by Susan Lewis
Finding an empty seat beside the window, she dropped her holdall between her feet and, slipping off her coat, she sat down with a heavy sigh. Prepared as she was to let her relationship with Christian turn her life upside down, to know that it was doing the same to David’s disturbed her as much as it baffled her. She was sure there was something he wasn’t telling her, that there was more to his aversion to Christian than the fact that Christian was a wanted man. She’d even wondered if David actually knew Christian, if maybe their paths had crossed before. But if they had, why hadn’t David said so? And the night Christian had listened to David’s voice on the answerphone he hadn’t seemed to know who David was. Then she remembered, with a sudden stab of unease, that he had been absurdly jealous at the way David had spoken to her. So maybe they did know each other; maybe there was a history between them that neither man wanted to admit to. It made her head spin just to think of it, for though the connection could be as simple as David purchasing marijuana from Christian there was always the chance that it went much deeper and was much more sinister.
Her eyes suddenly widened and her blood turned slowly to ice as she remembered Esther Delaney talking about another boss. Could it be David? But no, that was crazy, she could never imagine David doing anything to put himself in the kind of position Christian was in. And if he had, then why was he free to come and go in a way that Christian wasn’t? But what about his unexplained disappearances, those times when she had no idea where he was or how to reach him?
Closing her eyes, she covered her face with her hands and tried to recall everything David had said that morning in the office. But through the monotonous chant of the train the only words that seemed to stand out with any clarity now were those he had used when he’d told her he cared about her. She cared for him too, but was there more to his feelings than he was telling her? Was that why he didn’t want her to go on seeing Christian? There was a time when the very suggestion would have made her laugh for the absurdity of it, but now it simply made her feel unbearably sad and disloyal.
What was going on? she sighed anxiously. Why wouldn’t anyone tell her what she needed to know? She would ask Christian when she saw him, but for the moment uppermost in her mind was the fact that she didn’t want this to come between her and David. But wasn’t it already too late for that? It had come between them and, if she were honest with herself, the thought of losing David was frightening her. She didn’t know why it should frighten her, except lately almost everything did.
The night before, Esther Delaney, in one of her motherly moods, had helped her try to rationalize her fear, explaining that living life on the edge was bound to take its toll. Christian had had plenty of practice and when Penny was with him she would find herself much more able to cope than when she wasn’t. Which was another reason, Esther had gone on, why she should spend as much time with him as she could. David had been in love before, she’d said: he would know what it was like, wanting someone so much you couldn’t think about anything else, feeling terrified the whole time that something was going to go wrong. And for Penny and Christian those feelings were doubly felt because of the situation Christian was in. Which was something else David would understand, even though he might not like.
‘He’s really very much in love with you, dear,’ Esther had told her, ‘and it’s as difficult for him as it is for you.’
‘I thought we were talking about David,’ Penny said.
The old lady smiled fondly. ‘No, Christian,’ she said.
Turning to look out at the passing scenery, Penny pulled a cigarette from the packet she’d bought at the station. She lit it, but within seconds she’d stubbed it out. Nothing felt right any more. In truth it all felt horribly wrong, and for a moment she couldn’t understand why she was sitting here on this train. But then the thought of Christian and the intensity of what they had shared, of what they already meant to each other, seemed to break through her fears like a comforting light flaring in a world of darkness and doubt. She was going to him because in her heart she knew that they belonged together and because he needed her perhaps even more than she needed him.
And the instant she stepped off the train and saw his face, his eyes anxiously searching the platform, any lingering fears she might have had simply vanished. It was hard to believe that someone with eyes so gentle and unsure could have committed the crimes she had read about. In fact, as he spotted her and came running towards her and swept her into his arms, it was hard to believe he had committed any crime at all, he looked so happy and carefree and relieved to see her.
‘Chérie,’ he murmured, hugging her tightly. ‘I’ve missed you.’
‘I’ve missed you too,’ she said, gazing up at him and inhaling the warm, masculine scent of him.
Cupping her face in his hands, he kissed her softly on the mouth. ‘I want to make love to you,’ he whispered. ‘I want to lose myself in you and feel only the love I have for you.’
‘How far is the hotel?’ she asked, making him laugh with the mischief in her eyes.
‘Not far. But much as I want to hold you, we have to talk, chérie. Esther told me about your conversation with her last night . . . I understand why you are afraid, chérie, but I don’t want you to be – not of me, not of anything I have done. I will let you go, I will give you up and never see you again if that is what you want, because the reality of my life will not go away. It is hard for us both having to live this way, but you have a choice, Penny, you don’t have to do this . . .’
‘But I do,’ she told him earnestly. ‘And I’ve made my choice. I love you, Christian, and it doesn’t matter how hard it’s going to be for us or what other people might think. All that matters is how we feel about each other.’
His dark eyes were suffused with love as he gazed searchingly into hers, still holding her face in his hands and letting their feelings flow between them. Then suddenly a roguish smile danced across his lips. ‘I think we are becoming something of a spectacle,’ he whispered, as passers-by turned to look at them. ‘Let me take you to the hotel. I think you’re going to like it.’
He was right, she did, and not only for the enchanting winter-misted views over the lake, but for the way he could make her heart throb with their beauty just by being with her and sharing it with her.
It was dusk as they stood, unselfconscious in their nudity, at the window of their room, gazing out at the muted greys and purples and vermilion of the sky where the sun had set. Christian’s arms were around her waist, his chest pressing gently against her back as she rested her head on his shoulder.
‘I’m glad we talked,’ she smiled.
He laughed. ‘I promise you it was my intention before we made love.’
She lifted his hand to her mouth and kissed it. ‘I only have doubts when I’m not with you.’
‘I don’t want you ever to doubt me, Penny,’ he said, stroking her lips with his thumb, ‘but I understand why you do. And I doubt you too when I’m not with you. I doubt that you could really have fallen in love with someone like me. I doubt that you will come when I ask . . . There are so many things I fear and losing you is one of them.’
Several minutes slipped by before Penny braced herself to ask the question she dreaded the answer to. ‘Have you heard from your lawyers?’
‘Yes,’ he said, in a voice that was barely audible.
Penny’s heart turned over. ‘Does that mean,’ she said gazing sightlessly out at the still waters of the lake, ‘that you have the deal you asked for?’
‘More or less,’ he answered.
Penny’s eyes closed as the pain of losing him so soon engulfed her. ‘So you’ll be going?’
He turned away from her and went to sit on the edge of the bed. ‘I don’t know,’ he said, his head in his hands. Then, as though feeling her watching him, he looked up. ‘It’s hard, Penny,’ he said. ‘So hard. I know what I did was wrong, that I should pay for it, but that you should pay for it too . . .’
Moving swiftly to his
side Penny put her arms around him. ‘There’s nothing I can say to make this any better,’ she whispered brokenly, ‘except—’
When she stopped he lifted his head to look into her eyes. ‘Except what?’ he said.
‘Nothing,’ she answered, shaking her head.
Smiling, he brushed the hair from her face. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said, ‘I have thought of the same thing myself.’
Penny’s eyes opened wide in surprise.
He laughed. ‘I can think of nothing I would rather do than take you somewhere a long, long way from here where we can live out our lives together, free from the pressures of now . . .’
‘Then why don’t you?’ she cried recklessly.
‘Ah, Penny,’ he sighed, ‘would that I could. But it wouldn’t work. They’d find me one day and to live looking over our shoulders all the time is no life for either of us. It would make us unhappy, it would make you start to resent me . . .’ His voice trailed off as he leant towards her and kissed her gently on the mouth. ‘But you see,’ he said, ‘I have my dreams too and they are the same as yours. But that is all it is, Penny, a dream. Reality is much harsher, much more difficult to face.’
Looking down at the floor, Penny listened to the few distant sounds that trespassed the silence. Finally she said, ‘What is the deal? How long will you get?’
‘They are saying ten years, of which I will serve between five and six.’
It felt like an eternity, yet at the same time it felt as though it were being swallowed into some kind of timeless vacuum that had no meaning at all. ‘Is that longer than you were expecting?’ she said.
‘No, it was about the best I could hope for.’ He pushed her back on the bed and gazed down into her eyes as his hand travelled lightly, exploringly, over her body. ‘I haven’t made a decision when to go yet,’ he said, ‘so why don’t we forget about it until I do?’
Penny’s smile was weak. She doubted very much if he could stop himself thinking about it and knew that for her it would be impossible.
Lifting a hand to his face she trailed her fingers gently over his jaw, running them to his shoulders, to his chest, then down over the hard muscles of his abdomen to take him in her hand. As she squeezed him his eyes fluttered; then, easing her legs apart, he lay between them and pushed himself slowly inside her.
Over the next three days they behaved and were treated like a honeymoon couple. They walked and talked, roaming the meandering paths in the hills, stopping in remote little villages to drink hot spicy wine and explore their surroundings. It was so cold they could see their breath in front of them, could feel the dry, frosted bracken cracking beneath their feet. It was a time apart from the rest of the world, a time that was as filled with happiness and laughter as it was by the spectre of what was to come. But despite how much they talked, never once did either of them touch upon the subject that was uppermost in their minds, and again Penny could only marvel at the way he seemed to slip so easily away from it, refusing to allow it to intrude upon this special time together.
She watched him with other people around the hotel and found herself loving him more for the way he was able to laugh with them and absorb himself in the tales of their daily excursions. It was as though he was trying to soak it all in, store it away and use it to sustain himself during the unthinkable time when there would be nothing, a time that no matter how hard she tried Penny just couldn’t imagine.
Occasionally he disappeared for a few hours, sometimes to be alone and sometimes to meet with people she never got to see. Whether it was with them that he was discussing a date for his surrender she didn’t know; all she knew was that he wouldn’t discuss it with her. While he was gone she would take out her computer and attempt to write the editorials she had assured Marielle she would fax over. Plenty of faxes had arrived for her, meaning that by now David would know where she was, but he hadn’t called and neither had she expected him to. There were moments, though, when she badly wanted to talk to him, but what was there to say? She’d asked Christian if he and David knew each other and Christian’s surprise at the question had been answer enough. Their association lived only in her imagination, along with David’s feelings for her. So maybe the need to talk to David was rooted in the need to touch reality again, for as the time passed and she and Christian became closer than ever the more distanced she seemed to feel from her emotions. Sometimes when she looked at Christian she felt almost dazzled, as though she was seeing the afterburn of a light before it eventually disappeared completely. She knew she loved him, that she wanted only to be with him, to touch him and feel him and see him, so where had the moments of uncertainty smuggled themselves in from? Was it because of the way he seemed to be shutting her out, not allowing her to take part in a decision that was going to affect her so drastically?
‘No, Penny,’ he told her when she put that to him, ‘I’m not shutting you out, I’m just trying to spare you more pain. And besides,’ he added with a smile, ‘if the decision were left to you I would never go.’
‘That’s true,’ she admitted with a grudging smile of her own as she went to stand behind him at the mirror and slid her arms about his waist. ‘I suppose it’s just that I want all of you and that is something I simply can’t have.’
‘But you can and you do,’ he said, looking at her reflection. ‘I just wish that I had all of you.’
Penny was clearly perplexed.
‘When you came,’ he explained, ‘you brought your work with you. I suppose I thought, hoped, that when we were together you could let go for a while. But it is no matter because I know that you have a life which I can be no part of. I am jealous of that life, I detest it, because I know I must never touch it, must never allow it to be tainted by the things I have done.’
‘Christian!’ she cried, shocked. ‘For God’s sake, don’t ever think of yourself that way. You are a part of that life, you’re a part of everything to do with me. And the reason I brought it here was because, like you, I have responsibilities to others, loyalties that no matter how much I might want to ignore I just can’t.’
‘Are you speaking of your boss, David Villers?’ he asked solemnly.
Penny frowned. ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘amongst others.’
‘You speak of him a great deal, you know.’ He smiled. ‘More than anyone else. More than yourself.’ He turned from the mirror and looked down at her. ‘Do you think of him when we are making love?’ he challenged quietly.
‘God, no!’ Penny cried. ‘How can you say that! Do you really think I’d be here with you if I were thinking about another man, especially in that way?’
He nodded. ‘Yes, I do. Because you are.’
‘Oh God, Christian, what do I have to do to prove how much I love you?’
‘Maybe it isn’t me you need to prove it to,’ he said. ‘Maybe it is yourself.’
Penny was shaking her head. ‘Please,’ she said, ‘don’t let’s fight. I love you, Christian. I’d do anything, anything, to stop you going away, but I know you’re going to and . . . I know it’s selfish, but I have to think about what I’m going to do when you’re gone. And yes, I do have loyalties to David, I owe him a great deal, but you’re the one who matters, Christian. You’re the one I love and want to be with.’
‘But?’
‘You know all the buts,’ she cried helplessly.
To her amazement he turned to her computer and flicked it on. Then, after tapping in the relevant commands, he stood back and pointed to the screen. ‘Can you explain this?’ he said.
As she moved hesitantly towards the screen, Penny knew already what she was going to see. ‘That’s my diary, Christian,’ she said. ‘You had no right to read it.’
His eyes were hard. ‘Your diary?’ he said. ‘Or my life story ready to go to print?’
‘Oh God,’ she cried, pushing her hands into her hair. ‘Please don’t do this.’
‘Answer me, Penny,’ he said.
‘It’s my diary,’ she cried. ‘My diary, my li
fe. And you’re a part of my life, the most important part of my life, so of course yours is there too.’
As she finished speaking he turned away, putting a hand to his eyes.
‘Christian, please,’ she begged. ‘Talk to me, tell me what’s really going on here. You’ve made a decision, haven’t you? You know when you’re going and you’re afraid to tell me.’
Turning back to her he took her hands in his and stood looking at her, allowing a long time to tick by. ‘You’re right,’ he said in the end: ‘I shouldn’t have read the diary. But I did it because I have to be sure of you, Penny. I have to know that I can really trust you. I know it probably hurts you to hear me say that, but being in the position I am it isn’t easy and often isn’t wise to trust. And you are a journalist, Penny. I need to be sure that you aren’t here just to . . .’ He stopped and raised his hand to her face. ‘I love you,’ he said, his voice shaking with emotion, ‘I didn’t want to believe that of you, but, please understand, I had to be sure.’
‘I understand,’ she whispered.
Pulling her into the circle of his arm, he led her to the sofa. ‘I want you to listen to what I have to say now,’ he told her softly. ‘It will explain even further why I had to be sure of you before I could tell you this. I want you to hear me out, and when I have finished I want you to think about what I have said before you give me your answer. It is a big decision I am asking you to make, Penny, probably one of the biggest of your life . . .’
Her eyes were darting between his even as the fear slid into her heart.
‘I’m not going in,’ he said. ‘Not yet, anyway. But my time here in Europe has run out. They’re too close to me now, too many people have seen me . . . So tomorrow I am leaving for the Far East.’ He took a breath, then, looking deep into her eyes, he said, ‘I want you to come with me, Penny.’
