As I turned the pages of my sketchbook, a cruel truth hit me like a blow. The reason I could not paint was not so much my cares for the invalid as my fear that I would never paint well enough. Here I was in Rome, the heart of the painted world. Here were my masters all around me. Nothing I achieved could ever equal one of Bernini’s marble coils.
The noise of the fountain grew louder. It was drowning me. It told me to give up, to stop pretending that there was merit in my pitiful daubs or in the travelling scholarship I’d been so proud to win. Rome would wash me away, as it had washed away a thousand others, leaving no trace. I seized hold of the leaves of my sketchbook, meaning to rip them out so that no one would ever guess the contemptible folly of my ambitions.
At that moment I felt a touch on my shoulder. A clasp, a warm, wordless, brotherly clasp. The fingers gripped my shoulder and then shook it a little, consolingly, encouragingly.
I knew straight away that it was him. God knows how he had dragged himself out of that bed and come to find me. I could not imagine how he’d guessed at my anguish. I said nothing. His clasp was enough. After a moment the grip of the hand tightened, and then left me.
He was going back to bed, I thought. But there were no retreating footsteps. I looked over my shoulder. No one was there. He could not possibly have moved so fast. I hurried to the bedroom and there he was, deeply asleep. I stared at his face and I knew that he was dying, not weeks or months in the future, but now. How had I not recognised it before?
I sat down by the bed. My sketchbook was still in my hand. I got up again, noiselessly, and fetched what I needed from the little room. I was ready to draw him now.
The noise of the fountain. The sound of a pencil moving. His breath. A long, dragging pause. Another breath. You can live an entire life between one breath and the next. That’s where my life was spent, in one night, in one room. The rest is memory.
The following stories have been previously published:
‘The Medina’ appeared in Good Housekeeping (2001). ‘Rose, 1944’, ‘Esther to Fanny’ and ‘Whales and Seals’ were previously published in the collection Rose, 1944 as part of the ‘Pocket Penguin’ series (Penguin, 2005). ‘With Shackleton’ was originally published in the Asham Awards Anthology (2006). ‘At the Institute with KM’ first appeared in the anthology, New Writing 13 (Granta, 2007). ‘Where I Keep My Faith’ was published in the anthology, Freedom (Amnesty International, 2009). ‘Girl, Balancing’ appeared in the Independent (2009). ‘The White Horse’ appeared in the Manchester Review (2009). ‘Wolves of Memory’ appeared in the Sunday Telegraph magazine, Seven (2010). ‘Protection’ was originally published as part of the ‘Penguin Specials’ digital series (Penguin, 2011). ‘A Night Out’ appeared in Woman & Home (2011). ‘All Those Personal Survival Medals’ appeared in the Daily Express (2012). ‘The Landlubbers Lying Down Below’ was originally published as part of the ‘Penguin Specials’ digital series (Penguin, 2012) and also broadcast in the interval at the BBC Proms. ‘Writ in Water’ was originally published in The Malarkey (Bloodaxe Books, 2012) and first broadcast by BBC Radio 4. ‘Taken in Shadows’ was published in The Malarkey (Bloodaxe, 2012). ‘Duty-Free’ was published in the Asham Anthology, Once Upon a Time There was a Traveller (Virago, 2013). ‘A Silver Cigar in the Sky’ appeared on the Bristol website: www.bristol2014.com written for WWI ACE 2014 Bristol Arts Commission, the city’s commemorative project to mark the outbreak of WWI (2014). ‘Grace Poole Her Testimony’ was published in the anthology, Reader, I Married Him (Borough Press, 2016). ‘Cradling’ appeared in Good Housekeeping. ‘Portrait of Auntie Binbag, with Ribbons’ originally appeared in Woman & Home and was then published in an anthology in association with a Breast Cancer charity (Transworld).
The following stories have been broadcast:
‘Dancers’ Feet’ was originally broadcast on Radio 3 as ‘Dropping the Pilot’ (2008). ‘Count from the Splash’ was broadcast by Radio 4 (2010). ‘Frost at Midnight’ was originally broadcast by BBC Radio as part of the Earth Music Bristol Festival (2011) and also appeared in the Radio Times. ‘Hamid in the Playhouse’ was broadcast on Radio 4 (2013). ‘Chocolate for Later’ was broadcast as part of the Bristol Food Connections Radio 4 Festival (2014). ‘The Musicians of Ingo’ was broadcast by BBC Radio 3 during the Family Prom Interval.
The publisher has made every effort to credit the copyright owners of any material that appears within, and will correct any omissions in subsequent editions if notified.
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Epub ISBN: 9781473559691
Version 1.0
Published by Hutchinson 2018
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This collection copyright © The Literary Trustees of the Estate of Helen Dunmore 2018
Foreword copyright © Patrick Charnley 2018
Front cover © Arcangel
Jacket design by Leo Nickolls
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The Literary Trustees of the Estate of Helen Dunmore has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work.
First published in Great Britain in 2018 by Hutchinson
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ISBN 9781786331489 (Hardback)
ISBN 9781786331496 (Trade Paperback)
Girl, Balancing & Other Stories Page 27
