by Brooks, Abby
They talked and they laughed through dinner and James found himself watching her time and time again. Studying the way she moved. The way she held her fork. The way she tilted her head when she smiled. He watched her sample the wine and sigh in appreciation. While he hated the circumstances that brought her here, hated them with a fervor that turned his stomach, he was glad to have her here. She brightened up the dark corners of the house, the dark corners where the ghost of the life he’d envisioned with Erin still hung. Ellie’s energy pushed all the sadness out of the place.
“Okay,” he said, sitting back and pushing his plate away. “I have another proposition for you. A business deal, of sorts.”
Ellie frowned and put her glass of wine back down on the table. “I wasn’t too fond of the last business proposition you brought to me, if you remember.” Oh, he remembered, alright. He had been surprised and more than a little surly after she got all bent out of shape when he had brought her his idea about faking a relationship.
“True, but,” James said, leaning forward and taking her hand. “You came around. And you have to admit, it turned out to be a pretty damn good idea.”
A blush flared across her cheeks and a flash of happiness danced in her eyes before it got chased away by something darker. And then the mask came down and it was just Ellie smiling sweetly at him. “I guess it hasn’t been a total bust.”
James didn’t like whatever darkness he’d just seen in her eyes. He didn’t like the mask she wore around him. Around everyone, really. He wanted to get past the barriers she had set up around her. He wanted to know her. The real Ellie Charles.
But first things first.
“I want to invest in Good Beginnings.”
Surprise dropped her jaw. “What?”
“I have faith in the owner. The business model. I want to support local business. Keep money in the area by funding a locally owned shop rather than letting a big corporate cafe come in and drain Bliss of our resources.”
Ellie was already shaking her head. “I can’t … you can’t …” She pulled her hand from his and sat back in her chair. He knew she would be a hard sell on this, but James was pretty good at getting what he wanted.
“I’m going to give you a couple hundred dollars every two weeks.” Ellie started to protest again and he just kept right on talking. “And you’re going to use it for whatever you need. Pay off credit cards. Pay bills. Upgrade stuff at the cafe. Because, sweet Ellie? What I’m really investing in, what I really believe in, is you.”
Her eyes glistened with tears and gratitude and shame. “I can’t let you do this.”
“You don’t get to tell me what to do. My heart is set on this. And it’s fragile, remember? If you turn me down, you could send me into another downward spiral.”
Ellie laughed and swiped at her eyes. “That’s a low blow, big boy, and you know it.”
“Then it’s decided,” James said, leaning forward and claiming her hand in his own again.
She opened her mouth and then closed it several times, only to open and close it again. She shrugged and flared her fingers, blinking away tears with the practiced air of a professional.
“Ellie Charles. Are you speechless?”
She let out another choking laugh. “I’m speechless.”
“Is that even a thing? You not being able to say anything?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s really not. Typically, I find myself unable to not say anything.”
“I have another question for you. Do you need someone to help with the office stuff? Like, if I’m helping with the counter and the office, would you be able to work in the kitchen?” That damn mask came slamming down over her expression again and he couldn’t read her response. “I’m actually really good with numbers. If I hadn’t decided to go the spoiled trust fund brat route, I could have gone into accounting and been fine.”
She was shaking her head again, her eyes a million miles away. “James … I can’t let you do this.”
“Why?” What was it with her and not accepting help? “I want to help. I have the ability to help. Why won’t you let me?”
She sucked in her lips and closed her eyes. Held her breath. Everything about her went on pause and it took James a second to realize that she was frozen in fear and pain and trying to hold back a torrent of tears.
He stood, the chair scraping back against the tile, his napkin falling from his lap unnoticed, and pulled her into his arms. She took one ragged breath and sagged against him. He waited for her to unleash the sobs he knew she was holding in and she never did. Instead, she grew still again and let out one long, controlled breath.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
He waited for her to continue. Waited for her to accept his offer or tell him to go to hell or make some sort of sound, any sound at all. The silent Ellie in his arms unnerved him. He didn’t know what to do or say and so he just held her, smoothing her hair and wrapping his arms around her small frame.
“James?” she asked, her tiny voice cracking with the weight of the emotion she held in.
“Yes, sweet Ellie?”
“Can I sleep with you tonight? We don’t have to do anything, but will you please hold me tight?”
James didn’t answer. He just swept her up in his arms and cradled her to his chest and took her up to his room.
20
Ellie’s thoughts were snarled and angry and she had no idea why she was reacting the way she was. James wanted to help her. Offered help she needed. She wasn’t great with the books and hiring a new cook was going to take more time and effort than she had to give right now. Her resources—financially, spiritually, emotionally—they were all tapped out. And here James was, offering her the very resources she needed.
Money.
Help.
Support.
And a strong set of arms to wrap around her.
He laid her down on the bed, ever so gently, careful not to shake or disturb her. He pulled the cover back and tucked himself around her, wrapped his body around hers and then pulled her close, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. It was good. So good.
“James?” she said after a long time of listening to the rhythm of his breath playing against the rhythm of her heart.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“Of course.” She could hear the smile in his voice. “But, why are you thanking me?”
She untangled herself from him and flipped over. Moonlight spilled through the windows facing the ocean and bathed the angles of his face in silver and shadow. “For being willing to help me. For holding me when I was about to come undone.”
“And you’re done coming undone?” Even in the dark, she could make out the wicked glimmer of humor in his eyes.
“I seem to have gotten myself re-done. I am no longer undone or in danger of any kind of un-done-ing of any sort.”
James propped his elbow on the pillow and leaned his head in his hand. “You’re accepting my help. I’ll give you the first bit of money tomorrow after work. If you prefer working at the counter instead of being in the kitchen, then we’ll figure out how to best utilize me at Good Beginnings, but you need my help and I have help to offer.”
Ellie started to protest, her pride working her mouth even though every ounce of her begged for the relief it would bring to have him at her side, propping her up when she was just about to fall. James put a finger to her lips and shushed her.
“You’re going to accept my help.” He smiled. “I’ll be offended if you don’t. Besides, it’ll be good for me to have a purpose. Might even help get me out of this funk I’ve been in.”
How did he know exactly what to say? How did he know the two buttons to push to send her over the edge? Of course she didn’t want to offend him and of course she wanted to help him.
She swallowed and her throat tightened around what she wanted to say. “I don’t take help easily—”
James lifted his eyebrow. “You don’t say.”<
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“Okay, smartass. You want to hear what I have to say or don’t you?” Ellie gave him her best stern look, but the chagrined little boy face James put on made it kind of impossible not to smile.
“I’m sorry, Ellie. Please continue.”
“I do better on my own. Every time I let someone in, they let me down. For as long as I can remember. I’m sure there are people out there who wouldn’t let me down, I’m sure it’s just my crazy luck that I keep stumbling across the wrong people, but I decided a long time ago during Traumatic Foster Family Number Four that I’m better off doing things alone.”
She took a breath and waited for James to speak, but he stayed silent. The look in his eyes melted her heart and brought the tears back to the surface again. Compassion lit his face and made it more beautiful than normal and sitting here in the moonlit bedroom, with him looking at her like that, Ellie was a raw nerve. Defenseless. She was open to him and couldn’t decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
“Anyway,” she continued, voice quaking. “I’d love your help at the cafe. I’m not very good with the books. I’m not bad, but they stress me the hell out. And I don’t know how I’m going to hire a new weekend cook, so I’d love you around while I figure out how to make it all work.” A smile broke across his face and she looked away. “But the money? James, I can’t let you do that.”
He put a finger to her chin and lifted her face so she made eye contact with him. “It’s been decided.” She shook her head and tried to look away but he wouldn’t let her. “I have more than I need. More than I deserve. I choose to give some to you. Please don’t fight me on this.”
And for whatever reason, she didn’t. Maybe she was out of fight. Maybe she had opened her walls and let him in and didn’t want to close him out again. Maybe it was the look in his eyes or the feel of his skin on hers as he ran his thumb against her lips. Maybe it was a combination of all those things.
“Okay,” she whispered. “Thank you.”
She became overly aware of her heart clamoring in her chest, her breath tearing through her parted lips. The rustle of the ocean lapping against the beach. The scent of James’s skin, so close to hers. His lips, parting. His breath rustling in her hair.
His thumb traced her lips again and she darted her tongue out to taste him. His sharp intake of breath sent a jolt of electricity through her veins, ignited her body in a surge of heat. She pulled his thumb into her mouth, sucked on it and looked up at him through her eyelashes. His chest heaved and his eyes grew hungry, predatory and heavy with passion.
He shifted, pulling his thumb from her mouth and pressing his lips to hers. He kissed her softly, gently, as if he were afraid to move quickly, afraid to scare her away. His hands smoothed over her hair, traced her jaw and then came to rest on her cheeks. She opened to him, parting her lips and wrapping a leg around him, threading her fingers in his hair and returning his kiss with a passion she wasn’t prepared for.
She needed him. Needed his skin pressed to hers. Needed him to fill her. To protect her. She’d shown herself to him, been weak for him, and now she needed him to take her. To prove she was safe.
She ran her hands up under his shirt. “I love how strong you are,” she whispered against his lips as her fingers explored the ridges of his abs, the swell of his pecs.
He nuzzled her neck, kissing down her collarbone and pausing to pull her shirt over her head. “And I love how soft you are,” he said, kissing along the edges of her bra. Ellie arched her back, needing his lips on her, needing him to take her, to make her feel okay.
She pulled on his shirt, lifting it over his head and pressed her body against his. Skin to skin. Warmth to warmth. Hard to soft. His deft fingers unhooked her bra and flung it to the floor. Undid the button on her pants and slid them off. She lay on her back, her hair a halo of darkness spread across the white linen pillowcase.
“Sweet Ellie,” he murmured, looking down at her with too much compassion, too much care, too much emotion in his eyes. She couldn’t bare to see him like this. Couldn’t bare to see him want her and need her the same way she wanted him and needed him. It was too much. She couldn’t handle it. Her heart swelled until she thought it would burst and her throat tightened again. Too much emotion. Too much truth.
He slid his jeans off, his erection springing free and straining towards her and he was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. He kissed an ankle, and a calf, his mouth leading him up her legs, his hands tracing gentle paths up to her belly. He traced his tongue across her slit and she moaned, her core throbbing with need.
“Please, James. I need you. I need you inside me.” As she said it, she realized that she didn’t just mean physically. She needed him in her heart, past her defenses. She needed him to know all of her.
“I need to be inside you, too, sweet Ellie.”
She didn't have time to wonder if he understood what she really meant, if he knew that she needed him on more than one level. James positioned himself between her legs and in one slow thrust, sheathed himself deep inside her. She cried out and he groaned. Began rocking his hips and kissing her, his lips claiming hers.
“I need you,” she said, turning her head to the side as his movement gained speed and force, building her orgasm.
“I know.” He kissed her jawline. Suckled at her breast. “And I need you, too.”
His admission pushed her over the edge, her muscles clenching around him as she cried out, fists buried in the sheets at her side.
James sat up, grabbed her hips and put her legs up over his shoulders, increasing the friction, hitting a spot so deep inside her she didn’t know what to do with herself. He was taking her to a place she’d never been before, driving deeper and deeper, claiming more and more of her as his. Her first orgasm rolled right into a second and she came harder than she ever had before, her voice keening and sobbing as she gave herself to him.
With one final thrust, James came inside her, shuddering and collapsing down on top of her. His body pressed down on hers, sheltering her from the world, hiding even the moonlight. For one glorious moment felt safe, and then James went rigid. Sat up, eyes wide.
“Oh, fuck.”
She sat up on her elbows, fully aware that he was still inside her, but so afraid of his reaction. “What?”
“Oh, Ellie …” James swallowed hard. “Please tell me you’re on the pill.”
21
“Yes,” Ellie said while everything inside her was screaming the truth. “I’m on the pill.” She had no idea why she lied to him. None whatsoever. But now that the lie was out, she couldn’t bring herself to take it back. Couldn’t stand the thought of seeing his face crumble with fear over what they’d just done.
He collapsed back on top of her, relief evident in the long breath he released. The sagging weight of his body as he let go of all the tension his fear had built inside him. “I’m clean, by the way,” he said. She almost didn’t hear him over the clamor of thoughts in her head. “Thought it’d be a good idea to get tested after I started, ummm, you know…”
James sat up and sought out eye contact and Ellie nodded, not trusting her words yet. What had she done? They’d just shared an amazingly intimate moment, one unlike anything she had ever experienced in all her life and she finished it off by lying to him? Ellie’s stomach spun and bile rose in her throat. What kind of person was she? Here he was being amazing to her, taking care of her, offering her money and help at work and a place to stay when she needed it. Wrapping her up in his arms and helping her feel safe.
And she repays it with dishonesty?
James caressed her cheek, leaned in for a kiss, smoothed her hair back from her face. “I got you,” he said. “I know you’ve been doing this whole life thing by yourself for a long time. But you’ve got me now and you’ll see how much better things can be when you’re part of a team.”
Ellie smiled and the tears that she had spent the evening fighting finally overwhelmed her.
Just tell him
! Tell him you’re not on birth control, screamed one part of her.
Don’t tell him. There’s no need for him to worry for the next couple weeks. The deed is done, rationalized the other part.
You’ll lose him if you don’t tell.
You’ll lose him if you do tell.
And then, the worst thought of all. It doesn’t matter because he’s not yours anyway.
James pulled her into his lap, the sheets bunching up underneath her legs, and held her close. He rocked her and whispered to her, letting her cry and promising that he was going to make things okay. Ellie sobbed. She sobbed for the woman who, after decades of locking people out had let someone in. She sobbed because she lied. She sobbed because she wanted to be honest with James just as much as she never wanted to admit that when it mattered most, she hid from him.
After a while, longer than she liked, she finally got herself under control. “Thank you,” she said, wiping her eyes.
“You don’t have to keep thanking me,” James said, slipping out from underneath her and grabbing a clean set of underwear and a pair of sweatpants from a drawer.
“I’m sorry.”
James headed into the bathroom, flicking on the light and winking at her from the doorway. “Don’t be sorry either.”
While he brushed his teeth, Ellie disappeared into the guest room to retrieve a set of pajamas and her toothbrush. She banished all thoughts of birth control, all thoughts about the terrible lie she told. Put them in a little box in the corner of her heart until morning when she could look at them intelligently. Besides, the chances of her being pregnant were next to zero.
Right?
And she could just stop in and get some samples of the pill at her gynecologist and everything was going to be okay.
Right?
* * *
Her outlook was way more positive after spending a night in James’s bed, his arm draped protectively around her, his breath rustling in her ear. He groaned when the alarm on her phone went off.
