Shaking my head again, I bit into my lip. “It’s over!”
“No,” she hissed, temper sliding into her voice. “It’s never over, Flick. It won’t ever be over. The pain, the hatred. Not unless we end it now!”
I snapped around, advancing on her until her back hit the worktop. “I can’t. Don’t you ever listen? I can’t go back there!”
She didn’t seem scared but there was a fierce glare in her eyes that buried inside me. “We have to go back there! We can’t face the future if we don’t deal with the past.”
Grief and pain swamped me and I dropped to my knees before her. “He’s dead, Dove. It’s over!”
My chest felt too tight, the wheeze in my lungs making it difficult to breathe. My head throbbed with constant bursts of images and echoes of the past.
Her pity and the sadness that poured from her made me turn away. Eventually, she nodded slowly and stood up. “I can’t do this unless you’re prepared to face it, Flick.”
My eyes snapped to hers. “What?”
“This.” She flipped her hand between us. “We can’t ever move on from it if it haunts us. I don’t blame you, Flick. I’ve never blamed you, you know that.”
“Well you should!” I barked. “You fucking should. Because it was my fault.”
She closed her eyes and sighed. “That’s just it, Flick. You won’t ever get over it until you see the truth. And I can’t live in the past with you. Too much has happened and unless you’re willing to move on then it will end up crippling us.”
I couldn’t look at her. Instead, I stared at the floor, my vision blurry. My body locked up when she slid her hand over my head, her soft touch making a whimper catch in my throat.
“I won’t break you, Flick. That’s something I could never forgive myself for. But please, please, accept it for what it was. It – wasn’t – your – fault.”
I remained on the floor long after I heard the door close behind her. I couldn’t shift under the agony of memories. One by one they tore into me like they had a warrant to kill me, the ugly truth searing into my soul and once again making me pay for the guilt in so many ways.
They were so real, so relentless that I couldn’t do anything but sit and allow them liberation. It was time to face up to my failures, to the huge failure that had changed Dove’s life. And not for the better.
Ten years earlier
I WAS SO smashed. So fucking high on coke, and drunk on whisky, that my heartbeat was going crazy, the adrenaline from the snow fighting with the relaxant of the alcohol. The bonfire we’d lit for Dove’s fifteenth birthday celebration made me sweat and the chill in the wind made me shiver.
Dove looked so pretty dancing with Serenity. The full skirt of the gypsy dress she wore flowed around her as if it danced with her. Her head was tipped back as she laughed openly at something Ren had said. Trixie had actually surprised us both with a light blue dress for her. She wasn’t actually fifteen until the following week but for some reason Trixie had wanted to celebrate early.
I’d been in love with Dove for years. I longed for her sixteenth birthday, the day I could finally tell her, and show her, just how much. It was getting harder and harder to contain it. I saw the way the other boys looked at her, but I also saw the way she looked at me. She was in love with me as much as I was her, and that only made it harder to stay away from her.
The orange light from the fire danced across Dove’s face, her laughter like the best music ever heard. I stared at her dancing to the music blaring from someone’s cheap stereo.
“Tight little ass, that one.”
I tensed as my father’s voice crawled in my ear. Spinning round, I snatched at his shirt collar. “Leave her the fuck alone. Not her. Never her!”
He laughed, the sound making my teeth vibrate. He was drunk – again. He was always fucking drunk. His eyes widened at my sudden fury. Before I could move his fingers were around my throat, his tight grip cutting off the air to my lungs. I was thrown back when his fist connected with my left eye, my arse hitting the ground with a loud thud.
Embarrassment hit me when it went silent and everyone stared down at me. My father rounded on me again, and when his boot landed in my ribs, I cried out in pain, curling up to defend myself from his rage.
Why couldn’t I just learn to keep my damn fucking mouth shut?
He grabbed at my hair and hauled me upright, just so his fist could ground into my stomach. “Don’t ever speak to me like that again, boy!” he raged, his spit spraying across my face with his rage.
“Mr O’Kane!”
I groaned internally when I heard Dove’s soft but urgent voice.
“Please don’t,” she begged. I hated that she put herself in front of me, holding out her tiny hands to try and stop my father from attacking again. Shame bit at me, making the anger at my father deepen into humiliation.
“Dove!” I spat her name out, mortified as everyone stared at us, at a fourteen-year-old girl coming to my defence. “Leave it.” I scrambled up from the floor, glaring at her. “I don’t need you to fucking defend me!”
She blinked, shock and hurt sliding over her pretty face. I hated myself but I could see the sneers and silent sniggers on the others’ faces. My father’s mocking laughter curled around me as I broke through the crowd, pushing past people in my rush to get away.
“Flick!” Dove shouted after me.
Her tiny hand curled around my wrist and I spun around. Tears bubbled in her eyes but they didn’t spill over. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you. He was hurting you and…”
“What are you?” I hissed in her face. “You’re nothing! You have no right to step in like that. You fucking humiliated me!”
She gulped, stepping back. I knew it was the coke talking, making me paranoid and full of anger, but I couldn’t seem to stop the words from tumbling out.
“When you bend over and my cock makes you come for me, only then can you make claim!”
She gasped, swallowing before she nodded and the tears spilled over. Then she turned and ran.
A deep ache settled in my chest as I watched her run, but then my eyes slid to Wendy who was watching me from the side of her van. She gave me that fucking smug grin of hers that I hated. I stormed over to her and grabbed her hand, pulling her behind the caravan.
“You think it’s funny, bitch?”
She chuckled when I spun her round and yanked her short denim skirt up over her tight arse, scoffing when I found the slut wore no knickers. Before she could answer me I was saddled up and inside her, both of us grunting at the shocking intrusion.
I pounded into her, needing to get rid of the pent up frustration. Wendy loved it, as always. She was the camp slut and would ride every fucker she could get her legs open quickly enough for. I hated that I used her as well but she was just so easy and eager.
My hand pressed at the back of her head and forced her harder into the cheap metal as our fucking banged loudly and the van rocked to our hard rhythm.
“Oh God,” Wendy squeaked out as an orgasm tore through her. “Tell me I’m yours, Flick.”
I stilled, the tears in her eyes hurting me more than it should. I felt like a prick. I’d sworn to myself never to be like the others. They used and abused all the girls, and I hated it. Yet I couldn’t seem to stop myself from doing the same thing. For the first time I could see and hear the need in her. She looked at me with a longing that pulled at my gut.
“Please,” she whispered with a desperation that made me wince.
“Shh.” I smiled at her, wiping away the tear that slid down her cheek. “I’m yours, Wendy.” I didn’t mean it but I couldn’t hurt her like the others did. I hated that I was breaking her, just like everyone else, so I did anything I could to stop her distress. “I’ll always be yours.”
A sound to the left of me made us both still and turn. I’ll never forget the pain on Dove’s face. Her face was wet with tears as the twinkle that was ever present in her b
eautiful eyes dulled before me.
I never saw that happiness ever again. Never.
She backed away. “I’m sorry. I just thought your dad was…” her voice trailed off the farther away she got.
I couldn’t seem to move, shock and self-hatred forcing me immobile.
I closed my eyes as Dove took off at speed. Pulling out of Wendy, I yanked up my trousers.
“Give her some time.” Wendy wrapped her hand around my wrist, stopping me from going after her. “Trust me, she’s in love with you. Just let her have a moment. She won’t appreciate you watching her cry.”
I stared at her then looked back in Dove’s direction. She’d disappeared.
“Trust me!” Wendy urged when she sensed me itching to go after her. “She won’t like you very much right now.”
She was right. I’d hurt her, both with my reaction to her with my father and then fucking Wendy when she knew I was in love with her.
I blinked when Wendy dragged a stone over and formed a couple of lines of coke, muttering as she chopped and paid attention to the perfect line. Handing me a rolled fiver, she nodded when I dipped down and snorted both lines quickly.
“She doesn’t have any right on you, you know?” she said quietly. “She’s fourteen, Flick. A kid. She can’t expect you to wait for her. It’s just sex, after all. It’s not like you proposed to me.”
I leaned back onto the van, allowing the high to ease the tension.
“I mean, come on. She’s supposed to be your best friend and it looks to me like she’s keen on killing it, or she’s hell bent on fucking you.”
I closed my eyes and rested my head back.
“She’s not yet fifteen. If she offered herself to you then, really, that would make her the biggest slut on camp. Yet, she gets pissed when you see to the needs men get.”
I nodded. She was right, I supposed. What the fuck did Dove expect me to do? It wasn’t like we could ever have a relationship. She was a kid. And I was nineteen. It was just fun.
“And if she cared for you, you’d think she’d want you to be happy anyway! It seems to me that she wants you to be fucking miserable for the rest of your life!”
Closing down to Wendy’s rant, I released a sigh and let the drugs do their job, taking me away from the hell I always found myself in.
Wendy had gone and a chill had seeped into the air when I came to. I couldn’t have been out of it for long because the high from the drugs and whisky was still making the world seem like a better place.
Pushing myself up from the ground, I wobbled around the van. The party was still in full swing, the singing louder now that more alcohol had flowed.
I looked around for Dove, my anger at her still in full force, but when I couldn’t see her I decided to call it a night and made my way home.
The noise from the party petered out and the crickets from the next field chirped loudly, making me wonder how they could withstand the cold. Pushing open the van door, a sound in the darkness made my heart still. Usually my dad would be gone until the next morning, prostitutes his usual night-time routine, so I was surprised he was home, especially sitting in the dark.
But I jolted when I turned on the light, the crappy bulb only providing a dim light to soften the darkness. Dove was huddled in the corner of the floor, her knees drawn up to her face. Her face was down, her soft crying making me angry. How dare she come here trying to make me feel in the wrong? She needed to grow up, and fast.
“What the fuck, Dove?”
She quietened, her eyes slowly lifting to me. I blinked at the utter horror in them. Surely I couldn’t have hurt her that much?
“Oh, Christ. It was just Wendy. It was just a fuck, Dove! What do you expect me to fucking do? You’re fourteen for fuck’s sake! So you’re saying what? That you want me to take the innocence that I love about you and kill it? Is that what you want?”
She flinched at my anger but she didn’t move.
“Well?”
She scuttled back, burying herself deeper into the wall. The drugs were morphing everything in my head, paranoia and resentment growing until I was furious. I needed this girl like I needed my next breath. Life wasn’t fair, and I took it out on Dove like it was her fault she was born two years too late.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”
I stilled when she whispered, “A friend.”
She scrambled to her feet, her crying turning to loud sobs that seemed to be choking her. I frowned. The front of her new dress was torn and her fingers were scratching at it as she tried to cover her small chest.
“Dove?”
It was then I noticed the blood on the front of her dress. Something caught in my throat when the light revealed a swollen eye and a split lip.
I never knew what instinct had felt like before then but the fury that roared through me at the sight of her had my eyes hunting in the darkness for him.
“Where is he?” My voice sounded strange, even to my own ears.
She swallowed and I only just caught her when she went down before me. Her uncontrollable screams haunted my dreams for months, the tight clawing of despair up her throat making something inside me die and never return.
A calmness enveloped me. I couldn’t concentrate on helping my friend. All I wanted was vengeance. I wanted to tear my father’s cock off and burn it on the fucking bonfire that everyone was singing around.
“I just came to say I was sorry.” She hiccupped before she wriggled out of my grasp and ran to the bathroom. Her loud retches brought the lining of my stomach up my throat. This was all my fault. If I hadn’t hurt her so much she would never have come to my van alone.
Anger burst when she emerged back from the bathroom. I couldn’t help myself as I grabbed the tops of her arms. “I told you to never come here alone!” I hissed at her. “Why don’t you ever listen? You shouldn’t have come here!”
Her head flung back when I shook her too hard. The adrenaline running through me was uncontrollable. I needed to get to him but Dove just got in the way.
“I always told you!” I spat, unable to stop myself. “This is all your fault!”
We both froze. I hadn’t meant to say that. Everything was just bursting from me in a string of anger I couldn’t control. Guilt made me stupid, made me want to lash out. And I had, but at the wrong person.
She nodded. She fucking nodded. Heartache and agony seared something inside my chest when she slowly turned and left.
And I couldn’t do anything but watch her go.
Present Day
JEM CLICKED HER tongue as we stared over the accounts. “Total accumulated,” she murmured, giving me a large smile.
“Really?”
She pursed her lips, pointing to the sum of my bank balance. “Yeah. You did it.” There was sadness and nervousness in her voice. “Although I’m tempted to knock a few noughts off it.”
I sighed, returning her sorrowful expression. Pulling her against me, I held her tight to me. “I love you. I can never thank you enough for this.”
She smiled past her tears and nodded, but quickly swiped at them and looked away when Ren walked in humming loudly.
“Hey, ladies.” She grinned over at us.
“You okay?” Jem muttered as she concentrated on the pile of paperwork without looking up.
“Yep,” Ren replied cheerily. “I’m off to Manchester tomorrow, Jem.”
Jem glanced up at me. She knew then why I had chosen to do this tomorrow.
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I’ll be working my placement under Professor Farquhar.” Ren’s excitement was uncontainable and I couldn’t help but grin with her. “Can you imagine? Me, working under the most famous doctor out there!”
Jem, unable to ignore Ren’s enthusiasm, nodded.
“I was stumped when he rang me out of the blue and offered me the position,” Ren said as she grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.
I scowled at her. “Are you on that stupid diet again?”
She
sighed, nodding sadly. “It’s okay for you, you’ve never had to fight with your own body.”
Jem laughed and I scowled at her, knowing exactly what she was thinking.
“Ren, curves are sexy.” I coughed. “Does Gary know you’re on a stupid diet?”
She spun around, her eyes narrow. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”
I held up my hands, catching Jem smirking as she pretended to make herself busy. “Nothing, just that I think he likes you the way you are.”
Her cheeks flushed and her eyes widened. Her mouth popped opened and shut and she stared.
A huge grin lit my face. “Oh my God, Gary does LOVE your curves!”
My phone rang, saving me from Ren’s heated answer and I couldn’t help but smile at the name that scrolled across my screen. “Well, hello, Mr Anderson.”
I could hear his own smile in his voice. “Well, here was me thinking you wouldn’t answer, and I had this perfect little speech in place for your voicemail.”
A grin hit my face and I turned away from Jem and Ren’s waggling eyebrows. “Come on, Jamie.” I smirked. “You were just about to ask what colour my undies are and give me a long stretch of heavy breathing, weren’t you?”
His answering snort made me chuckle to myself. “Actually, I was going to tell you I haven’t been able to stop thinking of you.”
I laughed with him. His voice was husky, reminding me of the bad boy cop I’d met at the nightclub. My skin prickled and when he caught my silence he whispered, “Well?” The sound of his breathy voice made me cough slightly to clear my throat.
“Well?”
His pause was full of a heat I could feel simmering through the phone and over me. “What colour are they?”
I laughed loudly. “Would you like to take me out, Jamie?”
My forwardness made him pause but then his chuckle was back. “Dove, I would love to take you to dinner. Could you possibly make this sad and lonely man feel like he has a friend?”
“That depends,” I whispered when I felt Jem and Ren’s eyes boring into my back.
Dove Page 14
