by C. A. Harms
“Do you think it was Robby?” I asked.
“I know it was.”
I reached for the door handle and climbed out of her tiny-ass clown car. She watched me as I rounded the front and walked toward her driver’s door, opened it, and motioned for her to move over. “Come on.”
“What are you doing?” she asked looking confused, but she climbed over the console and into the passenger seat.
“I’m driving to your place so we can make sure it’s secure.” My mind yelled at me for getting involved, but my heart was telling me to protect her.
“So which way do I go?” I asked.
“Mason Road,” she whispered, and my stomach dropped. There were only two houses on that road that I knew of: one large brick home that once belonged to an elderly couple, which had the biggest garden I’d seen in the city of Irving, and a small house at the end of the street that looked like it should be condemned. When I was growing up, all the kids thought the place was haunted.
I remained silent and only offered her a nod as I placed the car in drive and began moving toward the city I vowed to stay far away from.
The closer I got, the more my stomach twisted. Turning off Henderson Lane onto Mason, I looked over at her when I approached the brick home, but she continued to look ahead.
I was hopeful that maybe Robby had done one thing right and given her a nice home to raise their son in, but as I approached the end of the road, I saw the white, rundown shack hadn’t changed much from how I remembered it. The porch looked as if the weight of a squirrel would cause it to crumble. The shutters were crooked, and the plywood over the front picture window only made it look worse.
As I came to a stop in her driveway, I tried swallowing past the thickness in my throat before turning to look at Jenny.
“Home sweet home,” she whispered sarcastically as she stared straight ahead ahead as if lost in some far-off place.
I couldn’t take it anymore, so I did what I’d been fighting not to do all day. I pulled her close and held her, promising everything would be all right as she cried on my shoulder.
And in some crazy way, that small gesture eased my tension. Apparently Jenny wasn’t the only one who needed comforting.
“At least they boarded up the window,” Jenny said as we stood in her living room assessing the damage.
I could tell she had done her best to make this shithole a home. In fact, calling it a shithole was actually a compliment. It had a musty smell, and the water stains on the ceiling told me the roof had leaked somewhere. The living room was the size of my bathroom in my house in Charlotte, North Carolina. In five steps, I was already on the other side.
There was a hole in the wall where it had been hit with a chair that was now lying on the floor with one broken leg. Glass covered the floor, and the couch cushions were torn.
I had intended to put Landyn down so I could make sure the place was safe, but the damage only made me hold on to him just a little tighter as I continued to look around.
“Here,” Jenny said, stepping up in front of me, “I can take him.”
I shook my head, feeling suddenly protective of the little guy. “I got ’im,” I assured her, ignoring the questioning look she gave me.
A part of me wanted to say, “Come with me, leave this life behind, let me keep you safe,” but I knew it wasn’t my place. After this weekend, I’d be off to my next race and she’d be back to her own life. It wasn’t up to me to save her, but it was almost impossible to convince my heart of that.
“We could stay at my parents’,” she said, but I could tell the idea made her nervous.
Jenny’s father was a strong-willed man who believed in making a marriage last, no matter the circumstances. According to him, women should stand by their man, keep their mouths shut, and be a good little wives. He wasn’t always the greatest role model to his daughter when she was growing up, and I watched more than once as he treated his own wife as if she owed him everything, including her dignity.
Yeah, I’d never cared much for old man Preston. He was the main reason Jenny married Robby at such a young age. He refused to allow her to be seen as some jezebel throughout the city after she got pregnant and gave her no other choice to “pay for her mistakes”—his words, not mine.
“Why don’t you let me take you two back to my parents’?” It was as if my heart spoke before my mind had a chance to catch up. Only moments ago I was convinced I should walk away and stay out of this mess; now I was offering to take her with me to the very place I’d also be sleeping. Something told me this would turn out messy.
But the appreciative, relieved way she looked at me made the self-made misery I knew I was about to face feel almost worth it.
“You sure it’ll be all right with them?” she asked.
“Yeah, they’ll be okay with it,” I assured her. “Tomorrow we’ll figure this all out. My father will help set things straight.”
“Let me just grab a few things.” She hurried off toward the stairs, and I pulled my phone from my back pocket and quickly scrolled through my contacts to my father’s number. Landyn stirred in my arms, and I did my best to soothe him, hoping he remained asleep.
After two rings he answered. “You almost here?”
“We got a problem.” I scanned over the room, anger filling my chest again. “Robby tore her place up while she was gone. I can’t leave them here, Dad.”
“Load ’em up.”
I knew he’d say it, and that was all the confirmation I needed.
My parents knew how I felt for Jenny, and even though I denied my feelings to them, I think it was now more than obvious that was a lie.
I’d never forgive myself if I left and something worse happened. It was time to give them both a little security.
JENNY
LEAVING MY HOME this morning, I would never have guessed I’d be in the situation I was in now. My room was shredded, my clothes thrown everywhere. The furniture had even been turned over as if Robby had been looking for something. I don’t know if he was looking for money or for something else entirely, but it seemed he left no space untouched. I was just thankful Landyn was asleep and didn’t see the destruction. He would have been devastated to see what his room looked like.
If I had it my way, I’d have it cleaned and everything his father had broken replaced before Landyn stepped foot back in there. I didn’t know how I’d do that yet, but I’d figure out something. That was what I did: pick myself up and brush off the dust. There wasn’t room for “pity mes,” only time for the “moving ons.”
“Jenny, you coming?”
I jumped at the sound of Sean’s voice from behind me. His arm circled my waist and he pulled my body back against him. I hadn’t felt as safe as I did right then in such a long time. I knew I shouldn’t be letting myself think this was anything more than a compassionate man showing a woman support in a time of need, but I couldn’t stop it.
This was Sean.
And though for years we’ve been worlds apart, he was still the boy I loved. The boy who no matter what made me feel good about life before everything went to shit. He allowed me to cry on his shoulder when times had gotten tough, and on those nights when I just couldn’t sleep, he’d stay up for hours talking to me and making me laugh. Sometimes he would just hold my hand without speaking any words at all, because he knew that just being close seemed to always make things better for me.
So without another thought I turned and wrapped my arms around him, and around Landyn, who he still held close.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“For what?” he murmured.
I took a moment to breathe him in, because even though six years had passed since he’d last held me, he still had that same scent I remembered. Like fresh laundry and spice. It was the best thing in the world.
That scent reminded me of the “us” we used to be.
He gently stroked my back, and when I looked up at him, I realized he probably hadn’t even comprehended
what he was doing. Our eyes locked, and for a moment it was as if time stood still.
I wanted to bottle up that moment and save if forever, because I couldn’t remember the last time I had ever felt that at peace.
He tilted his head to the side, and the hand that had been rubbing my back came around to cup my cheek. “What are you thanking me for, Jen?”
The way he looked at me almost made me forget what I had said only seconds ago. He always made me feel so valued, so precious, it was something I had longed so many times, and there he was offering it without acknowledgment.
I’d give anything to have him look at me like this forever. “I know this is the last thing you expected to be doing tonight. But you being here helps more than I can ever tell you.”
He nodded, just slightly but enough for me to notice.
“I know you don’t want to hear it, but I am sorry,” I said and he closed his eyes. “And I have missed you every day since you’ve been gone. I wanted to reach out so many times, but I was too scared of how you’d react. I always knew what we had back then was special, but until I lost it, I didn’t know its depths.”
He leaned in toward me and my heart rate picked up. When he rested his forehead against mine, I felt a tinge of disappointment because somewhere deep down I had hoped he’d been moving in for a kiss.
I had no one else to blame for the predicament I now found myself in. And allowing myself to believe Sean and I would ever be more than just friends was just setting myself up for heartache.
“I won’t lie and say I didn’t miss you too,” he said, and my heart ached just a little more. “But right now we just need to get you and Landyn out of here. We can talk about the rest later.”
After a few more seconds, he stepped back, and I instantly missed his comfort.
“’Kay,” I said, turning from him to hide the disappointment I was sure covered my face. I moved through the rubble to salvage what I could.
A strange silence filled the room, and I was too afraid to look back. I knew if I did, I may fall apart, and right now I couldn’t afford to be weak.
But eventually the urge became too hard to fight, and when I looked over my shoulder and found that Sean had left, I took a moment to relieve the tears I had been doing everything I could to hold back.
That night, I lay in the spare bedroom of the Nichols home with my son tucked close at my side as I stared up at the ceiling.
I thought I’d be able to sleep, since my entire body felt weak and sluggish from the exhaustion of the day, but I was wrong. The quietness only gave my mind more room to run wild.
For the last few hours, I’d been thinking back to where my life had gone wrong and imagining where I’d be now if I could have a do-over. Hell, if I was being honest, I’d been imagining that for the last six years. In this fantasy world inside my mind, Landyn and I knew such an immense amount of love. This love didn’t judge or wither, and it only grew stronger with each day.
I was playing a dangerous game with myself, I know, but I didn’t let it stop me. This fantasy was the only place where I lived carefree and without all the continued heartache.
A light tap on the door made my heart leap with surprise. I remained perfectly still as the door opened and Sean poked his head inside.
“Hey,” he said as he moved toward to the bed with ease. “I just wanted to check on you both. Make sure you had everything you needed.”
After everything that had happened between us, his kindness still surprised me. He didn’t owe me anything, yet he still cared about me, even though he tried to fight it. I could see it in his eyes; they never lied.
“We’re okay,” I replied, hoping like crazy he didn’t hear the doubt in my voice.
He surprised me when he took a seat beside me on the bed and looked between me and Landyn as if deep in thought. I didn’t speak, only allowed him to get lost in his head. And after a few moments of silence, he spoke.
“Every year when it was time to return to Fort Worth, I’d come up with some excuse so I didn’t have to stay here in Irving.” My chest tightened at these words. I knew just why he never wanted to return. “I’d pay for my parents to stay in a hotel near the track, and I’d spend my time there with them. Even on the holidays I’d convince them to come to wherever I was staying at the time. I even offered to pay their way just so my mother wouldn’t have a choice but to accept.”
He took in a deep breath, and I remained silent because I honestly had no idea what to say.
“It was just too hard,” he began once again. “This town and even this home held too many memories.” He looked around the room, the same one that had once been his own. “Memories of you,” he whispered. “Memories of the way things used to be and the way I’d imagined that one day they’d become.”
I wanted to apologize again, but nothing I could say, no amount of sorries or tears, would ever be able to change our past, so I held back.
He looked toward me and cleared his throat, which only made holding back my own emotions harder. But before I could say anything, he leaned over and gently kissed my forehead. “Get some sleep, Buttercup,” he whispered just before pulling back with a teasing smile on his face.
It was a name he and Robby had called me years ago, and I believe his mom was the one who first used it. It drove me crazy back then, but now it warmed my heart. Sean using it meant he and I may be able to share even a small amount of what we once had. It gave me hope that maybe I hadn’t ruined any chance of us ever being friends, and it also meant my son would possibly get the chance to know such an amazing man.
Yes, this was a lot to lay on one small gesture, but I knew it to be true, because only hours ago, this sweet man could barely look at me without feeling betrayed. And now here he was, making sure my son and I were safe.
And the love I had always felt for Sean only grew stronger.
“You too, Doodle Bug.” I bit my lip to keep from laughing, knowing he’d hate hearing that name. His mom used to tease him with it, and when we were teenagers, I used it with him to get my way.
He groaned, and as he sat back up, I caught the smile on his face despite the darkness of the room. “I hated that damn name,” he said.
“I know,” I replied. “But I loved it.”
“You always did enjoy torturing me with it.” He finally stood and stepped back from the bed.
Being this relaxed in his presence felt amazing. Yes, we still needed to discuss several things, but we were okay now.
For a few seconds, he stood near the bed, staring back at me in the darkness as if he had more to say. I remained silent for fear of interrupting his thoughts, then he turned around and walked away without speaking, leaving me disappointed. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he said just before he opened the door and stepped out into the lit hallway.
SEAN
“CAN’T SLEEP?”
I jerked at the sound of my father’s voice. I’d been sitting at the kitchen table, obviously losing track of time, as I tried to figure out what to do next.
“Just got lost in thought,” I confessed as he took a seat across from me. I lifted the now-lukewarm beer I had gotten long ago and took a swig.
When my father chuckled, I realized I’d apparently expressed how awful it tasted.
I watched as he pushed back from the table and moved toward the fridge. After he removed two beer bottles from the top shelf, he closed the fridge and moved back to me. He carefully slid one across the oak tabletop before taking a seat once again and lifting his own beer to his lips.
“Tell me what’s on your mind, son, even though I’m sure I already know.”
My emotions were all over the place, and part of me wanted to pack up tonight and head back to Fort Worth, but the part that wanted to stay was overpowering.
“Why do I still feel so strongly about her?” I finally asked, because I’d been trying to figure it out for far too many hours and was still coming up empty. “I shouldn’t want to save her; it’s not up to me
. Right?”
I looked up at my dad and tried to read his expression, but the man was the hardest person to read. He was the mayor of Irving and spent years creating a certain image, but it never stopped him from having a good heart-to-heart with me.
And I was more than willing for him to enlighten me, because I was lost.
“I’ve always said you were built for great things, and, son, I couldn’t be more proud of you.”
I may be a twenty-five-year-old man, but I was still moved when my dad spoke like that. His approval had always meant so much to me.
“You’re a good man,” he continued, “with a damn good heart. And though she may have made the wrong choice years ago, I think we both know Robby and Jenny were never meant to be. Deep down I know you knew that too.”
“But she—”
He held his hand up. “She messed up. She was young and vulnerable, and she made the wrong choice at the time.” He lowered his hand. “But that choice brought her Landyn, and I can tell you that the love you have for a child can outweigh all things, even the worst of things.
“Your mother and I knew when you and Jenny were kids that you had this connection. When we watched you play, it was almost as if you both knew what the other was thinking.” I knew what he meant. I had felt that way more times than not as we grew up together. “Each year that passed, I tell ya, that connection only grew deeper, and something like that cannot be shut off. I know you feel as if she betrayed you, but, son, she didn’t.”
I wanted to argue, but the look he gave me told me that would be pointless. The man was lethal in a debate; he’d have no problem quarreling it out with me.
“That woman upstairs never knew the way you felt. She never heard anything more from you than words of friendship. You may have felt more than that for her, and as your parents, hell yeah we knew you did, but she didn’t.
“A love like that doesn’t fade,” he added.
I only felt more torn than I had before. I had a life outside of Irving—a career, a home—and being here meant living in the heart of my worst memories. I wasn’t sure I could be back here, even if it meant I’d finally get the chance to be with the girl that held my heart in her hands.
