by Lisa Lace
“Where did you study?”
“Columbia.”
“You did? I guess you know Ethan Steele, then?”
He raises an eyebrow, his lips twisting into a strange smile. “You know Ethan went to Columbia? I thought you didn’t know him.”
I flush red and shrug. “I must have read it somewhere.”
“Yes. As a matter of fact, I did know him.”
I shouldn’t ask any more questions. I don’t need to torture myself. I ask him anyway. “What did you think of him?”
“He struck me as someone who was out of his league.”
Vincent’s answer makes me sad. I never could imagine Ethan at some Ivy League university, working himself to death. He was too free to tie himself to a degree and a corporate career.
“He did well enough for himself in the end.”
“Yes. Yes, he did.”
We arrive at my apartment, and I’m not sure how to end the night. I open my mouth to thank Vincent for the meal, but he stops me with a kiss that takes me by surprise. It’s deep and powerful. I’m shocked, and I sink into it, losing myself for a moment.
He tastes like vintage wine and inconceivable luxuries. Vincent pulls back, smiles. “Good night, Lily.”
“Good night.”
I’m breathless, but I step out of the limousine and close the door. I look back over my shoulder. I want to see Vincent’s expression when he sees the dilapidated apartment block where I live.
The limo’s windows are black, and I can’t see him. When I enter the lobby, the limo drives away.
I shut the door behind me and slump against the wall. A ball of nerves in my chest suddenly releases itself and turns into butterflies.
Loudly, I squeal, then quickly cover my mouth with my hand and glance around in case anyone heard me. I’m alone. A giggle rises in my throat, and I’m laughing. I feel like Cinderella—funny, it’s almost midnight. I race up the stairs to my apartment.
Chloe will never believe this!
Ethan
“Explain it to me again, Ethan. Why on earth do you want to go to Arizona?”
“The Payson convention—I told you.”
“Yes, you told me, and it’s complete bullshit. The New York Cyber Fair is this weekend. That’s a huge promo opportunity, and you want to go to some village hall in Arizona? Tell me what’s going on.”
I set my laptop into its case and pull the zipper around. Ever since I told her to book the jet, Jennifer has been on my back about this weekend. She’s sharp—that’s why she’s my right-hand woman.
“Mitchell can handle the Cyber Fair on his own. I trust him.”
“The press wants you, Ethan.”
“I’m sure they’ll find some other poor businessman to stalk for a few days.”
“Payson’s your hometown, right?”
I raise my eyebrow and give her a stern look over my shoulder.
“What? Forgive me for paying attention. Come on, Ethan—this isn’t a business trip. Be straight with me. What’s really going on in Payson? Is there something with your family?”
Slinging the laptop case over my shoulder, I turn toward her. “You know I don’t have family.”
“You had some kind of life before New York, though.” Jennifer stands before me with concern in her eyes. “I hope you’d tell me if something was wrong. You know I care.”
“I know.” I offer her a reassuring smile. “It’s a Vincent thing.”
“Oh, for Pete’s sake, Ethan!” Jennifer’s concern disappears with a roll of her eyes. “Can’t you forget about him for five minutes? The Cyber Fair is far more important than settling whatever beef you have.”
“It’s complicated, Jennifer. Trust me, okay?”
“Fine. Just keep the big picture in mind. Don’t let the defense contract slip away because you’re too busy throwing stones at Vincent.”
I’ve survived another of Jennifer’s scoldings. No other employee would dare talk to me like that, but Jennifer has always said her piece without hesitating. I like that about her. “You have my word.”
Her face softens. “Have a safe journey, then. Your luggage should already be in the limo, and make sure you double check with James before you head off. I’ve arranged a private apartment rental for you in Payson. The details are in the file I gave you earlier. Let me know if you’re going to be away longer than planned. I’ll sort it out.”
“Thanks, Jennifer.”
It’s strange to leave New York. The city has hidden me for a long time.
I board my jet, and we take off. As the skyscrapers and bright lights fade away, I recall a little town I’ve tried hard to forget. Payson, Arizona—I’m coming home.
I’m frozen at the graveside in my black suit. It’s raining sideways, and my damp collar is rubbing against my neck. I stare at the soil. My jacket is growing colder and heavier with each passing minute.
Lily folds down her black umbrella—it’s doing her no good anyway. She shivers. Her hair, smooth this morning, is now frizzy, minuscule droplets of rain clinging to each strand. The black dress she’s wearing is new. Lily never wears black.
Long after the other mourners have moved on, we’re still here. I can’t leave. Not yet.
My hands are in my pockets. Instead, Lily takes hold of my forearm and looks up at me. She opens her mouth to say something, but there are no words, and she closes it again. Her eyes are red—she’s been crying too.
“They’ve found somewhere for me to stay,” I tell her. “It’s a foster family. It’s only until I graduate. Then, who knows?”
Lily doesn’t know what to say. She rests her head against my chest, and her tears seep into my lapel. I know she begged her mom to let me stay with them, but Lily’s an innocent fifteen-year-old girl, and I’m a scary seventeen-year-old boy. I guess Lily’s mom thought it was too much.
“Will you be far away?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Good.”
My feet are sinking into the mud. My new shoes are slick and stuck with clumps of grass. They are my neighbor’s son’s. I feel bitterness so strong, I can taste it.
“My mom worked hard her whole damn life, for what? She gets sick, and each chemo session becomes a business transaction. If she’d have been some rich woman from the other side of town, she’d still be here.”
Lily blinks quickly, holding back tears. “You can’t think like that, Ethan. They did all they could.”
“On a budget.” I scowl, then shake my head. “She could have told me sooner. I’d never have quit that job. What must she have thought of me? She’s dying, and I’m acting like a brat because I don’t want to deal with real life. It’s fucking real now.”
“You couldn’t have saved her, Ethan. It was out of your hands.”
“I didn’t even try. She worked three jobs to keep a roof over our heads, and I acted like I was entitled to it because I didn’t like the feel of hard work. I did nothing to help her.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself. It wasn’t like that.”
“Yes, it was, Lily. I didn’t want to work in that store because I wanted to paint instead. That’s the hard truth of it.”
“She didn’t die because you quit your job, Ethan. She had cancer.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter now anyway. It’s too late to do anything. I let her down, and I’m going to have to find a way to live with that.”
Lily turns on her heel and stands on her tiptoes so she can grab my shoulders firmly. Her eyes are hard.
“No,” she says. “You did not let her down. You were a teenager who acted like a teenager. You didn’t kill her. You didn’t turn your back on her. You couldn’t have bought her life back with a part-time job. This is a horrible tragedy, Ethan, but it’s nobody’s fault.”
“I can’t help feeling like I should have done more.”
Lily’s hands slip from my shoulders and wrap around me. She holds me tightly in a supportive hug, and I close my arms around her. We stand entwined in the rain wi
th nothing left to say.
She’s here for me, but she doesn’t understand. Lily has a whole family—her mom, dad, sister. There will always be someone else to share the load.
It was only my mom and me, and I didn’t pull my head out of the clouds until it was far too late. This is a wake-up call. I can’t keep pretending life doesn’t happen because you don’t want it to. It’s time to step up. To change.
Lily
After the class, Chloe dashes over to me and hops from foot to foot. “Oh, Lily, it sucks, but I’ve got another class to teach, like now, across town. But we’re going to talk properly about Vincent as soon as possible.”
“I told you everything on the phone!”
“I know, but I want to go through it again. I want to know every tiny little detail.” She sighs dreamily. “You’re so lucky.”
I shrug. “It was a nice date, but I doubt he’s going to stick around for long. I’m not going to go hearing wedding bells just yet. It was dinner, that’s all.”
“I can’t believe that’s all!” Chloe replies, her voice incredulous. “You had the chance to fuck a billionaire—and not some old, gross billionaire, but Vincent fucking Oswald, one of the hottest men in New York. And what do you do? You tell him you have to feed your cat.”
I laugh. “I know, I know. But I didn’t want to be yet another notch on his bedpost.”
“Lily, you know, sometimes it’s okay to do something because it’s fun. It doesn’t have to go anywhere.”
“I get that, but there’s a difference between spending a night with a guy because you’re caught up in the moment, and it’s magical, and sleeping with a guy because it’s a cool story to tell. I bet Vincent doesn’t even remember my name by now.”
“I thought you said he wanted to meet again?”
“We’ll see. He’s probably already back in New York, bathing in caviar.”
“That sounds gross. Have you ever smelled caviar?”
“No, I’ve never smelled caviar, and before last night, I’d never drunk a ’53 Chateau Latour. It’s all a bit much, don’t you think?”
“Are you crazy? That sounds like heaven.”
I make a face. “I don’t know. It didn’t feel like me.”
“Only because you’ve never been spoiled by a man before. Don’t write him off yet, Lily, merely because he’s making you experience things outside your comfort zone. I bet most women he dates are into that—give yourself a chance to get to know him. Didn’t you say he was funny?”
“Yes. He is funny.” I smile. “He asked me out again, and I said I’d go, but I might cancel. What if he’s only passing the time while he’s in town?”
“You’re such a cynic.”
“And you’re late! When does your class start?”
Chloe glances at the time on her cell and balks. “Very soon. I’ve got to go. Call me, okay?”
“I will.”
I pick up my yoga mat and follow the path, taking my time to leave the park. It’s another warm, breezy day. I shut my eyes and take a moment to enjoy the feel of the sun on my face. Yoga, sunshine, and art. This is why I don’t give in to the pressure to work a nine-to-five.
Maybe life’s missing a few luxuries, but it feels good to be free.
When I open my eyes again, I stop in my tracks. I cling to the strap of my purse and stare straight ahead, trying to figure out if I’m really seeing this.
There’s a handsome man with chiseled features, fair hair, and green eyes, but no smile. He stands in the middle of the park in a business suit, looking entirely out of place among the soccer moms, joggers, and couples sprawled out on picnic blankets.
I see the recognition in his eyes. He still doesn’t smile. He nods at me like I’m an employee who’s walked into a board meeting seconds late, yet he’s clearly waiting for me.
“Hello, Lily.”
“It’s you.”
“Yes.”
I come to a stop in front of him. I’m wearing yoga pants and a T-shirt, no make-up, my hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. A decade ago, I would have felt good enough in front of him, because he’d be wearing a T-shirt with a frayed collar and cheap jeans. I would have leaped into his arms with a huge smile, and he’d have swung me around with a goofy grin. Now he stands there like a statue, expecting something from me, but I don’t know what. This is a very different Ethan Steele from the young man I once knew.
I have a thousand and one questions, but I only ask one. “What are you doing here?”
“There’s a technology convention in town.”
Resentment makes my blood run cold. I’d almost been foolish enough to think Ethan came back to Payson for me. “I heard about that.”
“It’s good to extend the company’s reach. We don’t want to be too New York-centric.”
I don’t even know what to say. After eleven years and no contact, Ethan shows up merely to give me the run-down on his business strategy.
I start walking again. He keeps up his pace at my side. “You look good, Lily.”
“Thanks.”
“What are you up to these days?”
“I’m painting and sculpting, just like I did before you left.”
I inject an accusation into my voice and almost catch Ethan wincing. His expression is stoic, but I see a twitch of guilt.
I continue. “You’ve done pretty well, I see. Your name is in the papers a lot. I read that you went to Columbia.”
“That’s right.”
Is that it, Ethan? No apology, no explanation? Inside, I’m fuming, but I keep my voice neutral and my pace steady, like I could care less.
“Impressive. I always knew you were smart.”
“I didn’t think I’d get in. That’s why I never told you I applied.”
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”
“Don’t I?”
He reaches for my arm and pulls me to a stop. I keep my face deliberately turned away from him, but he steps in front of my gaze.
“I know I left without saying goodbye.”
I shrug him off. It’s hard to hold back the tears. How is it that such an old flame can still burn this brightly? Looking at Ethan now, it’s like we were together yesterday. All these emotions feel fresh. A decade without him and the pain still feels raw.
“We were kids, Ethan. It’s fine.”
“We both know we were more than some teenage fling, Lily.”
I say nothing. All these years, I’d imagined that if I ever saw Ethan Steele again, I’d give him a piece of my mind. Yet now that he’s standing right in front of me, there’s only the pain of losing him, and the memory of a love so deep, it’s blotted out every other romance to this day.
“It was a long time ago.”
“Yes, it was.”
We walk again. Ethan has a masculine, steady stride. I watch him out the corner of my eye, back straight, head held high. He’s someone significant now, and I’m still only Lily Miller.
He smiles for the first time. “You haven’t changed at all, Lily.”
“You’ve completely changed.”
“I know.”
I search for something to say. A decade of plotting grand speeches in my head, and now my words run dry.
“How is it, then—living in the big city?”
“Hectic.”
“Uh-huh. Do you miss Payson?”
“I’m too busy to think about it much.”
His words sting. I guess he’s been too busy to think about me, too. “Well, nothing’s changed here.”
“Are you still living with your parents?”
I raise an eyebrow and cast him an awkward sideways glance. “I am twenty-nine, you know. I have my own apartment now.”
“Really? That’s great! I know you always wanted your own place. Good for you.”
“Thanks. It’s not much, but it’s home. And what about you? How many places have you got? A dozen?”
Ethan bows his head. “Something like that.”
“I’m glad everything’s worked out for you.”
“Thanks.”
“The magazines say you’re dating a model. She looks gorgeous.”
He presses his hands into his pockets and slows down. “Actually, we’re not together anymore.”
“Oh, how come?”
“She was a complete bitch.”
I laugh. The sound surprises Ethan, and he breaks out into a grin. “Don’t tell the press,” he says. “They’d have to retract their ‘couple of the year’ award.”
“Jesus, Ethan, what were you doing with her in the first place? You would have been terrified of a girl like that in high school.”
“What do you mean, terrified?”
“Are you serious? You were such a dork back then. A girl like Lorina would have eaten you alive.”
“Lucky for me, I wasn’t with a girl like Lorina back then.”
The smile falls from my face. I wrap my arms around myself, closing down. “Like I said, you’ve changed.”
We reach the park’s exit. “I guess this is goodbye, Ethan. I’ve got to get home and work on my commission piece.”
“You know, I’m in town for a while. I’d like to see you again before I go.”
I hesitate. I’ve wanted answers for so long. But I know that inviting Ethan back into my life could open up a lot of emotional wounds I’ve worked hard at keeping closed.
Vincent crosses my mind. I’ve met somebody new. Do I really want Ethan in my head again?
I look up at him. He’s waiting for my answer, and he seems so sincere. Maybe there’s a good reason why he left and an even better one for why he never got in touch in all the years since. Maybe if I give him a chance to explain, I can finally get some closure and move on.
“Come to my place tonight. East Street, apartment 4E. We’ll talk then.”
“Eight?”
“Eight.”
I turn and walk away. I can feel Ethan’s gaze on the back of my neck, but I don’t look back. But it’s hard to walk steadily with my knees growing weak. My heart is pounding. I didn’t expect to see Ethan, and my head is spinning.
Tonight. Everything will make sense after tonight.
