She hadn’t invited me here to make amends or explain her position. She did it to prove a point.
I stared more closely at her. What did I really know about this girl? Getting to know people was difficult enough, but take away speech and anyone could be anyone they wanted. They could be sweet. They could be Tess, someone I thought I wanted because they wanted me.
Oh, stop it, James. We had something. We can still have something.
Tess grabbed my pen and reattached it to the whiteboard. She erased our conversation and then she got up while I stared dumbly at her. She switched off her desk lamp and stood before me. The setting sun shone in through the thin curtains, giving me enough light to see her by as she slowly undressed. She took her shirt off and dropped it on the bed, giving me an unhindered glimpse of her pale, petite breasts. Despite my shock and irritation I was still a man. My body reacted. I licked my lips and shifted to give my growing erection room. She took her pink sweats off, revealing the fact that she wore no panties.
She was talking and coming for me and I was trying to think around the blood loss in my brain. Her lips moved as her naked body came for me. My hands were in her face and then her mouth was on me. “I’m sorry,” she said against my lips. She said other things as well. I caught, “make it up,” and then, “you”.
On their own volition my hands reached up and gripped her waist. My body moved back in response and she followed, straddling me as her lips devoured mine. Her weight pressed into me, making a shot of lust burst through me.
It was so small in comparison to how Becca made me feel. As Tess ground against me and I did my best to function around the confusion I realized this was how it would be from now on. Becca showed me what lust felt like, how consuming and damaging it could be. Tess could kiss and her mouth tasted like toothpaste, and sure, having her naked vagina grinding against my hard dick was its own kind of turn on, but these were things any girl could make me feel. I wanted to be clouded by lust, on fire. I wanted Becca to come back and cover me in hickeys.
Tess moved her hands under my shirt and started lifting it over my head. I used the opportunity to breathe. Most men would have picked up their pitchforks and began a bounty for my head for what I was about to do. But those men didn’t know what it felt like to be forgotten and then wanted for the wrong reasons.
I moved out from under her body. She countered my movement and reached down to touch me through my jeans. Shit. Her hands stroked me, silencing my refusal with a deep kiss. As she kissed me she rubbed my hard length. And though I was tempted, all I could really think about was Becca taking me in the parking lot. Her confident stroke, her tight fist, and the smell of her body as I lost myself in her arms. I knew we were done. We’d never even gotten started. But I couldn’t take a step back by sleeping with Tess. That would be like getting my hearing back and then losing it again. I’d never be the same.
“Stop,” I demanded out loud.
She shook her head and wrenched my shirt over my head, pressing her bare breasts against my chest as her lips sucked right over my hickey. It was still tender from Becca. “You stop,” she ordered against my lips, sticking her tongue into my mouth when I protested.
For some reason an overwhelming sense of sadness came over me. I lay there while she kissed down my jaw and chest, lapping at my body with her tongue. I thought we had something. Had I really attached myself to Becca for the wrong reasons? They had felt right to me. But then again, how could I know for sure? When Tess moved down to my buckle, I knocked her hands away and rolled onto my feet. I grabbed my shirt and hastily put it back on.
“What are you doing?” I couldn’t tell if I’d yelled or not. I’d wanted to.
She blinked at me, still on her knees, naked body bathed in the moonlight. She held her hand out and licked her lips. She looked around and then grabbed her red pen, scrawling her answer.
Don’t you want me? You wanted me, James. What changed?
“Nothing.” Nothing technically had changed. Other than the fact that she’d made up her mind. She ignored me and pushed me away over something that I had no control over. Tess wrote me off.
She shook her head.
Get back in bed then. I want to make it up to you.
Sex wouldn’t solve anything. I backed away from her. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” But that felt like a lie. She was doing something wrong right now. Pretending I was a fun pastime and trying to sleep with me to prove her hand were the same kind of wrong.
Yes, I did. You were trying to save me from running into the street. You saved me. I’ve been replaying that moment in my head over and over again. Let me save you now. Please?
She lay on her back and extended her hand toward me. She looked nothing like the last girl who did this. That girl was probably already forgetting me. This one wasn’t forgetting me. She was begging me. Tess wouldn’t leave me on the ground with the silence in my brain.
“Condoms?” I asked.
She rolled over and opened her drawer, pulling out a box. I shut out the sound of my thoughts and ripped my shirt over my head and kicked my jeans off. I took the condom from her hand and held on to it. I wasn’t hard anymore. It would take some work to get me there. Without waiting for her to talk again, I pressed my lips to hers and settled on the bed. I tried to focus on her body; her lips, her warmth, how good it should have felt to be between her legs. This shouldn’t be this hard. I could feel her getting frustrated. Her nails were in my back and her kiss turned rough. I didn’t want this girl. Maybe I never had.
Maybe all I wanted was to be wanted in return. Maybe my shell was a torture chamber. Maybe I had no idea who I was and this was just one more wrong step toward losing myself completely.
Tess struggled to keep me there. I dressed around her, avoiding her as best I could. She grabbed hold of my bicep and pulled me back, saying things I refused to listen to. When I didn’t give in she shoved me out of her dorm and slammed the door in my face. I paused near the elevators to tie my shoes.
When I got home I wasn’t surprised to find the apartment empty.
I tore my old sheets off my bed and redid it with the new set Becca picked out. I ripped the tags off her lingerie and hung it in my closet, giving it space amongst my unused sweatshirts. I was floating, confused by where my night had gone. Past my confusion was a nagging feeling begging me to break down.
Just fall.
You’ve fallen before.
You’ll fall again.
Fall.
I contemplated doing just that when Becca didn’t come home that night. I lay awake for hours. My ceiling opened a vein, drenching me in its burgundy blood. It mocked me with its life, wasting it on me just to prove it lived on even if I didn’t.
When my eyes finally closed I dreamed of someone with golden green eyes pushing me over a cliff. I fell for hours, and I could scream. I could hear myself screaming. I didn’t scream because she pushed me.
I screamed because she hadn’t fallen with me.
Chapter Thirteen
Becca
“This isn’t like you.”
I rolled over onto my side and stared at Claire. Her belly was round and stretching her shirt. Her black bob had grown into a longer more manageable hairstyle. Her piercings had been removed and her makeup was clean and fresh. The badass biker babe I met at Second Chances had become a mom overnight. She rubbed her pregnant belly back and forth, in round comforting circles. It hypnotized me.
“What isn’t like me?”
She shrugged, watching me carefully. “To be honest, you look depressed. It’s not a look I’ve seen on you before. You should call your sister. Fix things before it’s too late. Family is important, Becca. You of all people should know that.” She shoved to her feet and walked over to the patio door. She closed the blinds against the night, cloaking the living room in darkness. After turning on a light she resumed her seat, hypnotically rubbing her belly. “I feel like I’m talking to a wall. Where is your head, babe?”
&n
bsp; I burrowed deeper within the protection of James’s sweater, inhaling his scent with each breath. It was nearing midnight. Dinner with Max and Claire got downgraded to just me and Claire after Max had to stay late at the bar. The walk over here was a blur. Dinner was as well. I think we had chicken, but for all I know we had steak. Claire talked the entire time about what color they were painting the nursery. I mumbled replies when required and pretended her happiness wasn’t taking my breath away.
“Becca?” she demanded. “I’m talking to you.”
Was he with her right now? Did she know I took him first? My mark was all over him. If she went for it I knew why. There was something about a man when he wasn’t yours anymore that made him that much sexier. I’d done it. Dropped men and then picked them back up when someone else played with my toy. The thing was, James wasn’t a shiny new toy to play with when one pleased.
“Becca!” Claire snapped. She swatted me. “Listen to me.”
I swore, if he slept with her I’d…do nothing. Normally it would be revenge time. Break their hearts and shit the pieces out after swallowing them. Breaking James’s heart felt a lot like I was breaking my own. My heart was resilient. It was protected by steel and iron. Men couldn’t break through and even if they could I dismantled them before they got close. But my defenses were down and my cage had opened, leaving me susceptible to every emotion I spent my life running from.
“Rebecca O’Connor, if you don’t answer me right now I’m going to resort to torture.”
This was me when I stopped running. I spent my life scaring my past away, using every method possible to keep going for one more second. Without the chase everything I avoided was using the opportunity to rip me apart. The bad part was I knew the moment I locked eyes with James that this was where he would leave me. Anyone who can suck your soul out and make you perfectly okay with its absence was someone capable of destruction. I’d known it, but I hadn’t fought it. I’m a fighter; have been my entire life. But fighting against James had wrenched the strength right out of me.
Suddenly there was an immense pressure on my chest. I blinked up at Claire and glared, struggling to breathe. “Get off.” Claire had a beautiful body, and though it was still beautiful, she’d gained enough weight to make the pressure on my chest burn. I shoved at her, careful not to hit her belly. “I…can’t…breathe.”
She balanced, using the back of the couch for support. “What’s wrong with you?”
“I…seriously…can’t…breathe.”
She shifted so she was sitting between my legs. I gasped for breath and rubbed my chest where her bony ass had dug into my sternum.
“Tell me,” she insisted. “You’re not even close to yourself right now.”
I moved out from her body and sat up, pushing my hair out of my face. “Do you have any beer?”
“No. Max promised to stop drinking and I can’t, so there’s no point in having any around. You’re avoiding the question. You don’t look good, girl. You haven’t been by. Max told me you were sleeping in your car. What’s going on with you?”
I put my heads in my hands. “I think…I think I might be in trouble.”
“With who? Do you owe anyone money?”
“No. Nothing like that. I meant with a man.” I peeked at her through my fingers. “I think I’m in trouble.”
She frowned, trying to figure out my cryptic admission. When she did, her eyes widened. Claire knew me as well as I let anyone know me. She’d been on me constantly to stop, to settle down, to fall in love. She sat back, stunned. “Well,” she said. “That’s something. Who is it?”
I covered my face in my hands once more. “Kent’s best friend.”
She gasped with all the shock and surprise I expected. “Becca,” she murmured, breathless, “I guess that’s enough to get to you.”
“It’s not just James, though. It’s everything. It’s not having my sister or a place to live, it’s sleeping with men who I know don’t give a shit about me. It’s like everything is converging into this single second with the sole intent to rip me apart.”
“Oh, Becca.” Claire slid over and wrapped her arms around me. “It’s going to be fine. I promise.”
“I can’t do this anymore,” I said. “I can’t stand who I’m becoming or where I’m going. I can’t anymore.” My eyes filled. “I don’t even know who I am. Like, who am I?” I move out of her hold. “Who the hell am I?” I was starting to hyperventilate. “I thought I knew all this time who I was, but really I was just trying to protect myself. I don’t want to protect myself anymore. I want someone else to do it. You know what I mean?” I looked at her, tears spilling down my face. “I want help. I want someone to pick me up off the ground and know they’re going to every time I fall.”
Claire’s eyes filled with understanding. Not pity, but understanding. This’s why I loved her. She was tough too. She had to fight for everything she had after her family disowned her for being with Max. She knew what I was talking about. “Do you think James will help you?”
I looked away. “Men don’t help, Claire. They’re the ones who push you down.”
“Max helps. Max would fall with me, pick us both up, and carry me away. There are good men in this world. Is James a good man?” I nodded, wiping away my tears pointlessly; more followed. “Is this one-sided? Is that why you’re so upset?”
I smiled sadly. “James doesn’t want me. He’s attracted to me, we’re both attracted to each other, but he’s so…like Rain. You know? He’s so good and sweet he has no business being with a woman like me. All I’ll do is destroy him and destroy myself. I sabotage everything. Look, he’s already gone with someone else. Some princess who deserves him. I should just get over him.”
“That sounds like me and Max. My parents detested him. They were so prim and proper. So better than everyone else. I was their spoiled pet project and Max came in and ruined me. But he didn’t ruin me. He saved me. He showed me love. Sometimes the harder option is the best one for you. Sometimes you have to think you’re worth it, Becca, before anyone else does.”
Her advice made sense. Rain was worth it. Claire was as well. I hadn’t stopped to consider whether I thought I was worth it. I always suspected I was. Right? Wasn’t I worth it, or was it more important to make sure Rain was safe? Even now she was my sister, my child, the only reason I existed. I hadn’t given myself time to contemplate what was important to me. Surviving wasn’t going to give me room to think about such things. But Rain was married now. She was an adult. Maybe I should start trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted. We survived our parents. My job might be done. I was breaking down because of it.
“Tell me about him. Wait,” she demanded, bolting up. “We need popcorn. With pickles, and we can dip those pickles in chocolate. Mmm…” She licked her lips while I gawked at her. “Come help.”
After two bowls of popcorn, a jar of pickles, and a bottle of chocolate sauce, we settled back on the couch. I sipped my water, wanting it to be beer, and forced myself to accept it for what it was.
Claire poured chocolate sauce all over her pickle spear and inhaled it, licking her fingers clean. “Talk, woman.”
I sighed. I wasn’t in the mood to eat but I forced popcorn down anyway. “What do you want to know?”
“Hmm. What does he look like?”
A smile touched my lips. “Perfection.”
Claire giggled, pouring chocolate sauce directly into her mouth. “Explain perfection.”
“He’s tall and lean. His body is pale and hard, with the sexiest abs I’ve ever seen. Seriously, Claire, I want to lick his whole damn body.” I fanned myself, much to her delight. “But it’s his eyes that are the best. They’re so blue. Every time I look into them I forget who I am.” I felt like I wasn’t doing him justice. So I kept going. “He has the most beautiful smile. He hardly does it, but when he does he takes my breath away.” Nope, not enough. I kept going. “He never lets his anger get in the way. He’s still a good guy even when h
e’s upset, you know? Most men aren’t like that.” I started to get frustrated. James was worth these words. “When he holds me I feel like I can finally fall apart. He’ll keep me together. But I know that can’t be true. The only person who can keep me together is me.” When I finished I glanced at her to find her grinning like a proud parent. Her smile was cheese and sugar. “What?” I demanded. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
Claire’s cheese intensified. “You love him. You’re finally in love. Like, really in love. That’s what’s wrong with you. You’re in love and it’s torturing you, isn’t it?”
I snorted. “I’m not in love. I’m not,” I insisted. “I don’t do love, Claire. You know that.”
I’m not in love with James.
I’m not.
“I have to meet this guy. I never thought I’d see the day where a man had Becca O’Connor losing her mind.” She cackled, kicking her feet in the air. “Serves you right. You make men lose their minds on a daily basis.”
“Shut up and eat your pickle.”
Her smile faded suddenly. “Wait. So this guy doesn’t want you?”
“It’s complicated, Claire. We couldn’t be together even if we wanted to.”
“Why not?” she asked. “What’s stopping you?”
“Tess,” I mumbled bitterly. “Me. My fears. He has fears too, I think. He thinks so poorly of himself and sometimes he breaks down. Like really breaks down. He has things in his way the same way I do. There’s Kent too. He insists James has been through enough and doesn’t want me around him. I agree even though I don’t know what happened to James to make him so sad. I’ll just ruin it the way I always do. He’ll leave and I’ll have to go back to sleeping with men like Heath forever. Why do that to ourselves?”
“I never thought I’d see the day where you were afraid.” She sat back, stunned. “What are you really afraid of? You can tell me. Maybe admitting it might make you feel better.”
My Vicious Demise (Demise #2) Page 17
