“Does Kai being Khloe’s dad change the way you feel about him?”
“I’d like to hear the answer to that?” Kai says from my doorway looking ravaged.
“I’ll call you tomorrow okay?” Penny gives me a small hug and I nod.
She squeezes Kai’s shoulder as she passes by him. He still hasn’t come all the way in my door.
“Are you leaving?” He stares at my half packed bags lying on the floor. His hands are balled up into tightly clenched fists.
“You LIED to me Kai. Would you have EVER told me?”
“I wanted to so many times. You have to know that it wasn’t about hurting you…I was protecting Khloe.” He takes a deep breath, and I can tell he is trying to hold back his tears.
“From what Kai? You know what I think? You didn’t want your dirty little secret getting out to the press!” That was mean but I can’t help it. I am so hurt right now.
He doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t stop me as I continue shoving my clothes in my bags.
“I have a flight in five hours Kat; I won’t get on that plane if you tell me to stay.” He sounds as desperate as I feel.
“Get on the plane Kai. I hope you top the charts with your single.” I wish I didn’t feel this way right now, but I do.
He tries to grab my hand, and I pull away. I have to end this NOW, before he hurts me any deeper. A strangled sob escapes my throat when I hear those three words that break me, shattering my heart completely.
“Killing me Kat,” he says hoarsely.
“I. Can’t. Kai. I’m sorry,” I say each word through my sobs. The words are gutting me, but I have to stay strong. Kai Cooper isn’t going to get the best of me.
“Can’t or won’t?” He says his voice cracking, trying to choke back his own tears.
“Maybe both,” I say, trying to stay strong, the words cutting my tongue like glass the second I say them. I have to look away from his tear-streaked gaze.
He steps aside as I walk passed him and out the door. I can’t look back or I will lose what little courage I have.
I hear his fist smashing against the door, as a guttural, “FUCK!” rips from his throat. Then I hear him tossing things inside of my room, losing it. Glass shatters and I have to keep walking away. I have to stay strong. I can fall apart once I get out of here, away from him and his lies.
When I reach my car, Khloe is in the front yard running through the sprinklers with her friends from school, without a care in the world. I hope she never loses that feeling. I hope Raven and Kai do what is best for her, whatever that might be.
Driving away from Kai Cooper is the hardest thing I have ever done. But If I don’t leave, I know that I will only stand in his way. If I had told him not to get on that plane, I know that he would have stayed and gave it up for me. I won’t be the reason he loses his dream. I won’t be the reason that little girl learns her brother is really her dad.
I don’t need to hear his reasons. He could have been honest with me. But he wasn’t. I tried so many times to get him to open up to me. I gave him ALL of me. I shared MY secrets with him but he couldn’t be open with me in return.
Tears blind my sight as I drive towards the town limits. I don’t know where I’m going but I can’t stay where he isn’t and I can’t be near here and be reminded of him either. Nothing will ever compare to Kai Cooper and the love I feel for him. He owns me but I need to own myself.
So I just drive and when my phone rings, I turn it off shutting out everything and everyone. I know it is him and I can’t talk to him. If I do, I will turn this car around and drive straight back to him. I crank up my stereo, I drive, and I cry. Eventually, I pull off for gas and call Penny so she at least knows I am okay.
Chapter 27
One year later
“Percy!” Where is that damn cat? I walk around to the back of the yard and call out for him again. I thought for sure the little shit would be out here digging up the flowerbed.
“Any luck?” Becks asks from behind me.
“No, he is a lost cause. I am sure he will return when his butt gets hungry,” I tell him with a shrug. “What time is Desi getting here?” I turn around and give him a small hug. I am going to miss him. We are finally close again.
“Should be anytime now.” He smiles. Desi is Beckett’s girlfriend. We are having them a thing tonight, well we—being Penny and I. Beckett and Desi are going to South America for four months with their church. Desi is so good for him. I knew when I met her she was going to steal him away from me.
“Katie!” Penny screams my name from the kitchen window.
Becks and I go to see what she is freaking out about.
“What?” I ask and then I see Percy sitting on the table eating her chicken. “Percy!” I shout and he looks at me, licks his mouth and I swear the little devil just smiled at me.
I inherited him from Mrs. Jennings when she passed away last fall. I stayed with her until she passed from old age and natural causes. She went out with a smile on her sweet wrinkled face. We spent her final days talking and reminiscing about her younger years. She led an amazing life. When she was younger, she was a singer in a gospel group. They even had a hit song. I never knew that about her until it was close to the end, which saddened me considering how long we lived next to each other.
Penny wasn’t too thrilled when I moved Percy in with us, but the little yellow fur ball was going to go to the shelter if I didn’t.
“I’ll order a pizza,” Becks says with a chuckle.
“I can’t believe you are ditching and leaving me alone with Katie all summer.” Penny gives Becks a hug.
“I can hear you ya know?” I shake my head at her. You would think we aren’t even friends with the way they talk about me as if I am not in the room with them.
A knock sounds at the front door to our townhouse. I ended up moving in with Penny in Georgetown over six months ago. Must be Desi. I go to let her in and see that she brought a casserole. I smile and give her a side hug.
“Hold off on the pizza Becks, your woman came prepared,” I call towards the kitchen.
“Well you guys did say Penny was cooking. I just thought it was better to be prepared,” Desi jokes taking the dish and setting it on the table.
“That almost hurts my feelings,” Penny mocks.
We are settled at the table together for our last group meal minus Stewart. He couldn’t make it tonight. He normally has the weekends off, but he is on call for emergencies, and was called out for a sick horse. Stewart is a Veterinarians Assistant. We met when I took Percy to get declawed. It was the only way I could get Penny to agree to Percy living with us. Stewart actually got me a job as a receptionist at the clinic and we became friends fast.
Penny swears he has a thing for me but I could swear he is gay. He loves to watch all the old 80’s Rom Coms with Percy and me. He has become a great friend, Becks actually likes him, and he never likes any guys I bring around. Not that I bring anyone around. Well other than Stewart. However, Stewart is my coworker and I just can’t see anyone else in that way, when I know there I only one person out there for me. The one person I can’t have and shouldn’t still crave.
We dig into our meal. Desi makes the best tatter tot casserole. I am going to miss her feeding us. Penny and I are not that great a cooking much, unless it involves ordering out, or using a microwave. But ask me to bake cookies and I am all over that.
“What time do you leave?” I look to Desi.
“My mom is driving us to the airport around noon or so but our flight doesn’t depart until around five.”
“I wish you guys could come to the grand opening for the Speedway tomorrow. There is like ten different bands scheduled to play on three different stages. It is going to be epic,” Penny says animatedly. She got a job at the Raceway that is getting ready to open and they are having some huge concert to celebrate. The official races won’t start until next weekend, but I am excited for the concert.
“What bands?” B
ecks asks.
“No idea that is horrible of me isn’t it, but in all fairness, you know how my mind is these days!” Penny has bride brain. The bitch went and got herself engaged on me to a soldier—well a Marine. Bradly is on active duty serving a tour in Iran. He won’t be home for another six months. He popped the question on Valentine’s Day right before he left. I tease Penny she only said yes because he was leaving.
I am really happy for her; Bradly seems to make her smile.
“Something cool would happen here the moment I am leaving,” Beckett gripes.
“Um, HELLO! I am taking you to another country,” Desi fusses at him. He brushes her chestnut hair back from her face and kisses her cheek. They are so cute together it is disgusting. My heart aches at how sweet they are.
“What’s for dessert?” Penny looks to me expectantly.
“Crap, I completely forgot. Stewart was supposed to get these awesome little cakes things from that cupcake place near his work.”
“Where is Stewart?” Desi winks at me.
“He’s working, Stewart and I aren’t like that,” I tell her softly.
“You sure he knows that?” She says and Becks elbows her in the side.
“I’ll go see if we have any dessert,” I tell them excusing myself from the table. Relationships are a very sore spot for me.
My friends are talking about me as though I can’t hear them in the next room. “I wasn’t thinking. I thought maybe she was you know moving on. Stewart is over here a lot. Should I apologize? I just…Katie is so sweet and I just want her to be happy,” Desi says.
Moving on. If it were that easy, I would have moved on months ago. My heart has a hole in it. Half of my soul is missing. I can’t even think of his name without dying all over again on the inside. I don’t even want to go to that concert tomorrow but I promised Penny. I have been trying to be better about going out and living again. It’s just so hard when all I feel on the inside is dead.
My fingers twist at the pendant that still hangs around my neck.
Beckett tells Desi, “It’s fine sweetheart. You were just trying to help. Katie hasn’t talked about him in months. She is actually putting on weight.”
Him…my chest constricts. Dimples appear briefly in my head. If it were possible I would die a little more on the inside, but I’m numb now. I guess that is why I like hanging out with Stewart so much. He’s safe and there aren’t complications. I can breathe when I am with him. He doesn’t know anything about my past and he doesn’t question why I hate the radio or why I never sing anymore.
I wipe the lone tear from my face and cut up some fruit with dip to snack on. When I walk back into the dining area, they all grow quiet. “You guys don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. I’m fine.” I smile and try not to break. I am so not fine. I am not sure if I will ever be fine, but I’m trying. I honestly am.
“Good, because we are going to have so much fun tomorrow. We get all access passes, thanks to my awesome new boss, Kevin.” Penny is grinning mischievously at me. I can only imagine what she has planned.
“I can’t believe I am saying this, because I am going on amazing trip with my boyfriend tomorrow, but I am so jealous that you guys are going to spend all day tomorrow hanging out with hot rock stars.”
The mere mention of those words—rock stars…my chest grows tight and my face falls. However, I put on a fake smile, trying to seem enthusiastic for my friends. I know Penny misses Bradly so I am trying to suck up my self-pity and be here for her. It is just hard pretending to be happy when half of my soul is missing.
“So hey, we better get going,” Becks says giving me a kiss on the cheek.
“You better bring me back something cool,” I tell him hugging him briefly. “Have a great time Desi. Don’t forget to write.”
Penny walks the two of them out and I start clearing the plates from dinner. Anything to get my mind from those words.
Percy rubs up against my legs purring. I scoop him up in my arms. “You have been a bad kitty today. Penny will make you sleep outside.” He purrs harder and I scratch his ears, touching his nose to mine. “I don’t need a man. Maybe I should just marry you Percy. No wonder Deloris loved you so much. You are the best listener.”
“It is really a good thing that you are going with me tomorrow.” Penny shakes her head and reaches me my cell phone. “Stewart tried to call you.”
I put Percy down and he hisses at Penny. I really wish the two of them would get along better.
Taking my phone, I go up to my room and flop down on my futon.
Me: You totally suck for missing our last meal.
Stewart: I would have much rather been with you. The mare died : (
Me: I’m sorry.
Stewart: Movie marathon tomorrow?
Me: I am actually going to a concert with Penny
Stewart: You hate music
Me: No, I don’t I just haven’t liked it very much lately is all
Stewart: Why? Weirdo…
Me: I am not a weirdo…okay maybe I am slightly a weirdo but very long story hurts my heart to talk about it
Stewart: Might make you feel better to talk about it
Sigh…Stewart just killed our friendship. I was starting to like him a lot too. I do not talk about it ever to anyone including Penny.
Stewart: Are you there?
Me: Sorry I about fell asleep I had a long day
Stewart: well sleep tight Katie
Dropping my phone to the floor, I lay and stare at the ceiling feeling guilty for blowing Stewart off. He really is a nice guy. Nevertheless, he isn’t him…the missing piece of me. My life is seriously such a waste.
Percy comes strutting into my room with his tail raised. “Don’t worry Percy, you are my number one.” I scratch his ears as he snuggles up on my chest. “You’ll never lie to me will you?” He purrs loudly and I take that as a yes.
~**~
Penny comes barging into my room the next morning entirely too early.
“Go away,” I groan and try to cover my head with my pillow.
“Not a chance.” She jerks my pillow from my fingers.
I try to pull my blanket over my head and she steals it away too.
“You suck.” Scrubbing my fingers over my eyes, I try to pry them open.
“You are going to go take a shower and we are getting sexed up for the concert. I refuse to let you go with me looking like a gym instructor in your yoga pants and wife beater.”
“Penny!” I whine.
“No Katie, you are going to wear real clothes and make yourself presentable.” I guess she has a point. My Saturdays are usually spent lounging on the couch downstairs in my sweats watching movies with Percy and Stewart.
“Yes ma’am.” I salute her and trudge across the hall to the bathroom.
“And for the love of all things, shave your legs Katie. You shouldn’t have more hair on you than Percy!” She bickers at me. I just haven’t seen much point. No one touches my legs but me. But maybe Penny is right and I should start caring more about my appearance…I used to care.
After my shower, I feel good. Recharged maybe?
Penny is waiting with her makeup bag and hair rollers when I come out of the bathroom. “I hope you have a magic wand in that bag,” I say with a snicker.
“I just might, smartass.” She points to a chair and I take my seat like a good friend.
After an hour of my life, I will never get back, spent with Penny plucking my brows and teasing my hair, I am allowed to move from the chair, to get dressed.
“Please put on pretty panties and a real bra,” she says with a raised brow.
“We are going to a concert not to get me laid, jeez.” Penny means well so I appease her and wear an underwire bra and black lacey panties under my jeans with the holes in them. Going to a rock concert, guess I had better dress the part. I put on a tight fitting spaghetti strapped white tank top. My hair is blown out in big waves. I have big movie star hair and I have to admit
I look hot when I look in the mirror. I look like a woman.
It does feel good to be getting dressed up and going out. Penny actually had a good idea. I am getting excited.
Penny is actually working and I am tagging along as her guest. She has to wear her red employee t-shirt, but at least she wears red like nobody’s business.
Chapter 28
The traffic leading up to the Speedway is insane. We are only able to get around it because of Penny’s special parking pass. There are rows of tour busses in the lot we pull into. My heart starts hammering in my chest. Is this the life he is living? Is he on the road somewhere on a bus, like these right now, touring the states? The only downside to this day is it has put him on my mind more than I care to admit. My fingers are clutching the pendant around my neck tightly.
Penny finds a parking space and hands me the pass I need to wear around my neck that will get me access to basically anywhere today. Since Penny will be working, I will mainly be on my own, but she has promised she will hang with me, when she can.
Maybe I should have brought Stewart along. He probably would have loved this. I don’t want to give him the wrong idea though. I like having him around and I don’t want to lose his friendship.
Butterflies flutter in my stomach. Taking a deep breath, I get out of the car. As we walk through the sea of tour busses, we are catcalled by a few roadies, and it gives my confidence a much needed boost.
Penny gets us cleared through security and I walk with her so she can check in and I can find out where she will be posted. It turns out Penny will actually get to stay with me. They just want her passing out flyers for the Speedway while we walk around and check out the different bands.
I wonder who is playing. It has been so long since I have allowed myself to enjoy music. I avoid it always…afraid I will hear his band. Afraid I will hear the voice that owns me completely.
‘Want you so bad Kat.’
Four words that I long to hear from his dimpled mouth…my heartaches and my chest is tight, and I cannot breathe remembering his face.
The Suffocation of Katie Page 17
