“What?” I asked.
“It probably doesn’t make a difference, but I didn’t know he was your father until it was too late.” He looked up at me waiting for my reaction.
“What made you stop interacting with him?” I asked, keeping my distance, staring straight ahead rather than at him.
“You,” he replied. “The entire time I was learning about the dark arts, I kept thinking of you, and if you’d ever give me a chance if that was the path I followed. If I lost you before I’d even gotten the honor to have you, my world wouldn’t be worth living, and that’s what I told myself every day when I was contemplating staying with black magic. I told your father the conflict I was feeling. He thought I was young and foolish, and he told me that he had to make a choice once, and the dark side won.” He stopped to take a deep breath. “That’s when I started to make the connection. I didn’t know it was your father until I was ready to quit. Unfortunately, I was already practicing and under his tutelage before I figured it out.” His eyes were blazing with anger.
“Wow,” I sighed. “Things just keep getting worse.”
“Does your mom know?” I whispered.
“Hardly. I’m sure there are some things that have happened recently that have made her wonder about things, but as far as your father teaching me? No.” He shook his head.
I sat in silence trying to figure out how to spin this into a positive. Maybe this could work in our favor, or maybe I was being naïve. I started shivering from the breeze that began whipping its way into the house. Logan jumped up and started toward the front door.
“I’ll get a fire started. We’ll need it for the evening anyhow,” he mumbled, completely at a loss, and left closing the door behind him.
“Thanks,” I replied, still staring into oblivion and completely in a daze that I wasn’t sure I could shake this time. Thinking back to the night before, I was thankful I hadn’t uttered any words to him that I couldn’t have taken back.
***
The fire that Logan built earlier was roaring, and it was doing a great job of heating up our tiny cottage, but the heat wasn’t connecting with my bones. Since the moment he spoke those words, I’d been stuck in a frigid ice storm of my own making. I was still in a fog full of confusion and hurt, but somehow managed to cook chicken and rice for our dinner.
I wasn’t sure how sitting across from Logan at dinner was going to work. I managed to avoid almost all eye contact with him, and nothing came to my mind to say to him, so Logan took the hint and seemed to be hiding out in his room.
I felt awful. It wasn’t that I was furious with him for contacting my father. He had no way of knowing who he was, and I couldn’t even tell if I was angry with him for hiding it from me. I almost wished I didn’t know, so how could I be mad at him for forcing something out of him that he didn’t want to tell me anyway, and then turn it around and be miffed because he didn’t tell me right away? Why would telling me something like that within forty-eight hours versus a month make a difference? It shouldn’t. It’s not like he could tell me something like that on day two or was I just making excuses because I was beginning to like him so much?
Since Logan arrived back in my life, I felt sane, protected, and even a small amount of happiness had been allowed to trickle back into my world. I didn’t want to lose that feeling. I didn’t want to lose Logan period, and I felt like I was on the edge. I think what was bothering me more than anything was what my father said to him about choosing between love and black magic. It wasn’t even so much about me and my mom that hurt me or worried me, because my father had obviously made his decision long ago, it was that Logan asked the question. What scared me was if I allowed myself to fall in love with Logan, only to have him realize the same thing as my father did, that the pull to black magic was too strong, and he decided to choose black magic. I know I wouldn’t be able to follow him to that world, and the thought of losing him was crushing. It was better not to have him in the first place.
The rice cooker clicked signaling that dinner was ready; I only hoped I was. I placed the silverware on the table and walked toward Logan’s room. I gently tapped on the door, waiting for a reply.
“Come in,” he replied softly.
I opened the door to see Logan sitting in a chair by the window reading. He didn’t look up, and I didn’t blame him.
“Dinner’s ready,” I said lightly.
“Thanks, Triss. I’ll be right out,” he replied, glancing quickly at me. Something had changed slightly with him. His eyes looked a little red, and he seemed dismissive, even more so than I would have predicted under the circumstances.
“Okay,” my voice overly sweet as I backed out of the room.
I felt a lump beginning to form in my throat, and I was relieved my voice didn’t catch when I responded to him. My feelings for him had already taken over, and it was going to be a lot harder to lie to him or myself about it, but I was going to try if for nothing more than survival’s sake. Thinking back to what that stranger-turned-predator said in my house about some people not making it, I wanted to be sure that I’d proven him wrong, even if that meant shutting off potential problems before they even started. Unfortunately, for him, he dabbled where he shouldn’t have, and now he wasn’t a worry for me any longer. But his words still haunted me. I pushed the feelings away that were trying to roll into my mind about last night’s events—one thing at a time.
I sat down at the table and watched Logan come out of his room, shoving his dark hair back from his face, staring at the floor while he walked into the kitchen to join me for dinner. He had put on a sweatshirt even though it was plenty warm in the house, unless he was suffering from the same problems as I.
“It’s nothing fancy. I wasn’t really that into cooking by the time I got around to it,” I muttered, pushing the chicken toward him.
“Looks great to me,” his voice polite, treating me almost like a stranger.
The knot in my stomach began twisting tighter as the minutes of silence passed by while we filled our plates. He was sitting directly across from me, and I had nothing to say. I didn’t know where to begin, and I was beginning to get the feeling neither did he.
The fire was crackling and popping, and a few hours ago, it would have seemed romantic. How things can change in a blink of an eye. I should have learned that by now.
Logan was pushing around the rice on his plate. I reached for my glass of water when Logan looked up and caught my glance.
“The daisies are beautiful, Triss,” he said to break the silence, nodding at the arrangement I’d made for the table.
“Thank you,” I replied, not sure what else to say.
His reference to the daisies pulled at me a little. I wondered if he was trying to send me a hidden message like he did earlier. On the other hand, the flowers on the table were daisies. My chicken and rice looked less appetizing by the second. My mind started rewinding to all the times he had held me or innocently kissed me, or not so innocently kissed me, and all the excitement that would build by merely being near him. I wondered now if those moments were the only ones I’d ever get to experience with him.
“Is there anything I can do to make things better?” he asked. His voice was full of tension and it shocked me out of my slump.
His eyes were cutting through me. I wanted to run over and throw my arms around him and tell him I was fine and that nothing mattered, but I didn’t know if that was true.
“I don’t know,” I replied sullenly, looking him directly in his eyes, feeling the charge of emotions running through me. I pushed my plate away and put my elbows on the table, resting my chin on my hands staring at him for as long as it took. Now was not the time for me to hold anything in.
“I never expected you to drop that kind of bomb,” I whispered, forcing myself to keep my gaze steady. He didn’t seem to be experiencing the same problem as I was. He was looking directly at me, his stare crushing.
“I’m sorry. The more you pressed and the more
time that went by made me realize it was only going to get worse. I guess I wanted to deal with the repercussions before things had a chance to get too serious, not that they would,” his voice strained. “I never meant to hurt you. If I had known he was your father, I never would have contacted him.” He was almost pleading with me, and my heart was on the verge of shattering. But if I didn’t ever let him in then it couldn’t shatter. I had to keep the walls up.
I let myself close my eyes, and I felt the liquid running down the inside of my lids. Taking a deep breath in, I decided to do something unconventional for me. I was going to tell him exactly how I felt.
“Do you know what scares me about this entire thing?” I asked, moving my hands from my face. “I’ve been thinking about it for hours.”
He shook his head, his lips pursed.
“It’s not that you contacted my father and trained with him. It’s not that my father might have known about your connection to me,” I paused, taking in a deep breath. “It’s not even that you kept that information from me for so long. What scares me is that after you told me everything, the first thing that came to my mind was the thought of losing you.”
“Losing me? How?” His deep blue eyes were probing mine with such intensity it was hard to concentrate.
“My father made the choice to leave us. I’m afraid you might too,” I said, quickly looking away. “The pull to the other side seems extreme. It’s something that I can’t understand, but you’ve experienced it.”
Logan pushed his chair back with a crash and darted to my side. Kneeling next to me, he pulled my chin gently toward him so that I couldn’t wriggle out of looking at him.
“I’m not going anywhere. I chose correctly, Triss. Your father was the fool, not I,” he murmured, his eyes blazing. “I don’t know what I can do to prove to you that I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you. I have to hope that my actions speak louder than words,” his lips perked up a little in the smug expression I adored and for some reason it made me feel a little better.
“You seemed so distant earlier,” I uttered. “That scared me too.”
“I didn’t mean to be distant. I was thinking about a lot of things not the least of which was being so upset with myself for going down that path of black magic in the first place,” he sighed. “If I never did that, then none of this would even be up for discussion.”
“True, but I probably would’ve been kidnapped or destroyed at the ceremony, so you have your uses,” I grinned slightly.
“Oh, Triss,” he replied, pulling me into him. He placed his lips on top my head, kissing me softly. Finally, my body was beginning to warm up, or maybe it was my heart. I moved my head away from his lips and nuzzled into the perfect spot between his neck and shoulder and was quite satisfied, but then his arms scooped me up from my seat bringing me close to him as he stood up and walked over to the couch.
“I think you’ve been through enough in your short adult life,” he murmured, placing me down on the couch, “to let someone take care of you for a change, at least for tonight.”
The butterflies in my stomach were working overtime as he leaned down to get me situated, and I reprimanded myself for doubting his loyalties. Not all men had to be like my father. Logan stood back up, and I grabbed the seam of his shirt, not wanting him to leave my side.
“Wait. I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t hurt you,” I said, not letting go of his shirt.
“It would take a lot more than that to hurt me, Triss,” he smiled. “I’m pretty tough.”
“That you are,” I teased, undoing my grip from his shirt.
He rounded up some of the candles I had set around on the different counters, and he brought them over to the coffee table spreading them out in a straight line. He bent down, lighting them all and stared at me through the flames, ensuring I wouldn’t look away.
“Would you like some tea?” he asked.
“I would love some tea.”
“Did you want me to bring over your dinner?” he questioned, as he walked toward the kitchen.
“I’m okay. I don’t really have much of an appetite.”
“That’s a shame because it was quite good,” he said, putting the kettle on the stove. “I’m going to finish mine really quickly while the water heats up.”
I started laughing.
“It’s okay to take time to eat your meal, Logan. You don’t have to hurry.”
“I’ve got my reasons,” he replied.
Once more the thrill began moving through my body at an unstoppable pace. There was something about him, even across the room, which made me want to connect with him on so many levels that I’d never explored before with anyone.
The teakettle began whistling, and he dumped his plate in the sink on his way to turn off the stove.
“Wow, you scarfed that down,” I chuckled.
“Like I said, I’ve got more important things to attend to,” he replied, and the flutter deep inside returned.
“Like?” I asked, just wanting to hear it, needing to hear it.
“You,” his wicked grin returning, knowing full well what I was up to.
Bringing me over the tea, he set it on the table and sat down at the end of the couch. He placed his hand on my ankle, his touch producing an urge I kept at bay.
I looked at the fire, the candles, and Logan. This would be my perfect night, if I was in another world, and none of these other things had happened. If my mom was at home, visiting with Ellsy and my aunt, I’d be able to let myself relax fully and enjoy Logan’s company, but I couldn’t. I felt his desperate gaze on me, and I looked up to see his lips partly open, and my mind immediately thought of the last kiss we shared, and I wondered when I’d ever be allowed to have a moment of peace instead of the constant conflict running through my brain. Logan, not missing anything about me, lifted his hand off my ankle and covered it up with a blanket.
“What’s up?” he asked, probably not wanting to know since we barely ended our last discussion that went south.
“The problem is that when I’m around you, I don’t think straight, and I can’t afford not to be on my game while I try to get my mom back,” I whispered, letting the stone walls build themselves back up around my heart.
“I understand,” he replied, his hand somehow managing to lightly touch the one exposed area on my leg.
“You do?”
He nodded, looking deep into my eyes, stirring up the emotions I just tried to rid myself of. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in and refocusing my thoughts. His hand left my skin, and I opened my eyes not really wanting him to stop touching me.
His lip tugged slightly. He knew that I wanted him.
“I also understand that what you think is causing your distraction probably isn’t, but there’s nothing I can do about it until the time is right,” he uttered.
“How so?” I asked, wondering where he was going with his latest analysis.
“I think what is causing your distraction more than anything, isn’t me. Rather, it’s that you spend so much time internally fighting the idea of us. If you let things happen naturally there probably wouldn’t be much struggle at all. Things would fall into place or they wouldn’t,” he replied, his eyes shining.
His lips slowly parted as if he was about to say something more, but they closed as he thought better of it.
“You know me pretty well,” I whispered, not completely wanting to admit how accurate he was.
“We’ve known each other for eighteen years, Triss. It was just the last couple where you got a little distant. I didn’t, but you did,” he laughed, making me feel more at ease, as I thought about the idea of not fighting every emotion that washed through me regarding him.
“I think we need to start going through everything you managed to get from the library,” he said, “but not until you’ve had a good night’s sleep. I know I need one after last night.”
“I think I want to sleep on the couch so I’m near the fire,” I said, hoping he w
ould as well.
“I’ll sleep out here too,” he replied, eyeing the chair. I closed my eyes listening to the crackle of the fire, smelling the mixture of wood smoke and the herbs I had set out hours earlier, finally beginning to relax. Before I knew it, I fell fast asleep, dreaming dreams that seemed impossible to obtain, but crucial for my sanity.
***
Logan was already at the kitchen table, looking through many of the images I had managed to scan from the library. It was another beautiful mountain day, with the sunshine streaming in through the windows and lifting my spirits. Logan looked like he had taken several pages of notes already. It seemed like weeks had passed since I was snooping around in the coven’s library, but it had only been days. When we were last in town picking up a few supplies, Logan had put out a few calls based on some of the information we found, and we needed to go back to town so he could call them back and see if anything surfaced. That was today’s task. It was kind of nice being where cell service was sketchy. It gave me time to regroup without constant texts and messages.
“How’s it going?” I asked, sitting down next to him.
“You know the Saranac Lake plane ticket?” he asked. “Well, I’m guessing you didn’t know that both of your parents had family there at some point. Looks like your dad had grandparents who were born around that area. Actually, all of your dad’s family was from upstate New York before they moved out west. Your mom also seemed to have a few great-great aunts out there.
“Look at this,” he pointed at one of the pages that showed some of the genealogy listing where family members were born.
“I wonder what’s there now that would involve my mom,” I said, wondering if my father might be living there but not wanting to say.
“I think we’re getting closer, Triss. I really do,” he replied, grabbing my hand.
“I’m starting to become really frightened that my mom left not wanting to be found,” I whispered softly, my head starting to feel fuzzy.
Witch Avenue Series (The Complete Set) Page 18
