“Ani,” I said one afternoon when we were sitting on her couch.
“Yeah?”
“Do you want to go check out the Zoo Lights? They’re supposed to be pretty cool. My mom told me they give you hot chocolate and sing carols on the Motor Safari tour.” I was grasping at straws, but I couldn’t stand being in Ani’s apartment any longer.
“I don’t think so, Bumble.”
“Why not? It’ll be fun. Remember? The zoo’s kind of our place.”
Ani stared at me for a long time. Finally she said, “The zoo’s not our place. We don’t have a place anymore. We have an apartment that you visit, but it’s just a holding space. A cage for the two of us to walk around in, staring at each other, wondering who’s going to get out first.” She stood up and got my coat from the closet without saying another word.
As I drove home, all I could think was: How much time would I have to give her?
Niki4347: I didn’t remember anything after my rape. I didn’t tell anyone for a long time because I didn’t want to remember. I just wanted to survive.
“I’m not up for chatting today, Ben,” Ani said before I had walked two feet into her room. “You need to either sleep with me or head back home.”
I stared at the ceiling and counted to ten. “I’m not sleeping with you until we talk about what happened.”
“Jesus, why can’t I be with someone who wants me?” Her eyes filled with tears, and I felt like such a dick, I nearly gave in.
“You know I want you. Don’t turn this around on me. But I won’t have you that way.”
Ani pointed to the door. “Then leave. Now. I’m not up for you today.”
When I got home, I asked one of the online survivors how she was able to move past the rape. I didn’t want to pry, but I was running out of ideas to help Ani. The survivor told me her parents believed her and she got counseling and it was enough. I rubbed my eyes and stared at the picture of Ani tacked on my bulletin board. Why wasn’t I enough for her? I had buried my doubts about what happened at the party so deep, she didn’t even know they existed, and still I wasn’t enough. It killed me.
TaylrGrl99: I didn’t think I could come back from it. For a long time, I didn’t even want to. But people cared and I faced it and made myself whole again.
“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings the other day,” Ani said when I brought her a peppermint mocha and a teddy bear with a ribbon around its neck the day after Christmas.
“I know.”
“I made you something,” she said, and smiled shyly. Warmth moved through me. “I’ve been working on it awhile. I thought it might help you keep warm in the winter.”
She pulled out a lopsided black-and-yellow striped hat. I grinned.
“I knitted it. See, it’s bee colors, you know?”
“Yeah, I got that.” I pulled it on my head. It was at least five sizes too big, but it was the most perfect thing I’d ever gotten from Ani. “It’s awesome. Thanks.”
I leaned in to kiss her and she kissed me back softly. I moved a bit closer and nearly sobbed the minute I felt her change, open up her mouth and shut down her emotions. I pulled back, but she hung on to me and ground herself into my leg.
“Ani, stop. Don’t make this into that. I kissed you because I love the hat. I love that you made something. You haven’t done that in forever. No necklaces or painting or anything. This is a really big deal. I don’t want anything else from you.”
Her huge eyes filled with tears. I tried to hug her but she stepped away from me.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice shaking. “That’s all I have for you right now, Beez. That’s all I have to give.”
I left Ani’s house that night wearing the hat. She didn’t say anything about it. I’d damaged her by stopping sex this time and I didn’t know how to undo it.
Kevin was waiting for me when I got home.
“You don’t look sick,” he said as soon as I walked into my living room.
I shrugged and glanced around. My parents and Michael were playing Uno in the kitchen. Dad’s Haitian music chimed from the speakers. “I can’t swim.”
“You can swim. You’re not swimming, but you can swim. Jesus Christ, it’s enough, dude. You’ve had enough. You’re my friend so I’m telling you this for your own good. Get out of this. Now.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“The fuck I don’t. That girl’s a mess and she’s pulled you into her vortex of doom, and if someone doesn’t drag you out, the two of you are gonna drown.”
“Oh, Jesus, stop being so dramatic.” I whipped my hat off and tucked it into my coat pocket.
“I’m not being dramatic. I’m being realistic. Do you even love this girl anymore?”
His question hit me in the chest. Christ. Did I? “I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like it matters that much. I think I can help her, get her back.”
“Dude, that’s bullshit bravado. And I gotta be honest, at this point, all I’m worried about is getting you back.”
I stood up and crossed to the front door. “I’m not fucking lost. She is. She needs me. She needs someone to believe her and help her.”
Kevin pulled on his jacket and followed me to the door. “Dude, you have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into. This isn’t fixable. How many more times am I gonna have to have this conversation with you?”
“None. I don’t want to discuss it with you anymore. My girlfriend. My business.”
Kevin barked out a hollow laugh. “Yeah. Your girlfriend. I think there might be a few guys who’d disagree with you on that.”
I pulled my arm back to hit him, but he ducked and darted from the door. “Go to hell!” I shouted after him.
“I’m already there, bro. Visiting you and Ani, the girl you aren’t even sure you love.”
When I got to my room, I texted Sofia from Healing Allies and told her what happened. I’d been thinking about her a lot since telling her my story the night of group. I hadn’t gone back and wouldn’t, but I was frantic to find someone who understood what I was going through. Someone who would tell me I was doing the right thing. She texted back and asked me if I could be with Ani still, even if she wasn’t ever completely whole again. I couldn’t answer truthfully. I felt too guilty and knew I was a complete shit for thinking, I don’t think so.
24
After break, when we got back to school, Ani turned into a complete ghost. She started missing classes. She avoided all of us. She stopped eating with us, stopped showing up at lunch most days. I saw her in the hall with different guys and tried to pretend I didn’t notice. I was paralyzed as to what to do. When I’d finally screw up my courage to break things off with her, she’d do something like take my hand in the hall and tell me she was excited to go to my next swim meet. For every flash I got of the old Ani, there would be hours of the new Ani, cold indifference plastered on her face. But the flashes still existed and I still hoped.
I went to swim practice and couldn’t get my shit together in the pool. Coach told me he was going to recommend someone else for my scholarship. I should have felt bad, but too many other things had taken over that space in my body. A lost scholarship seemed like nothing.
My mom started asking me questions at home. I had no answers. Our family dinners were filled with everyone staring at me while I pretended everything was fine.
“I’ve decided we should go back to Haiti for your spring vacation,” my dad announced one night.
I pushed the rice around on my plate and kept my eyes down.
“Your father and I think we all need to reconnect,” Mom said, watching me spear a green bean.
Michael looked at me. I didn’t say anything. “It’d be a good idea, Ben. Don’t you think?”
I swallowed a tasteless lump of food. “Sure. It’s been a while since we’ve see
n Grandpa,” I said to my dad.
He scrutinized me. I kept my face blank, not letting my dad’s keen perception tear down the house of cards I’d so carefully built with my family.
“And I think we could all use a break from things,” he said with a nod.
I shrugged. I wanted to go to Haiti. I felt different when I was there, part of something bigger. But the thought of Ani on her own for ten days paralyzed me. What would happen to her? Would she even miss me?
My mom got up to get a glass of water. She touched my hand when she returned to the table. “It’ll give us a chance to talk.”
I stuffed the rest of my roll in my mouth and chewed slowly, unwilling to offer my family anything else. I didn’t have it in me to say anything to them. I was too tired to face the consequences of their help.
My mom turned to Michael and dabbed a piece of food off his face with her napkin. He batted her hand away.
“Cut it out, Mom,” he said. “I’m not four.”
I elbowed him and nodded. He grinned at me and rolled his eyes at Mom. Relief tugged at my stomach. The two of us were okay as brothers. At least I had that.
I sat through dinner until I couldn’t stand it anymore, then bolted from the table and retreated to my room.
I continued to go online to rape forums almost every night, asking advice from strangers on what to do. It was stupid. But it was all I had. Everyone seemed to say the same thing: Be there when she’s ready to talk. Then ignoring my growing guilt, I texted Sofia. We spent less time talking about Ani and formed sort of a strange friendship. Neither of us mentioned what I figured we both knew—I was betraying Ani by turning to Sofia. I was too exhausted to care. Sofia was like a secret-keeping sister to me and I had no interest in giving her up.
I still tried to find Ani in between classes. Sometimes she was with other guys. Mostly she was alone. Just like I’d left her at that party. I reminded her I would support her any way she needed me to. She looked through me and almost never responded.
•••
I found her in the art room one day after school and the relief nearly buckled me.
“You’re painting,” I said, walking up behind her.
She jumped a little but turned to me with a smile. “Yeah. I had this dream last night. Crazy. I wanted to paint it.”
“It’s been a long time since you’ve been in here.”
She nodded. I stared past her and blinked at the painting. Harsh blues and blacks swirled around a naked girl. Naked Ani. Slashes of red on the insides of her thighs. I looked closer. Not swirls of blue and black, but dark, horned monsters. Scribbly writing covered the bottom of the picture. I leaned forward, trying to make out the words. At night she was haunted by demons and monsters and the boy who liked to play with fire.
“Jesus,” I whispered.
“It’s not finished yet. I still haven’t added the boy with the lighter.”
“Ani,” I said, and shut my eyes. “I’m sorry. I should’ve been there.”
What the hell else could I say? I should ask about the dream, but I couldn’t. I knew what it was about. Part of me was glad she’d painted it. I hoped it would make things better, make her not have bad dreams. Maybe it could be an outlet for her. But as soon as I thought it, I saw the shutters close over her eyes again.
She picked up a large can of black paint and poured it over the top of the painting.
“What are you doing?”
She covered the painted mess with a cloth and grabbed her bag. “Nothing. It was stupid anyway. Let’s go.”
•••
When I was at school and didn’t have the computer or Sofia, I talked to Kate. Ani had blown her off too.
“The thing that bugs me the most,” Kate said one day at lunch, “is that this totally isn’t her. Ani’s not a sneak-around-and-be-evasive kind of person. She’s called me on my shit from day one. You too. I just don’t get why she won’t let us help her.”
“Maybe she blames you?” Kevin asked.
Kate turned her death stare on him.
He held up his hands. “I’m not saying it’s fair or anything, I’m just saying that a part of her may blame the two of you for not keeping her safe at the party.”
Kate’s eyes brimmed with tears. I handed her a napkin.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I said. “There wasn’t much you could do. It would’ve been different if I was there. But Ani made her own choices at that party. And so did the bastards who messed with her.”
Kate brushed away tears. “I could’ve done something. I saw it happening. I was just so angry about what she said to me. She was being such a bitch. I should have seen she was in over her head.”
I patted her hand and hoped she would stop crying. I couldn’t take much more of girls crying. And I couldn’t think about the events of the party anymore. Ani’s ass in some guy’s hands. Ani table dancing. Ani making out with someone else. The reality of her at the party and the reality of her since the rape were too close for me to think about.
Ani walked up to our table and looked at Kate’s hand in mine. “Are you fucking Kate?”
I reeled back. “Of course not. What are you talking about?”
She shrugged. “Maybe she’ll have more luck with you than I have.”
Her words were like darts piercing my skin. Accusation and defeat seeped into the space between us.
“Why are you being such a bitch, Ani?” Kate asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” Ani responded, and started to walk away. I grabbed her hand and she turned back to me.
“I’m not hooking up with Kate. I’m with you,” I said firmly.
Ani laughed and it nearly swallowed me. “No, you are definitely not with me. But trust me, you’re among the minority. Just ask your friend Kevin.” She winked at him and walked away.
I swiveled in my seat and stared at Kevin. “Don’t even tell me you’ve messed around with Ani.”
He shifted in his seat. “No, man, of course not.” Red splotches popped up on his neck.
“Then what is she talking about?” I asked, clenching my jaw. Dammit. I could barely breathe. It was a constant shit spiral and I needed to get out.
“I don’t know,” he said, his gaze avoiding mine.
“Kevin. What the hell happened?”
“Nothing. I didn’t do anything with her. I swear,” he said.
“Then what?” I looked at him and waited.
Kevin squeezed the muscles on his neck and finally met my stare. “I walked in on her going down on some guy in the locker room during gym class.”
I gaped at him. “When?” I asked as calmly as I could.
“Last week.”
“How’d she know you were there?” Every part of my body shook. I was so disgusted with Ani. So disgusted with myself.
Kevin took a deep breath. “She saw me. The guy didn’t because he had his eyes closed, but she saw me. She signaled me to come closer. I took off. She texted me afterward to ask if I liked the show. It was totally messed up. I didn’t even answer her text.”
I crumbled my lunch into a ball and tossed it in the trash can. I grabbed my coat and Ani’s bee hat from my locker. I walked out the school doors, got in my car, and drove. I didn’t want to go home. I wished I could leave town. I needed to get away. I turned the radio up and pulled to the side of the road and cried. I hadn’t cried hard tears since my dog died when I was nine years old, but I was wrung out. I felt as hollow as Ani looked.
25
I finally wiped my face and called Sofia. Our weird relationship had always been about texting; I’d never called her before. She’d never even suggested it. It always seemed like it crossed a line that I wasn’t quite ready to go over.
She picked up on the first ring. Her voice sounded younger than I remembered and so different from the cracked empt
iness of Ani.
“It’s Ben. Can you talk?” My voice sounded hoarse. I cleared my throat.
“Yeah, I don’t have class until tonight. What’s up? Is Ani okay?”
“She thinks I’m messing around with one of her friends.” I heard Sofia’s little gasp. “And she doesn’t even seem to care,” I blurted out. I shut my eyes to the raw memory of Ani’s indifferent accusation.
“Oh, Ben, I’m so sorry. Did she say she doesn’t care?”
“Not in so many words, but I got the general idea. It wasn’t the worst part, though.”
Sofia stayed silent on the other end. I had to check my phone to see if we were still connected.
“My friend Kevin saw her going down on some guy in gym class. And then she pretty much offered herself up to Kevin afterward. It was disgusting.”
“God, things are really bad with her right now. What did you do?”
A weird grumble came from my throat. “What do you think I did? I took off. I couldn’t stand to look at her or Kevin. I mean, how long do I have to watch this mess?”
“Ben,” Sofia said softly. “I’m glad you called. Don’t get me wrong. I want to help you. But why are you asking me this? Why are you on the phone with me?”
“Because,” I answered, trying not to cry again, “I don’t know who else to talk to.”
“Ani,” she said. “Go talk to Ani. About all of this. Don’t avoid anything. Be honest and see if you guys can start from there.”
“I’m not sure I can,” I said, and this time, I did choke on tears.
“Then tell her that. Tell her it’s tearing you apart and she needs to get help. Don’t give her an ultimatum, but tell her how you feel. It’s the only thing you can do for her now.”
I clicked off with Sofia, and doubt rested in my gut. It’d been going on too long with too much shit piled up. But Ani deserved the conversation, even if she didn’t want it. I was determined to have it out with her one way or another. I couldn’t stand by and watch everything fall apart any longer. Nothing I had done had worked.
I planned on taking Ani home and not letting her go until she agreed to talk to someone about everything. A rape counselor, her mom, the people on the hotline, I didn’t care as long as she did something. There was a good chance I’d lose her after my intervention, but I had nothing left of my Ani, so it didn’t seem like that big a risk.
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