by T. L. Haddix
“Then I’d love to be your test subject. I mean, I’d hate to let all that practice, and all those cucumbers, go to waste.” He let his hand slide down her side to her hand. “How do you want to do this?”
She bit her lip. “Just head on downstairs. I’ll meet you there in a minute. Take the monitor?”
“Okay. And if you change your mind about this, at any time, you can do that. No recriminations.”
Trying to get his legs to work took some effort, but John managed to get out of the bedroom without tripping over his own two feet. He was torn between aching arousal and disbelief. Doubts set in as he went downstairs, and he wondered if he was doing the right thing by letting this play out. Remembering the determined tilt of Zanny’s chin, he knew he had to let her try.
The last time they’d experimented, she’d nearly ended up in tears because it had gone so poorly. It wasn’t anything she had done or anything he had done. The situation was just awkward from the get-go, and that had probably been fueled by her belief that his passion for her had died. In fact, the exact opposite was true, and one of the reasons he’d stopped her before was that it was too good. Her innocent explorations had brought him to a dangerous precipice that he was terrified he wouldn’t be able to pull back from. If she’d continued, there was a very real danger he would have lost control completely, and John couldn’t risk hurting her again. So he’d stopped her.
“I’m going to have to tell her that,” he realized. “Otherwise, she’s going to go on thinking it was her.”
Decision made, he turned on the small banker’s lamp on the desk and sat down to wait for his wife.
Chapter Fifty-One
Zanny’s heart felt as if it would beat out of her chest as she listened to John’s footsteps fade. She could hardly believe she’d just offered to fulfill his fantasy like that, even though she’d planned on trying to initiate the very act he’d described.
He hadn’t laughed. At least there was that.
Since she’d been nude in his dream, she got rid of her underwear. Digging into the closet, she got out the coat he’d referenced and then shrugged it on. She checked her appearance in the mirror, but she needed something. She grabbed a pair of sexy shoes she’d bought on an impulse last month. The strappy high-heeled sandals were almost the same color as the coat.
“Should I do lipstick?” Tapping her lips, she decided against it. That might be going just a little far. She extinguished the candles and, crossing her fingers for luck, headed downstairs.
He’d turned on the light at the foot of the stairs, and the lamp in the office was on, but the rest of the basement was dark.
“Knock, knock.” Zanny stopped in the door, one foot tucked behind the other. Instead of being behind his desk, though, John was sitting on the edge of it. Hands in the pockets of his shorts, he looked as nervous as she felt.
“Hey. Come in. I, um, I need to tell you something.” He held out a hand. “Before this goes any further, I mean.”
Zanny hesitated. “That sounds ominous.”
“It isn’t. I swear.”
She stepped inside and edged over to him. His hand clasped hers warmly, and he pulled her to stand between his legs.
“Did you change your mind?”
“No.” He brought his hands up to cup her face, his thumbs gently tracing the curve of her brows, then the arch of her cheeks. “There’s something I need you to understand. Something I should have told you a long, long time ago.”
Zanny was unsettled by the intense light in his eyes. “Okay, you’re really starting to worry me here.”
A tiny smile moved over his lips, and he pushed her hair back behind her ears. “When we tried this before, and it didn’t work out, it wasn’t because you did anything wrong. Do you remember when we did it? I mean, at what point in time?”
His hands were resting on her shoulders, and she wrapped her fingers around his wrists, holding on.
“It was right after Noah was born.”
“Yeah. And we’d had some problems. Physically, I mean. I hurt you.”
Zanny shook her head. “John, that wasn’t your fault. I told you that.”
“I was terrified I would hurt you again. Did you know that?”
Astonished, she blinked up at him. “No.”
“I was. And I was afraid that if I got overly excited with you again, you wouldn’t stop me. You’d just take it. Like you did that time.”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. John, you haven’t thought that all these years?” Zanny was honestly stunned. “Honey, that isn’t how it was.” She moved her hands to touch his face and stepped closer.
“You were crying before I noticed I was hurting you.” His voice was harsh, and Zanny could see the self-recrimination on his face as plain as day. “And I didn’t want to be like everyone else had been in your life, ignoring your needs for their own.”
She was helpless against the tears that sprung into her eyes. “You sweet, misguided man,” she whispered, threading her fingers into his hair. “Oh, John. I didn’t stop you because I wanted you as much as you wanted me. And part of why I was so upset when it did hurt was because I was frustrated. Not because you were damaging me or anything like that.”
The words fell between them, leaving a pregnant silence in their wake. She actually felt John’s breathing hitch.
“Zanny…really?”
“Really. And then when we did try again, it was different. You were different, no matter what I did. And I thought you just didn’t want me the same way anymore.”
When John pulled her into his arms, his embrace was so tight that it almost hurt. He buried his face in her neck, and his hands were shaking as he ran them over her hair and shoulders.
“Why didn’t we talk about this years ago?” he muttered. “Do you know…I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’ve never stopped wanting you. Ever. I was just so afraid I’d lose control and hurt you. That’s why I stopped you when we tried the mouth thing before. It felt too good. I was on the verge of losing it, and I couldn’t take that risk, that I’d hurt you again.”
With no words in her head that fit what she was feeling, all Zanny could do was kiss him. So she did, hard and deep. Her mind was reeling. All this time, she’d thought the passion had died, and he’d been worried about hurting her.
“I don’t know whether to hug you or hit you,” she gasped when she came up for air. “How much of this could have been avoided if we’d just talked?”
John rested his forehead against hers. “A lot.”
They stood like that, breathing, just watching each other, for several long minutes. Finally, he sighed. “I’m an idiot.”
Zanny chuckled. “If you are, then so am I.”
“Never.”
“Promise me something?” She looped her arms around his neck. “If we figure this thing out, we’re going to talk to each other? Even if it is embarrassing?”
“I promise.” He toyed with the ends of her belt. “Are we going to figure this thing out, do you think?”
Zanny ran her hands across his chest, tracing the muscles. “I think so. I don’t want to make any permanent decisions tonight, but I think your days at Emma’s are numbered.”
“Thank you,” he whispered.
She lightly teased his lips with her fingertip. “I’m actually enjoying this for the moment, however. It feels like we’re dating again, in a way.”
John smiled. “I was thinking that myself. I never did get to court you quite the way I wanted to, you know?”
“Well, there’s no time like the present.”
He slipped his hands inside the coat, caressing her curves with just the right touch. Zanny leaned into him eagerly.
“Was this in your dream?”
“No. But I’m not unhappy with the direction we’re going here
.”
She wasn’t, either.
They didn’t play things out exactly the way he’d described his dream, but by the time they made it upstairs an hour later, they were both a little giddy.
“I guess I should think about heading out,” he groaned against her neck once they were back in the bedroom. “I don’t want to go.”
“Then don’t.”
His whole body went rigid, and Zanny held her breath.
“You’re sure?”
“For tonight.”
He responded with a heated kiss. As the back of her legs hit the mattress, and his body followed hers down, Zanny said a quick prayer of thanks. They still had some work to do, but she was absolutely confident they were on the right track.
Chapter Fifty-Two
John woke up the next morning before the alarm clock went off. Zanny was snuggled up to his side, sound asleep. He turned off the alarm and rolled onto his side to watch her as the morning sun gilded the room.
They weren’t technically back together, but for a while there, he’d doubted they ever would be. He’d really thought their marriage was over. That certainty had taken him to a dark, dark place.
John had friends who’d been married, divorced, and had remarried. He had friends who’d been in serious relationships, had sworn the person they were with was their soul mate, and had found another soul mate six months later.
He’d never been that person. That Christmas when he’d seen Zanny coming down the stairs at the farm, his path had been set. Thinking she was gone and that she didn’t want to be with him anymore had broken something inside him on a level he hadn’t known existed. He’d been so hurt when she told him to go find someone else to be intimate with that he didn’t know how he managed to walk away from her. He’d shut down that day and closed off a part of himself from her.
Lying beside her as she slept, he realized that she’d been entirely right in how she’d gone about handling the separation. If she hadn’t insisted on having space, they might have gone for years without fixing things. The impetus just wasn’t there, no matter how much they loved each other.
When he touched one of her curls, then let his fingers follow the curve of her cheek to her mouth, she murmured and snuggled into him more closely. She didn’t wake, however, until he started kissing her cheek.
“Good morning.”
“Mmm, good morning.” She wouldn’t let him kiss her on the mouth because of their morning breath, but she didn’t object when he reached under the covers to slip his hand down her body with a bold touch. “John…”
He moved his fingers in a way that he knew would drive her insane. “Did you sleep well?” When she clutched his shoulders and lifted her hips into his hand with a breathy moan, he smiled.
“Very. John, you, um…What time is it?” She raised herself up to look at the clock. “Oh, good. Just barely six.”
“Good, huh? Why is that?” He maneuvered over her, spreading her legs with his knees, and settled between her thighs.
She struggled to answer as he kissed her neck. “I think you know.” She curled her legs around his hips, drawing him into her.
John advanced slowly, wanting to savor every second of their time together. Even when Zanny tried to urge him on, he insisted on keeping things slow. Lacing their fingers together, he raised their arms to meet over her head. Still, he didn’t increase the pace. The heat built and built until he felt as if he were in danger of spontaneously combusting.
Zanny was writhing beneath him, her skin flushed. The breathy pants she was making increased his arousal, and he bent to whisper provocatively in her ear. Using intimate words, he praised her feel, her touch, and her body. He let himself speak bluntly in a way he never had before, and he told her exactly how it felt to be inside her. The words pushed her over the edge, and she tightened around him, crying out as she climaxed.
John followed her. His own orgasm was powerful, not just physically, but emotionally. He was as overwhelmed by this lovemaking as he had been the first time they’d made love. It felt different, new, and more intimate than it had in years.
He wasn’t in a hurry to leave her embrace, but he shifted his weight so that it was on his arm and leg instead of Zanny. “I love you. There aren’t enough words to properly express how much. Do you understand that?”
She was playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, and she tugged his head down for a brief kiss. “Yes. I feel the same way. I do love you, John.”
“But?”
“No buts.”
John felt his smile grow from the inside out. “I love you. I’m going to keep saying it. I love you, love you, love you.” He kissed her jaw, her chin, and her forehead, then sighed with contentment.
He would have to get up and get ready for work soon, but not right away. For the time being, he was just going to lie in his bed, holding his wife, and try to express just how much he adored her.
With time running out before he had to get to work, John and Zanny shared a shower. As much as he wanted to linger, and she seemed inclined to let him, he knew he couldn’t—not that morning.
“I’ll swing by Emma’s and get dressed,” he told Zanny as he followed the boys into the kitchen, clad in his shorts and shirt from the night before.
Zanny’s response was cut off, however, by the doorbell. They both froze, and from the look on her face, John knew she was thinking what he was. At just after seven o’clock in the morning, they weren’t expecting anyone, so something was wrong.
“I’ll get it.”
He heard her set down the skillet was holding. “Boys, I’m going to grab my robe. Stay in your chairs.”
When the visitor turned out to be his cousin Rick, dressed in his sheriff’s department uniform, John’s heart sank. He unlocked the storm door and let Rick in.
“Hey. I’m glad you’re here. Is Zanny awake?”
“She is. She’s getting something on. What’s wrong?”
“Her dad. We got a call last night from Scottsdale, Arizona. They found him late last night in his truck. It looks like he had a massive heart attack. I’m sorry.”
John cursed under his breath. “She’s not seen him or talked to him in years. This is going to hit her hard, I think.”
“Morning, Rick. What’s going on?” Zanny came into the living room, her cotton robe belted at her waist.
“Hey, Zan. I’m afraid I have some news about your father.”
John held out his arm, and she came to him, though her eyes didn’t leave Rick’s face as he repeated what he’d told John.
“And they found him in his truck?”
“Yes. At a rest stop. He’d parked for the night, and then when the truck didn’t move the next day, they knew something was wrong. They got inside and found him. I’m sorry, Zanny.”
She left John’s side and moved to sit on the couch, with her hands folded neatly in her lap. “What happens now? Would you like some coffee?” she asked, half standing up before Rick could answer.
He waved her back to the couch. “No, I’m fine. Thank you.” He glanced at John, and a little concern showed through what John thought of as Rick’s “cop face.”
John gave a subtle nod, and Rick continued.
“They’ll be performing an autopsy this morning, since he was alone. Someone will need to get in touch with his attorney, if he had one. I believe you’re his legal next of kin, and your name was listed with his trucking company as the emergency contact, so unless someone else comes up, all the decisions will be yours.”
Zanny shook her head a little. “I’m shocked he left me on there. He probably forgot to change it after our dustup a few years back.” Sadly, she laughed softly. “If he had an attorney…he might have used the same one Gran did.” She told him the name, and Rick nodded.
“I thou
ght that was who it might be.” His radio beeped, and he turned down the volume. “I am sorry, Zan. Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do?”
“No. You’ve done everything you can, including helping me get out of there all those years ago.” She came over to him and gave him a quick hug. “Thank you for coming to tell me.”
“Just let me know if you all need anything.” Rick shook his hand, and John saw him out.
When he turned back to Zanny, she had disappeared. He heard her in the kitchen, talking to the boys in a low voice. He headed in that direction, stopping in the doorway to observe his family.
“So are we going to Mrs. Hendricks’s today?” Noah asked. “Or is it a special day, ’cause Daddy’s here?”
Zanny kissed his head. “It is a special day, but you’re still going to Mrs. Hendricks’s.”
He cheered. “I like her. She’s nice, and she reads us lots and lots of stories.”
“You aren’t planning to go in to work today, are you?” John couldn’t get a read on her emotions.
“I thought I should. Emma’s got a full schedule today. She’ll need me.” Zanny carefully folded the dishrag she’d been wiping the counter with. “I can’t just leave her by herself.”
“Noah, will you take Eli upstairs and get some clothes picked out?” John helped Eli down from his booster seat.
“Sure, Daddy. C’mon, Eli.”
“He’s such a good big brother,” Zanny observed as they left the kitchen. “Reminds me of the way you used to act years ago, when we were little.”
John came around the island and set his hands on her shoulders. She wouldn’t look at him, but he felt the fine tremors running through her frame. “I don’t think you should go into work today. Let me call Emma.”
“I’ll be okay.” She tried to smile, but couldn’t, and John pulled her into his arms. “You really think I should stay home?”
