by Holly Martin
No, Gaby. I wasn’t disappointed. I was thrilled. But terrified at the same time. I was so scared that we would lose our baby again, that you would be sad again. It tore me up that you got so sad last time and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But worse than that, I was the reason for it.
YOU WERE NOT THE REASON OUR BABY DIED. DO YOU STILL HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT? THE DOCTORS TOLD YOU IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT, I’VE TOLD YOU, AND EVEN THE OVERPAID COUNSELLOR TOLD YOU IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT. MAKING LOVE TO ME THE NIGHT BEFORE DID NOT CAUSE ME TO MISCARRIAGE. YOU HAVE TO LET THIS GO.
How can I? You’re leaving because you hate me? If you don’t hate me over that then what?
YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!! I’M LEAVING BECAUSE YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE, BECAUSE YOU FIND ME SO UGLY YOU CAN’T BEAR TO TOUCH ME.
I’M GOING TO BED. PLEASE SLEEP IN THE SPARE ROOM AGAIN. I CAN’T SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH YOU ANYMORE FEELING SO GROTESQUE AND FAT.
My darling Gaby. I can’t believe you have thought that for the last few months. I wanted to touch you, to make love to you so much. You have always turned me on and you being pregnant has absolutely not changed that. If anything the feelings I have for you have intensified.
The first time I stopped you from making love to me, I knew you were pissed off, but I didn’t realise you thought it was because I didn’t love you anymore. I thought you knew how scared I was of it happening all over again; I thought you understood my fears.
We should have talked about it, I tried. But every time I did you would just walk away. I should have made you listen, but when you get in your moods it’s always best to leave you to calm down. You’ve told me that on many occasions to just leave you when you get crabby. I thought it would last a few days. But I didn’t realise it would last for so long. The more I left it, the worse it got.
Gaby the reason I haven’t made love to you was because I was so scared of hurting the baby, of hurting you.
Wednesday:
Gaby came downstairs this morning, read my previous message and burst into tears. She sobbed for about half an hour and nothing I said could stop her. Then she got up and walked out.
She’s been gone about an hour now. I’m going to try and find her.
I’VE JUST GOT BACK; SETH IS STILL OUT LOOKING FOR ME.
SETH, I’M SO SORRY… I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY. WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SO GREAT IN THE BEDROOM, THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP, THE SEX WAS AMAZING. AND EVERY TIME I WOULD LOOK IN YOUR EYES AND SEE HOW MUCH YOU LOVED ME. TO SEE YOU TURN AWAY FROM ME, TO SEE FEAR IN YOUR EYES, INSTEAD OF LOVE. I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME, THAT YOU HAD FALLEN OUT OF LOVE WITH ME. I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONLY STAYING BECAUSE OF THE BABY. I WALKED AWAY FROM TALKING TO YOU BECAUSE I WAS SO SCARED YOU WERE GOING TO END IT AND I COULDN’T BEAR TO HEAR YOU SAY THOSE WORDS. GOD I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH, I DIDN’T REALISE HOW MUCH THE INTIMACY MEANT TO ME, BUT I NEED YOU. I CAN’T GET THROUGH THE NEXT FIVE MONTHS WITHOUT YOU.
I’M GOING UPSTAIRS AND WHEN YOU GET BACK I WANT YOU TO COME UP AND MAKE LOVE TO ME. PLEASE.
Friday:
We have spent the last two days making love, crying, talking and making love. I can’t believe we got so close to throwing it all away quite simply because we didn’t talk about it. We have promised each other that whatever is going on in our lives we will always talk it through from now on.
I’VE BEEN SUCH AN IDIOT AND I NEARLY LOST MY BEST FRIEND BECAUSE OF IT.
SATURDAY:
GOING FOR A WALK ON THE BEACH WITH MY LOVELY HUSBAND BEFORE WE GO HOME. THANK GOD WE CAME.
**********
6th – 10th October
Oliver Butterworth Black
Monday:
I’m supposed to be writing my autobiography. I’ve been putting it off for ages but it makes sense to write it here, where I grew up.
Why is it harder to write about myself than it is to make up stories?
Flicking back through Judy Fisher’s messages has made me laugh. Her writing is more of a work of fiction than any of my previous stories. Me and Annie did not have sex, we did not row and I definitely did not hit her. We had a nice little chat the last time I was here and we agreed to be friends, nothing more.
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
Why are you not writing anything?
What would you have me write? I am certainly not going to write down my thoughts and feelings for all to read in this book.
You could write about your week.
My week has been pretty bloody spectacular as it happens.
It is always good to come home and see friends and family.
I have had a pretty good week too.
How’s the autobiography going?
I’ve had a busy week, I’ve not written much.
Writer’s block?
Distractions. Good distractions, very, very good distractions.
I’ll see you next week, I have to get this bloody autobiography finished and as I’ve barely started I’ll be back again on Monday. I’m seeing Vivienne tonight. We’re having a nice romantic weekend away.
How lovely. I’m so glad things are going well for you two. I hope she didn’t believe the rubbish about us that was in the papers last week.
She knows better than to believe what is written by the paparazzi.
Take care Annie
**********
10th – 13th October
Arnold Smythe
I’m here because of the conspiracy. Annie Butterworth denied all knowledge of this conspiracy when I just spoke to her, but I have found this tactic across the country and have come to expect it now. Of course the locals know something, how could they not. But they close ranks, they’ve been paid or threatened by government officials or the military and when people come asking they just play dumb.
I know differently of course, they can’t hide it from me. Someone has to open the public’s eyes. Only death will silence me. They’ve tried twice to kill me but I won’t lie down. And even in death my legacy will continue.
It seems my mission has support. My website has had over two hundred thousand hits. Even one of the national newspapers ran an article about me. Admittedly it wasn’t very complimentary but I gained a lot of attention after that. Many people wrote to me to say they agreed with my theories.
I have written down my findings and stored them in a safe deposit box, so that even after my death others can continue my fight. I’ll write down some of what I know here, the one place they’ll never think of looking.
It all started when I was perusing Google Earth and found that many areas were blacked out. Areas had suspicious clouds over them, were heavily pixelated, had black squares over the top of them, were painted green or in the case of a number of places, a section of another area had just been copied and pasted over the top.
There are many theories as to why this has been done. Extra-terrestrials are one of them. Maybe these places are where aliens have landed and have perhaps created their own town. Extra-terrestrial beacons are another such theory. Nuclear testing facilities, military bases, Royal family homes, the homes of the rich and famous. Whatever it is, it is clear that the powers that be are hiding something from us.
I started to think about what our own government was hiding from us. On one trip to Scotland I found something. I was out hiking near Ullapool and got a bit lost. Using my phone I was able to pinpoint my location. But then I noticed something weird. There was a small island out in the sea that did not appear on my map. The map indicated that there should only have been sea in my location but this island, approximately a kilometre in length, was very clear to the naked eye. Not only was there a secret island but it also had buildings on it, one of them a huge warehouse. I stayed and observed the island through binoculars for many hours. I saw many people walking around this facility, but the main focus of interest was around this large warehouse.
I got a bit lost again walking back but even
tually found a pub. When I asked about the mysterious island the locals acted as if I was talking rubbish. One man said I was looking at the wrong part of the map and that Isle De Mitt was a military facility but clearly identifiable on any map I looked at. He showed me on his phone but the island he showed me bore no resemblance to the shape of the island I saw.
Another man, a man with a glass eye, beckoned to me and told me about the alien spacecraft that had been found in the hills, that they had taken it to this mysterious island that I spoke of. He told me they had used the technology to build a great spaceship that could travel across galaxies and universes. Now I’m not sure whether this man was a credible witness, but it was clear that this island was hidden from the public and it is my job to let people know.
After I wrote about it on my blog there were two attempts on my life. The first was when a car crashed into mine at a junction. The driver claimed his light was on green at the same time as mine. He spoke with an accent and my insurance company could find no trace of him with the details he gave me. Obviously a government cover up.
The second attempt on my life came just three days later. A boat I was supposed to be travelling on to the Orkney Islands sank. Thankfully, that day I’d had a suspicious feeling I was being followed and decided to delay my trip. I bought my ticket and made a show of queuing up for the boat but at the last minute I hid behind some cargo. The boat left and later that day I heard that it had got into difficulty and sank. No one else was hurt but it could have ended so differently.
After that I knew that I must have been onto something, that they were obviously trying to cover it up with my death. It has been my three year mission to uncover their secrets. So far I have found seven places in the UK that do not exist on any maps or satellite imagery.
One was a small wood that had a fence around it. On the maps and internet it shows this area as a plain field. I could not see beyond the first layer of trees but I walked around the perimeter of the fence and plotted it at roughly five hundred square yards. There is a gate with clear evidence of recent tyre tracks and also evidence of electric cabling entering the compound. Locals denied all knowledge of it with most saying it’s just a wood and one person saying that it was just a private garden. That night, camping in a nearby field I observed through my night vision goggles, a truck loaded with boxes going into this compound and leaving later with the boxes removed. I also heard a humming coming from this area.
The second place I found was a black tower. It had no door, no recognisable way in, but I could hear noise and voices from within the tower. It was hidden amongst the trees so wouldn’t show on satellite images, but surely it should be marked on Ordnance survey maps.
I found a hut down a little dirt track. There were no other buildings for as far as the eye could see in any direction. The hut didn’t have windows; it had a very heavy metal door and again did not appear on maps or satellite imagery.
The coast is the worst for hidden secrets. Many islands, rocky islets or even the shape of the coast itself is not really as it is seen on satellite imagery. The government have done it so carefully that you would barely even notice. A few extra metres here, a missed lump there. But it is different. You just have to walk it to see that. There was one such tiny islet that had what appeared to be a telephone aerial on it, but neither the islet nor the telephone tower appear on maps or imagery.
Which is why I find myself in Wells-Next-The-Sea. I have asked for my followers to be vigilant too and to let me know if they see anything unusual. One of them has contacted me to let me know of the anomaly here. You simply have to look at the beaches of Wells-Next-The-Sea, Holkham Bay and the ones further round the coast near Stiffkey, Morston and Blakney on Google Maps. You will see many of these suspicious blurs or dark patches where the camera does not seem to have taken the pictures clearly.
I asked Annie Butterworth what she was hiding round here and she looked very guilty but then quickly denied that she was hiding anything.
I will be checking out these beaches tomorrow myself.
Saturday:
I have spent the day walking up and down the beaches here. It is just as I thought, there are oddities. Sandbanks, tiny islets and the shape of the shoreline all differ slightly from that shown on maps and satellite images. Just what are the Government trying to hide?
Sunday:
There has been a suspicious black car parked outside my house since late last night. I think they might have found me. Annie Butterworth no doubt told them I was here and that I was asking questions. I saw a man in Annie Butterworth’s back garden. He was dressed in a suit and was speaking into one of those ear pieces. I heard him say that he would have to end it soon. When he saw me watching him he ducked behind a bush.
I’ve just marched round to Annie Butterworth’s house to demand she explain this man to me. She said he was just someone she was doing business with. I told her she couldn’t fool me and that if she thought her and her friend were going to kill me in my sleep they had another think coming. Shortly after the man got in the black car and left.
Monday:
Another car has arrived outside my house this morning. Two men in suits have got out and gone into Annie Butterworth’s house. I think it’s time to leave.
**********
Oh dear! You do seem to get the weird ones Annie.
Sophia
Aw Sophia, he was harmless enough. Besides, maybe he has a point.
What about?
The government cover ups, the secret locations.
The man is clearly insane.
Have you never noticed that the beaches here don’t exactly match the maps?
Don’t you start.
Hehe!! Ok the man was a bit loopy, ok a lot loopy, but I bet there are things the government are keeping from us.
And what are you keeping from me. Who was the man that stayed over Saturday night?
No one stayed over Saturday night. As I told Arnold, the man, and the two other men on Sunday were people I’ve been talking to about selling Willow Cottage. The first man came to see me Saturday night and said he was staying here in Chalk Hill. He left his car outside and he came back Sunday morning to continue our chat.
You’re still serious about that?
About seeing what the world has to offer for a while? Yes. But you will always be a part of my life, I could never forget you. I’ll keep in touch, you know that, and come back to visit often. This is my home, you are my home, and living somewhere else won’t change that.
**********
13th – 17th October
Oliver Butterworth Black
What is this about all the strange men in your house?
Well Arnold Smythe was quite strange. There was nothing strange about the other three men, all respectable, professional men. The one on Saturday night was lovely. Ok he was also very fit too. We’re sort of seeing each other. We have been for a few weeks.
In a professional capacity?
Of course!
Tuesday:
Good for you. I’m happy for you. I’m loving the smile on your face lately.
I’ve had a lot to smile about.
A lot?
Lots and lots.
How was your weekend with Vivienne?
Not good. We’ve being going through a rough patch recently, as I’m sure you’ve seen in the papers over the last month or two. This weekend was supposed to be about reconnecting but unfortunately it was more disconnected. We’ve argued constantly. I’m finding it hard to remember what it was that I fell in love with.
I’ve sort of met someone.
Olly!
I haven’t done anything with her, I’m not a complete arse. She’s beautiful and funny and … Well if I’m having feelings for someone else it just didn’t seem fair on Vivienne. I had to be honest with Vivienne and say I don’t think we should go through with the wedding. I mean, maybe it’s just a rough patch and we’ll come out the other side and laugh about this in a few years’ ti
me but it didn’t seem right to be planning a wedding when I’m thinking of someone else. As you know we were supposed to be getting married on New Year’s Eve but we’ve decided to put things on hold for a while. We haven’t called our relationship off yet. We’re still trying to work at it but… well we’ll see.
And the other woman?
Try to avoid her as much as I possibly can. She’s American so it’s a good thing that I’m over here for a few months.
Wednesday
Thursday:
Friday:
Hi.
Hello.
You’re still not writing anything?
It’s hard to know what to write.
You’re a writer!
What I want to write and what I’m allowed to write are two very different things.
