You're the only boy I trust.
I stared at the words I’d written on the note, reading them several times before I eventually scribbled out the last lame line, scrunched up the paper in my hand and threw it over my shoulder. I didn’t bother to look around when I heard it land in the waste paper bin behind me. I’d been sitting at my desk in my bedroom for an hour, one hand holding the stupid prom ticket, while the other tried to write Toby a note.
A lot had changed in the nine months since Joel’s party. The girls thought I’d been mad to turn Joel down, and apparently a handsome face acquired instant forgiveness from anyone who fancied him. That meant the majority of the girls now saw him as some Greek god, while I was the filthy street rat whore who they would keep at arm’s length. I didn't mind. I quite enjoyed the peace, to be honest. Cheryl was the only permanent female feature in my school life. Nothing could keep her away.
After hearing about Toby’s brave move against Joel, he’d risen in popularity with the ladies–something that seemed to bother him endlessly. I saw the way they giggled around him and tried to flirt. I also saw the way his cheeks would turn beetroot red before he scratched the back of his neck and walked away.
The guys, however, had all sided with Joel. They were always going to. Toby was as much on the sidelines as I was. A wallflower. It's where I think we were both always meant to be.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
You.
You who?
Yoohoo. Wanna be my date for prom?
I scrunched up the paper, throwing it back over my shoulder, only this time I never heard its landing.
Instead, I heard my Aunt’s bright, cheeky voice fill the air.
“Yoohoo? Really, Lilac?”
I slammed my elbow on the desk and let my head fall into my hand. “I wasn't actually going to send that.”
“Sure you weren't.” She chuckled.
I swivelled my chair ever so slightly until she was in my line of sight. “I’ve never asked a guy out before, Aunt Coral. I'm nearly sixteen, and I've never asked a boy out.”
“Have you ever been asked out?” She let her hands fall on the flowered duvet behind her, leaning back on her arms as she tilted her head to study me.
“Well, yes, but…”
“You always turned them down.”
“I haven't liked any of the ones who asked me out.”
“So, who is the lucky guy that is going to get your invitation to prom?” My eyes flickered to the bedroom window without a thought. Aunt Coral didn't need to follow my gaze. “Ah. Toby Hunter.”
“He's a good friend.” I began to chew the inside of my mouth.
“He's always looked at you like you're an angel and he's a beggar boy. You know that, don't you?”
“No,” I lied. It was my favourite thing about him. That and the way he saved me.
“He's a good kid.”
“I trust him, that's all.”
Aunt Coral let out a small sigh, her grin growing wider and wider. “Trust is a wonderful thing to have with a man. You don't speak as much as I thought you would, living next door to each other.”
“He's kinda shy. I'm kinda…”
“Not shy.”
“I can be shy.”
“A side of you I’m not too familiar with.” She smirked. “Perhaps it’s the Toby effect.”
“I don’t know. He always seems nervous around me, like he's unsure of what weird thing I’ll do next that will have him scratching his head or…” I paused. “I sometimes think I scare him.”
“I’m sure you do.” She winked as if she was trying to tell me a secret before she leaned forward, rested her forearms on her thighs and looked up at me. “Need some help?”
“That depends. Do you think he’ll say yes if I ask?”
“Would you still ask him if you knew he'd say no?”
“No.” I scowled.
“Why not?”
“Because,” I began, feeling nausea roll around in my stomach at just the thought of it. “The embarrassment. The awkwardness. The…”
“... Uncertainty. The chance you might change his mind. The excitement of making him see the bonuses of saying yes to you.”
“You look at life far too brightly, Aunt Coral.”
“No, Lilac. I look at it as a challenge. No doesn't always mean no. Sometimes, it means convince me. Make me feel different. Sell the good to me.”
“Why should anyone have to convince someone to want them?”
“You don't convince someone to want you, sweetie. You convince them to be unafraid of wanting you and getting hurt. You convince them to push through the fear of all those things you mentioned before. To push through the embarrassment, the worry, and the shame. Sometimes people say no when they mean yes. They say no because they're scared. They walk away and let fear win.”
“You think Toby is scared of me?”
“You just said so yourself.”
I hated it when she was right. More than anything, I hated that I loved it when she was right.
“Okay, but what should I do?”
“Tell him you're scared, too. It puts you on level ground. It brings you off that pedestal he has you on. It dumps you at his feet.”
“He doesn't have me on a pedestal.”
“Right.” She smirked.
I knew that smirk, and I understood the message it delivered. I spun on my chair and turned back to the paper on my desk.
Toby,
I need you again.
That night we don’t talk about flicked a switch inside of me.
I’m scared more than I ever used to be, and I really hate that.
When did life get so dark, huh?
I can’t even think of being alone with a boy who isn’t you.
So, would you? Be my date? At prom?
You're the only boy I trust.
And you’re also very cute.
Think about it.
With love and a flower to make this offer seem sweeter,
Lilac x
“All done?” she asked, already knowing the answer when I sat upright, folded the paper in half and spun around to face her.
“I need a good flower to press inside it.”
“You need a tulip.”
We took off into the garden, studying the flowers before my aunt carefully snipped at one of the stems of her tulips. When she passed it to me, she wore a knowing smile on her face. “That should do the trick.”
I twirled it between my fingers. “Think he’ll say yes?”
“Only one way to find out.” Her eyes drifted to the house behind me.
Scanning down at my clothes, I took a quick inventory of everything I was wearing. Pale blue boyfriend jeans and a cropped white holey T-shirt. My hair was hanging down in loose waves, and I had bright red lipstick on that clashed with the colour of my curls. I felt good, though. Good enough to do the brave thing for once.
When I knocked on the Hunters’ door, it hit me that in all the time I’d been their neighbour, I’d never actually called around there before. Every time I’d spent with Toby growing up had been when I’d caught sight of him standing in his bedroom window, and I’d simply smiled and waved my arm in the air, suggesting he came out to play. I barely knew his mum. She always looked so sad to me. His father was even more of a mystery. He was hardly ever around and always looked tired and cross. Toby’s little brothers were blonde-haired cheeky monkeys who loved to play in the garden, but even my interactions with them were limited.
Strange, I thought, how I’d always felt like I’d known Toby so well when the reality was that we really didn't know each other at all.
I got cold feet quickly and had already turned around to make my escape when I heard the bright red door creep open.
“Lilac?” Toby asked in surprise.
I glanced over my shoulder and offered him an apologetic smile. “Hey, Toby,” I sang cheerfully. He was wearing his thick, black glasses. I hadn't seen him wear them in s
o long that a wave of nostalgia washed over me and made my heart pitter patter in my chest. The flowers swayed in my stomach. The butterflies flickered above them.
I loved him in his glasses. Toby always looked better to me when he was at home, more confident that he was in the right place, where he was meant to be.
“Just leaving?” He raised a brow.
I saw him most days, so I’d already noticed the new strength in his shoulders and the few inches he’d grown in height. But his voice…
Oh, his voice.
It was something I hadn't heard up close and personal for a while, and now it seemed even more mature than before. The croak and squeak had gone completely. His tone was low, brushing against the hairs on my body like a velvet cloth that made me want to close my eyes and get smothered by it.
“Leaving? No,” I answered, slapping the brightest smile on my face I could muster as I took a step back towards him.
“Then why were you…?”
“I was just dancing around. Yeah. Dancing.”
“You okay?” He frowned.
I waved the paper note in front of him, careful not to let the pressed flower fall out of the middle as I focused on his ice blue eyes. “I’m all dandelions and daffodils.”
“Dandelions and…?”
“It means I’m yellow. Mellow. You know... chilled.”
“Sure. Makes perfect sense.” He smirked.
I closed my eyes and prayed for a do-over, but seeing as how the time machine hadn’t been invented and dropped off at my house yet, I was going to have to put this epic disaster behind me, stand tall, and push the letter into his hands.
Narrowing the distance between us, I pressed the note into his palm and then curled his fingers around until I was certain he had a good grip. “You don't have to say yes. All I ask is you be careful with what's inside.”
His pushed his glasses farther up the bridge of his nose and then carefully peeled back the note, revealing the tulip inside. The smile on his face erupted as he twirled it around in his fingers the same way I’d done moments before. He ran it under his nose and inhaled carefully.
“You gave me a tulip.”
I nodded and rocked back on my feet, clasping my hands behind my back so he couldn't see the way I was wringing them together. “Makes the paper smell nice,” I whispered.
A stray petal fell from between the folded page when he opened it up fully and began to read what I’d written. His mouth moved in time with the words he was reading, and it wasn't until he looked up at me, his face solemn, that I realised I hadn't breathed once throughout it all.
Toby didn't say anything.
He stared at me like I wasn't real. Like he didn't understand. Like he—
“You want to say no.”
He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
I wanted the earth to swallow me up. It was what I expected. I’d stayed away too long. He probably had a life I knew nothing about, a girlfriend who was quiet, shy, and sweeter than me, more beautiful and less flaky.
“It’s fine. Honestly. Thanks for reading it anyway. It's good to see you.” I smiled at him, waiting for some reaction. Nothing came. Toby was frozen.
I turned away with a spring in my step, not wanting him to see anything but light and life in me when I walked away, even if it was a lie.
It felt like a lie I had to at least try and put out there.
“Lilac?” he called when I reached the end of his driveway. I thought about pretending not to hear him, but to be honest, the sound of my old name from his new voice made the air get caught in the back of my throat, and my body span around in an instant.
“Yeah?”
He stepped out of the doorway, carefully dropping the note and the squashed tulip on the top step before he jogged towards me. In the sunlight, he looked even more amazing, and I began to wonder what another year would do to him. And another. And another. And another.
“You’re scared?” he asked me in a rush of breath, his brows creasing together when he came to a stop in front of me.
“Sorry?”
“The note. It says you’re still scared.” Toby’s eyes searched mine. “For how long?”
“Since I realised I wasn't as strong as I thought I was,” I admitted.
His chin dropped to his chest, his hands landing on his hips while he seemed to study the ground for something I couldn't see. When he looked up at me, his face was pained.
“You've been scared for nine months and you never told me?”
“I didn't know I had to,” I answered softly.
Toby opened his mouth to say something before he thought better of it, shook his head and changed course. “I’d love to take you to prom.”
I blinked as I watched him watching me. The longer I stayed quiet, the more he struggled to keep his smile under control. It started out as a twitch of his lips. Then it grew into a bashful smirk that showed his dimples. Before he could correct himself, he was flashing his teeth at me and releasing a small, embarrassed laugh.
“I would really, really, really love to take you to prom.”
“You would?”
“The tulip sealed the deal for me.”
“Toby,” I said through a relieved burst of laughter right before I jumped forward and threw my arms around his neck, squeezing him tight.
I felt his embrace returned to me three-fold. The strength of his body, the muscles of his arms, it all made me feel fragile against him, yet safe. Always safe.
“I’m so happy,” I squealed as I pulled away and held his shoulders.
“You don't have to be scared, Lilac. I’ll look after you.”
“That's not the only reason I asked you.”
His teeth sank into his bottom lip, and he ran them back and forth over the pink there, making me lose focus for a second.
“I like you,” I told him.
“I like you, too.”
“That's… good.” I nodded, feeling the weight of my hair fall forward a little too much so it covered my eyes. Toby instantly pushed it back behind my ears like it was the most natural thing on earth for him to do.
“Are there any colours you want me to avoid choosing for a dress, so you don't have to wear it on your tie?”
“We have to match?”
“Of course! It's what prom dates do. I think. I don't actually know. This whole prom thing is so confusing to us Brits. We’re just trying to be as trendy as the Americans are.”
“We’re the home of legendary rock music. We invented trendy.”
“But they created high school prom.”
“Fine. I’ll wear anything unless it’s multi-coloured. I remember the combinations you used to throw together.”
“I’m going to ignore that comment.”
“I don’t care what we wear, Lilac.” He sighed softly, his strong shoulders relaxing beneath my touch. “Just give me a week’s notice so I can get co-ordinated.”
“I can do that.”
“And Lilac?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks for asking.”
I gave him a soft smile and pushed my hair behind my ears again before I turned and began to walk away with a natural spring in my step for the first time in months.
He was dangerous without knowing it because he was good, and good boys shouldn't have been as intoxicatingly handsome as Toby Hunter was growing up to be.
FIVE
Toby
It was apparent our little village didn’t fit in with the rest of the world. Beyond Southwold’s borders lay things we couldn’t begin to imagine. We lived everyone else’s lives through books, television, and movies. Nobody had any idea how a prom dance was supposed to go.
Still, the teachers had all come together to decorate the high school hall with enough streamers, banners, and balloons to make it look like Rydell High of the 1950s, and every girl that twirled in their dress on the dance floor seemed to like it.
Most of the boys wore dark suits and white
shirts. The females wore ball gowns that fell to their feet, and tiaras that sparkled in their hair. Lilac and I stood out like two sore thumbs. A fact which didn’t seem to bother her one bit as she held onto my hand and pulled me into the poorly-decorated room.
“Can you believe this?” she breathed out as she looked up at the ceiling and guided me forward.
A smile tugged on one corner of my mouth, my eyes focused solely on her. Lilac’s hair was down in loose waves, except for two small plaits that she’d pulled back on either side and pinned at the back of her head with a daisy brooch. She was wearing a silver calf-length prom dress with tiny little lace sleeves; her waist cinched in making her body curvier than I’d ever seen it. The neckline gave me a glimpse of the tops of her growing breasts. Every time she breathed, I struggled not to look at the subtle rise and fall of them. I was torn between desiring her and respecting her. A line that was harder for me to balance on than I ever realised it would be.
“Toby?”
I blinked and looked up at her face quickly, relief flooding through me as soon as I saw she was smiling instead of frowning at having caught me staring so openly.
“Yeah?” I croaked, clearing my throat and tensing my jaw.
Her grin grew wider, and I felt the gentle tightening of her fingers around my hand. “See something you like?”
“Yep. You.”
The blush rose in her cheeks. “You’re too young to talk like that.”
“You’re too pretty for me to lie to.”
“Toby,” she whispered, her smile faltering ever so slightly.
“Sorry.” I cleared my throat a second time.
“Don’t be sorry. That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”
Lilac took a step closer, and then another until her body pressed against my arm, and she curled herself into my chest. “Don’t you remember? You’re the only boy I trust.”
She looked down at her fingers sliding over my heartbeat. There was music all around us. There were other kids, too. There was the party of a lifetime currently being lit like a fun bomb, yet it felt like the two of us were suspended in time, completely alone. Almost sixteen and definitely not sweet.
A Girl Like Lilac Page 5
