by Stan Kirby
Table of Contents
1. No One Suspects an Awful Day
2. Delivery of Evil!
3. Let the Games Begin!
4. A Hole in Six . . . or Seven . . . or Eight
5. No Barfy Cake for You
6. Beware of Abraham Lincoln!
7. The Windmill of Doom
8. Captain Awesome Joins the Game
9. The Mi-Tee Hole Number Ten!
‘Captain Awesome and the Easter Egg Bandit’ Excerpt
Today is going to be awesome!”
Those were the words Eugene McGillicudy said when he woke up the morning that all the trouble started.
What he should have said but didn’t know he should have said was:
OH, NO!
It was going to be his worst day ever. But, again, Eugene didn’t know that when he woke up.
He didn’t even get a hint of his awful day as he walked to Sunny-view Elementary School with his best friends, Charlie Thomas Jones and Sally Williams.
“Smell that fresh air,” Eugene said. “This is going to be a great day!”
Charlie nodded. “Let’s hurry to class!”
“I do not want to miss one second of a great day,” Sally said.
The trio ran all the way to their classroom.
“Morning, Turbo,” Eugene said to the class hamster. Turbo looked up from his carrot and squeaked a tiny squeak.
Eugene squeezed his backpack into his cubby and sat at his desk.
His awesome-but-actually-awful day was about to begin.
Eugene’s idol, Super Dude, would have sniffed out the evil that was about to strike, but—
Wait, what’s that?
You’ve never heard of Super Dude?
Do you live in a crater on the surface of the dark side of the moon?
How could you not have heard of the greatest superhero in the history of superduperness? Super Dude is the guy who bent back the five fingers of Count Fist-Face and tangled the metal springs of the bouncy Commander Coil O’Evil.
Super Dude was also the star of the so-real-they-have-to-be-true comic books that made him Eugene’s favorite superhero of all time, forever and ever.
Eugene was so inspired by Super Dude’s adventures that he created his own alter ego and became Sunnyview’s first superhero . . . CAPTAIN AWESOME!
MI-TEE!
But Eugene wasn’t the only superhero in Sunnyview. He was joined by his two best buds, Charlie and Sally. Together, with their class’s pet hamster, Turbo, they were:
THE SUNNYVIEW SUPERHERO SQUAD!
SQUAD UP!
Charlie became Nacho Cheese Man—the only hero with the power of canned cheese.
CHEESY YO!
And Sally? She was the superfast Supersonic Sal.
SPEEDY GO!
Together these four heroes put badness in its place. And right now Eugene’s baddest badness, Meredith Mooney, was right at the front of the class. Meredith wore so much pink—from her hair ribbons, to her bracelets, to her shoes—that she looked like a strawberry pink milk shake without the cup.
You see, Meredith wasn’t just another annoying girly girl. She was secretly the pink villain known as Little Miss Stinky Pinky.
Meredith said to the class, “I have an announcement to make. A big announcement.”
“Oh! Oh! Is it about the zombie apocalypse?” Charlie asked. “I love the zombie apocalypse!”
“Or a plague of mutant rats?” Sally asked. “Should we get our emergency kits ready?”
“I’ll bet it’s something pink,” Eugene said with a sigh. “It’s almost always about pink.”
“As you might know, my birthday is this weekend . . . ,” Meredith began.
YAWN.
Charlie elbowed Eugene. “Of course we know,” said Charlie. “She circled it on the class calendar.”
“And she wrote it on the white-board,” whispered Sally.
“And she talked about it every day this week,” Eugene added.
“Quiet!” Meredith yelled. “My big news is: I’m throwing a huge birthday party! With cake, candy, games, and prizes, and my mom is making me invite all of you!”
Eugene and Charlie couldn’t hear for a minute.
“Are we caught in a whirling space vacuum of the dreaded Planet Suckatron?” Eugene yelled over to Charlie.
But they weren’t. The noise was the wild cheers and applause from their classmates.
“Did she just invite us to her party?” Sally asked.
Meredith was still speaking. “We’re all going to Max Maxtone’s Maxi Mini-Golf!”
A whole day of celebrating MY! ME! MINE! MEREDITH? No! There’s got to be some way out of this horrible horror! thought Eugene as he slumped down in his seat.
Then he perked up. “Saturday is still a few days away. Maybe a comet will smack into the Earth and the party will be canceled!” he said excitedly.
I think it’s very nice that Meredith invited you to her party,” Eugene’s mom said as they rode the mall escalator.
Charlie and his mom were right behind them because no comet had hit Earth yet.
“But, Mom!” Eugene tried to protest. “It’s Meredith! Otherwise known as Little Miss Stink—” Eugene stopped himself. He could not give away his secret identity—or the fact that he had a nemesis!
“Your father and I love mini-golf,” Eugene’s mom replied. “The windmills! The water traps! The colorful golf balls! I wish all sports had a mini version.”
“I’d like to see mini-dodgeball,” Eugene said.
“I’d like mini-soccer,” Charlie said.
“Mini-basketball!” Eugene cried.
“Mini-tennis!” Charlie shouted. “Oh, wait. That’s Ping-pong.”
“So what should we get this nice Meredith for her birthday, Eugene?” Mrs. McGillicudy asked.
“Comic books!” Eugene said. “Or a video game like Deadly Worm Eater 9. Or bagpipes. Yeah, bagpipes!”
Mrs. McGillicudy put her hands on her hips. “I think we’ll go to the bookstore,” she said.
“And then we can go to the comic book store, right?” Eugene asked.
Eugene’s mom nodded as they all walked into Truckload Books, the bookstore that sold books by the truckload.
“I think Meredith would love a new book like this one,” said Mrs. McGillicudy. She was holding up a book from the Critter Club series.
Eugene glanced over. “If it has pink and glitter on it, then it is barftastically perfect,” he replied.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
While Eugene’s mom paid for the book, Eugene and Charlie started backing toward the door.
BUT WAIT!
Their exit was blocked. Several large deliverymen were rolling even larger crates through the door. It seemed like there were about 3,462 new truckloads of books being delivered. The way to the comic book store was cut off!
That’s when Eugene realized the horrible truth.
These men were not ordinary deliverymen. They were the Blockhead Deliverymen of the wicked Mr. Block-a-Door. Their evil mission was to prevent kids from getting to the places they really wanted to go by blocking their exit doors. Places such as the ice-cream shop, the Build-a-Robot store, and most especially, the comic book store.
This was definitely a job for Captain Awesome!
MI-TEE!
“Stop blocking us, deliverymen!” Captain Awesome commanded.
CHEESY YO!
Nacho Cheese Man pulled out his cans of squirt cheese. “Step aside or you’ll get a double blast of Spicy Bacon Ranch!”
The deliverymen didn’t move. The way out was still blocked.
Just then Captain Awesome spotted Supersonic Sal rushing to the store.
“Sorry, we’re late!” she yelled to the boys. “Mr. Whiskersworth needed his litter box changed.”
Then she let out a mighty super-sonic scream.
AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
The deliverymen let go of their crates and covered their ears. Then Captain Awesome saw his chance. “This way, Nacho Cheese Man!”
The heroes raced from the bookstore, zigzagging through the legs of the deliverymen. Before the bad guys could recover, Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man were through the door and into the mall!
“Thank you, Supersonic Sal!” Captain Awesome said.
“Don’t thank me,” Supersonic Sal said. “Thank my Supersonic Scream. I’ve been practicing.”
“To the comic book store!” Captain Awesome called out, and charged through the mall with the Sunnyview Superhero Squad . . . and their mothers right behind.
Welcome to Max Maxtone’s Maxi Mini-Golf!” Max Maxtone said at the counter. “Where every hole is a hole-in-one. Sometimes!” He was dressed in baggy green pants, an orange-checkered vest, and a purple hat that looked like a mushroom cap. “Where’s the birthday girl?”
“She likes an introduction,” Meredith’s older sister, Melissa, whispered to Max. “Boys and girls of Sunnyview Elementary,” she continued, “it is my duty as older sister to ask for a big welcome for the birthday girl herself: your classmate and Birthday Queen for the day . . . Meredith Mooney!”
Eugene groaned.
“Thank you, everyone, for your birthday wishes and also for the stack of presents on the table.” Meredith pointed to a pyramid of gifts wrapped in all shades of pink. “I just know I’m going to love some of them!”
Charlie grabbed a golf club from the rack. “Game on!” He picked an orange ball.
Gil, Neal, Jake, and Ellen grabbed their clubs while Wilma, Howard, Dara, and Olivia got their golf balls first.
“I got teal!” cried Howard.
“Pink!” said Olivia.
“No, no, no!” Meredith walked to the front of the line and took the pink ball from Olivia’s hand. “Pink golf balls are only for the Birthday Queen. You may have blue. Or yellow. Or any other color that’s not pink.”
The kids moved to the first hole. The course had nine holes and a bonus tenth one at the end that offered a once-in-a-lifetime special prize for anyone who got a hole-in-one.
Meredith pushed through the crowd. “As the birthday girl, I’ll be going first,” she told them. She placed her ball down.
“Everyone, stand back while I warm up,” she commanded. She adjusted her pink bracelets, retied the pink ribbon in her hair, and tapped her right foot—and pink shoe—on the ground. “Let glitter be my guide!”
Meredith gave the ball a solid whack. It flew over the first bump on the green, raced up and over the second, ricocheted off a brick wall, rolled back over both bumps, and landed at her feet. She stomped her foot. “Pink has never let me down before!” she said. Then she hit the ball again.
SMACK!
On the seventh try, Meredith finally got the ball in the hole.
“She’s not very good at this, is she?” Charlie whispered to Sally.
The rest of the class didn’t do very well either. Gil’s ball never made it up the first hill. Dara whiffed every time. Charlie was nervous and overshot the hole . . . though his ball did go into hole number seven!
And then it was Eugene’s turn.
“Let the superstrength of Super Dude guide my mighty aim,” said Eugene.
Eugene lined up his club with his ball and took a practice swing.
He cleared his throat, shook his right leg like he was trying to free a mouse from his pants, took a deep breath, and—
“Ugh. Would you hurry up?” Meredith complained.
“Mini-golf is a game of skill,” Eugene said. “I’m almost done with my skilling.”
SWING! Eugene smacked the ball. It shot like a rocket over the first bump, jumped over the second bump, and rolled just inches from the hole.
“Yes!” Eugene said. He ran to the hole and, with a second shot, knocked the ball in. “A hole-in-two!”
“Whatever.” Meredith crossed her arms, and the group headed to the second hole.
The second hole was just a little harder. The ball had to turn a corner and go up a ramp to make it into the hole.
Charlie went first. He smacked his orange ball down the golf green. It almost got up the ramp, but then it stopped and rolled back to him.
It took six more shots before Charlie got it right.
“My turn!” Eugene said. “May the superstrength of Super Dude guide my ball again!” He hit his ball. It stopped just inches from the hole. He gently tapped it in. Another hole-in-two.
Meredith rolled her eyes. Then she swung her club.
WHIFF!
She missed.
“Strike one,” Eugene said.
“No, strike zero,” Meredith corrected. “Birthday girls get a free swing.”
She leveled her club again and took aim. She raised her club slowly . . . and swung! The ball flew into the air and bounced off a tree.
“Incoming!” Sally called out. The kids dropped to the ground.
The golf ball sailed over their heads, hit the blades of the windmill on hole number nine, spun back, and landed only a foot from hole number two.
“I meant to do that,” Meredith said with a smile.
But it still took her four more tries to get the ball into the hole. “Argh! Stupid golf club!” Meredith stormed back to exchange her club for a new one.
By the third hole, Meredith had discovered the secret to mini-golf. “All your googly eyes are throwing off my game,” she insisted. “From now on, no one can watch me.”
Meredith went last while everyone moved on to the fourth hole. And she did better. “I got a three!” she announced when she caught up to the group. “I knew it was your fault,” she told Eugene.
Meredith got a hole-in-one on the fifth hole, putting her in second place. Right behind Eugene.
“Go help yourselves to juice and cake,” Meredith said. “I won’t be long. This hole looks pretty easy for a mini-golfer as good as I am.”
CAKE?!
That was all anyone needed to hear. The kids ran to the party area where Meredith’s mom and Melissa had set up a table packed with birthday treasures: cake, ice cream, chocolate, juice, and all the wonderful junk food kids joyfully stuff themselves with at birthday parties.
As everyone squished and squeezed around the table, Eugene peered back toward the sixth hole to see if Meredith was coming. There was only one word to describe what Eugene saw next . . .
SHOCK!
Meredith picked up her ball and dropped it into the hole. “I got another two!” she yelled, not realizing Eugene was watching her. “I’m in first place!”
Eugene gasped. No wonder Meredith was getting better at mini-golf.
She was cheating!
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to—” the students from Ms. Beasley’s second-grade class began to sing as Melissa carried in the birthday cake. But they were promptly interrupted by Meredith’s hands waving urgently.
“Stop! Stop! Stop the singing!” Meredith called out. “That junky old song might be good enough for your lame birthdays, but I wrote my own version for you to sing.”
Meredith handed out sheets of new lyrics to everyone.
Eugene looked at the lyric sheet and began to read. “Happy birthday to you! No one’s more awesome than you! You’re the greatest mini-golfer in the whole world. . . . Happy birthday to you!” he read in disbelief. “Meredith expects us to sing this?!” he asked Charlie.
“Well I’m not going to sing it,” Charlie said.
“No sing song, no eat cake,” Meredith replied, leaning in to the boys’ conversation.
Hearing Meredith’s reply, the rest of the class immediately began to sing. “Happy birthday to you! No one’s more awesome than you!”
While the kids enjoyed some cake, Meredith opened
her presents. She tore at the wrapping paper like a rabid samurai cat attacking a tissue box with its claws. She rattled off quick replies to each gift as she tossed them back over her shoulder.
“Already have it. Don’t want it. As if. Ewww. Where’s the receipt? Ummmm . . . whatever. Whoever said, ‘It’s the thought that counts,’ never got this as a present.”
And with that, Meredith tossed the last gift atop the pile of presents. She pulled out the mini-golf scorecard. “All right, now let’s see how badly I’m beating everyone at mini-golf,” she said. “What a surprise! I’m tied with Eu-germ for first place!” Meredith stuck her tongue out at Eugene.
“What place am I in?” Charlie asked.
“You’re so far behind the rest of us that we had to get a second scorecard just for you.” Meredith held up another scorecard that had Charlie’s name written in last place.
Charlie sighed. “I thought birthdays were supposed to be fun.”
“They are,” Eugene assured him. “Unless you’re evil.” He glared at Meredith.
With their stomachs full of cake, ice cream, gummy candy, and other sugar-coated deliciousness, the kids gathered at the next hole, also known as Mount Crushmore.
George Washington. Thomas Jefferson. Theodore Roosevelt. Abraham Lincoln. Four of the great Presidents of the United States appeared on Mount Rushmore . . . and now here they were on a mini-golf course obstacle.
“Why do they call this hole ‘Mount Crushmore’?” Eugene asked.
“Because if you hit your ball into Lincoln’s mouth, he crushes it with his teeth,” Charlie explained. “I came here last month with my mom and dad, and Honest Abe ate four of my golf balls before I managed to get one past him.”
