by Janet Dailey
At night, she turned away from his caresses, and recently had begun to reject even the physical comfort of his arms. Every day he watched her sink deeper into mourning. Nothing he said or did seemed to make any difference. He was frustrated, wanting to help and knowing she wouldn’t let him in.
For her, everything had come to a standstill since the night of the fire, but Raul couldn’t remain in limbo with her. The fire had destroyed more than Rob’s life. All Raul’s polo equipment and gear had gone up in those flames. Although more than half his ponies had been stabled at the club, a third of his polo string had been killed in the fire. All of it had to be replaced. Polo was still his profession. He had to practice and he had to play.
Still dressed in his boots and breeches, Raul entered the house through the French doors and halted abruptly at the confusion that greeted him. Boxes and tissue paper were scattered about the room. The yardman and his helper stood on stepladders, taking down the Christmas garlands and mistletoe that decked the archways, while Emma removed the brightly colored balls from the tree and wrapped them in paper to be put away in the boxes.
“What is this?” Raul demanded.
With lips pursed in disapproval, Emma replied, “Luz has decided she isn’t having Christmas this year. I am to mail everyone’s gift, including Trisha’s. Yours are upstairs.”
“Where is she?”
“In the sitting room.”
Raul went up the steps two at a time and burst into the sitting room, but his impatience died at the sight of Luz curled in a chair wearing her rumpled red kimono and nursing a drink … and looking tortured. He closed the door quietly and crossed the room to the veranda doors. Reaching behind the drapes, he pulled the cord to open them and flooded the room with light. She shielded her eyes from the glare, then shifted to turn her back to it. Raul dragged a chair over and sat down in front of her, demanding her attention.
“Luz, there is something we must discuss.”
“Not now.” She took a drink of whiskey, trying to shut him out.
“Yes, now,” Raul insisted. “This cannot be postponed:”
“What is it, then?” She sighed.
“What do you intend to do about the polo team?”
“The polo team.” Luz frowned at him.
“It is entered in next week’s tournament at the club. Are you going to continue your sponsorship of Rob’s team?” He remembered how involved she had been in it, how much time she had devoted to organizing it with him, and hoped that it would be the key to bring her out of this stupor. “He would have wanted you to, Luz.”
She looked at him for a long minute. It seemed he had reached her at last. Then she shook her head. “No.”
She wasn’t certain anymore that she had sponsored the team solely for Rob’s benefit. It might have been a vague idea before she met Raul, but it was afterward that the plan took shape. The team had been a way of justifying Raul’s presence, a way to keep him with her while she pretended it was for Rob. How many times had she used Rob as an excuse to be near Raul? Meeting him in Paris, flying to Argentina, staying at his estancia, creating the team—all those things she had done in Rob’s name when it had really been because of her own desire to be with Raul. She refused to continue the charade. She owed at least that to Rob.
“What about the players?” Raul argued. “You have made commitments to them.”
“I’ll compensate them for the time they’ve lost. They’re good players. I’m sure they’ll find positions on other teams.” Uncoiling her legs, she stood up and walked to the drink cart.
Hanging his head, Raul breathed in deeply in defeat. Although she hadn’t said it, she had meant that for him as well. It was true he would have little difficulty joining another team, and there were plenty of tournaments between Palm Beach and Boca Raton to keep him here through the winter season. Maybe by spring, she would be over the shock of Rob’s death and come to terms with her grief, and her guilt.
Luz walked behind the counter bar in the living room and splashed more whiskey in her glass. “Are you sure I can’t fix you something, Mary?” She glanced in her sister’s direction, at the moment welcoming any diversion that would lead the conversation away from her failure to attend Christmas dinner at Audra’s this year.
“No, thanks.”
Christmas meant children. Children meant Rob. The holiday had been agony to her without him. Luz sipped at the whiskey, needing the depressant to ease the awful ache. She took the bottle with her when she walked out from behind the bar and crossed the room to sit in a chair opposite Mary.
“Where’s Raul this afternoon?”
“Playing in a tournament at the polo club.”
“You should have gone with him, Luz. You need to get out more. You can’t stay cooped up in this house forever. You’re turning into a recluse, and I don’t like it.”
“I couldn’t have sat in those stands, Mary, without remembering all the times I watched Rob play.” Tears filled her eyes while her throat became choked with pain. “Why did I have to find out after he was dead that Rob was using drugs?”
“Parents are usually the last to find out, Luz. Maybe we don’t want to see it because we don’t want to believe it can happen to our children. God knows, we’re all afraid it will.”
“The signs were there,” Luz went on as if she hadn’t even heard Mary’s response. “The personality change, the paranoia, the secretiveness. I see them all now.”
“Luz, you must stop blaming yourself. It wasn’t your fault,” Mary protested.
“But it was,” she said flatly. “Don’t you see, Mary? I’ve failed at everything. I wasn’t a good wife to Drew. And I wasn’t a good mother to Rob.”
“That isn’t true.”
“Yes, it is. Those outbursts of anger from Rob, they were cries for help, but I wasn’t listening. I didn’t want to hear because it was too inconvenient. Rob accused me of being selfish, and he was right. I was happy and I didn’t want anything unpleasant intruding on that, so I pretended it would all go away if I ignored it long enough. He needed me and I wasn’t there,” she declared bitterly.
“Stop torturing yourself with guilt like this, Luz.” Mary leaned forward and gripped the hands that clutched the whiskey glass so tightly. “Chances are there wasn’t anything you could have done even if you had known.”
She stared at her sister. “You don’t understand, do you? As long as I had Raul, nothing mattered unless it affected my relationship with him. Rob’s behavior upset me because I thought it might cause problems for us. I pretended my children’s opinions mattered, but I had already forsaken them emotionally. All I cared about was what I needed … and I needed Raul.”
Rising to her feet, Luz brushed aside Mary’s hands and walked swiftly from the room, breaking into a sobbing run when she reached the stairs. The tears didn’t help, and the whiskey couldn’t dull the wretched pain. She simply couldn’t forgive herself for the way she had failed Rob.
She sent away the supper tray Emma brought up to her, but a few minutes later, Raul entered the room carrying it. “You have to eat, Luz.” He was still dressed in his polo attire of brown riding boots, white breeches, and blue knit shirt.
“I’m not hungry. Take it away.” She wouldn’t let herself look too closely at him as she reached for the whiskey bottle on the nightstand beside the bed.
“No more.” He took it away from her and slammed it down on the stand. “There is nothing in there but misery.”
“Without it, there is more misery.” But she didn’t reach for the bottle. Instead, she cradled the empty glass in her hands and stared at it. “I want you to leave, Raul,” she said tightly.
He sighed heavily. “I will leave the tray—”
“No, I mean I want you to leave this house.” Luz finally looked up and saw his stunned, disbelieving look. “Can’t you see it’s no good for us?” she protested angrily.
“Why?” he asked quietly.
“Because it happened too fast. The ink had
barely dried on my divorce papers when I met you. I was frightened and alone, and I rushed into this without thinking. Emotionally it was too soon. It was a mistake, and I’m paying for it.”
“And I have nothing to say in this.”
“I need to be alone so I can think without having you around to influence me,” Luz insisted and raked her fingers through her hair in agitation. “Just go away! Go away and leave me alone! I don’t need you anymore. I don’t want you here! What else do I have to say to make you leave?”
“Nothing.” He broke his rigid stance to move toward the closets. “It will not take me long to pack.”
Taking the whiskey bottle, Luz went into the sitting room and tried very hard to drink herself into oblivion, but she was still conscious when Raul walked out the door with suitcases in hand. She wept long and bitterly, crying for the past and all the pain it had caused.
In the following weeks, her tortured grief failed to lessen. The whiskey became her sole companion and confidant, greeting her in the morning, sharing her agony in the day, and lulling her to sleep at night. Luz rarely left the house and refused all calls. Half the time she didn’t bother to get dressed or to brush her hair. She simply sat and thought and remembered.
There were so many incidents that took on new significance when she looked at them in retrospect. She remembered that afternoon when Rob had walked into the hotel room in Buenos Aires and found her and Raul together. She recalled how abusive he’d been before he’d stormed out, then how ebullient he’d been when he returned, blithely accepting the affair he’d earlier condemned. He must have been high on cocaine then, but she hadn’t questioned the radical change of mood. No, she had been relieved because it meant he wasn’t going to make things awkward for her and Raul.
And those hours he’d been gone, claiming he was with Tony. She recalled that he had spent a lot of time with Tony away from the polo field. There had been evenings at the estancia when Rob and Tony had acted like a pair of schoolboys out on a lark. Luz suspected now that they might have been sniffing cocaine. Tony could even have been the one who supplied it. At the time, she hadn’t paid too much attention to their antics, because she was thinking about later in the evening when she would meet Raul in her room.
All the spare time Rob spent at the stable after they returned from Argentina—she realized he must have gone there to use the drug. It was where he had stashed his paraphernalia. He had rarely been at the house in the evenings, but she had never bothered to check on him because it meant she had Raul to herself, just the two of them together.
Always, always the thought of Raul, of being with him, and it had blinded her to the things she should have noticed. So she drank, never getting drunk but drinking just enough to deaden some of the pain. She had failed Rob.
There were odd moments when Luz knew she should get herself together for Trisha’s sake, but she couldn’t make the effort. She had lost her son. And Trisha didn’t need her. She never really had. She was back at college, too far away to matter greatly.
Moving with stiff care, Luz descended the staircase to the foyer, her hand constantly gripping the railing for balance. When she saw the suitcases sitting by the front door, she frowned in hazy confusion.
“Emma?” she called and heard brisk footsteps in the galleria. Turning, she saw the plump woman as she entered the foyer. Her frown deepened when she noticed the light suit and hat Emma wore. She glanced back at the luggage and rubbed her fingers against her left temple, trying to clear her head. “Is it your vacation time already?”
“No.” The expression on the woman’s face was what Luz had always called her no-nonsense look. “I have quit. I gave you my notice two weeks ago. I doubted at the time that you were sober enough to understand. So I took the liberty of notifying Mrs. Kincaid of my resignation. I believe she is arranging for someone else to come in and stay with you.”
“You’re leaving? But you can’t,” Luz protested, the shock sobering her.
“I was not hired to be a nurse and bartender. For three months, I have waited for you to come to terms with your grief, but it appears that you prefer to wallow in self-pity. You are not the only woman who has ever lost a loved one. Life goes on. And I intend to get on with mine. I am a social secretary and house manager. I am not going to allow those skills to go to waste. I need the stimulation of challenging work.”
“You can’t go. What will I do without you?” Emma had always been there, it seemed, making sure everything ran smoothly. Luz couldn’t imagine the house functioning without her.
“I suggest you go to work,” Emma retorted.
“What?”
“I’m well aware of the fact you’re a Kincaid, so my advice hardly applies to you,” she replied with some irritation that she had even mentioned it. “But work, a stimulating occupation, is what a person needs when she has lost someone she cared about very much. I’m not saying that it makes the pain or the grief any better. But it stops you from being so absorbed in yourself, and eventually you can deal with your loss. Yes, it would be best if you had to get a job.”
“A job? Can you imagine Luz Kincaid Thomas looking for a job?” The idea was ridiculous, she couldn’t help mocking it. “My God, that’s rich.”
“I am sure you find it very amusing,” Emma said stiffly.
“Be honest, Emma.” She tasted the bitterness of remembering how Trisha had once described her life as doing nothing all the time. “What am I qualified to do? Hire out as a social secretary?”
“If that’s what interests you. It has to be something you enjoy, whether it’s cooking, gardening, or whatever.” The woman stopped abruptly and sighed. “I’m wasting my breath. You probably aren’t sober enough to remember this conversation. Goodbye, Luz. I did enjoy our past association. Mrs. Kincaid has kindly agreed to provide a reference, so you needn’t concern yourself about it.”
Motionless, Luz watched Emma pick up her suitcases and set them outside the front door, one by one. When she carried out the last one, a taxi pulled up the driveway. As the driver began loading the luggage in the trunk, Luz went to the door.
“You’re really leaving, aren’t you?” she murmured.
“Yes. I’m sorry,” Emma said, then walked to the cab.
As the taxi drove away, Luz slowly shut the door and turned to face the empty house. Everyone had left her—Jake, Drew, Rob, Trisha, Emma, Raul. Or had she driven them away? Had she rejected them? Or was it a combination? She couldn’t think. Her head pounded.
She moved away from the door, her steps slowing as she neared the living room. She looked down at the robe she was wearing, the drink stains on the red material. Her hand went to the straggly tangle of her unbrushed hair. It was early afternoon and she hadn’t even attempted to dress.
Work. She laughed shrilly at Emma’s parting advice. Who would ever hire her to mop floors looking like this? “Something you enjoy.” What had she ever enjoyed doing? What had there ever been in her life beside home, family, and social functions? There were so few activities she had ever truly enjoyed—helping Rob with his polo ponies, fox-hunting in Virginia, working with Jake at Hopeworth Farm.
Hopeworth Farm. Her eyes filled with tears as she remembered those early carefree days at her childhood home. She looked around the beautifully decorated room, so empty of life and love. She wanted to go home.
Nothing was keeping her here, she realized. Not anymore. With quickening steps, she walked to the study and headed straight for the telephone directory atop the desk. She opened the yellow pages to the airline listings and picked up the phone, dialing the number.
“Reservations? Yes, I’d like to know what flights you have going to Virginia. Richmond.”
Ten days later, Luz rang the doorbell at her mother’s ocean-side estate. The maid answered its summons and showed her into the sunroom. Audra looked up from the stack of correspondence she was answering and lowered her glasses, as if they were deceiving her.
“Hello, Audra.” She smiled sunnily,
her heels striking a quick tattoo on the tiled floor.
“Luz.” She rose to greet her. “I thought you were in Virginia.”
“I was.” After a warm peck on the cheek and a brief hug, Luz moved away, setting her purse on the table and clasping her elbows with her hands, trying to contain the eagerness she felt. “As a matter of fact, I’ve just come from the airport.”
“The trip certainly seems to have done you some good,” her mother remarked. “You’re almost glowing with health.”
“I’m feeling better,” she admitted, although the grief was still with her, still haunting her waking hours. “Audra, I want to lease Hopeworth Manor from you.”
“What?”
“And I want to train some of the colts that I feel would be good polo prospects. You can have Stan Marshall—or whoever you like—establish a fair market value for them as they are. After I have trained them, we can sell them and we’ll split the profits.”
“What?”
“Hector once told me that you don’t have to be an expert at polo to train a polo pony. And I believe him. I am good with horses, Audra. I can give them everything but game experience. Later on, I might be able to work out something with one of the polo instructors at the university. But this is something I want to try.”
“Who told you?” Audra frowned. “Luz, are you all right?”
She laughed shortly, suddenly realizing how carried away she had gotten about her project. “I haven’t been drinking, if that’s what you’re wondering. I am very serious about this, Audra. I’m not claiming that I’m going to become the world’s greatest horse trainer, but I need something more demanding than parties, committees, and fund-raisers to occupy my time. And I love horses … and I love Hopeworth Farm.”
“But what about your home here?”
“I’ll sell it.” She had already decided that. Ideally, she’d move to Hopeworth Manor, if Audra agreed to her proposal. If not, then somewhere. “It’s just a house now … a house with memories. I can’t live in the past. Well, Audra?”
