by Heidi Acosta
“I am going to dance.” Katie stands up and stomps off in the direction of her cream puff friends. Good. Barbie has her arms around Third’s neck now; he leans in and whispers in her ear. Too close, my feet are moving without me thinking.
“Can I talk to you?” I lean in to say to her, the smell of sugar enveloping me. I breathe in deep.
“What’s up bro?” Third’s voice sounds threatening.
“Please.” I try again.
“Fine. Third, do you mind?” she asks. She will not look at me.
Third shrugs, “Sure, Roxie wanna dance?” He asks Morticia.
I follow her outside the back of the school. She walks fast, upset. I want to pull her to me, tell her how wrong I have been. That I need her, I need her more than I ever needed anything before. I need her to breathe.
“What do you want to say, Dylan.” Her back is facing me.
“I am sorry.” It is weak, but it is all I have. “I was so wrong.”
She spins; her eyes are watery, “For what, the truth? You were right we don’t belong together, we are too different.” Her chest heaves.
“I was wrong, we do belong together…we can work this out.”
Chapter 30.
Last Kiss
My heart pounds hard there is a lump growing in my throat. His dark eyes look into mine. I can see the hurt in them and I want to take it away for him. But I cannot anymore. I am the one that put it there. He was right, we do not belong together, and now he wants to take it back. But you can’t take back the truth. I shake my head, the tears fall. He pulls me to him.
“Don’t.” I say going limp against him. My body has been aching for so long for him to touch me. Knowing we cannot be together only makes the ache intensify, and the pain of the truth stings with each breath.
“I have been going crazy watching you, wanting to touch you. Needing to speak to you.” He says into my hair. “I need to touch you,” he runs his hand down my arm.
A shiver runs up my arm. I want him to touch me again.
“I overreacted. What ever happened I can forget. We can we can move on,” he says desperately.
My sadness is replaced with anger. I want to hit him. “Nothing happed. You didn’t even give me a chance to explain,” I yell. I let my anger push me forward. I walk away from him watching the lightning shatter the night sky.
“I know I was an ass, said things I regret saying. It is not an excuse, but I was just so damn mad I could not think clear. All I was thinking was that you were mine and he touched you. You never let me into your world and you let Third in.” he drops his head in his hands. “I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but—”
I am so angry my body shakes. I cut him off. “Do you know why I never invited you in my world, Dylan? I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed that sometimes I can’t go home because my mom is too trashed.” My body shakes from the tears that fall, “That my mom’s boyfriend hits on me and it makes me sick. How do I tell you those things?” My shoulders slump defeated. “I was embarrassed…when I was with you, you made me forget.” Tears fall and I want to run “I just wanted to keep you separate…”
He closes the space between us grabbing my hands “I would have understood you should have trusted me. What we had—”
“Was fake!” I cut him off and pull away so he cannot see me coming undone.
“Maybe in the beginning, but it is real. What I feel for you is real. What you feel for me…”
My heart aches and the ever present wound on my heart opens again and bleeds. Why can’t things be simple? He intertwines his finger with mine. Electricity runs over my body. My body reacts when my heart and mind are screaming to run. I turn to him and let him wrap his arms around me again. “Dylan…we can’t,” I say breathless.
He leans his forehead on mine, his breath intermingles with mine and we breathe as one. “Why?” he asks just as breathless. My body aches for him. I want to fall into him. I want to feel every cell of mine touched by the electricity that is licking my skin where he touches me. “Barbie I love you,” and with those simple words I am exposed, ripped open for the whole world to see. How could he love me? With everything that happened, how? My head spins, I feel like I might be lost at any moment. I can’t breathe; my chest tightens threatening to strangle the life out of me. “Barbie?” Dylan grips my elbows and I am so thankful because I don’t think I can support myself anymore. He guides me to the ground. I grip on to the grass trying to anchor myself to the world. “Are you okay?” Concern laces his words, “Maybe I should go get someone.” He starts to get up.
“No,” I grab his arm. “I am okay.” I look into his eyes, worry deep in the vertex of brown. “Please take back your words,” I plead. I need him to; I need to go back to not caring to feel numb.
“What?” he looks as if I slapped him.
“Please.”
He shakes his head, “I am not taking it back, Barbie. I love you.”
Tears burn down my cheek, I can’t have him love me, and I cannot love someone else. I am too damaged and he deserves so much more.
He grabs my face forcing me to look at him. “I am sorry for what I put you through I was wrong.”
I came to terms with the fact he could never fit in my life; there is no spot for him. Why can’t he. He kisses me, his mouth on mine. Filling me up, I feel like I am going to explode and the world around me shatters.
***
I run. I couldn’t stand to have him touch me a single second more. The raw emotion coursing through me propels me forward. I push open the gym door searching for Third. I need to get out of here. Students move together in a slow rhythm of a dance as I push through them. Sweat beads at my back. I feel claustrophobic as if the world might close in on me at any moment.
I find Third. He is locked in an embrace with Roxie, kissing on the dance floor. Her long black hair covering them, his tacky powder-blue arms are wrapped around her. I push past them and run out the front of the door. Thunder crashes above me threatening to rain. I take deep gulps of the humid air; it sticks to my lungs in a thick coating. How could things get so screwed up? One moment I was dancing and having a good time, trying to forget about Dylan, and in the next moment I am desperately trying to escape his confession of love. I cannot have him in my life. I cannot care about him that way. He belongs with Katie not me. When high school ends he will go on onto college, become something great. Marry Katie and have the perfect life. And me…I will leave, take Everett away from this place. It starts to rain mixing with my salty tears. I will not ask him to give up on his chance at life for me. My life is already set in stone, and if I really love him, I will let him go. I walk down the sidewalk, my hair dripping with the rain. Each breath I take is a stabbing pain. A reminder of what I am losing. I want to collapse on the sidewalk and crawl into the fetal position and just cry.
I stop in front of my house and take in the picture. The stark difference between Dylan life and mine. The peeling gray paint, a loose shutter swaying in the wind. The overgrown patches of weeds in the front yard, the gate rusting. I want to turn and run. Run back to Dylan, I want to not care if I am with him or what happens. I force myself to go inside. I want my mother, I want her to hold me, tell me that everything will be okay. I leave my shoes by the door, my wet slick feet slide on the floor. The house is lit up like a damn Christmas tree, every light is on.
“Momma,” I call my voice soar from crying. She does not answer. The ache in my chest is replaced by nausea, something is wrong.
The TV is playing the evening news, the volume is up loud, and the anchor woman is talking in a high- pitched voice about drugs in high schools. I turn down the volume, when I see her sitting in the corner of the couch. Her knees are bobbing up and down frantically. She takes a drag from her cigarette flicking the ashes absentmindedly on to the floor.
“Momma what’s wrong?” her head snaps in my direction. I feel like I have been hit in the stomach, I take a sharp breath. Her
eye is swollen purple, a thin line of blood trickles from her nose.
“Barbie.” Her eyes go in and out of focus.
I run to her, “What the hell happened? Did he do this to you?” The color red blurs my vision. I am going to kill him.
She brings her hand to her eye fingering the sensitive skin around her eye where a bruise is forming. “He didn’t mean to,” she sobs.
Of course they never mean to, it is always her fault when she gets hit. “I was stupid,” she reaches for another cigarette out of the white and green package, lighting it up. “I shouldn’t be getting in the way. He is just doing the right thing.” She takes a deep drag and I try to make sense of her ramblings. She focuses on me. “He’s got to learn somehow.” Her words make no sense.
“Momma, what are you talking about?” My stomach lurches and my anger quickly turns into panic. “Where is Everett?” I ask.
She looks at me blinking.
“Mom. Where is Everett?” I scream.
She glances down the hall and back at me. Shit. I dart up and she grabs my arm.
“You can’t,” she says. “No you can’t! I am going to kill that asshole.” I yank my arm out of her grasp and run down the hall. I don’t know if she follows me, but something happens to my body. I feel like I am in a dream. My whole body relaxes, and it is if I move in slow motion, seeing each precise movement. Everything is clear. I cannot feel anything, I don’t recognize my feet. I am floating. I turn the door knob to the shut room. Ronnie stands over someone huddled in the corner, his arm raised, a metal hanger in his hand. The world snaps into motion speeding up, and anger courses through me and I want to kill him, make him bleed. I want to see his life drain out of him. I grab the hanger pulling it back, he stumbles backward.
The smell of liquor is strong on his breath, and his eyes are bloodshot A gleam with amusement dart around them, when he sees me, “You want to play little girl?” He taunts me. The cold metal snaps across my face, a sting I cannot feel, my hand automatically goes to my cheek feeling the raised hot skin. “I will teach you a lesson just like I taught your little retard brother,” he smiles at me.
Everett. Everett. Oh god Everett, my stomach drops. He is huddled in the corner, red welts raised on his skin; his blue eyes lock on mine. Guilt washes over me. I left him. I left him for what, so I could be a normal teenager for the night. Was it worth it? I hate Ronnie doing this. I hate my mother for letting this happen, but most of all I hate myself for leaving him.
The sting of the metal hits me across the face again. Bringing me back to reality, “I am going to fucking kill you,” I lunge at him, raking my nails down his face. There is screaming I do not know if it comes from him or me, perhaps it comes from my mother who watches with a horrified expression. I swing my fist as hard as I can to make contact with whatever I can manage. I don’t get many in before he slams me into the wall, his heavy body presses against mine, and digs his shoulder into my chest I cannot breathe. I kick at him my toes screaming with every hit. His big meaty hand reaches up cupping my face. And my head is slammed against the wall. The room sways and a shooting pain shoots across my skull. I scratch and pull at anything I can grab. He releases me and I slide down the wall, hitting the floor hard.
“Ronnie, come on let’s get out of here, baby!” My mother pleads with him. He pushes her onto the bed snapping her head back with a sickening motion.
“Not until I teach this little bitch to show some respect.” He spits and begins to unbuckle his belt. I try to scout over to where Everett lies still warped in a ball.
I hear a sickening slap, and then he kicks me in my stomach. I don’t know how many times he kicks me I lose count and stop trying to get up after the second one. “You little whore I am going to kill you and enjoy every moment of It.” he spits in my face. His hand wraps around my hair and I am yanked up my feet. I try to stop the searing pain in my head and get to my feet, but he pulls hard and I am being dragged backward down the hall, he slams my face into the wall dragging it along the wall to the kitchen. “You think you are so much better than me don’t you?” he slams my back onto the corner of the counter. The room tilts side to side. That’s funny. “You scared my face, you, now I am going to do the same to yours.” He slams my face into the edge of the counter. Everything goes black.
I wake. I am lying on the floor. My vision has a gray haze around it. I watch Ronnie’s heavy motorcycle boots stomp on the floor. He opens drawers dumping their contents onto the floor. He is going to kill me. I close my eyes and remember Dylan. I want to remember the ones I love before I die. I think about Dylan and our last kiss, how electricity ran through me. How happy I was when we were together. I think about my mother, how she brushed my hair, the warm feeling I had lying against her. Then I think of Everett his blue eyes looking at me as if to say you left me, how could you have left me.
I force my eyes open. I cannot leave him, not again. Never again. The room rocks as I struggle to get up. My mother is saying something to Ronnie, I cannot hear her. There is a loud ringing that has started in my ears. Ronnie shrugs my mother off.
I crawl on my hands and knees slipping on something wet. Something else crashes and my whole body spasms. I have to get to Everett. I bite down the scream on my lip as I try to get to my feet. My body protests with each slow step I take. Something hits the wall hard shaking it and my mother screams. I don’t have time to go back to her I have to get Everett first. I wipe at my blurry eyes with my hand, it comes away with a sticky red liquid on them.
Everett lies in the corner. “Evie,” I whisper. “Come on bud, we got to get out of here.” I plead afraid I cannot get him to safety. Ronnie might kill me tonight but I will be damned if he is going to hurt Everett ever again. My head hurts and I think I am going to be sick. Please God don’t let me pass out. “Come on bud,” I plead touching his small body. I try to pick him up, but my ribs scream in protest when I try to stand.
Heavy feet crash down the hall and Ronnie is shouts my name. I ignore every protesting bone and pick up Everett, my baby. Ronnie is almost at the door. I pull open the heavy window and drop Everett down to the hard ground below and slip out behind him. I fall down next to him. I bite down on my lip until I taste copper, holding in the scream of pain back and the bile that burns in my throat.
The bedroom door slamming against the wall is followed by a series of curses coming out the window. I am up, Everett in my arms. I have to get him out of here. I can hear Ronnie calling my name as I stumble down the street. Each step sends a sharp stabbing of pain in my head. The streets are slick from the recent rain, lightning lights up the distance skies.
Mrs. Sophie’s house is dark; she must have gone to bed. I lay Everett down under her hedge next to her front door. “Don’t move.” It is not big enough to cover the both of us. It will keep him hidden from Ronnie. I start stumbling, I need to get help. I need to keep Ronnie away from Everett. I can hear his heavy footsteps behind me, and the taunt of my name on his lips. I need to lead him as far away from Everett as I can. I hear a sickening thump, I fall down, and the world goes black. Black. I am falling into black nothingness. Blue flashing lights. Black. A soft cooing sound. Black.
Chapter 31.
Desperate
I take the back of the camera off. I have been working on it for some time now. Last night I couldn’t go back into the dance it seemed juvenile, not important. I walked to my grandpa’s farm and looked through all the photos in the barn. Barbie’s words crashing into me. Why did I give a shit what these fucking people thought? I carried a box of old pictures and the old cameras back home. I spent the night pinning up each picture on my wall. It felt good, like I was doing something for my grams memory, and a statement to Barbie to prove to her and everyone else that I don’t give a shit what they thought anymore, the only one that matters is her.
I can’t live without her; I have to have her in my life. If she will not have me that will really suck. I can be her friend at least. I will be
in her life in some way. I know she doesn’t love me, but I need to be part of her life. She made me feel more alive, I was walking around in a dream and she woke me up.
I open the envelope of the newly devolved prints. I stopped off at the local Walgreens on my way home. Out spill images of Barbie and my breath hitches, her spinning around. A sultry smile playing on her lips. Her lips on my cheek. My stomach tightens. Shit. I messed things up. I pin each picture of her on my ceiling over my bed, even the ones of just me, because she took them and that was how she saw me.
I can’t stay here; I grab my keys and bolt down the stairs. I need to clear my mind with all that happened. I need to try to come up with a plan to fix what I broke. I not only managed to chase away the girl of my dreams. I also managed to lose my best friend, okay my only real friend. I was wrong blaming Barbie and Third for my insecurities. It was easier than facing them…
***
I pull out the rusty nails from the loose boards, “Needing to work out some anger?” A deep voice says. I slam the hammer onto a nail. He chuckles, “Women, they work us up. It is what they do.” I drop my hammer to my side and look at him, his checkered shirt tucked neatly into his jeans, a shiny belt buckle holding them up. “I built that room when your grandma left me,” he sighs and walks over touching the wood as if it can bring him to a different time and place.
“She left you?” I ask, shocked to find out about this revelation. All my memories of my grandparents, they seemed so happy.
“Sure enough, she had this thing for Norbert Jones, sorry son of bitch.” He sits down on a bale of hay.
“But, you seemed so in love.” I remember when my grandmother was alive how grandpa would love to come up behind her when she was cooking and wrap his arms around her.
“Love ain’t always easy,” he shakes his head.
“How did you get her back?” I ask.
“I didn’t. I came out here and built this room, it took me weeks. I put every hurt into it. Then I thought to myself, Bill you are going to be all right, it is going to hurt like hell, but you’re going to be okay. Then she walked through those doors,” he points to the barn door “Hell I thought I gone and fell of the ladder and died. She was like an angel standing there. Her long brown hair…” he shakes his head clearing the memory. He picks up a hammer, “Working with your hands is a great way to clear your head.” He starts in on a nail, “It’s going to hurt like hell son, it will never go away, but you are going to be okay.”
