Bina nodded. Then she wiped her eyes. ‘But he was so very, very good in bed.’ Bina blushed. And Kate felt her own face color because she realized what the other feeling was. She was envious.
Kate left the shower before Brice and Elliot. She was too despondent to take the subway so, as an indulgence, she looked for a taxi. It wasn’t easy in Brooklyn – another reason to stay in Manhattan, Kate reflected sourly. But at last she flagged down an off-duty taxi who was merely avoiding a fare that would take him deeper into Brooklyn.
Kate sat in the back seat, grateful for the time alone. Though she loved both Brice and Elliot she simply wasn’t up for their chatter. She had a lot of thinking to do and though she had put off dealing with her reality until now, she would have to come to terms with it. What was it that she really wanted? Of course, that was easy to answer: a perfect life with a rewarding job, a loving, dependable and passionate husband, healthy children and good friends. Good fucking luck, she told herself. She couldn’t see any indications that her future would promise all of the above. If you got one part you wouldn’t get the other. Yet Kate had promised herself for all these years that she wouldn’t compromise.
As they crossed the Brooklyn Bridge, she stared at the city. The skyline, as always, moved her deeply. But now she had to admit that she was even more deeply moved by Bina’s revelation. How could she go on with Michael when she felt such a draw to someone as useless as Billy Nolan? His behavior with Bina had only further convinced her of his heartlessness, and the fact that a part of her – not the good part – still desired him was shameful. One thing she was certain of, she wouldn’t become confused and reassess Steven’s actions in light of Billy’s. What did it matter which of them was worse? Kate looked out the taxi window and wished that she could forever stay suspended on the bridge between the two boroughs in her life.
31
Kate sat at a window table in the Chelsea Kitchen and played with her fork, laying it down, picking it up, tapping the bottom and then touching the tines to her water glass, her plate, and even the folded napkin. She was uncomfortable in the restaurant but she had decided that she would do this in a public place. That’s what men do, she thought, and remembered Steven. Probably it was because they were afraid of scenes. Kate knew that wasn’t a realistic threat with Michael, but she couldn’t imagine having this talk and then moving through his apartment on her way to the door or, worse, asking him to leave her own place.
Since the afternoon of the shower Kate had known with blinding clarity that Michael was not for her. She’d talked it over with Elliot who must have told Brice. She’d also told Bina who must have told Mrs Horowitz and Bev, who surely told everybody. It seemed cruel that only Michael himself didn’t know.
Beside her on the floor was a Big Brown Bag from Bloomingdale’s. When she forced herself to put down the fork she used the same hand to check again that the bag was there – as if anyone would want to steal second-hand folded shorts and athletic socks, a razor, half-used-up toiletries and an old tie Michael had left behind at her house. She wiped her palms on the napkin, surprised to find how sweaty they were. The truth was that Kate had little experience in being the initiator of a break-up.
When the waiter came over she asked for vodka on the rocks. She didn’t usually drink hard liquor, and when she did it was usually a Cosmopolitan, a drink that had come in and gone out of fashion but one she liked. Today, however, she needed a jolt of something. She remembered a phrase her father used to use – ‘Dutch courage’ – and for the first time she really appreciated what that meant. She did need courage, Dutch or otherwise.
When the waiter returned with her order she downed it in two long gulps with only a breath between them. She realized only then that she didn’t want Michael to see her drinking, and she also didn’t want him to smell alcohol on her breath. Why? That had always been a strained part of their relationship. Somehow, though he had never tried to intimidate her or force her to be different from how she was, Kate realized she had often walked on eggshells with Michael. She wondered now if she had ever really been herself with him. She wasn’t sure if it was his personality that had imposed restraints on her. Perhaps that wasn’t fair. Perhaps his academic credentials and his comfortable suburban background had created a sense of inferiority in her. Maybe they both had a classic fear of intimacy. But whatever it was, Kate knew there was something not right, something not fixable in it.
She waved to the waiter and handed him the evidence. ‘Can I get you another?’ he asked, no doubt taking her for a heavy drinker, but she shook her head. Then she picked up a piece of the garlic bread from the basket on the table. Better to smell of garlic than vodka. People mistakenly thought you couldn’t detect vodka on a person’s breath, but Kate always could – maybe because of her father.
She munched on the bread and looked out the window. In the late afternoon there weren’t many people on West Eighteenth Street. She wondered where the man with the red tips at the ends of his black hair was going, and whether the woman who looked like a real estate broker in her fake Chanel suit actually was one. Kate sighed. She’d probably never be able to afford to buy an apartment or to own her own home. As a couple it was difficult enough here in Manhattan. As a single person it was impossible.
She had no home of her own, no summer plans and soon she’d have no man in her life.
Kate’s thirty-second birthday was less than three months away. She hoped that Elliot, now that he seemed glued to the Bitches, wouldn’t decide on a stroke-inducing surprise party for her. After today she certainly wouldn’t be in the mood to celebrate.
Kate took a sip of her water and looked out at the traffic. It was a wet day and though the drizzle had stopped for the moment, it had put a sheen on the macadam, the trucks and taxis and even the sidewalks and the buildings across the way. She loved New York, Manhattan to be specific, and this simple silvery scene outside the restaurant window calmed her. How could Michael assume, without any discussion, that she would simply pick up and leave? What did it say about the rest of his presumptions, his innate arrogance and insensitivity? She’d never even been to Austin. Kate shook her head.
On the other hand, she could be completely crazy. Aside from the Arnies, Johnnies, Eddies and the rest of the Brooklyn world, it seemed there were no marriageable men. Rita and every other one of her Manhattan girlfriends complained about how the men here were players or neurotics or commitment-phobes. She thought back to Steven and the pain she had gone through after he left her. She wasn’t going to have this talk with Michael just because of her upcoming date with Steven. Steven was out of her life, although she couldn’t help feeling a bit of excitement, the old buzz, when she thought of a meeting with him. It would be nice to see him and feel nothing. She hoped she could manage it. She looked down and the fork in her hand was actually trembling. Could she hurt Michael like that? Could she bear to be alone, start dating again and risk ever being hurt that way again?
The waiter returned with a pitcher of water. Her glass was half empty, or half full. She supposed, as he poured out the water, that it was all in the eye of the beholder. If she discussed what she was about to do with Barbie, Bev or even Mrs Horowitz they would tell her she was crazy. Her glass was half full. Still, while she knew that Steven was dangerous and not for her, simply hearing from him had reminded her of how much she had felt for him when they were together. The disparity between that feeling and the pale echo of it that she felt for Michael frightened her. She just didn’t think that she could bear to go through life without stronger feelings for her companion.
Kate couldn’t suppress the surge of feeling she was experiencing not only from Steven’s call but also from the overwhelming envy she’d felt when Bina told her about her affair with Billy. Kate knew she couldn’t stay with Michael. It wasn’t even the way he had simply assumed she’d drop everything and follow him to Austin. It wasn’t the prissy way he walked or the rigidity he showed. Michael was a safe, dependable partner and, she ad
mitted to herself, he’d make a responsible father. But for someone else’s children, not hers.
Even if she was ruining her last chance of settling down, Kate couldn’t settle for him. She placed the fork she’d been holding back down in its proper place. She noticed a woman, possibly an au pair, walk by with a little girl who looked about four. They were both wearing yellow raincoats. Kate smiled and thought of the children she was working with at Andrew Country Day. Everything about her job, from her little office to Elliot down the hall, to the easy commute from home, to the children she worked with, seemed precious to her. Now, at the thought of losing it, she could feel just how precious it was. Even Mr McKay seemed loveable in his ridiculous way. And Michael believed it was nothing to her? Did he know her at all?
When Michael walked in Kate was still staring out the window and jumped when he put his hand on her shoulder. ‘I got caught in the rain,’ he said as he shook his umbrella and took the seat across from her.
Kate looked at him. His jaw was still strong, his nose was still regular, his eyes a warm brown. But Kate, as if a spell had been broken, no longer found him the slightest bit attractive. As he set his briefcase on the empty chair she wondered whether this kind of reversal had happened to Steven: whether one day he just looked at her and felt nothing but…a mild distaste. The idea made her skin crawl. The mixture of the drink and what she was about to have to do made her stomach and the rest of her feel creepy as well.
‘Would you like something to drink?’ Michael asked her and she managed a weak smile. She certainly wasn’t going to tell him that she’d already had plenty.
‘No, thank you,’ she told him soberly, though she wasn’t entirely sure that she was sober now.
The solicitous waiter appeared, unbidden, and Kate had to hope he didn’t blow her cover by asking if she wanted another vodka rocks. Not that it really mattered.
‘A cup of tea,’ Michael requested. ‘Earl Grey if you have it.’
‘Nothing for me,’ Kate said, and the statement seemed to be too true. After the waiter moved off, Michael looked out the window as Kate had been doing. ‘Well, we won’t have to put up with this kind of weather in Austin.’
‘Why?’ Kate asked. ‘Doesn’t it rain there?’ But she didn’t pursue it. Why be unpleasant? She didn’t know how to begin and so she just launched herself into her prepared speech. ‘Michael, I can’t go to Austin. First because I don’t want to; I like it here. Secondly, because you didn’t ask me. You assumed I would come with you. We had no discussion. It was as if you were granting me some kind of favor. You just thought I would jump at the chance.’
Michael blinked and put down the cup that he had halfway to his lips. Kate saw some of the tea splash over the lip and onto the tablecloth but Michael didn’t seem to notice. ‘Kate. Kate, I just felt…’
‘I’m not sure what you felt,’ Kate said. ‘But it isn’t what I felt. And you didn’t know it.’
Michael sat absolutely still and the table – no more than twenty-six inches wide – seemed to Kate to be expanding to tundra proportions. She could almost see Michael receding into the distance, his face blueish in the reflected light from the white cloth that stretched between them. ‘Kate, I never meant to be presumptuous. I just thought, well, I thought you wanted what I wanted.’
‘That may be true, but since we never actually spoke about what we wanted how was I to know?’ Michael sat still and looked at her as if he was seeing her for the first time. Perhaps, for all she knew, he was. Had she been guilty of trying too hard to please? Had she kept her feelings and fears from him? Somehow it didn’t seem to matter anymore. Even if Michael now told her he was willing to give up the Austin job and make a home with her here, Kate was no longer interested. Am I fickle? she thought. She couldn’t answer the question but she knew that a single life, alone and with no children, would be better than a half-life with Michael. And that was all it would ever be because, though he looked good on paper, Michael simply wasn’t the man for her.
‘Kate, I can’t tell you how floored I am by this. I mean, it’s coming out of nowhere. I’ve been busy making plans assuming…’
‘Never assume, Michael,’ Kate said. ‘Never presume. My life is just as important to me as yours is to you. I’m not sure you ever recognized that.’
‘Of course I did,’ Michael said. ‘But you could make new friends and set up a practice in Austin. You could visit back here whenever you wanted. And it’s not as if you have family here.’
‘Oh yes, I do,’ Kate said. She thought of Elliot, and Brice and Bina and the Horowitzes. Even the Bitches meant a lot to her. ‘They might not be DNA-related, but I have family all the same.’ She paused. ‘I don’t know whose fault it is, Michael; let’s not talk about fault and let’s not blame one another. It isn’t as if I’ve felt this way for months and withheld the knowledge from you. It’s just that once you told me about Austin and made your decision unilaterally, I guess I made mine. I’m very sorry.’ She reached her hand across the tablecloth to touch his but he pulled his own back, spilling the tea in the process. It spread, like a brown blot, across the pure white space between them. And for a moment she was reminded of the bowling alley and her spilled beer. ‘I’m sorry,’ she repeated, ‘because there’s nothing else to say.’ She stood up, holding the shopping bag. ‘Here are your things,’ she said. ‘If I’ve forgotten some of them, let me know.’
Oddly, she didn’t feel sad and she didn’t feel free. She felt nothing. Michael was still looking at her, his face torn between what looked like disbelief and anger. ‘Good luck in Austin,’ she said. And walked out of the restaurant and into the drizzle that had begun again.
Kate walked in the rain for a while, at least until she was wet enough to feel punished for hurting someone’s feelings. Then she tried to bring herself back around by taking out her cell phone. Although he hadn’t, there was always a chance that Steven would call. Of course, once she checked her messages she’d realized he hadn’t and knew that he wouldn’t but she would keep checking anyway.
Steven had hurt her, she had hurt Michael. The pain went around and around and it seemed insane. She felt she’d be miserable for the rest of her life but she couldn’t imagine Michael feeling too bad for too long, though. It wasn’t his style. The very reason she left him was because he didn’t feel things.
After about half an hour she found herself in front of the gym. She walked in in time to see Elliot just finishing up his cardio on the StairMaster. He was almost as wet as she was, but once he caught sight of her he was concerned. ‘What have you done? You’re supposed to take your clothes off before you shower.’ He took her over to one of the leather banquettes and took her sodden raincoat off her shoulders. ‘You’re wet right through,’ he said, and fussed for a few minutes with towels. When Kate’s wet hair had been wrapped in a turban and the towel hugged her neck, Elliot was ready for conversation.
‘I broke up with Michael,’ Kate said.
‘Good.’ Elliot nodded. Then he put his arm round her. ‘It was only a matter of time. And this saves you a ticket to Austin, which you could spend on a share in our house this summer.’
Kate, who had expected more surprise and a lot more sympathy, shook her head. ‘I don’t think being the only woman in a house full of gay men in Cherry Grove would be the thing for me right now.’
‘Oh, come on. You’d have more fun than you would with any of your straight boyfriends. When did Michael make you laugh the way Brice does? When did Steven ever make you laugh?’ Elliot stopped, leaned back against the banquette and Kate knew she was in trouble. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, his nose an inch away from hers. ‘You’re not still going to meet up with Steven, are you?’
And, of course, Kate was.
32
Kate expected nothing from the meeting with Steven but her pride made her primp. She was vain enough to want to look her best, and she put on extra mascara and French braided her hair. Steven had always liked it like that.
As she was leaving her apartment and pulling the door shut behind her, she stopped, intensely looking out into space, remembering too vividly the last time she’d seen Steven and the way they had parted at this door.
‘Forget something?’ Max asked from behind her.
She was startled and spun around. ‘Oh, no, just thinking is all. What’s up with you lately?’
‘Not much. How about you?’ He lounged against the hall wall.
Now was not the time to explain what she was doing or going to do, and Max certainly wasn’t the person she should spill to. ‘I’m actually going to be late for a meeting,’ she said and tried to step by him. Max wasn’t exactly a nuisance: he was a nice guy but she didn’t have time for him.
But Max wouldn’t let her go. He reached out and touched her arm. Again, she was startled by him. Since when did Max want to make small talk? He was usually wrapped up in Max. ‘I’ve heard from Jack again!’ he said, and shifted from foot to foot. ‘Or should I say I’ve gotten e-mails. He sent me more pictures.’
Kate sighed. It was bad news that didn’t have to be shared.
As if he could read her mind, Max then looked away and said, ‘I still don’t think I should show them to Bina.’
‘Absolutely not!’ Kate told him. Now was not the time to discuss Bina’s mental state when she was trying to figure out her own. ‘I really don’t think so, Max. You know she’s pretty tight with Billy now and I don’t want her to get upset about Jack again.’
‘Billy? Who’s Billy?’ Max asked, his forehead wrinkled.
‘Oh, that’s a long story you don’t have the time to…’
‘I’ll listen. Try me. I’ve got the time.’ He sounded more anxious than casual.
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