“I screwed up,” I started.
“Yeah, I heard.”
“You’ve got to look out for Ani.”
“No shit, but you should be doing it too. That shit you pulled was completely selfish. You’re not doing Ani any favors by fighting.”
“I couldn’t help it. You should have heard what that prick said,” I practically yelled, pissed at myself because she was right.
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t care what he said and neither should you. We’re supposed to be supporting Ani. Do you see this as helping?”
I inhaled a big gulp of air. “Of course not. I know. I fucked up. Sorry. Can you tell her I’m sorry?”
“You should tell her,” Kate said in a clipped tone that was starting to get annoying.
“She’s not answering her phone. I’ll tell her, but if you see her, could you just tell her I won’t do anything like that again?”
“Fine. But I think you should call that counselor Beth. Maybe she could help you figure some stuff out?”
“Fuck you, Kate. I’m fine.”
“Whatever. Tell that to the kid with the broken face.”
She clicked off and I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom. Pale gray like the sky above the lake. I focused on the point above my head so long, spots started to blur my vision.
I was in hell. I had to figure out how to apologize to Ani and make sure she was okay. I texted her and called her again. I cleaned my room and then sent her an e-mail. No response.
Dad came home and dropped my keys onto my desk. His dress shirtsleeves were rolled up, but the rest of him looked as pressed and polished as always. My gaze moved from him to the triangular stone key ring. Ani had thrown away her necklace at the hospital. Tossed it like it meant nothing to her. Why?
“Would you like to discuss it?” Dad’s voice hitched, tight with an emotion I didn’t understand.
“No.”
“You know better than this.”
Eyes back to the key ring. I bit my tongue and nodded at Dad.
“Your mother talked to you about your punishment.”
I nodded again and he released a long breath.
“We talk to our family.”
“Sometimes,” I said. “But sometimes we need to figure out things for ourselves.”
He pushed his hands into his pockets. “Yes. Sometimes we do. But are you sure this is one of those times?”
I leaned back on my bed and looked at the ceiling again. His disapproval rolled over me in waves. I glanced toward Ani’s picture on the wall, then back to the key ring, and finally to my dad. “Yes. I’m sure.”
He sighed and left the room.
I checked my e-mail and phone again. And again. Nothing.
Ani was radio silent.
14
When my three-day suspension was over, I returned to school early to swim. Nothing seemed to work right in the water. My times were slow, I felt like I was pulling my arms through sludge. Coach read me the riot act about losing those days of practice, and then told me I had better keep myself clean if I wanted to get the scholarship at Iowa. I took a quick shower and went to find Ani before homeroom. Halfway down the hall, I saw her in front of her locker, scrubbing the outside of the door. I took a few steps toward her but felt an arm tug me into the alcove by the water fountain.
“Leave her be,” Kate whispered.
I glanced at Ani, then back to Kate. “What’s she doing?”
“Scrubbing her locker. Someone wrote ‘FIRECROTCH’ on it in permanent ink. She doesn’t want you to see,” Kate answered in a low voice.
“Why the hell not?”
“She’s worried you’ll freak out again.”
I swallowed the guilt gnawing at me and rolled my shoulders. “I’ll be fine. I won’t freak out.”
“She asked me to make sure you didn’t see her. This is humiliating enough for her as is.”
I peeked my head out of the alcove and watched Ani brush away angry tears. I felt like I was being gutted. “So I’m just supposed to sit here and let her take care of this on her own.”
“Yes,” Kate said. “Come find her later. Don’t make this any harder on her.”
“That’s totally ridiculous.”
Kate pointed down the hall in the other direction and shooed me away. I took a step toward Ani. It was a compulsion. I could not let her deal with this on her own.
“Use some common sense. She doesn’t want you to see this. You’ll only make it worse,” she hissed at me, and gave me the stink eye.
“Ridiculous,” I mumbled again, and watched Ani brush away more tears. I stared at Kate, drew in a big breath, and stalked off in the opposite direction. What the hell kind of boyfriend could I be if Ani wouldn’t let me help her?
After second period, I searched her out. She looked like shit, like she hadn’t been sleeping and hadn’t brushed her hair for the entire time I was gone. Her eyes were still red from crying earlier. She barely nodded at me when she saw me standing at her locker. The writing hadn’t come off but had been blacked out with marker. I pretended not to notice it.
“Hey, how come you didn’t call me back?” I asked as soon as she got close enough to hear me.
She shrugged and started to spin the combination on her locker.
“Well, are you okay?”
She looked up at me and raised her eyebrows.
“You know what I mean. Did anyone else give you a hard time?” People stared at us as they passed in the hallway. I wanted to lash out at all of them. Scream at their stupidity, their horrible backstabbing judgment. The blacked-out word made me feel like they were just as bad as the fucker who’d raped her in the first place.
Would Ani even mention it? At the very least, I could ask a janitor to paint over it. Then she wouldn’t know I was involved. But Christ, why couldn’t I be involved?
“Why do you care?” she said, finally breaking her silence. “Are you looking for more drama? To add more fuel to the rumors about me?”
“I was trying to defend you—” I started to explain.
“Don’t bother,” she interrupted.
I watched two guys pass and check out Ani from behind. My fists tightened but I didn’t move. I took a deep breath and exhaled through my mouth. At this rate, I wasn’t going to make it through the week without another fight.
“Did you look through that stuff Beth gave you?” I asked, trying to release the tightness in my shoulders.
I’d started reading stuff on the Internet about rape victims during my suspension. It had gotten to be too much after a while, but I’d read enough to know that Ani needed to talk to someone.
“The drug screen was negative,” she said, and shoved a book into her backpack. “No date rape drugs. Just me table dancing and announcing my sluttyness to the room.”
“A negative screen doesn’t mean anything.”
Tears coated the tip of her eyelashes, and she pressed her palms into her eyes. “Still a negative screen, though.”
I nodded, trying not to show any emotion. A positive drug screen would have made everything so much easier. And it would have squelched the doubt that had been sitting in my gut since Kate first told me what had happened. But Beth had said date rape drugs disappeared from the body fairly quickly, so negative drug screens were common. It sucked not knowing for sure, but I held on to what Beth said and tried to push past the uncertainty in my mind.
“Do you need me to carry that?” I asked, pointing to her backpack.
“I’m not an invalid,” she snapped. Then her eyes softened. “Sorry. I don’t mean to yell at you. None of this is your fault.”
I didn’t say anything but turned to walk her to her next class. It was my fault. We both knew it. Nothing would have happened if I’d been at that party. A part of me wished she’d say it out loud. I dese
rved her venom. I’d left her to be raped, and even if she refused to blame me, her silence condemned me.
•••
Kevin called out to me outside of fourth-period gym class. He approached slowly. He’d been trying to get a hold of me for a few days, but I’d avoided him. His face was full of pity when he reached me. I flinched. Was this how everyone was going to be with me now?
“What do you want?” I asked when he stood in front of me with his hands pressed together.
“I heard what happened.”
“Did you hear from Kate or one of the assholes who’re saying she fucked a lighter?”
He looked down. “Them first, but then I asked Kate what really happened because I didn’t believe it.”
“Everyone still talking about it?”
He shrugged. “I guess. It’ll blow over eventually.”
I clenched my jaw. Yeah, it’d blow over with them, but what about Ani? Was she going to be left an angry shell of a girl?
“What did she tell her mom?” Kevin asked. He slid his foot halfway out of his untied shoe and shoved it back in.
“Nothing. She doesn’t want to say anything.”
“You don’t think she’ll find out? Won’t she get hospital bills or whatever?” Kevin looked at me in surprise. I understood, I couldn’t believe Ani would keep Gayle from all of it either, but she’d been determined not to tell her. I hoped it wouldn’t last. Ani needed help.
“No hospital bills. This rape counselor said the state covers hospital costs for rape victims. It’s some sort of law. Plus, it was county, so you know . . . and I guess Ani’s old enough not to have needed a parent in the hospital with her. Even when they did the procedure.” It sounded cold and medical and nothing like what’d really happened, but I didn’t know how else to talk about it.
“That’s messed up,” Kevin said. “She should tell her mom.”
I nodded. “What’s everyone around here saying? Is it just the lighter thing?”
“Yeah, pretty much. I heard some other seniors say she stood on a table and announced to the party she was going to hook up with a bunch of guys, but then someone else said that was a lie. No one seems to have seen anything else. I don’t think anyone from school was in the room when it happened or whatever.”
In the room where she’d maybe gotten off with a lighter. In the room where she’d probably passed out and some prick decided he should have sex with her and leave a present inside her.
I pressed my eyes shut so tight splotches of light colored my vision when I finally opened them.
“Okay. Thanks for telling me, I guess. Do you think you could find out who was there? Not in the room, but at the party.” I needed to let it go, but I couldn’t. Someone had to have seen something more. Someone had to have been there for some of it.
“Yeah, I’ll ask around.”
“Thanks, man.” I held out my hand and he bumped it.
“No problem. I’m sorry, Beez. This whole thing sucks.”
It did suck. It more than sucked. It attacked me from the inside like a parasite. Every person I passed in the hall became someone who maybe knew something. Every time someone said, “What’s up?” I searched their faces for a deeper meaning. I was becoming a lunatic.
•••
I found Ani at lunchtime, sitting with Kate. The cafeteria was packed because it’d gotten too cold to sit outside. Tables full, bodies pressed together, loud voices and crappy melted-cheese smell wafted over everything. The usual swarm of normalcy. And somehow it all felt wrong. Out of sync and plastic.
“How’s it going?” I asked, sliding onto the bench next to Ani. She stiffened and moved slightly away.
“Fine,” she answered, staring at her untouched food.
“Classes okay?” I looked at Kate, who shook her head slightly.
Ani shrugged and rolled her sandwich bread into half a dozen little balls. My gaze landed on her neck.
“How come you don’t wear your necklaces anymore?”
Her hand moved to her throat. “Turns out it was all bullshit. The stuff about us being connected. We’re not. We’re all on our own.”
On our own. Of course she’d think that. I hadn’t given her a reason to believe otherwise. Neither had Kate, honestly.
I put my hand on her knee and nudged her gently. “Things will get better.”
She slid her knee from underneath my hand. I ignored her frostiness and moved an inch closer to her. She leaned farther away. It was like approaching a skittish dog. I released a breath and turned back to my lunch.
She lined up her chips and rolled the sandwich balls over them. Then she wadded everything together and tossed it in the trash. Every movement seemed so deliberate. Like she was somehow reminding her body how to do normal things. She stood to leave. I didn’t know if I should follow, but she turned back to me suddenly.
“Are you coming?”
I took one large bite from my sandwich, tossed the rest, and followed Ani out of the cafeteria. Kevin caught my eye as I was leaving. He pointed to Ani in question. I shook my head and moved closer behind her, pretending that hundreds of eyes weren’t watching us as we walked out.
She guided me to the slatted benches in the front entrance hallway. She pulled me down next to her and took one of my hands between both of hers.
“Don’t say anything, okay?”
I nodded and she squeezed my hand tighter.
“I just want to sit with you for a while without having to say anything.”
I shifted closer to her so that our hips were touching, and this time, she didn’t draw away. Silence. Comfortable silence. Like how we were. A long breath of relief escaped my lungs.
Then the bell rang.
“Beez,” a voice yelled from down the hall. A sea of faces poured out of the cafeteria. “You better wear a condom. You don’t know what kind of diseases your little cum Dumpster is carrying around.”
Ani gasped, dropped my hand, and stood up. Her body shook. I thought she might tear down the hall and beat the shit out of someone, but instead she crumpled onto the bench.
I didn’t know whether to go after the douche bag who’d torn apart the first moment of peace we’d had in days or to hold Ani so tight she’d forget what he said. In the end, she made the decision for me. She crept into my lap like a little girl and wrapped her fingers into my shirt, unwilling to let go.
I drove her home and she kissed me goodbye, but it was a weird kiss, sort of desperate and empty at the same time. She didn’t ask me to come in, but I thought maybe it was because we were both grounded and I needed to get back for swim practice. I hoped she wasn’t worried about me saying anything to her mom. Ani had asked me not to say anything to anyone, and I was going to keep my promise to her even if I wasn’t sure it was the best choice. It was the only thing I could do.
15
Our life became a routine. I followed Ani from class to class, shielding her from the whispers and stares. At lunch she played with her food and then left before the period was over. I drove her home after school and raced back to get to practice on time.
“Your times are down, Baptiste,” Coach said to me one day after practice.
“I know.” I looked past him at the championship banners on the wall. Giant blue-and-gold triangles announcing every year we’d won state. The felt numbers of the past three years taunted me. But it was better than the disappointment on Coach’s face.
“You’re not in the pool enough,” he said.
“There’s a lot going on right now.” I finally met his eyes. They were filled with concern. I grabbed the back of my neck and squeezed the tight muscles. Muscles that never relaxed anymore, even when I was swimming.
“ ‘A lot going on’ is not a good excuse. Your swimming needs to come first if you want that scholarship.” His face was still red from screaming at u
s for ninety minutes, but his voice was low and understanding. “This isn’t club anymore. We’re in the real season, and every minute in the pool counts.”
“I know.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” My voice sounded raw. Brittle from all the energy it required to make it through every day with Ani.
“Fine. But it’s an open offer. I’m here if you need me.”
“Thanks.”
I walked toward the showers and turned one on so hot I had difficulty breathing. My skin burned but I stayed beneath it for as long as I could, pushing everything from my mind but the physical sensation of scalding heat.
•••
“I was thinking you should practice stick shift again,” I said to Ani as I walked her to math class the next day.
I’d been steering her toward alternate routes, back stairways and low-traffic hallways, to avoid as many people as possible on the way to class. Ani made me cut it out after I’d gotten three tardy slips, so now we were in the middle of a busy corridor.
“We’re still grounded,” Ani answered. Her shoulders were scrunched up and I wanted to touch them to make her relax, but I wasn’t sure how she’d take it.
“I know. But after. I thought it’d be good for you to try again so we could be ready for the summer road trip.”
Ani stopped and stared at me. No bubbly excitement about camping. No talk of the Christmas Story house. No promises of all the places we’d explore together. Just skepticism and distrust. She was going to call the whole thing off. Crap. The rape was going to ruin this, too.
Before she could say anything, I held my hand up. “It’s too soon to talk about,” I said. “I get it. But I’m not letting go of the chance that we might go still. A lot can happen between now and then.” I hated the pleading in my voice. But I hated the idea that she was going to throw away all our plans, too. Like she refused to believe things would get better.
“Look out! Ani’s coming! Fire in the hole! Take cover! Fire in the hole!” The voice came from the end of the hall. I whipped around to see who had shouted it, but my eyes couldn’t zero in on anything other than the mass of people laughing around us.
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