by Anne Fraser
A burning cinder from the logs fell on the floor and Nick paused to pick it up and throw it back on the fire. Outside the rain was beating against the windows.
‘When they stopped sending me out with the men on patrol, I resented it, although I knew they were right to keep the most senior doctors based at camp.’
He shook his head again. It was almost as if he was talking to himself and had forgotten she was even there. She wanted to reach out to him, to run her hands across his face, to pull him towards her to take his pain into her, but she stayed still, almost scared to breathe lest she stop him talking.
‘Then the Taliban started using IEDs. The injuries were horrific. Worse, far worse than anything we’d seen before. Sometimes there was nothing left to save.’
He glanced up at her. ‘Are you sure you want to hear this?’ he repeated.
Tiggy nodded.
‘I had to shut down my mind to do what I needed to do. I stopped thinking that the war was just. I simply wanted us all to get the hell out of there and for the carnage to stop. But in the meantime I had to stay. I saw them, you know—the new recruits as they arrived. Some of them boys still.
‘When I came home on leave I couldn’t relax. I felt guilty every moment I was away from there. Every time I closed my eyes I would imagine a soldier being brought in, needing my help. And I wasn’t there.’
‘What about the other doctors and nurses—just as experienced and dedicated as you? It wasn’t as if you were abandoning the men. And you needed time off.’
He smiled ruefully. ‘I know, at least in my head I knew, but I didn’t really believe it. I guess I had started to believe in my own myth. That if I was there, I could save more men.’
‘They always did believe you were some kind of lucky talisman.’
‘Rightly or wrongly, I began to resent every minute I wasn’t at the camp. Being home, being with you, no longer felt real. It was as if I was playing a part in a kind of charade.’
‘That’s what our marriage was to you?’
‘It wasn’t you. It was never you. I realised I was causing you pain, I saw it in your eyes every time I looked at you. And when you started talking about babies and my leaving the army...’ He rubbed his hand across his face. ‘I couldn’t do it. I knew you needed me but I believed the men needed me more. I had to choose.’
‘You could have talked to me. Tried to explain. I loved you, Nick. I wouldn’t have put you under more pressure.’
‘You have to understand, Tiggy, none of this was clear in my head at that time. It was only later—after I was injured the first time—that I began to make some kind of sense of it. Even to myself.
‘That’s when I came looking for you. It had been four years since we’d separated, but I had to see you.’
‘When you saw me with the twins?’
‘Yes. I wanted to explain, apologise, I guess, for marrying you, letting you love me...’ He shook his head again. ‘I don’t know what I expected. All I knew was that I needed to see you.’
‘But you changed your mind and left?’
‘After I rang the doorbell and there was no reply, I began to doubt you were even still living here, in which case I was planning to phone Charlie for your address. I was about to do that when you arrived. You were laughing as you got out of the car. You looked so beautiful, you took my breath away.’
‘Go on,’ she said quietly.
‘I was watching you, drinking in the sight of you and cursing myself for letting you go. You went around to the boot and took out a pushchair. Then you reached out and took a baby from the back seat. And another one from the other side.’
‘The twins,’ Tiggy said.
‘Yes. Melody and Chrissie. I know that now. But that day I thought they were yours. I thought you had found everything you’d ever wanted. Everything you deserved.’ He rubbed a hand across his eyes.
‘You looked so happy. I knew then I’d been hoping that somehow, despite everything, you’d be waiting for me.’
‘I shouldn’t have left. I should have tried harder to get you to talk to me. But when you told me you’d signed up for another tour, I thought...’ Her voice hitched. ‘I thought you’d fallen out of love with me. How could I have believed otherwise?’
‘I never fell out of love with you. But, yes, when you left, it was almost a relief. It meant I could return to Afghanistan without feeling guilty.’
Tiggy uncurled herself and crossed over to him. She sat on his lap and when he made to pull away from her she wrapped her arms around his neck. ‘I don’t want to talk any more. I don’t want to think about the past—or the future.’ She tugged his head down towards hers. ‘I think it’s time you kissed me.’
* * *
If sex had been good between them before, this time it was mind-blowing. It was if all the pain and longing Tiggy had felt over the years was poured into their lovemaking. When they’d finished they lay in each other’s arms, not talking. What more was there to say? But for the first time since Nick had left, Tiggy felt whole again.
After a while they made love once more, slowly this time, savouring one another. Tiggy kissed every scar, memorising the feel of his body that was at once familiar but at the same time so very different. She wasn’t going to think about the past or the future. All she wanted right at this moment was to be exactly where she was.
* * *
The next morning Tiggy lay in bed, listening to the clatter of Nick in the kitchen. He was whistling a tune she didn’t recognise but he sounded happy.
As was she. It didn’t matter that there was still so much that was unresolved between them. She now knew in her heart that Nick had never stopped loving her. The future was uncertain; she wasn’t even sure that they could find a way back together, and she’d be risking her heart all over again, but it was too late. She loved him, and he loved her. Surely that was the most important thing? And this time they would talk. There would be no more secrets.
Nick came into the room, carrying a tray. She smiled slowly when she saw that he was naked apart from the towel wrapped around his waist. She sat up, letting the sheet fall from her body. He placed the tray on the bedside table and grinned slowly. ‘I guess coffee can wait, huh?’
* * *
The next few days were among the happiest Tiggy had known. They spent most of the time in bed, rediscovering each other’s bodies. Neither of them talked about the future.
When they weren’t in bed, they went for short runs together. This time it was Tiggy who ran backwards, teasing Nick about his inability to keep up. However, every day he was getting stronger. His limp had all but disappeared and his body was once more hard and muscled. In the evenings they took turns cooking and she showed Nick how to make omelettes and other simple dishes. Afterwards they would feed each other, prolonging the moment until they fell, laughing, into bed.
But of course it couldn’t continue. This morning, the third time this week, she leaned over the sink hanging onto the edge for dear life before she was sick again. She could no longer even try to put it down to food poisoning. But that didn’t mean she was pregnant.
She’d only had unprotected sex with Nick once, the first time, and since then they’d been careful to use contraception. Surely she couldn’t have fallen pregnant?
Now, where had she heard that sort of denial before? Once was all it took. But her period could simply be late—stress and worry could do that, couldn’t it?
She rinsed her face with cold water and sighed. Who was she trying to kid? Late periods were a pretty good indicator on their own, but put together with morning sickness...well, she’d have to have lost every ounce of common sense to deny the obvious. She was probably pregnant.
Pregnant. A tiny little baby was growing inside her. After thinking that motherhood might never be on the cards for her.
Nick’s baby.
Nick, a father, whether he wanted to be or not.
Or not. Who was she kidding? Nick hadn’t wanted to be a father six ye
ars ago. He had walked away from her then and she didn’t know for sure that he’d wouldn’t be walking away from her again. As soon as he was fit enough to pass his medical.
And although she loved him, although she would have given everything to have him around to be the father of her child, she wouldn’t—couldn’t—bear him to stay for the wrong reasons.
Which he would.
Tiggy washed her face and picked up her toothbrush. She almost didn’t recognise the wild woman with burning eyes in the mirror. She smiled. Only a few weeks ago her life had been settled, a little bit boring perhaps but peaceful. Now she was reminded of those heady days in Afghanistan when she’d never felt more alive, and however Nick felt about being a father wouldn’t change anything. She was going to have this baby.
But if she told him, would he feel trapped? Would he stay out of some misplaced sense of duty, something Nick did so well?
It wasn’t as if she couldn’t cope without him. Mum would help and her job paid well enough.
But she was getting ahead of herself. First things first. She had to know for sure if she was pregnant.
Then she would decide what, or if, to tell Nick.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
FINALLY IT WAS time for Nick to return to the hospital for an appointment with the physio, followed by a check-up with the medical team. If they were happy with his progress he would go through a full army medical in a couple of weeks’ time and a decision would be made on whether or not he was fit to remain in the army—and if he could continue in emergency medicine.
Tiggy had no doubt what the answer would be, but she refused to think about what would happen after that. Having had a week off, it was time for her to go back to work. Nick had insisted that he didn’t need her to come with him to the hospital.
It was late afternoon and she’d just returned home after her early shift when the doorbell rang. At first Tiggy assumed that it was Nick, but when she opened the door it was to find a young, attractive woman she didn’t recognise standing on the doorstep.
‘Can I help?’ she asked. Perhaps she was looking for directions?
The woman bit her lip.
‘Does a Nick Casey still live here?’ she asked.
Tiggy froze. All at once all the old insecurities returned. God in heaven, was this one of Nick’s girlfriends? If so, she was so young—at least half his age. A chill crept up her spine, to be replaced with an anger she hadn’t known she was even capable of feeling.
‘No,’ Tiggy replied abruptly. ‘Not for some time anyway.’
The rain was falling in a relentless sheet, soaking the woman. She didn’t even seem to have an umbrella with her. Whoever she was, Tiggy couldn’t leave her on the step. Besides, whatever the woman wanted with Nick, she had to know.
‘Why don’t you come in?’
‘I don’t want to disturb you.’ The accent was American.
‘Come in for a moment. At least to get dry.’
The woman hesitated for a few moments longer. Then she smiled. Instantly it lit up her face. She really was quite beautiful. ‘If you’re sure I’m not disturbing you?’
When her surprise guest was seated, Tiggy sat down opposite her. She decided to get straight to the point. ‘How do you know Nick?’
‘I don’t really know him at all.’
‘Oh?’
‘He’s my father.’
Tiggy was stunned. Whatever she’d expected, it hadn’t been this. Nick had a daughter! A grown-up daughter. Why had he never said? Thoughts tumbled around her head. How could he have kept this from her?
‘Nick is your father?’ she said stupidly.
‘Yes. At least, I think he is.’ The girl took a photograph from her handbag and passed it to Tiggy. ‘Is this him?’
It was definitely Nick. A much younger Nick but him nevertheless. She would have recognised those brown eyes and wide grin anywhere.
He wasn’t alone in the photo. Next to him was a girl with brown hair and shining eyes, who was staring up at him lovingly.
‘The woman?’ Tiggy asked, her throat as dry as dust.
‘My mother.’
Tiggy jumped to her feet. ‘I’ll just make some tea, shall I?’ She needed a few moments alone to gather her thoughts. Nick had been seriously involved with someone before her, someone who had clearly adored him and with whom he’d had a child. How could he not have told her? What else had he kept from her? Was the woman in the photo, this girl, the real reason he’d left her six years ago? Had everything he’d told her been lies? She felt sick.
When she was satisfied she had her emotions under control, she returned to the sitting room. The girl leaped from the chair. ‘I’m sorry. I haven’t even told you my name. I’m Kate.’
‘Hello, Kate. I’m Tiggy. Perhaps you should start from the beginning.’
For a second tears shimmered in Kate’s eyes. Then she took a shuddering breath.
‘I never knew my father. Mom would never talk about him. She died a month ago.’
Instinctively, Tiggy reached for her hand. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘When I was going through her things I found that photo. I knew it had to be important to Mom. I asked around, but no one seemed to know who he was. All I could find out was that Mom had met a Brit when he was over on holiday, and by the time he’d left, she was pregnant.’
Nick was already a father. She couldn’t get her head around what Kate was telling her.
‘And now to get all the way here—to track him down to this address, only to find he’s not here... I’ll have to start looking for him all over again.’
Of course, Kate wouldn’t have a clue that Nick had been in hospital.
Tiggy smiled grimly. Nick was going to get quite a shock. For whatever reason he’d kept his daughter a secret, there was no doubt he was going to come face to face with her.
‘Your father is at the hospital. He’s okay,’ she added quickly, seeing the alarm in Kate’s eyes. ‘I mean, he’s sort of okay. Look, I’d better tell you the whole story.’
By the time Tiggy had finished explaining it was almost dark.
‘I need to see him,’ Kate said.
‘I’m bringing him back here tomorrow,’ Tiggy said. ‘Perhaps you should wait until then?’
But Kate was already gathering her bag, a determined look on her face. ‘I’ve waited a long time to meet him. I don’t want to wait any longer.’
‘In that case, of course, I’ll take you there.’
Tiggy left Kate at the hospital and sat in her car, watching the rain pour down the windscreen.
She was still reeling. Nick had a daughter and he was about to have another child. She couldn’t begin to imagine how the news would affect a man who didn’t want children.
She had been planning to tell him about the baby tonight, but now it would have to wait.
So she wouldn’t tell him. At least not yet. Not until she had to.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
WHEN THE DOORBELL rang, Tiggy opened the door to find Nick standing there. He looked as if he had been caught up in an earthquake.
The rain was still falling steadily, his hair was plastered to his head and his eyes were wild.
‘Why haven’t you been answering my phone calls?’ he said, stepping into the hall. ‘I was worried about you.’
She stood aside to let him pass. ‘Come in. You don’t have to worry about me—ever. And I’m sure the internet has a list of good hotels.’
‘I thought I was staying here?’ he said, shocked.
‘I’ve decided that’s not a good idea.’
Puzzled, he took her by the shoulders. ‘What is it, Tiggy?’
‘You didn’t think you should have told me you had a daughter?’
‘So that’s why you haven’t being taking my calls.’ He shook the rain from his hair like a dog who’d been for a swim. ‘Kate told me she’d been to see you. I realise it must have been a shock but I thought she’d explained...’
‘Explained what, exact
ly?’
‘Let’s sit down and talk,’ Nick said firmly, taking her by the hand and leading her into the sitting room.
‘I’m all ears, Nick,’ Tiggy said grimly. ‘But, believe me, this is going to take some explaining. You have a child and you didn’t think I should know?’
‘I didn’t know myself.’ Nick looked at her in astonishment. Could it be he’d really had no idea he was a father? ‘You don’t think I would have kept that from you? You don’t think I would have had a daughter and deliberately excluded her from my life?’
‘How would I know? You kept everything else from me.’ She wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily. It was as if all the trust she’d being allowing herself to feel over the last week or so had been washed away like a pile of sticks in a flood.
‘I swear to you I had no idea,’ Nick said, sitting down next to her. He cupped her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. ‘Her mother never told me she was pregnant. It was a brief fling—I was only eighteen.’
Could she believe him? She desperately wanted to. But he’d kept so much from her.
‘So what are you going to do now?’
‘I don’t know.’ Suddenly he smiled. ‘She’s quite a girl. I think I’m going to enjoy having her around. If I can persuade her to stay for a while, that is.’ He reached out for her. ‘I missed you.’
She pulled away. ‘I’m sorry, Nick. I don’t know what we’ve been doing these last weeks but it can’t last. Too much has happened. We can’t turn the clocks back and pretend that we don’t have a past.’
‘Forget the past. Isn’t it time we started talking about the future? The doctors gave me the all-clear. As far as they’re concerned I’m fit for work. Now everything’s back to normal, we can start thinking about having a life together again.’
She turned away from him. ‘I don’t think that’s possible. I don’t think I can ever trust you again. I’ll always be wondering what you’re not telling me.’
‘Then let’s not think about the future. Let’s take it one day at a time.’
‘I can’t. I’m sorry, Nick. I just can’t.’
