“I like these.” I glanced down at my feet. True, they weren’t exactly white anymore, and there were a few holes in the fabric around the edges, but that’s what I loved about them. They were imperfect. They looked cuter when roughed up.
Her eyes trailed back up my body before they landed on my hair and she twirled a few of the stray plaits in my hair around her fingers. “Lilac Clarke. You’re such a… fairy.”
“I love fairies. I also love goths and weirdos.” I gave her a wink and took a sip of the weird punch I was drinking.
“I’m not a goth.”
“A punkster?”
“Nope.”
“Emo?”
“Nope.”
“Then what are you?”
“I’m Cheryl fucking Watson. That’s what and who I am. One of a kind.” She grinned.
We said cheers, clinking our blue plastic cups together before we made small talk and got lost in a world of idle chitchat. There was never an awkward pause with Cheryl. Not like there was with a lot of the other girls. There was just acceptance. It was a beautiful piece of chemistry the two of us created, and I thanked the entire destiny of the world for bringing her into my life.
As the night wore on, the people around me grew louder and louder, stumbling over, falling flat on their faces before turning onto their backs and laughing up at the sky. I wanted to do the same. I wanted to lose myself in a corner, lay on my back, and watch the stars that night. September happened to be one of my favourite months of the year. It wasn’t too hot. It wasn’t too cold. My skin was blessed with the glow of the summer just passed, and I was ready to soak up the last few days of not having to wear a coat, a scarf, a hat, or gloves. We have thirty days in that month. Just thirty. It bothered me that I was wasting one of them with a crowd of people I didn’t particularly like.
Then I saw Toby.
He was walking down the stairs at the back of Joel’s house, looking left and right, left and right, left and right, while his friend Chris stood beside him. Chris was all freckles and red hair. I loved the way he looked. He was unique. Not like the rest of the boys with their quiff hairstyles, their too tight jeans, their boat shoes or flashy trainers, and their one pierced ear. Chris wore flannel shirts, jeans and old trainers like I did. He didn’t care. I liked to think that was why Toby befriended him.
I liked to think Toby was like me—drawn to the less obvious.
I was smiling when he eventually saw me, and for one blissful moment, it was quiet, I was happy, and he looked happy, too.
Then I blinked, and he began moving. His jeans hung on his hips—hips that were getting impossibly broader—and his black polo neck t-shirt hugged the muscles in his arms that were growing day by day. I could see such a change in Toby in those last few months.
Gone was the geeky, shy boy whose glasses I’d fallen in love with the first time I saw them. In his place was a boy turning into a young adult, and neither he nor anyone else around him had taken the time to bother to notice just how incredibly handsome he was.
My neighbour. My weird almost-friend.
The boy I’d been intrigued with from the start.
“I don’t get him,” Cheryl mumbled beside me.
“Who?”
“Toby.”
Cheryl had never spoken Toby’s name before. No one did. It was as if he didn’t exist, or only Chris and I knew about him. I liked it that way. Knowing someone else had noticed him suddenly made me feel uneasy.
“What about him?” I turned to look at her.
“Where did he come from?” Her eyes scrunched tight together, and her shoulders bounced.
“What do you mean?”
“Like… where did he come from? Why hasn’t anyone noticed him until now?”
“You notice him?”
Cheryl nodded. “It’s hard not to. He’s one of the biggest guys in our year. And those arms. Woof. Woah. Wait. Code red. Code re—”
She didn’t get chance to say anything else. A tingly sensation crept up my spine as a whiff of aftershave tickled my nose. When I turned back to look at Toby, he was a lot closer than I’d expected him to be, and he was the one wearing the smell that I wanted to bathe in.
“Hey, Lilac,” he said, his smile turning flat as he gave me a nod.
“Toby!” My eyes came alive as I studied him and fell back on the heels of my feet, sighing softly. “How are you?”
“Good.”
“Good.”
“You?”
“I’m…”
“... Good,” he finished for me.
“Yeah.” I laughed. “I didn’t know you were coming here tonight.”
He glanced back over his shoulder and bit down on his lip, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the way his teeth sank into that little strip of beautiful flesh. Without realising it, I’d copied him, biting down on my lip, too. When he turned back to face me, his eyes fell to my mouth, and I could have sworn I heard him hitch in a breath.
The tension made the hairs on the back of my neck stand and dance.
“Cheryl,” my friend said beside me, stepping forward and holding her hand out for Toby to shake.
He blinked a few times, breaking his focus before he turned to look at her hand and started chuckling softly. It sounded broken, the out of tune hint of his voice making my smile grow wider and wider as he looked up at my friend and raised both brows.
“I know who you are, Cheryl. We’ve spent eight years together at school.”
He took her hand anyway, giving it a gentle shake before he let go, gave her a flat smile and pushed both his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
“Eight years?” Cheryl scowled.
“Yep.”
“Okay,” she drew out, her tension rolling off her in waves and circling all three of us. “I’ll take that as my cue to leave you two alone. Drinks, anyone?”
“Yes.”
“No, thanks,” Toby said.
“You’re not drinking?” I asked him softly, holding my cup with both hands as I tilted my head to one side, exposing my neck without intention. His eyes fell to the curve of it, and his jaw tensed, his eyes narrowing as he let his gaze linger there.
“I just prefer to get my own drink,” he told me softly.
I cleared my throat and straightened up, letting my hair cover my neck again before I looked down into my drink and tried to contain my smile. “That’s not a bad plan when you’re at a party like this.”
“What’s a party like this?”
“You know.” I shrugged a shoulder and looked up. “The kind where everyone is trying to outdo everyone. The kind where the guys are showing off to the girls. The girls think flesh on show and drinks spilt down their chests makes them irresistible. The kind where stupid people can make silly decisions because they can’t handle what they’re drinking. The kind where—”
“The kind where you feel like you’re in adolescent Hell?” he asked, his smirk breaking free, showing a small dimple I’d never noticed before.
“Exactly.”
“You okay?”
“Wonderful.”
“You sure are,” he breathed.
I blushed and studied his big, blue eyes. Toby was so soft and gentle at times. It was hard to see what was lying beneath the surface of his skin. What were his thoughts? Who was he? Why did I always feel so safe around him?
“Here you go,” Cheryl interrupted, pushing another plastic cup full of punch into my hand. “Bottoms up!”
I didn’t have to look at her to know she was throwing her drink down her throat. I couldn’t look away from Toby. The more I stared, the more I smiled, and each time my happiness grew, so did his, until we were mirroring each other’s expressions completely.
“Have a good night, Lilac Clarke,” he eventually said before he turned on his heels and began to walk away from me.
“See you later, Toby Hunter.”
I immediately sucked in a sharp breath—one that seemed to make my chest stick out and my kne
es feel wobbly.
“I don’t believe it,” Cheryl muttered.
It took a moment too long for me to give her my full attention, but when I did, she was looking at me with her mouth wide open and her eyes full of surprise.
“What?”
“You’re in love with Toby Hunter.”
“What?” I laughed.
Cheryl didn’t say anything to back up her accusation. She didn’t need to. “You’ll see,” she eventually croaked before she tipped her cup to her lips again and threw her drink down her throat.
“Easy, Cheryl,” I warned her.
“I’m fine,” she gasped before she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “I have wine with Christmas dinner every year.”
“Oh, well, you’re fully prepared then.”
“Want another one?”
“No, thanks. I’ve barely started this drink.”
The sound of a group of cackling girls drawing closer pulled our attention to the rest of the garden. Gone was the intriguing sight of my friend Toby. In his place was a mass of dresses, high heels, girly hair, red lipstick, and shrieking laughter. The girls had found us.
“You sure you don’t want another?” Cheryl muttered from the corner of her mouth as she leaned in.
“Don’t leave me,” I begged her quietly. I wasn’t scared of the girls. I actually liked some of them. But for some reason, that night, all I wanted to do was slip away from everyone, walk down the beach, and listen to the ocean. This place made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.
“Fine, but you better share your drink.”
“Take it.” I pressed my cup into her hand and strapped on a beaming smile as Lydia, Daisy, Ruby, Lea, and a bunch of others all came tumbling closer.
“Oh. Em. Gee,” Lydia cried as her hands found my bare arms and she gave them an excited squeeze. “Isn’t this the best party ever?”
“Something like that,” I said through a laugh as I wrapped her in an embrace and pulled her closer.
Cheryl, even though she was a world apart from these girls, was like a chameleon. It was something else I loved about her. She was confident enough to stand out on her own, but she didn’t act superior about it. She didn’t look down her nose at the sheep that found it easier to follow the crowd, so when she was around them, she could adapt to them. She just preferred not being around them most of the time. I understood that more than anyone.
Everyone was talking, drinking, and dancing as the music beat all around the garden, disturbing the usual calm and blissful peace of the space. I nodded in all the right places. I showed enthusiasm when the girls talked about their latest crushes. I tried to look interested when they spoke about their struggles with their studies, and I offered sympathy when the alcohol made their excitement turn into tears. I was there with them all. I just wasn’t really there.
The more days, months, and years that passed, the more I began to realise how growing up strips you of that freedom to simply walk away from the things you don’t like. There’s a certain level of etiquette expected. Me tolerating everyone that night was a part of that.
It was the first night of many where I had to be a slightly different version of myself for a while.
“Lilac?” came a rough voice from behind me, some time later in the evening.
I spun around to see the birthday boy himself standing in front of me, looking unsure of himself for, quite possibly, the first time in all the time I’d known him.
Joel was the football playing, grade A, rich kid party boy that all the girls wanted to be with… and I had no idea why he was currently looking at me with stars in his eyes and the look of hunger on his face.
“Joel. Hey. How are you?”
“Can I ask you to dance?” he asked, ignoring my question completely.
“Dance?”
“Uh-huh.” He licked his lips once before he held out his hand.
I looked around at the girls to see them all staring at me, open-mouthed, like they couldn’t quite believe what they were seeing. Then I took a glance around the rest of the garden.
“No one else is dancing, Joel.”
“They will if we start it off.”
“How drunk are you?” I narrowed my eyes and tucked my hair behind my ear.
“Drunk enough to pluck up the courage to ask you to dance, even though I know you’re probably going to say no and then all the guys will laugh at me.”
“No one will laugh at you.”
“They will, Lilac. They already are doing.”
“Well…” I dropped my cup to the grass before standing upright. “We wouldn’t want that, would we?”
His bright eyes came alive, and he ran both hands through his short, blonde, cropped hair. A whiff of alcohol mixed with rich aftershave wafted towards me, immediately clogging my throat.
I preferred the way Toby smelt, I thought, but I stepped towards Joel anyway.
The music was way too fast and the beat far too heavy for us to dance to it with any kind of real rhythm, but Joel was the birthday boy, and the last thing I wanted to be was the reason for someone laughing at him or making fun.
He was tall. Really tall. Had I been wearing heels, I might have had a better grasp on his sturdy shoulders, but instead, I had to kind of hook my arms under his and hold onto the top of his back while he pushed his hands to the top of my arse and gripped me tightly.
“Little higher, Joel,” I muttered in warning as I looked up at him and gave him a friendly glare.
“Sorry.” His hands moved up to the curve of my back. It still felt too intimate, but it was better than before.
“Are you having a good birthday?”
He breathed down on me, his smile growing. “You’re beautiful, Lilac,” he answered, ignoring my question again.
“Thank you.”
“Your ginger hair…”
“It’s red.”
“Whatever.”
He ran his fingers through one side of my hair, almost getting one stuck in one of my free-falling plaits before he tugged it out and let his hand drop to my back again.
“Do you fancy me?”
“Excuse me?” I blinked wildly, looking up at him.
His feet stopped moving. “I’ll let you kiss me if you want.”
“Joel, as lovely as that offer is—”
“You want to go somewhere a little bit quieter?” he interrupted, nodding eagerly like a little puppy dog that happened to be growing six-feet tall.
“Joel—”
“Walk with me.”
He wasted no time in gripping hold of my hand and tugging me down towards the bottom of the garden. My legs struggled to keep up with his large strides, but I did so anyway. I didn’t want to make his birthday any less perfect than he’d imagined it should be, but I also knew my limits. I wasn’t quite there yet. I could afford him a bit more conversation. Just a little bit. Anything else, and he would soon see how much of a redhead I really was.
By the time he reached the end of the long, long, long garden, it was just the two of us surrounded by conifer trees and wildflowers that were growing in the thicker parts of the grass that were forgotten.
I spun around, taking in all the colours with fascination before I looked up at him.
“It’s beautiful down here.”
His hand brushed my cheek, and he leaned in. “About that kiss.”
“Joel,” I said through a sigh, taking a step back away from him instantly. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Try and kiss a girl you don’t really know just to score points with your buddies.”
He scowled, his nostrils flaring before he tried to soften his features again with a forced smile. “I’m only trying to impress you.”
“You should stop that, too. People either impress you or they don’t. No matter of trying can change that.”
“Huh?” he grunted.
I took another step away from him. “Look, you’re drunk, and I’m flattered, but…”
“Come on, Lilac,” he said, stepping forward. I took another step back, but he closed the gap in an instant. “Just one little kiss. For me.”
“No, Joel.”
“Why not?”
“I need to give a reason?” I asked, raising both brows. “How about because I just don’t want to?”
“It’s me. I’m me.” He grinned. “Everyone wants to be with me.”
“Then go ask one of them,” I urged him, glancing in the direction of the party before I looked back at him. In a split second, he’d closed all the distance between us and was now walking both of us back towards a row of conifer trees. My back landed on one, but it wasn’t solid enough to hold me. The branches were weak and scratchy, and the two of us swayed in the greenery before I managed to get a good enough footing in the grass and push my hands against his chest.
“Jesus Christ, Joel. I said no,” I ground out, my voice taking on a tone I’d never used before as I used all the limited strength I had to push against him.
“Babe…”
He fought back, his hands grabbing the tops of my arms to hold me still as I tried to wriggle free.
“Get off me,” I hissed, the sound barely audible as my fear started to rise and rise and rise, so high, I wished it would give me wings to fly away from this horrible mess I’d suddenly found myself in. “Joel, I mean it.”
“Just… one… kiss.”
“No.”
“Lilac.”
“I said no!”
Joel ignored my denial, leaning in even farther until his lips caught the corner of my mouth and his fingers felt like they were bruising my arms. I wanted to punch him or scream, but the way he held me meant I had no movement of my arms anymore, and I was too far away from the party to be heard. A small whimper escaped the back of my throat before I scrunched up my face and waited for it to be over.
And it was.
It was over before it began.
Everything happened so fast.
Joel’s drink-soaked lips never made contact with the rest of my mouth before I felt his grip fall away from my arms and the air swirl around me. I didn’t open my eyes to see the freedom at first. I felt it. I bathed in it and let relief wash over me that I hadn’t been another teenage victim. It was only when I heard the dull, heavy thud of skin on skin, and the agonising cry of a man in pain that I allowed reality to catch up with me.
A Girl Like Lilac Page 3
