He snorted, “It does not! Nothing is wrong with what I like. It is God’s gift to men! It is better than the real thing. It doesn’t judge me or deny me, and it is always there for me. I don’t have to work for it. We just don’t fit!”
His sounded so out of it and crazed. Abby had hot tears running down her face. She had no idea who she was talking to. His addiction had finally destroyed them, and now he was proving to her that it had always been more important than her. Then again she knew deep down he had always been a cruel cold person at heart. She had just hoped she was wrong. She rubbed tears from her cheeks as he smirked disgustingly.
“Do you even hear yourself?” She whimpered.
He laughed again and rolled his eyes the way he did every time he thought what she said was stupid. It seemed to happen almost daily now.
“Yes I do, and I am right. We just don’t fit.” He hissed.
“Yes we did. I never deny you. I’m always here for you. The addiction is what is doing this. Why can’t you see that?” She cried.
“It is not! I don’t have a problem. I don’t want to settle down. I want to meet more people and do things with them. We don’t fit-“
“Why are you doing this?” She begged.
“Shut up!” He snapped at her. He paced the room faster now. He had his arms crossed, and he was panting. He kept smirking angrily, and the sly look in his eyes made Abby’s stomach drop. He was lost in his own little world, and Abby never had a chance to save him. She knew she had to let him go before he sucked her into his insanity. She already felt as if she were losing her mind. This love was bad. She had to accept it.
“Aaron, please just-“She cried loudly. He turned to her with malice in his eyes as he screamed, “I said shut up! Or I will never talk to you again.”
She felt her body go numb, and her heart die a little. She looked down, crying and fell onto the sofa. She did not know who the person was in front of her. Had she ever known him? Was it all just lies? The mask had come off so quickly. It was all just lies that she had fallen in love with. Just a beautiful mask that he destroyed so perfectly. She gazed up at him with tears rolling down her face. He was not in this world, and she knew she could never bring him down. She had to save herself before she was gone too.
After a few minutes, he stopped pacing and faced her. His face was pale, and he had tears in his eyes. He walked closer to her but stopped before getting too close.
“You’re so wonderful,” He sobbed. He rubbed tears from his eyes. Abby gave him a queer look then looked at the front door and stared at it blankly with tears rolling down her hot cheeks. Her head was spinning, and she was numb. He was moving his fingers together, thinking; but all she wanted was to just fade into the darkness and never feel again.
“I’ll probably always love you… I wish I had met you when I was ready,” He admitted, crying softly. Abby blinked and touched the necklace around her neck then stared at the promise ring she had gotten him for his first birthday they had been together. It looked so innocent in the room full of despair. It was just a lie just as every word that slipped from his cold lips.
“What are you going to do with that?” She asked numbly. He looked down at his ring and covered it protectively. He looked up with red puffy eyes and swallowed.
“I’m keeping it. It was a gift. It is mine.” He said selfishly. She smirked a little then looked down. She put her head into her hands and inhaled deeply. She felt empty inside, and as if she were not even in her own body. She looked up at the man she had given so many years to and saw him for who he really was.
“I’m going to go make sure everything is okay at work,” He muttered as he tried to come up with a lie. Abby nodded slowly then emotionlessly mumbled, “I love you.” He gave her a long painful look then turned around and said with a thick sadness mixed with poison, “I don’t want to go.”
They stared at each other; and when he opened the door and shut it, Abby knew deep down that she would not see him again. Somehow in some way she accepted it. The cycle had to be stopped; and if she kept letting it turn, she was just as rotten as he was. She shook, and her skin felt cold. She wondered if he had ever truly loved her. She laughed and realized that she knew him well enough to know he never truly loved her. She wondered why she ever loved him more than she loved herself.
Chapter twenty-four
Abby awoke from the memory and opened her eyes to see Evan poking at the fire with a ghostly expression. His eyes looked hollow, and his mouth was closed tightly. He looked pale and thinner than he did a few days ago, and his hair looked lighter. She saw the wedding ring on his finger and the way he kept glancing at it forlornly. She could see in those dull eyes of his that he knew what she finally did. However by his tense body language and fidgeting hands, he was still in denial. Abby felt Pooch snuggled beside her, and Abby tried to reach to pet her. Her arms ached, and she just laid her hand on Pooch’s head.
Abby felt a cold sweat roll down her cheek and land on her left hand softly. She was sticky and hot and wanted out of the covers, but she did nothing to try and move. She blinked and reached shakily for her necklace. She felt the cool stone heart of it and traced her fingers lightly over the rubies and diamonds. She wondered if this was how Aaron felt that night he had left. She tugged on it and popped it off. She moved her hand forward and gave the beautiful charm a long look. It felt as if a million years had passed since Aaron had given it to her.
It felt like it had been a part of her; but as she held it away from her neck, it seemed so small and unimportant. She closed her eyes and took in a slow long breath. It was all she could do not to cry. She had to be strong. When she opened her eyes, she felt the emptiness of her stomach and the weight of her heart in her hands. She felt free with the necklace off. The fever felt worse than it had the night before, and she knew she could pass out any moment.
Her eyes went to Evan again, who was rubbing his hands together now with glossy eyes. She opened her mouth and tried to speak, but nothing came out. She swallowed hard and tried again, and this time she was able to make a grunting sound that caught Evan’s attention. He looked up suddenly with worry in his deep eyes and stood up. He stumbled to get to her; and when he did, he landed on his knees and touched her forehead with one of his hands. She saw his lips shaking and could feel the weakness in his hands. She needed to reach out to him and show him it would be okay. She knew it would be hard, but she knew that what was worth it did not come easy.
“Evan…” She mumbled dryly.
He rubbed sweat from her left brow and looked down into her pale eyes. She saw such fear, and it almost made her too afraid to speak. She knew she had to and had limited time. Pooch woke and whimpered as she yawned under the blankets.
“Do you need some water? I can get some. I also made some beans if you-“His voice broke as Abby shushed him.
She touched his thin, curved cheek. She let her fingers trace the outlines of his bandages on his face, and then she frowned. He became very still and stiff. He knew something was wrong but did not wish to admit it. She placed her hand into her other one then moved her hands towards him. He looked down at them hesitantly. When he reached for her hands, he shook and then pulled back with a gasp when she opened her hands to reveal the necklace.
“No!” He almost shouted. His voice cracked, and he collapsed and leaned onto the sofa. He had tears in his eyes and remorse on his face. She shook her head and lowered her hands so they could rest on the sofa. Pooch looked out of the blankets and whimpered again.
“I don’t want to go,” She started with weakness in her voice. She sounded so sickly and far away. She was not even sure if she was speaking loud enough or clearly enough for Evan to understand. She licked her lips as she continued, “But sometimes these things happen… sometimes we don’t get second chances. And the answers and reasons aren’t good enough.”
A tear rolled down Evan’s face as he tried not to break down. She could see him visibly shaking now. He was paler than he had
been before. She smiled.
“Sometimes we have to do what we need to instead of what we want, because it is the right thing.” Her voice sounded stronger now but still very sickly. She could feel her blood burning in her veins, and her heart beating slower. She ignored the sweating and held back the coughs and took in a deep breath.
“No…” Evan sobbed. More tears rolled down his dirty cheeks. He grabbed her arms and squeezed them. She ignored his hard grip and spoke very gentle.
“It took me so long to realize this. Evan, you must see it now… I don’t want you to suffer as I have. You don’t have to. You have to find the serenity to accept the things you cannot change and the courage to changes the things you can.” She reached up with a free hand and rubbed tears from his face, and he looked into her eyes. It was as if he was seeing her for the first time. His face went soft, and he stopped shaking.
“There will always be beauty in life. It is just harder to see when you’re hurt and confused. When you have lost so much, you have to hold on to yourself. Don’t lose yourself trying to change something you can’t. You’re worth so much more.” He loosened his grip on her arms, and there were red marks. She lifted her hands towards him and opened them. It seemed he did not want to look away from her eyes, but he did, and he reached into her hands. She closed hers around his, pushing the necklace into his hands. He closed his hands around hers and looked up again. His eyes were full of pain but mixed with a hint of hope.
“We will find Haven, and we will live.” She let go of the necklace and his hands and dropped hers to the sofa out of pure exhaustion. It took him a moment to open his hands. When he finally did, he inhaled and looked up at her with an open mouth. He did not say anything, just gazed at her. She smiled kindly.
“Live no matter how much it hurts. There is still happiness out there even if you don’t believe in it.” Her words turned into a whisper, but she knew he had heard her. She could tell he understood.
She tried to keep her eyes open as long as she could as she watched his face turn from fear to clarity. She knew how he felt and knew it would not be easy for him. Nevertheless, she knew that he would make it. She smiled at him one last time before she closed her eyes. She could feel his warm hand on her cold cheek as he brushed tears from them. She smiled weakly and took in a long breath and gave Pooch’s fur a squeeze.
She thought of a beautiful day with a cool breeze running down her spine. She wore a bright pink dress as she walked through a meadow, and she had a bright smile on her face and beauty in her young eyes. Nothing was meant to be perfect, and she was okay with that. She had no regrets. She only wished that she had spent less time trying to love someone who was never actually there. Even so, she was okay with how things came to be, and she was happy to accept that the love she had believed in was finally gone. As her heart started to beat slower, she felt it struggle. She smiled as she let that part of her fully die. She was finally free of what held her back.
The End.
Epilogue
The ashes of Amour
Abby stumbled over the corpse as she entered the long narrow hallway. She felt her foot go through the belly of it, and she slipped. She reached for a narrow space in the wall where a boarded up window was and grabbed it before she fell face first into the rot below her. She gasped as she gripped her fingers around her flashlight. She closed her eyes for a moment until the world around her stopped spinning. She opened her bright eyes and let out a sigh of relief. She stood up straight; adjusting her paper mask over her face making sure it was tight.
Even though she had not been sick since before she and Evan found Haven, she was not going to risk it again. She glared down at the corpse she stood halfway in and sneered at the disrupted expression that was pulled tight across his face. She slowly pulled her foot out, frowning at the black gunk that covered her brown boots. She sighed sadly, wishing she had not worn the boots today. She remembered how happy Jessie looked when Abby had opened her birthday gift. Abby shook the thought away and stared down the narrow hallway.
Darkness lingered in front of her as piles of bodies laid across the floor all the way down to a large white door. Abby swallowed hard as she stared at the undead that chewed slowly on the corpses. She chewed on her bottom lip and wished she had not chosen this job. She could have been anything in Haven; but because of the ability to get past the undead unseen, she had chosen the worst job. It made her feel good that she was able to get into places blocked off by the undead. She had found so many supplies, since she joined the Haven search group.
The thought went away as she remembered that there was no one else who could do this but her. The undead did not see her. She could go anywhere and do anything. Even though she did not fear turning or dying, the undead still sent shivers up her spine. She tried to compose herself as she started walking forward. The darkness in the hallway made her feel as if something was following her. She felt fingers clawing at her back, and she glanced backwards, shining the flashlight on the door she had come through. Nothing was there. She let out a pitiful laugh and rubbed her sweaty forehead. Her stomach was in knots as she looked forward again.
The undead sat and stood around groaning softly as they glanced up slowly at the light that disturbed their peace. As Abby carefully walked around the corpses and undead, she tried not to look them in their dead faces. She would never tell Evan, but they always gave her nightmares. Sleep was always hard after a day out of Haven. The undead haunted her in her dreams. She shuffled around a bloated old woman as she came very close to a small undead child. It made a load groan as she walked by it. It reached out for her; and when it grabbed her jeans, she froze.
It stared at her with white hollow eyes. Its face was ghostly pale with yellow streaks lining its cheeks. It had no hair left, and its tiny fingers tugged at her jeans with no power in them. It moved its jaw, and Abby saw it had no more teeth. She could not even tell if it had been a girl or boy. She felt sick and backed away from it when she hit something. She turned and was face to face with a large undead. She gasped and covered her mouth with tears in her eyes. It lunged forward at her; but when its body hit her, it stumbled backwards confused. Abby felt a hot tear roll down her cheek.
It held onto her for a second as it tried to stabilize itself. Abby shoved it away, and it fell backwards, over a corpse, and smashed into the wall behind it. Abby stepped back feeling her heart race. The other undead in the hallway became livelier at the sound and looked up. Abby paused for what seemed like forever until the undead around her went back to mindless moaning and chewing on the rotting corpses. She let out a long breath and rubbed more sweat from her face. She was so frightened.
She shook away her fear and forced a smile under her mask. She had to do this. This place had medical supplies that Haven needed. She forced herself to walk forward and kept her light on the door ahead of her as she stepped over the bodies under her. She listened and could hear the heavy breathing of the undead around her. If she listened hard enough, she could hear a bird singing outside the boarded up windows. She stopped as she grew closer to the door and held her breath for a second. The smell in the room was awful, and she did everything she could to not throw up.
She knew exactly what she was going to do when she got out of here. She was going to take a long hot shower. She walked to the door and reached for the handle as she took in a long breath. No one had been in this room for over a year. She had no idea what she would find, and it made her heart sink. She feared someone alive would be behind the door, even though she knew that was impossible. The hordes of undead that were in this side of the hospital killed everyone who tried to come this way. She turned the knob, and with a loud sudden creak the door was ripped off its hinges and went flying to the floor. It slammed hard, and the echo shot through the room and down the hallway. Abby shut her eyes and felt her body shake.
She could hear the undead around her shifting to their feet, and even worse she could hear many feet walking towards her in the room. For a m
inute, she saw herself being ripped apart slowly and being eaten. She shook and cried as the undead brushed past her to see what had made the loud sound. Some came from behind her as others came from the room. After five minutes of hopelessly searching, the undead settled down around her. She opened her eyes as a young dead man wobbled by her to enter the dark room. She rubbed the tears from her chin and gritted her teeth.
She just wanted to run away and hide. To find someone and have them hold her and kiss the fear away. She swallowed hard and stepped into the room. It was very cold. Abby shivered and felt goosebumps grow on her skin. She rubbed her arms and then pulled down her long sleeves she had pulled upwards earlier that day. She shined her light around the room, and her eyes widened as she saw the large group of undead around her. Some were spread out wandering around clawing at the empty air while others stayed in small groups just standing. Those scared her the most. She shined the light around the supply room at the tables and counters and saw nothing but a mess.
Her heart skipped a beat at the thought of wasting her time, coming here for nothing. Then she saw something in the corner of the room. It was a door. She walked towards it with a rush of adrenalin. When she got to it, she waited before opening it watching a young girl pull herself across the floor with broken legs. Abby squinted her eyes in disgust and tried not to look. She ignored the heavy breathing and moans around her and the hands grabbing for her neck. The door opened easily enough, and she was surprised at the large amount of supplies inside. She gasped happily and stepped forward, reaching for a bottle of clear liquid. Then she hit something under her and was not able to stop herself from falling.
She screamed as she grabbed the counter knocking bottles off, letting them crash to the floor, shattering into tiny pieces. She landed hard on the cold floor and cried out as pain rippled through her. Her flashlight rolled across the floor as she panicked to sit up. She imagined the undead surrounding her and reaching with their dead rotting fingers. She grabbed her flashlight and pushed her back to the counter behind her. She heard the loud movement in the room outside coming towards her. She then shined the light on what she hit and frowned at the dead body with a single gunshot wound to his head. Abby looked down sadly and wondered who the man had been and what he had gone through.
The Amour series (Book 1): The Embers of Amour Page 23
