by C. A. Harms
“You do?” he asked, looking shocked.
“Yeah, I do,” I assured him. “You’re a pretty great kid.”
He seemed pleased with the news.
“I know I’m not your father, but I’d sure like to be your friend,” I continued. “And I would love nothing more than for you and your mother to live here with me. I want you both to feel as if this place is yours too. Nothing would make me happier, Landyn.” He looked up at me once again. “Can we make this place our home together?”
He nodded, and a huge sense of relief washed over me. Fuck, I hadn’t been that nervous in a long time.
My gaze connected with Jenny, and I found she was wiping away a tear. She smiled, and mouthed, “Happy tears,” which eased my panic.
No more sad tears, I promised myself. These two had already lived through enough sadness.
“Who wants pizza for dinner?” I asked, gaining yet another excited reaction from Landyn. I could see how his laughter would be the best kind of medicine for someone living a not-so-great life. This little boy was responsible for breathing life and joy into Jenny over the last six years. That made the little guy my hero.
JENNY
I DON’T THINK I had ever been more nervous in my life, and not because I didn’t want what was happening, but because I wanted it so much. I was terrified of being a disappointment and losing the friendship and stability Sean had just given us.
All throughout dinner I watched my son and Landyn carry on and on about every possibly subject under the sun. Seeing that same light in Sean’s eyes that he used to have when we were younger being expressed toward Landyn made my heart soar with such an overwhelming happiness.
I was so emotional drained from the last few days that at any moment I felt as if I would lose control. My throat burned as Sean and Landyn built a fort in the living room after dinner. My chest ached when Sean shared stories of him and me building some of our own forts growing up.
Have you ever wanted something so much it consumed your every thought? Needed something so badly that the thought of not having it made you feel as if you’d die inside?
I had reached that point. In such a short time, I’d watched my son bond with a man that has always meant so much to me, and I’d watched Sean accept my son more than his own father ever had. Seeing the two of them together was like watching two best friends.
I wanted this to work out so badly, not just for me, but for Landyn too. He deserved a life full of love.
“What’s on your mind?” Sean whispered as he stepped up behind me, caging me in against the sink. “It looks awful intense.”
I leaned back against his body because I loved the feel of him pressed against me. I had lived my life without it, and now I felt like if I lost it, I’d never survive. It was strange really, but I refused to question the feeling. I had done that too often, for far too long. Now it was time to feel.
Sean turned me to face him. “You okay?” he asked, leaning down closer to get at eye level with me.
“I’m fine,” I tried to assure him, but when he tilted his head to the side and offered me a questioning stare, I knew he didn’t buy it.
“Is that your final answer?” he asked with a smirk.
I hung my head and laughed softly as I took a deep breath.
“Because you do know I can still see right through you?” he stated.
“Is that a fact?” I said.
“Yeah.” He gave me that self-assured smile of his before moving in closer. “It is,” he whispered, leaning in to kiss me before pulling back entirely too fast. “I know when you’re thinking too much.” He brushed my hair back from my face. “I also know when you’re feeling unsure and scared. So again, are you okay?”
His playfulness was now replaced with serious concern.
“It’s just a lot to take in,” I confessed.
“Tell me,” he pushed.
Talking like this was what we did before things between us went to hell. We shared our biggest fears, our wildest dreams, and we worked our problems out together.
“I’m scared,” I finally told him.
Sean didn’t try to immediately make those fears disappear. Instead he allowed me to continue talking through them.
“I’m worried this is all too good to be true. I’m terrified you’ll regret inviting us here and change your mind,” I said, pushing through the emotions building inside me. “I’m so afraid my son is gonna fall in love with you too, and in the end we’ll both have our hearts destroyed.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. “I could handle that. It wouldn’t be easy, but I’d have to survive for him. But that little boy has been hurt enough. The thought of him losing you when he practically worships you is heartbreaking.”
Sean watched me, letting me get it all out.
“I’m afraid if I let myself believe that you, Landyn, and I could truly be a family that I’m only asking to be disappointed. I’m afraid something or someone will interfere, and then what do we have? Another devastating story and a broken little boy.”
I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to tuck this all away and tell myself I was being a paranoid fool, but I think he pushed me to talk because he knew I needed to get my fears out.
“This right here”—Sean motioned between us—“was meant to be.” He swiped at the tears that ran over my cheeks. “Nothing will ever take you away from me again, and that promise includes Landyn.” He looked at me firmly. “You’re both mine now, and I protect what is mine. I love what is mine. Nothing is gonna change that. I’ve always loved you, Jenny, and that kid in the other room is part of you, so I love him just as much. There’s nothing I want more than to show you both what true happiness and love is.”
He took my face in his hands and forced me to look at him. “I’m not gonna tell you to stop feeling what you’re feeling, but each time one of those fears makes you worry, I am gonna reassure you and show you that I mean it when I say I want you both in my life forever. There’s no going back, sweetheart, only forward together. Neither of you will ever be alone again.”
Sometimes you have to fall before you can rise, and other times you have that special person that carries you when you feel too weak to walk. And that’s okay too, because it’s okay to feel weakened at times. It’s okay to admit defeat when you feel like you just need to crumble. And it’s okay to lean on someone else.
Especially when that someone is a person like Sean—someone who doesn’t judge, only supports. Because even when I’m at my weakest, this man still makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.
When I woke the next morning to find myself alone in a huge bed and still wearing everything I had put on last night, I was disappointed. I’d crawled into bed with every intention of waiting for Sean to join me, only I’m not sure he ever did. His side of the bed looked untouched.
I wasn’t sure what time it was, exactly, but the sun had barely begun to rise, and the yellowing light gave off a soft glow throughout the room.
I slowly crawled from the bed and moved down the hallway toward Landyn’s new bedroom. When I got there, I froze in the doorway.
Books and movies always talk about turning points in women’s lives when everything falls into place for them; those moments when their hearts skip a beat and their stomachs ache with overpowering love.
And now I understood just what those moments were like.
My son lay there in a bed three times the size of his last one, hidden in a big, comfy comforter than practically swallowed him. As if that wasn’t enough to make me smile, Sean lay on his side, facing Landyn with his arm wrapped tightly around my son’s torso and his body curled almost protectively around Landyn as they both slept soundly.
He hadn’t come to bed last night but had stayed by my son’s side on his first night in a new place. It was the sweetest thing I had ever witnessed, and it proved what Sean had told me last night: that he wanted us both.
Landyn curled in closer to Sean, and my heart ached with so much love. He then placed his ha
nd on Sean’s arm, as if he just needed the confirmation that he was still there.
And even though I felt as if I was intruding on a moment I should just allow them to have, I couldn’t walk away. I wanted to remember every small detail of this picture, like the way Sean’s light snores filled the room and the way Landyn nuzzled Sean’s arm and held on tight. I wanted to look back on this moment in a week and feel the same overpowering love I felt now.
Tears of happiness clouded my vision as I continued to watch. Soon, Sean opened his eyes and smiled sweetly as he looked at my son. He pushed the blond hair away from Landyn’s forehead just before leaning in and leaving behind a gentle kiss.
A tear fell from my eye and slowly trailed along my cheek. As I reached up to wipe it away, my movement gained the attention of the sweet man before me. He looked surprised to see me standing there, but recovered quickly as he motioned for me to join them. I hurried to the two most important guys in my life and crawled beneath the covers opposite Sean. As we lay facing one another with my son cocooned between us, I had never felt more at peace.
Sean cupped my cheek with the same hand he had just used to move my son’s hair out of his face.
“I’m sorry I didn’t make it to bed last night,” he whispered. “He asked me to stay with him until he fell asleep, and I guess I was more tired than I thought.”
“It’s okay,” I assured him. “Honestly, it’s truly okay.”
He watched me close, looking unsure. I knew he must be wondering why I was lying there with fresh tears on my face, but he didn’t ask. If he had, I think I would have fallen apart at the seams and been unable to stop telling him just how much he meant to me and how thankful I was for him saving Landyn and me after everything that had happened between us.
But instead of speaking, Sean just placed his arm over Landyn and me, and we lay there just listening to my son breathe.
That was all we both needed to confirm that we were willing to build together all we would ever need to be happy.
SEAN
FOR MOST OF yesterday, I’d fantasized about my first night with Jenny. But that all changed the moment Landyn looked up at me with those big, baby-blue eyes and he asked me to stay.
There was no way I could have told him no.
I woke only a few moments ago to my phone chiming in the next room, reminding me that I had things to do. I could have spent the entire day just curled up watching them both sleep, but what kind of guy would I be if I took a day off while demanding that my crew work?
So begrudgingly I crawled out of bed and got ready. With a large cup of coffee in hand, I walked out the back door and down toward the garage, where I ignored the looks from those who were already there. I knew they were still wondering what Jenny and Landyn being here meant, but I remained silent on the matter. It was my story to tell, and right now, I wanted to keep them both for myself.
“We called Jimmy already,” Monty said as I stepped up to his side. “He said to head on over whenever we’re ready.”
I nodded as I watched the guys load up the tires I had stored in my garage.
Jimmy had been the chief of Dirk’s crew and the man that taught me all about the ways of NASCAR. During my first year as a driver, he stood by my side while training Monty to take his place. I missed him, but whenever we needed a place to run the car, he offered up the acres upon acres of track in his backyard. And, of course, he secretly still loved being able to add in his two cents about my driving.
“You bringing them along?” Monty asked, looking back toward my house. The guy was nosier than a woman.
“Don’t you ever get tired of gossiping?” I asked before taking another sip of coffee.
He chuckle, and I smiled back. The joy I felt in having Jenny and Landyn here made me feel less like an asshole, and I’m sure Monty noticed too. Normally I’d have bitten his head off by now and told him to get to work.
“So she’s the one you walked away from,” Monty added after a brief pause. “The reason it was hard to go back home.”
I nodded and continued to watch the guys load up the trailer.
“She brings out a side of you I’ve never seen,” he said.
“Yes, she does.” I had no reason to deny it. Jenny always brought out the best in me. “Let’s load up.” Leaving Monty standing there smiling, I turned and walked toward my truck.
I’d left a note for Jenny on the counter along with the number where I could be reached. I wanted to get in a few hours of car time, and then I intended to spend the rest of the day with them.
“Monty tells me that you have a girl,” Jimmy said as he stepped up to my side.
“Monty gossips like a girl,” I said without turning to look at him.
Jimmy chuckled, but he never denied it. His silence told me that he was waiting for more details.
The man knew the story—well, most of it. I had spent a few drunken nights rambling on about the girl who broke my heart while he listened. He was the one who would pick me up and dust me off after each attempt at trying to forget Jenny. He was also the guy that lectured me whenever I’d tried fucking her out of my mind.
“No matter how many beers you have, son, those girls will never be Jenny,” he would tell me each time he led me out of a hotel room where I’d left some random naked chick in the bed behind me.
He was also the man that told me I needed to stop blaming Jenny for breaking my heart. “You’re the one that never spoke up, so you can lay the blame at your own feet,” he reminded me. I never liked to hear that shit from him, though, so more often than not, I chose to ignore his remarks. But now that I could see past the heartache I’d felt for far too long, they all made sense.
“It’s never been easy for her. The visions I had about her life with Bobby were far from the realty she was living,” I finally said, still looking out over the track.
We’d already run our test drives and made some tweaks, and the guys were loading things back up.
“Robby never wanted her,” I said as my stomach turned. “He’d just wanted to take her from me. It was never about love, only about jealousy. Once I was out of the picture, he simply had no use for her anymore. And he’s never shown their son an ounce of love or attention.” I don’t know why I felt like I needed to assure Jimmy that I wasn’t a stand-in, but I did. “Their marriage wasn’t a loving one. I’m not the rebound.”
Jimmy’s silence was aggravating. He never had a hard time sharing his opinions in the past. Why the hell was he so quiet now?
“I’m not,” I said as I looked over at him to gage his reactions.
“You trying to convince me, or yourself?”
I ran my hand through my hair and cupped the back of my neck as I turned away from him, no longer wanting to be a part of this conversation.
“Here’s my opinion,” Jimmy said, and I hung my head, letting out a breath.
“What if I don’t want it?” I asked.
“You should know by now that I’m gonna give it anyway,” he added with a chuckle.
Jimmy was always and will always be very opinionated. Why should he allow retirement to change him?
“I think you’ve loved that girl your entire life.” He wasn’t wrong about that. “I think you covered those feelings up with anger to get by when you left, because being pissed and cranky is so much better than being vulnerable.”
Apparently I was an open fucking book to this man.
“And the moment you found you had a second chance, you took it. And there is nothing wrong with that, not a damn thing. But you also can’t go burying your own fears and concerns.” I finally took a chance and looked over at him. “If you do, Sean, it’s only gonna eat you up inside, constantly nagging at the back your mind.”
“She already thinks I only asked them to come back with me out of guilt.” I turned to face him. “She has fears and worries. If I go spouting off my own, it’s only gonna give her more to be concerned about.”
“So you’re just gonna forget about
the questions you have?” Jimmy gave me that fucking disappointed look that always dug in deep and irritated me. “You just pretend you don’t want to know the how and why. You want to know how she felt about Robby and if deep down she doesn’t wish it would have worked out between them.”
“I know she regrets it,” I told him. “She’s said it so many fucking times, how could I not know?”
“Are you telling me those questions you asked over and over on all those drunken nights are no longer lingering in your mind?” He arched his brow and tilted his head, daring me to lie to him. The man got to me; he always had.
And even though I wanted to tell him he was getting senile, I couldn’t. Because he was right. “Yes, okay,” I said in irritation. “I do want to know.”
The cocky bastard smirked, obviously pleased he could still see right through my bullshit.
“Don’t just be her rock; you need to allow her to be yours too.” Before I could say anything more, he turned and walked back toward his house. “And bring them over for dinner when you get back from Charlotte,” he yelled over his shoulder with a wave.
I shook my head in disbelief. I’d just undergone a six minute therapy session I hadn’t been anticipating, and now I had Jimmy to blame for my earlier calm and comfort being twisted up into a mess of uncertainty.
No, wait. I couldn’t deny it. Jimmy was right, I’d been ignoring my own fears, so I had only myself to blame for how I felt.
Dammit, it pissed me off how the man was always right.
JENNY
I COULD TELL something was on his mind the moment he walked through the back door. He gave Landyn and me a simple kiss on our foreheads and wasted no time moving toward the stairway, saying he needed a shower and leaving me wondering what could have happened in the last few hours.
Landyn and I finished breakfast and cleaned the kitchen. We were sitting on the living room floor watching television when Sean finally came back down. When he sat on the couch, Landyn left me and moved to his side. Sean smiled at him as Landyn rambled on about the show we’d been watching, but that smile didn’t reach his eyes.
