by Lisa Lace
I smile. “Britney’s a bitch.”
He laughs. “Yeah, she is.” Ethan hands me the last book, stands, and then holds out a hand to help me up. “Where are your friends today?”
“Sadie’s family moved, and now that Paula’s in different classes, I never see her.”
“Oh, that sucks.” He pats me on the shoulder. “How about I walk you home today?”
I’m filled up with butterflies fluttering so fast I feel they might lift me off my feet. “Okay.”
He smiles. “Great. See you then.”
“You know, Vincent, I’m actually pretty cold. Could we head back?”
I see the disappointment on his face, but he forces a smile and nods. “Sure.” He heads down to the controls, and I don’t follow. The yacht sails swiftly back to the harbor.
When we arrive back at the marina, Vincent moors up before joining me back on the deck. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine. That was a lovely evening.”
“Are you sure? You seemed somewhere else.”
“There’s a lot on my mind.”
“Anything I can do?”
I shake my head. “No. It’s just work.”
“Let me take you home.”
We return to the magnificent sports car that Vincent picked me up in. As we make the hour’s drive back to Payson, I keep glancing over at him. He doesn’t look at me, only pulling at the gearshift from time to time.
When we arrive back outside my apartment, he doesn’t ask if he can come inside, and I don’t invite him up. Instead, he leans across to the passenger seat and plants a kiss on my cheek. “Good night, Lily.”
Ethan
I sit at my desk in silence, the Newton’s cradle on my desk swinging and sending out an irritating clink, clink, clink.
Jennifer comes in to deposit a pile of papers on my desk. When she sees me sitting in the same position I was in when she left two hours earlier, she crosses her arms in front of her.
“Seriously, Ethan, it’s time you spit it out. You’ve been in a funk ever since you came back from Payson, and it’s not like you. What happened over there? What did Vincent do?”
I close my hand around the swinging metallic beads to stop them clinking, and raise my eyes to Jennifer who’s standing over me sternly. “Vincent’s the same fucking jerk he’s always been.”
“Uh-huh.” Jennifer takes a seat. “So you did track him down, then.”
“He was at the convention, but it was some pathetic little local fair. Nothing to write home about.”
“Just like I said it would be.”
“Exactly. And my question is, what was Vincent doing there?”
Jennifer throws her hands up. “Who cares, Ethan? Maybe he’s visiting his parents. Maybe he likes the local bakery. Why do you give a damn?”
I drum my fingers against my desk, then decide to let Jennifer in. “The reason I went to Arizona is because Vincent used Destiny.”
“And you’re pissed that he’s found true love?”
“He matched with my old girlfriend.”
“Which one?”
“Her name is Lily, and she’s not like the others. You could say we were childhood sweethearts.”
Jennifer’s face softens. “You’ve never told me about her.”
“We had big plans together, but I changed my mind and walked away.”
“People change.”
“She hasn’t. She’s still the same beautiful woman I left behind, full of life.”
“And Vincent’s after her?”
“He’s up to something.”
“You know he’s just trying to get a rise out of you to distract you from the defense contract, Ethan. Just let it go.”
“I can’t.”
Jennifer scrutinizes my face, trying to read what’s going on. “Is this about Vincent or about Lily?”
“Both. I won’t let him hurt her.”
“Ethan, with all due respect, I’m sure that your ex is a big girl who can take care of herself.”
“You don’t understand, Jen.” I lean back in my chair and run both my hands through my hair, letting out a long, pained sigh. “She’s not like us. She doesn’t play games. For him, it’ll be business. For her, he’ll be another guy who breaks her heart.”
“You really care about her?”
“Jennifer, leaving Lily was the biggest fuck-up of my life.”
“Then why don’t you just tell her? Win her back?”
“Because I’ve fucked up again.”
“Why, what did you do?”
I tell Jennifer what happened in Payson, and she shakes her head slowly. “You’re right. You did fuck up. Why the hell did you just leave her there, Ethan? What’s wrong with you?”
“I really don’t know, Jen. She’s too good for me, that’s why.”
Jennifer gestures around at my expensive office and premier view. “Are you kidding me? You could have any girl.”
“Lily’s not someone who's going to be won over by penthouses and limousines. She’s more than that. She wants more than that.”
“What does she want?”
I sink back into my chair. “Commitment.”
“Wow. What a bitch.”
“Knock it off, Jen.”
“What’s stopping you from committing to her? Now that you’ve kicked Lorina to the curb, you’re free as a bird. Go get her.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Why not?”
I frown. “I’m not the person I used to be. I can’t see how I’ll make her happy.”
“It sounds like you’re making excuses.”
“I’m just trying to be honest with myself.”
“Jesus Christ, Ethan!” Jennifer exclaims. “This is the first time since I’ve known you that you actually care about someone, and you’re going to let her go because you feel sorry for yourself? Poor Ethan—too rich and important to get the girl. Seriously, Ethan, I love you, but you’re acting like a complete idiot right now.”
I raise my eyebrows in surprise. “Tell me what you really think, Jen.”
She leans forward, pressing both her palms against my desk, her voice pleading. “Ethan, please don’t do something stupid because you think you know how a woman’s mind works. Trust me, you haven’t got a clue. Remember how long it took us to convince you to give the Destiny thing a try? You’re the world’s biggest cynic when it comes to love, but it looks to me like it’s staring you right in the face. What are you still doing in New York? You’ve got over four hundred employees sitting at their desks doing nothing on your behalf. You might as well get your ass back to Payson and grovel to that girl.”
“What about the defense contract?”
“You might not be able to multitask, but I can. I’ll come with you to Arizona. I’ll arrange a temporary office space and a small team. We’ll keep working over there. You’re useless like this anyway.”
My face breaks into a smile. I can always trust Jennifer to tell it like it is. “Do you think she’ll forgive me?”
“You’ll have to go over the top to make it up to her somehow. I’d be fuming if some guy slept with me and then took off.”
“You’re not making me feel any better.”
“You said it yourself, Ethan. You fucked up. Now you need to find a way to make it right.”
Three days later, Jennifer has worked miracles.
We’re in Arizona, an office space set up on the outskirts of Payson. Key members of my team are keeping on top of the defense contract admin, and I’m available to give as many damn signatures as they need.
Jennifer has taken to wearing a headpiece like she’s working for NASA, and she’s been holding a clipboard like she gave birth to it. She’s got everything under control.
“Okay, Ethan. We’re onto the third draft of the proposal. Each department has a copy and is proofing for errors. The fourth draft should be with us by noon tomorrow. That’s the last one. You’ll need to read it and sign off before it’s ready f
or Healy. Next week, we’ll do the presentation.”
“I flipped through the third draft on the plane. It’s looking good, Jen, really good. I don’t want to be too optimistic, but I think we’ve got this in the bag.”
She smiles. “Didn’t I tell you it was ours?”
“Vincent won’t know what hit him.”
“Let’s keep it like that. Remember, you’re here for Lily, not for him. Don’t mention him. Don’t bring him into it. You’re winning Lily back, not stealing her from Vincent. Got it? You must take the high road here, or she’ll feel she’s being used, and Vincent gets what he wants. Just tell her how you feel without mentioning Oswald. Okay?”
“Right.”
“Go get her, soldier.”
Lily
I open the door, and rage rises to fill me when I see Ethan standing there with a bouquet of sunflowers. “Really, Ethan?”
“Lily, please, let me explain.”
“Explain what? How you slept with me and then took off without saying goodbye again? Now you show up a week later and think I should fall at your feet because you remembered my favorite flower? I’d rather you remembered my phone number and tried fucking calling for a change.”
“I know you’re angry, and you have every right to be, but I want to make things right.”
My anger rises up in my chest and comes out in a scream. “No, Ethan! I’m done with you. How could you do that to me? Do I mean nothing to you?”
“You mean everything to me.”
I put my hands over my face and turn around, pacing the floor. Ethan is driving me insane. When he’s not here, I spend all my time thinking about how he’s hurt me, and whenever I see his face, I know I would let him hurt me all over again. I’m in love with this selfish bastard, no matter how inconvenient it is.
“Why did you come back here, Ethan?”
“To apologize.”
“Not now! Before. You weren’t here for that convention. It was small potatoes compared to New York. I just don’t understand it. If you came here for me, then why did you have your fun and leave? Was it just for old time’s sake? Trying to remember if an Arizona girl fucks like one of your models? When you can have any girl you want, why come back here to mess with my head?”
Ethan steps inside without being invited and lays the bouquet on the side table in my living room. He sits on the arm of my sofa, facing me. “I didn’t come to Arizona for a one-night stand, Lily. I wasn’t here to have some fun. I came here to protect you.”
I let out a derisive snort. “Of course, you did. Protect me from what? The rising cost of living in Gila County?”
“From Vincent Oswald.”
My voice rises to a nearly hysterical pitch. “Are you fucking kidding me, Ethan? It’s not enough for you to break my heart, but you want to tear me away from Vincent too? What is it—if you can’t have me, no one can?”
“Vincent’s using you to get to me,” Ethan says quickly, trying to talk faster than I can scream. “I don’t know what his end game is, but he’s not your friend.”
“I don’t believe this. I don’t believe you. You’re saying that Vincent is only seeing me because he’s trying to get to you? By what, dating a girl you haven’t seen in eleven years? If you cared, Ethan, I would have seen you before now. It would be pretty fucking stupid of Vincent to try and use a woman you don’t give a damn about as bait.”
“I love you, Lily.”
“Love? You don’t know what love is, Ethan! You left me here, and you’ve only come back because your ego is so huge that you think everything is about you.”
“You don’t know Oswald like I do.”
“Don’t I? Vincent seems like a good guy to me. He’s respectful and patient, and he doesn’t fuck me and then disappear.”
“Are you saying you haven’t slept with him?”
My eyes widen with disbelief. “Are you really asking me that?”
“I don’t want you to get hurt. You’ve got no idea what you mean to me.”
“Oh my God, you’re unbelievable.” I stand with one hand on my hip. The other picks up my cell from the coffee table. I hold it up to Ethan. “I met him on your stupid app. I met him through your algorithm. You might as well have set us up yourself.”
“I think he hacked the system to get to you.”
“Why? Because it’s impossible that someone smart, rich, and handsome might match with someone like me?”
“You know that’s not what I’m saying.”
“I’ve got no fucking idea what you’re saying. You come in here with flowers, acting like you’re here to offer an apology, but in reality, you’re just trying to get dirt on your rival. I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to even show up here after what you did to me.”
“I am here to apologize, Lily, but I’m trying to warn you, too. If you don’t want to see me again, fine. But don’t see Vincent either. He’s up to no good.”
“You don’t get to tell me what to do or tell me who to date. Vincent treats me like a real human being. He appreciates me. He notices that I’m different from all the girls who’d screw a guy just for his wallet. But you? You treat me just like any one of those girls who’d fuck you for a free meal. Are you so used to having whoever you want in your bed that you’ve forgotten that some of us have feelings? For some of us, it’s not a cheap thrill or a shot at getting noticed in the press. I waited for you, Ethan—for years. I don’t know how I could ever think you were the same person you used to be. I lost you years ago.”
“I’m sorry for how I left back then. I was young and stupid, and I didn’t know how to say goodbye.”
“And last week? What was your excuse then?”
He falls silent, looks down at the ground.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you, Ethan, but I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. I’ve wasted enough time waiting for you to pull it together. Go back to New York. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
“And Vincent?”
“Go!”
“He’s a liar, Lily. He’ll tell you anything you want to hear, but it’s all just games.”
“Then you’ve got something in common, haven’t you?”
“Lily.”
“Get out of here, Ethan. You’ve done enough.”
He leaves. I pick up the sunflowers he’s left behind, twist them up in my hands, go to the window, and throw the petals down on him as he exits onto the sidewalk. I see his shoulders slump as the flowers rain down. Then he steps into his limousine and disappears again.
Ethan
“Cute town,” Jennifer says. “Funny, I can’t imagine you growing up here.”
I follow her gaze around the low skyline and wide streets of Payson. There’s more space here than in New York.
There’s room to breathe.
I nod toward Molly’s Café, tucked down a side street, with the same curling red letters hanging above its door. “That’s where I drank my first espresso. Hated it.”
Jennifer laughs. “What happened? Nowadays I know I better not even talk to you until you’ve had your morning coffee.”
“I guess I found a taste for it eventually.”
My eyes linger on the run-down, cramped café with the cracked curb out front and smeared windows. I smile.
I sniff the toxic black liquid and reach for the warm milk sitting in a plastic jug on the fold-down table by the counter.
Lily stops me. “You’re meant to drink it black!”
“What? Why?”
“That’s just what you do.”
Holding the chipped white china, I pick out a spot for us at two bar stools by the window, looking out at the street. There’s a barber shop opposite. A large man with at least three chins is having what few hairs he has left on his head trimmed by an elderly barber with a terrific gray mustache.
Lily takes a tiny sip from her cup, pretending she likes the flavor, and leans her head against my shoulder, shutting her eyes, content. “I like it here.”
/> “There’s a better coffee shop opening up the street, you know. They’ve got lattes and Frappuccinos. Stuff that tastes half decent.”
“I know,” she says, “but it’s not the same. I like it here. It’s understated. I can think in here.”
“Really?”
She sits up and smiles. “Sure.”
Her eyes wander around the other people in Molly’s. They all look down and out—a workman with embedded dirt under his nails, a waitress on her break with a blank stare, an elderly woman sitting alone in a booth. Everything inside Molly’s seems to be in slow motion.
“You go to a chain store, and what do you get? Everybody rushing in and out and pretending they’re a part of something. People come to a place like this because they’re outside all that rush and buzz. They’re out of step with the world.”
I look around at the same people, raise an eyebrow, and grin. “Or they’re broke.”
“Artists are made in places like these. They’ve got soul.”
“They’ve got stains.” I look at a damp patch on the ceiling that’s been steadily spreading for months.
Places like Molly’s have lost their appeal to me since Mom died. It depresses me that she worked in joints like this for years, under damp ceilings, surrounded by the outer circles of society. It feels empty and sorrowful in here.
“You take everything too literally,” Lily tells me. “Sometimes you’ve got to tap into what’s under the surface. Yeah, I like this place.”
I turn to face her, a teasing smile on my face. “Okay, Miss Artiste—and what exactly do you spend your time thinking about when you’re here?”
She smiles and reaches above her head, stretching. Her top rises, and I see the smooth skin of her navel, the ridge of her hip. I remember prom night—the first time we made love.
“I think about all sorts of things,” Lily says, that dreamy smile growing. “Traveling, and what I’ll do when we get back. The next thing I’ll paint. Whether a flower chooses when to blossom, or is surprised when it sees the sun. How many books have ever been written. I make up stories for the people sitting around me: who they are, where they’re from, what they’re struggling with. I think about how I’d capture it in a picture. I allow my mind to do whatever it wants to do.”
