, he was looking more relaxed than she had seen him since they’d met again.
This Nick reminded her of the one she’d fallen in love with.
Oops, she told herself. Don’t go there. One swallow does not a summer make.
‘If you have some bright idea about marching up to see Jo and telling her to pull herself together as there are many people in worse positions, forget it.’
He slid his eyes in her direction. ‘Do you think I’m that insensitive—or clueless?’
‘Then tell me what you’re up to.’
‘Nope, no can do. You’ll have to wait.’ He reached over and tweaked her nose. ‘You always were a curious woman.’
‘Did you just tweak my nose?’ she spluttered.
He just laughed. ‘God, I’ve missed you.’
She didn’t know what to say to that so she didn’t say anything. But she couldn’t stop the warm glow that spread from her toes right up to the middle of her chest.
She shook her head. No. Definitely no. No way. Not in a million years. As soon as it was decent she was kicking him out of her house and back out of her life.
* * *
When Tiggy pulled into the car park, Nick almost leaped out of the car. His eyes searched until they came to rest on a beautiful blonde standing by the entrance. When his face broke into a wide smile, an unpleasant sensation gathered in the pit of Tiggy’s stomach. Not jealousy—of course not—only an unpleasant feeling.
The woman smiled back and raised her hand. She came running over to them and flung her arms around Nick’s neck.
Tiggy wanted to slap her. And Nick.
‘Hey, Hazel, it’s good to see you.’
‘You too, boss. It’s been far too long.’
‘Hazel, this is Tiggy. Tiggy, Corporal Hazel Gray—one of the best army medics I ever had the pleasure of working with.’
None of that made Tiggy want to slap her any less. However, she made herself smile as she held out her hand. She was still puzzled. Why was Nick meeting her here?
‘How’s that husband of yours?’ Nick said as he hooked Hazel’s elbow in his and started to walk towards the main entrance.
She had a husband! Tiggy’s breath came out in a whoosh; she hadn’t realised she’d been holding it. They were walking ahead of her and Hazel was saying something to Nick that made him laugh. The jealousy she felt this time was different. They were so easy with one another, easy in a way she couldn’t remember ever being with Nick. Life with him had been exciting, fun—at least at first—but easy? No. Not that. Especially towards the end.
Feeling a little like an unwelcome guest at a party, she followed them. Hazel was tall and slim, but there was something in the way she walked that wasn’t quite right. She was rolling slightly as she walked. It was almost indiscernible and if Tiggy hadn’t been behind them she would never have noticed.
‘Which way to Jo’s ward?’ Nick asked once they were inside the hospital.
‘I think you should tell me what’s going on.’
Hazel frowned. ‘You mean you haven’t told her?’
‘No. I wanted to see if she noticed. And you didn’t, did you, Tiggy?’
Tiggy was beginning to see where this was going. But it wasn’t something she felt comfortable about asking.
‘Hazel is a double amputee,’ Nick said.
If they hadn’t told her, Tiggy wouldn’t have believed it.
Hazel’s eyes dimmed, but just for a moment. ‘I was the medic with the boys when the man in front of me stood on an IED. He didn’t make it, and I was in a bad way. Nick was part of the rapid response team. He kept me alive.’ Nick gave a dismissive shake of his head. ‘You know you did,’ Hazel said with a soft smile. ‘Anyway, he told me about the girl with the double amputations. He thought it would be a good idea for me to speak to her. I do a lot of that now I’m no longer in the army.’
They stopped walking as Hazel continued.
‘When I lost my legs, I thought my life was over. I hated Nick for saving me. My husband Davie and I were engaged at the time, but I didn’t even want to see him. I certainly had no intention of going through with the marriage. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. After the surgery I was flown to the military hospital in Birmingham. I was still a mess—emotionally and physically. I thought of myself as literally only half a person then.
‘But the others—the other patients, amputees—wouldn’t let me give up. They pushed me and tormented me until I was determined to damn well show them I could—and would—walk again. Months later, Davie came back to visit. I still couldn’t bear him to see me but he begged.’ Her eyes softened. ‘It was Nick who persuaded me in the end.’ She glanced over at Nick and Tiggy followed her gaze. He was l
eaning against the wall, his eyes half-closed so she couldn’t read his expression. ‘Nick told me that if I didn’t say goodbye properly to Davie, if I didn’t tell him I couldn’t be with him face to face, I would regret it for the rest of my life.’
Still Nick said nothing but a hard lump was forming in Tiggy’s throat. Had he ever thought of how they’d never really said goodbye? Had he regretted the way things had ended between them?
‘I gave in. And as soon as I saw Davie walking towards me, I knew. If he still wanted me in his life, I would never send him away again. I told him that the years would be hard, that I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t get depressed or angry, but if he was prepared to put up with all of that, if he could truly accept me, this new, broken me, I would do everything in my power to make him happy.’
Tiggy’s chest was so tight she was finding it hard to breathe.
‘What did he say?’
A smile lit Hazel’s face. ‘He said he loved me. Whole or not, he would never stop loving me, that being without me had been hell on earth. Then I guess we cried a lot.’ Her smile grew wider. ‘We have a daughter now. She’s two. And I’m in training for the Paralympics. I dream sometimes that I’m whole again, but to be honest I couldn’t be happier.’
Tiggy blinked the tears away. Had she been in Hazel’s situation, would she have had a fraction of her courage?
‘This is who I am now. I tour the country speaking to amputees, especially young amputees. I train, I have my daughter and I have my husband. I wouldn’t trade any of it to get my legs back.’
Tiggy smiled. ‘I think you’re just the person Jo needs to chat to. Come on, let’s find her parents and introduce you.’
* * *
Half an hour later Hazel was sitting on the chair next to Jo’s bed talking softly. Jo was still staring up at the ceiling but Tiggy knew from the way her head was cocked that she was listening. It wouldn’t happen overnight, there were bound to be ups and downs, but she knew that Jo was out of danger. This remarkable, courageous young woman would see to it.
Jo’s parents were waiting by the door with Nick. They held out their hands to Tiggy. ‘We don’t know how to thank you. Where did you find Hazel?’
Tiggy looked directly at Nick, ignoring the warning shake of his head. ‘It’s not me you have to thank, it’s Dr Casey here.’
* * *
Tiggy had to leave Hazel with the family to go to A and E to start her shift. She walked Nick to the front entrance and held out her car keys. She couldn’t trust herself to speak.
He ignored her proffered hand. His eyes were dark. ‘No, thanks. I think I’ll walk.’
She didn’t say all the things she wanted to, like ‘Are you sure you’ll be all right?’ or ‘Thank you’ or ‘Take care’. Nick was who he was. A grown man with the right to make his own decisions, however much she didn’t agree with, or understand, them.
She nodded and before she realised what she was going to do she stood on tiptoe and kissed him full on the mouth.
CHAPTER TEN
LATER THAT NIGHT Tiggy lay in bed, wondering if she was going completely crazy.
Hadn’t she spent the last six years trying to forget him? Yet here she was longing for him with every damn cell in her body. How sad, pathetic and weak was that?
The wind whispered in the trees outside and she shivered. She got up to close the window and that’s when she heard it. A cry, a shout?
It was coming from Nick’s room.
She was in his room, kneeling by his bed, before she had time to think.
His naked limbs were tangled in the sheets and he was thrashing wildly, the sweat running down his forehead. She’d witnessed his nightmares before but never like this. Had she been right to worry all along? Was this a sign of the shrapnel moving in his spine? And, if so, could his uncontrolled movements shift the shrapnel and do more damage?
She placed a hand against his damp forehead and pushed the hair from his eyes. ‘Shh, Nick. It’s me, Tiggy. Everything’s all right.’
She tried to press him gently back down onto the mattress but, still in the throes of his nightmare, he pushed her away. ‘No! Go! You have to get away!’
Unable to bear seeing him like this, she lay down next to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. ‘Wake up, Nick. You’re safe now.’
His eyelids flickered. ‘Tiggy?’ He buried his face in her neck. ‘You’re really here?’
‘Yes, it’s me. You’ve been having a bad dream. But that’s all it is, a bad dream.’
When his eyes opened his pupils were large and unfocussed. Her heart banged against her ribs. Was it just a nightmare or was there something else going on?
‘Talk to me, Nick. Are you all right?’
‘Tiggy,’ he groaned, his voice thick, and as he gazed at her, his eyes regained focus and he whispered again. ‘My Tiggy.’
Relieved that whatever was tormenting him was receding, she laid her head on his chest. The heat of his body burned through the thin material of her camisole. Despite her terror for him, she was aware of every hard muscle against her. ‘Yes. It’s me,’ she said again. ‘I’m here.’
His hands moved in her hair. ‘I was dreaming... You were hurt. I was trying to save you... I couldn’t get to you.’
‘Shh,’ she soothed. ‘I’m safe. I’m here and I’m safe. You were having a nightmare. Go back to sleep now.’
His hands dropped to the curve of her waist, resting for a moment before moving on as if he needed to convince himself she was really beside him.
His touch sent shock waves of heat through her and, as she felt the familiar torturous ache of desire, she fought the urge to turn and press her body into his.
Tentatively his hand moved under her camisole and when she made no attempt to stop him he moved upwards to her breasts. Her nipples hardened under his exploring fingers and she moaned softly. His breathing was as ragged as hers as he pulled her against him. ‘God, Tiggy, you’re so beautiful.’
Her treacherous body melted into his. She knew, of course she knew, that she should unwrap his arms from around her and walk away, but she could no more do that than fly to the moon. Every fibre of her body ached for him. But more than that she wanted to comfort him, ease his mental anguish. He was facing a future where he could be paralysed, if he survived.
Immediately, she pushed the thought away. She mustn’t think like that.
But one night. What could one last night hurt?
‘Are you sure, Tiggy?’ he murmured into her hair. ‘Because if you don’t stop me now...’
She arched her body into his and lifted her face. ‘I’m sure,’ she whispered. If he rejected her now she didn’t know if she could bear it.
He brought his lips down and kissed her as if he was drowning and she was his salvation. She kissed him back, inhaling the familiar scent of him, soap and spice, revelling in the taste of him, the hardness of his lips.
His hands slipped further down her back until he was cupping her bottom. Apart from her camisole she was only wearing panties, and using his thumbs he quickly divested her of those.
As his weight shifted on the bed and he rose over her, a shaft of moonlight settled on his scars. She put a hand to his chest. ‘Wait, Nick.’
With a groan of dismay he jerked away from her and sank back on the bed. But she bent over him removing the arm he’d flung across his eyes. ‘Your injury. We need to be careful. Take it gently.’
He looked at her, his expression fathomless. Black diamonds, she thought as she covered his body with her own. ‘Stay still. Let me.’
As they moved together in a slow and gentle dance, it was everything she remembered and more. Every time he tried to take control she would stop him with a kiss until he was content to match her careful rhythm. After they climaxed, crying out in unison, she sank into him and he held her, stroking her hair until she fell asleep.
* * *
The next morning Tiggy crept out of bed, careful not to wake Nick. She’d be driving him to
the hospital later for his pre-op assessment, and after last night she wanted him to get as much rest as possible.
As she made some coffee she hummed. She blushed every time she thought about the passion they’d shared. It was as if they’d never been apart from each other. No, that was wrong, it was just like when they’d first started sleeping together. That same desperate need, the same instinctive understanding of what each other’s bodies craved...that same mind-blowing release.
Maybe they could get back together, maybe they could put the past behind them, and once Nick had recovered from his operation...start all over again? This time she would make him talk to her. Perhaps, in a few months, discuss having a baby.
Whoa! She was getting way ahead of herself. Nothing, essentially, had really changed.
She placed two mugs on a tray while she waited for the coffee to percolate.
It wouldn’t be easy. Nick might have mellowed but he was still the challenging, complicated man he’d always been. She wouldn’t love him the way she did if he wasn’t.
She still loved him.
Of course she did.
She’d never, not even for a single second, stopped. She’d been mad at him, almost hated him at times, but she’d never stopped loving him.
And she never would. She was bound to Nick for all her life. No question. Child or no child, life-threatening condition or not, he was the missing part of her soul. Was there some way they could find their way back to each other again?
She picked up the tray and walked to his room. The bed was empty and Nick, dressed once more in his jeans, was looking out of the window. She couldn’t help the thrill of desire that ran up her spine when her eyes came to rest at the small dent at the base of his spine. Only hours before she’d been kissing him just there, knowing it always drove him crazy. And she had every intention of doing it again.
‘Nick?’ she said. ‘I thought I’d bring you coffee in bed, but I see—’
