***
I brought my laptop out to the middle of the backyard and sat down. My whole body was shaking. Nervously, I opened the laptop, went to my email, and clicked the attachment.
Augustus’ handwriting was messy, and sometimes crooked, and the color of the pen changed every few lines. He’d clearly written this during his last couple of weeks.
I started reading.
What up bro bro!
Dude I was wondering if you could do me a solid: I’m trying to write this eulogy for Hazel. I have notes and everything, but I’m having a hard time putting it all together. I know you’re a master at taking what other people have written and making it into one single awesome thing, so could you do that for me? I will owe you big time. Anyway, here are my notes:
Most people – myself included – are obsessed with leaving a mark on the world. They want to outlast death. Bequeath a legacy. Be remembered. I wanted all this, too.
I wanted to leave a mark.
But most people end up leaving just scars. You try to do something with your life, something special, in order to leave a mark. But ultimately, the legacy you leave is just a legacy of pain and hurt.
Hazel is different. Hazel realizes that the only way not to hurt people is to not actually try to do anything with your life. She’s figured out that doing nothing with your life is the most noble life of all.
An outsider might look at Hazel’s life as very ordinary, perhaps even less than ordinary. It consists solely of watching TV and wasting time with a boy and texting during Support Group. But I ask those observers: what life is better?
Hazel’s also sorta hot sometimes, and pretty good at hooking up. Not the best, mind you, but pretty frickin’ good.
The big choice you make in this world is not what to do with your life. The biggest choice is who to do nothing with your life with. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers too.
I do, Augustus.
Except that you’re missing a leg.
But aside from that, I do.
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
In the months since this book was first published, many, many readers have written me letters and emails asking what happens to Hazel after the end of the book. PLEASE DO NOT WRITE ME ANY SUCH LETTERS OR EMAILS. Hazel is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER and anyone who asks what happens to her after the book is a fucking moron. Just stop already.
–John Green
ABOUT THE (REAL) AUTHOR
STEVE LOOKNER began his writing career as an editor of The Harvard Lampoon, and has written for such TV shows as Saturday Night Live and MADtv. He’s now one of Amazon’s top parody authors. Be sure to check out Steve’s other parodies:
The Maze Bummer: A Parody of The Maze Runner
Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl
The Relief Fisher: A Parody of Mariano Rivera’s “The Closer”
You can email Steve at [email protected]
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The Fault in Our Pants: A Parody of The Fault in Our Stars Page 9
