by Brooks, Abby
“You guys fucked in the office?” Tessa’s eyes were wide and thank God she had the good sense to whisper.
“Yeah. Can you believe it?” Ellie shook her head. “I’m still not sure I can.”
“Was it any good?”
A violent blush flared across Ellie’s cheeks and her eyes lit up. “Very. Best ever status.”
“Wow.” Tessa took a drink of her coffee and stared at Ellie.
“And he’s actually really funny. Really sweet and considerate. He makes me feel less alone.” Ellie frowned. “No, that’s not right. It’s hard to describe. It’s like he’s a prism and he takes the simple parts of me and changes them into something beautiful. And he's also a mirror because I look at him and see myself.”
“I see a big but written all over you face.” Tessa put her coffee down and touched Ellie’s hand. “What happened?”
Without thinking about what to say or how to say it, Ellie filled Tessa in on last night. “He showed up drunk at my doorstep last night. He told me about how he’s been hurting. He said that caring about someone is scary, and then he told me I scared him. It felt like this big moment. Like we were going to turn some big corner. Like maybe he was one step closer to healing after losing Erin like he did. And then this morning? He’s gone. And he left a stupid note, saying he was calling off our arrangement.”
“So, basically, he admitted that he cared for you.”
Ellie nodded.
“Right after he admitted that caring for someone scared him.”
Ellie nodded again.
“And you’re surprised to find that you woke up to find him gone?”
“Well, when you put it that way. I guess shouldn’t be.”
Tessa shrugged. “I get it. You're hurt. You thought you’d crossed some line. But Ellie, you weren’t supposed to cross any lines, remember? The whole relationship is supposed to be fake. He’s not ready to deal with love again or he wouldn’t be using you as a shield against it. And the fact that he’s feeling something for you, when you were his first line of defense against feeling something for anyone? Just imagine how wrecked he’s feeling right now.”
“Yeah, but what about how wrecked I’m feeling right now?”
Tessa flared her fingers. “How honest do you want me to be?”
“I want you to be really honest.”
“This isn’t about you. It’s about him. And he’s the broken one. And you, being the kind and wonderful person that you are, couldn’t keep yourself from trying to help him when he seemed to need it the most. You stayed with him when he asked you to. You didn’t respect the boundaries you guys had set, and neither did he, but it’s not exactly a surprise that he’s freaking out now that he’s discovered that he can’t ignore how awesome you are.”
“I’m not sure I’m following your logic. “
“That’s okay, I’ve not been awake long enough to have much logic in me.” Tessa took a long drink of coffee and held the cup out for a refill. “Here’s the thing. You care about him, don’t you?” She waited for Ellie to nod before she continued. “And I think it’s clear that he’s starting to care enough about you that it scares him.”
“So what do I do?”
“Is he worth it? Is he worth risking your own heart in order to heal his?”
“I think so.”
“Then tell his ass that the deal is most definitely not off. Just be careful. Don’t put his needs over yours. Don’t get hurt so he can be whole. You’ve outgrown the Parasite Steve phase.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” Ellie took a deep breath and pulled out her phone. “I’m gonna text him right now.” Tessa gave her an encouraging face and watched as Ellie typed out her message.
Found your note. I respectfully decline your offer to dissolve our agreement. I’ll be waiting for you to pick me up Wednesday for a highly public date and will be buying a new dress for the evening. Please do not waste my time or money by pulling a no show.
She pressed the send button without pausing to think. Tessa stuck around, providing moral support while Ellie waited for a response that never came. Hours passed and customers came and went and still, her phone sat silent on the counter beside her.
Monday night rolled into Tuesday morning and Tuesday morning rolled into Tuesday evening and still, no response from James. Ellie was true to her word. She went shopping after closing Good Beginnings and bought a new dress, cringing at the cost even though she bought it at Goodwill. After checking her phone for the millionth time that day, she sent James another text.
Dress is bought. Money has been spent. Stand me up and face my wrath. :)
She agonized over the smiley face. Typed it in and erased it only to type it in again and finally just said to hell with it and hit send, hoping a little humor would lighten his ass up. At this point, she didn’t actually think she would ever hear from him again. Figured he’d gone off on some drunken binge and that he was just too broken for his own good. When her phone buzzed just five minutes after hitting send, her stomach attempted a back handspring and her palms got all sweaty. The text was from James, though it was maddeningly simple.
c u wed @ 6 ur house
What’s with the shorthand? Was he drunk? Was he trying to seem nonchalant? He’d always typed out his texts like a literate adult. For some reason, the garbled text speak made her angry. And what was with making her wait two whole days before confirming? Was he just trying to piss her off?
It didn’t matter. None of it did. Tessa was right. She needed to approach James like she would a wounded animal. Slowly. Cautiously. And regardless as to whether he lashed out or pulled away, she’d just keep moving forward.
15
James showed up at Ellie’s apartment promptly at six o’clock Wednesday evening, sober. His somber face lit up when he saw her. “Damn, you look fantastic.”
“Why, thank you. You don’t look half bad yourself.” Ellie intended to keep the evening light and fun and to shy away from anything that might elicit feelings of any sort from either one of them.
“So,” he said as she closed and locked her door. “Listen, about the other night—”
Ellie grabbed his arm, interrupting him. “Don’t say a word. There’s no need. We’re good. We’ll just play this light and easy and realize that sometimes one of us might trample on something that hurts and we need to ease off. In the meantime, we’ll put on a good show for everyone out there.”
She paused, holding eye contact with him as she waited to see if he got what she was trying to say. When he nodded, she smiled and took off down the sidewalk, her heels clicking nicely on the concrete. Wind blew in off the ocean, carrying the first hint of fall along with it and lifting the edges of her dress around her thighs.
She looked back over her shoulder at James who was still leaning against the brick, his hands shoved into the pockets of his dress pants, the tails of his button down shirt hitched over his wrists. “You just gonna stand there, or are you coming with me?”
James pushed off the wall and shrugged. “Can’t help it if I like the view from back here.” He strode towards her, his gait strong and sure, muscular and controlled. She thought of things like tigers and wolves and great, powerful beasts that fought for what they wanted and instilled fear in those lesser creatures around them. It was the first time she’d seen him look like that and it sent a charge through her body. What was different? Was it because he was sober?
“Where are you taking me?” she asked, pushing away all thoughts of what he looked like and why he looked that way. This was a business partnership. Nothing more, nothing less.
“I thought that since you forced this date on me, you’d be taking me somewhere.”
Panic set Ellie’s stomach into a series of tumbling flip-flops. She couldn’t afford to take him anywhere. She’d gotten a disconnect notice from the power company this very morning. “James,” she said, coming to a stop and wrapping her arms around her center. “I can’t—”
“On my dime.”
James touched her shoulder. “Our deal was quite specific. You hang on my arm for a few months and get my family off my back. I take you out and show you a good time. All I meant was that you might have an idea as to where you want to go.”
“Oh.” Ellie’s shoulders slid down from where they’d climbed up near her ears and she thought for a minute. “It’s a gorgeous night. What about walking to Fantastic Sam’s?”
“Sounds like a plan.” James wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in close. They chatted about everything and nothing as they walked and James never let her go. It was nice. She knew it was for show and didn’t let herself get too wrapped up in enjoying the way it felt to have someone so much bigger than her keeping her safe. She’d enjoy it now, for what it was and not get all caught up in trying to decipher if it meant something or not. Her apartment was only a few blocks from Fantastic Sam’s and it didn’t take them long to get there. The hostess gave them a funny look as they walked in and led them to a table far from the bar.
“Did you see the look she gave us?” James asked as he pulled out Ellie’s chair. “Wonder what that was about.”
She giggled as she sat and he scooted the chair in. “Maybe it’s because you’re sober? And here with a woman instead of those two douchebags you’ve been hanging out with?”
James leaned around her and put an elbow on the table, his body wrapping around hers, his proximity taking her breath away. Why did he have to smell so good? “Ellie Charles.” He loved to say her name as much as she loved to hear him say it. “Did you just call my friends douchebags? I don’t know what’s more offensive. The fact that you said such a crass word, or the fact that you used that word to describe Ethan and Oliver. Are you telling me you don’t like my friends?” James arched an eyebrow and Ellie couldn’t decide if he was truly offended or if he was joking.
Ellie smiled sweetly. No, she didn’t like those guys. If this was a real date, she’d be battling her desire to be upfront and honest about it against her desire to not offend James. But this wasn’t a real date, so she had license to be as honest as she wanted. “James. Darling. The first time I saw you with those guys, you were busy offending every female within a two-mile radius while they thumped you on the back and egged you on. Oh, and when I came up to try and stop you from embarrassing yourself, one of them told me I was beneath you.” Ellie made a face. “Seem like great guys to me.”
The look on James’s face was priceless. “It’s weird. Hearing you be this honest with me makes me wonder how many lies people feed me on a daily basis.” He straightened and took a seat across from her. “Your honesty is refreshing. I think.”
Ashley, the barely legal bleached blonde waitress from the night Ellie first saw James, stopped at their table to take their orders. Ellie watched her recognize James and lick her lips before she squatted down to write his drink order, giving him the best view possible of her cleavage. “Whiskey, neat?” she asked, practically purring.
James made eye contact with Ellie. “Nope. Just a Coke for me, please,” he said, giving Ellie a self-satisfied look. Ashley pretended not to be shocked and took Ellie’s drink order while managing to keep her cleavage in James’s face and ignoring Ellie completely.
James pulled a laminated menu out from between the salt and pepper shakers and handed it to Ellie. She waved it away. “There’s only one thing worth eating here and that’s the fish and chips. I never order anything else.”
“If you’ve never ordered anything else, then how do you know there isn’t something better out there?” James studied the menu. “For example, the nachos look amazing, as does the chicken sandwich.” He flipped the menu and pointed to the items. “What about the southwest egg rolls? Those are pretty amazing. I know that for a fact.”
“Yeah, but, I like my fish and chips.”
“Yeah, and you also seem to like living in a rut. And how’s that working out for you?”
“I am not living in a rut! I just like fish and chips.”
“Ahhh,” James said, a wide smile breaking out across his face. “It doesn’t feel so good when the truth tables are turned, does it? You can dish it out, but you can’t take it? Is that what’s going on here?”
“Oh, no. I’m all about honest self-assessment. I just don’t think I’m in a rut.”
“Let’s see. You wake up before the sun is even thinking about rolling out of bed. You go to work. You come home. Eat dinner alone. Go to bed. And that’s it. Every single day of the week. How is that not a rut?”
“It’s not a rut because that’s what I have to do. We’re not all propped up with trust funds keeping us nice and cozy, you know. If I don’t work, I don’t eat.” Ellie sat back, fuming. Who did this guy think he was? How dare he tell her how to live when he didn’t have a clue as to what real life was like? Her power bill was so late that they were threatening to turn it off! And he had the balls to tell her she was in a rut because she was busy wearing herself out trying to keep her head above water?
James looked chagrined. “Whoa. Didn’t mean to step on a landmine there. I officially recall any statements regarding ruts or anything otherwise.”
Ashley arrived to take their orders and Ellie very pointedly ordered the fish and chips. When Ashley turned to James, upping the wattage on her already wide smile, he also ordered the fish and chips as well.
“They’re really good,” said Ashley, scribbling their orders across the little pad of paper in her hands.
“It came highly recommended.” James waited until Ashley teetered away on her impossibly high heels and turned back to Ellie. “Is money that tight? Is that why you don’t hire help at the cafe?”
Ellie sat back in her chair and felt her face blanch. She never brought up money with anyone. Tessa knew she struggled with money, but Ellie had never really explained just how much. What good would it do to share? It was Ellie’s burden to bare. The consequences of her bad choices. Tessa didn’t deserve to be weighed down with Ellie’s shit. No one did.
James’s dark eyes softened and he leaned forward. “Ellie, it’s okay to talk to me. I’m here. I’m asking. I care.”
She swallowed hard against the truth as it pushed to the front of her mouth. It would be so nice to just get it out. Have the story told. Share the burden with someone. Maybe it wouldn’t be so heavy if she didn’t have to hold it all by herself. She looked down at her hands as she balled up a napkin and worried at the edges.
When she looked up at him, the look in his eyes stopped her breath. Her heart filled her chest and electricity zinged through her veins. James cared. It was written all over his face, filling his eyes with worry.
“Money’s tight.” She closed her eyes against the admission. Looked down at the table and let the story roll forth. “Steven ... you know, Parasite Steve?” She waited for him to nod before continuing. “He didn’t have a job. He moved in and opened up a bunch of credit cards in my name. Maxed them out. Kept telling me that it was fine, there was nothing to worry about. It was their fault because they kept approving us.” She shook her head. “Us. Like he had any real part in it. My name. My money. I’d go to work and come home and find out he’d opened another one and bought another round of whatever.”
“Ellie, that’s fraud. That’s illegal.”
“Yeah, but he kept saying we had lived together long enough to be considered a common-law marriage and he was within his legal rights. Said if I made a stink, he’d take me to court for alimony since we’d be considered married and he wouldn’t have a way to support himself if I left.” James made a sound as if he was going to contradict her again, but Ellie kept talking. “I know it all sounds so dumb now, but Steven was an angry man and I was afraid of him. I got in the habit of keeping my head down and not making waves.”
“Did he hit you?”
“No.” She looked up at James through her eyebrows. “But he’d throw stuff and punch the wall. I had a few foster dads with similar anger issues. The best way through that is to stay quiet and not
make waves.” James made another sound and Ellie interrupted him again. “Of course, I know now that’s not true, obviously. Steve is gone. But the debt is not.”
“How bad is it?”
“I’ll survive.” She felt foolish for sharing as much as she had already. She didn’t need his pity and she definitely didn’t want him thinking she wanted any of his money. They were supposed to be out on a date, having fun. This relationship was supposed to be fake. And here she was sharing more with him than she ever had with anyone.
James reached across the table and took her hands. “I’m sure you will. It sounds like that’s just what you do. But Ellie?” He waited for her to look him in the eyes. “How bad is it? Do you have what you need?”
She shrugged. “I’m fed. I bought myself a new used dress.” When he looked confused, she gave him a sheepish look. “Goodwill. Three dollars.”
“Well, sweet Ellie, you look like a million bucks in that thing. So that was three dollars well invested.” She couldn’t help but blush and smile at the compliment. “There we go,” he said. “There’s that smile I love so much. Now please, one of the things I appreciate so much about you is your honesty. Don’t stop now when it’s hard. How bad is it?”
Ellie felt tears prick her eyes and she blinked them back. She didn’t do emotion. Not in a public place. Not in front of anyone. If she cried, it was at night, in the dark when she couldn’t even see the tears herself. Period.
“I’m behind on my electric bill. They’re going to shut it off if I don’t get the a payment to them by next week. I should be able to make it, as long as the people of Bliss keep needing their morning coffee.”
What must he think of her? Too weak to kick the parasite out before he nearly ruined her? Too afraid to stand up for herself? And now spewing it all out during a date that wasn’t even a real date. She swallowed down her emotions. Took a moment to compose herself and pull it all together. Used the distraction of Ashley arriving with their dinners to paint a merry smile across her face and vowed that she wouldn’t lose control of herself around James like that ever again.
