by Anna Brooks
“I’m not. He loved me.”
“Okay. Maybe he loved you, but he’s not coming back, and it’d be a shame to waste all the love you have to give on a man who can no longer receive it.”
When I swallow, it hurts my scratchy throat. Something about what Kenny just said resonates. I think that’s what, underneath all my feelings, is at the root of it all. I loved being someone’s everything. I loved loving. And although things went on behind closed doors that nobody knows about, I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up on Bryan. He needed me more than anyone knows, more than I’d ever admit. But he’s gone. “You’re right.”
His eyes widen. “I know I am; it’s not your responsibility to make someone else happy. You need to worry about you.”
It clicks. Like a missing piece to a puzzle, the edges align and snap together; except this is my life . . . it’s not a game. “It’s not about me waiting for Bryan. It never was. It’s the fact that I’m holding on to a feeling I was afraid I’d never find again.” Bryan needed me in a way that nobody else knew about, and I was so scared to fail at being what he needed.
“Exactly.”
The boulder that was pushing logic away in my brain for two years rolls down my spine and pushes against my lungs. “I need some time alone.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then.” He hugs me, even though I don’t reciprocate, and leaves me alone.
As soon as the door closes, I lean against it and sag to the floor, letting the weight of this revelation pull me.
* * *
“Damn, baby. What did you do?” Vaughn’s voice stirs me, and when his arms slide beneath me, I grip his jacket. A satisfaction I haven’t felt in such a long time makes me feel weightless in his arms.
He deposits me on the bed and lifts my shirt, his gentle fingers skating around my side. Even through all the messed-up emotions, he manages to make my belly flutter. I hear him suck in a breath.
“Is it ruined?” Kennedy asks.
“Let me clean it off. Can you get me some warm water, a washcloth, and a dry towel?”
Kennedy doesn’t reply, but his footsteps fade, and Vaughn’s hands pull my yoga pants down a little. “I need you to lift up on the other side so I can get these down farther and clean you up.”
I roll over to my back and lift a little. He grabs the waistband and tugs until the entire tattoo is visible. When his fingers graze my skin again, my gaze shoots up to him. His eyes are like cocoa, so warm and inviting. He tempts me to curl up with him and let him take away the coldness I’ve been feeling. But I doubt he’d even be willing to anymore. Not after how I treated him.
“Here ya go.” Kenny’s voice snaps me out of my haze. “Do you need anything else?”
“Nah, man. This should be good.”
“I wish I could stay, but I’ve gotta get to work.” Kenny kisses me on the forehead and grasps Vaughn’s shoulder. “Let me know if you need anything. I can swing by later.”
“Sure, man.”
We both watch as he walks away, and when the door shuts, Vaughn gets to work peeling the rest of the gross plastic wrap off and cleaning the area with the washcloth. Willing him to look at me, I don’t take my gaze away from his face. His brows furrow and his jaw clenches every once in a while, and I try not to wince from the pain when he touches the sensitive skin.
I don’t know what to say to him. Do I apologize? Do I tell him about Bryan? “Did I ruin it?” I blurt, desperate to talk to him, even if it’s not what I really want to say.
“It should be okay. We’ve gotta get some air to it and let it scab over, but I think it’ll be all right.” He stands and tosses the dirty towels into the hamper then deposits the garbage into the can. “Do you need anything else?”
I need more. I need you. “Why are you so nice to me?”
“I don’t know.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I wish I had a reason other than the fact that—” The words die on his tongue, and he just shakes his head. “I don’t know.”
With a heavy sigh, he heads for the door. As his hand reaches the knob, the fear of losing him, too, makes the explanation just roll off my tongue. “They say he’s dead.”
His spine straightens, and Vaughn turns around, but I look past him at the door. I don’t want to see the pity on his face. I only want him looking at me with love and desire. I realize at this moment, in the three seconds it took for me to say those words to him, that I really can’t keep living like this. I can’t let a wonderful man, who has been more than patient with me, walk out of my life. I don’t care if it’s fast. It’s right . . . it feels right, and that’s all that matters.
He deserves an explanation. He deserves more than I’m capable of giving, but I’m going to try. I’m going to try with everything I have to stop loving an illusion and start loving the real live man in front of me.
“My boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, I guess. They say he’s dead, and I don’t—no, I didn’t—want to believe them.” I grab the necklace and twirl the rings on it. “He went missing two years ago.”
Vaughn walks over to the bed and sits beside me. Immediately, the warmth from his body, even though he’s not touching me, calms my shaky nerves.
“He was an adrenaline junkie. If it was dangerous, he did it. He went on a road trip to do all sorts of stuff. Surf, scuba dive, hang-glide, hike . . . ski, BASE jump. He called me in the morning and told me he was going to check out Cape Disappointment.”
I smile as I reminisce about our last conversation.
I’ve seen some of the most beautiful things out here, but nothing compares to you, Rayne.
I miss you.
Wait for me. You know I need you when I get back.
“That was the last time anyone ever heard from him.”
Nobody knows how long he was missing, or if he was hanging on a rock waiting for someone to save him and his fingers gave out, and he fell into the ocean. It wasn’t until the next day that I finally called his parents. They didn’t seem worried, but I knew something was wrong. He always called me.
“I managed to get a hold of the Coast Guard station there and reported him missing.”
I’ll never forget how nice the guy who I talked to was. How he calmed me down when I was so frantic. Even though they didn’t have anything to report, Declan called me to give me as many updates as he could, even after they called off the search.
“They found his car in a parking lot, but that was it.”
Vaughn’s listening but hasn’t said anything. I understand, because if he was the one telling me this, I wouldn’t know what to say either. “And I swore to him that I’d wait for him to come back. But then you happened, and as much as I want to be angry with myself for betraying him, I finally realize I’m not restricted on what my heart wants anymore.”
“How have you betrayed him?”
“I fell in love with another man.”
Chapter 10
Vaughn
Her confession rocks me to my core. “You what?”
“I betrayed him because I fell in love with you.” Her chin quivers, but she still tries to smile.
Nobody has ever spoken those words to me. I normally have a reason for everything I feel. Every action has an explainable reaction but not this. In all the time I’ve been fighting for her, I didn’t prepare myself for her to actually love me. No woman has ever loved me. “Rainey . . . I—”
“You don’t have to say anything back. I know I haven’t given you any reason to feel the same, and I’ve been a horrible person, but I’m so confused.” She tugs her pants up a bit and sits in the bed, twirling the turquoise tassels on a pillow. “I’m so confused, Vaughn, because I’ve been fighting this for a while, but at the same time, it seems so fast. And I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but I’m hoping you’ll give me one.”
“A second chance for what?”
“Everything.”
My neck cracks when I look down, and when I stand, I fight
back the emptiness I already feel without her being close. I take off my jacket and toss it on the chair of her vanity then reach down and untie my boots, kicking them off.
Her eyes follow me as I round her bed and sit next to her. I wrap my arm around her shoulder, and I pull her close. I might not be willing to accept that I’m worthy of her love, but I’m definitely crazy in love with her. Just as I have been since I first saw her. “I never gave up on you a first time, so you don’t need a second chance.” I knew she was worth waiting for.
An immediate sob tears through her as she releases what I assume are pent-up tears. I hold her tight and wait for her to have her moment. I can’t deny the pull between us, and now that she’s finally told me about Bryan, everything makes sense. This is all I wanted. I needed a reason.
“I’m so sorry,” she says against my shirt, her voice muffled through the tightness in her throat.
“It’s okay.” I shush her. “It’s going to be okay.”
She doesn’t reply, but as the minutes go by, she becomes more lax in my arms until she’s fallen asleep. I adjust our position, so we’re lying down, and when she snuggles further into my chest, I finally release the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding since the moment I first laid eyes on her.
* * *
“What in the hell?”
I’m woken by a male voice, and I sit up with a hand on Rayne, ready to pull her behind me.
“Who are you?” an older man questions me. “And why the hell are you in my daughter’s bed? And when the hell did you get a tattoo, Rayne Marie?”
Rayne bolts upright as her father’s voice rises. “What are you doing in here?” she shrieks. “Get out!”
“Not until you tell me—”
“Ron, give the girl a minute.” A lady who looks like an older version of Rayne comes in and grabs his hand, tugging it. “She wasn’t expecting us.”
He backs out, and the mom reaches past him to close the door. As soon as it latches into place, Rayne groans. “Oh, my God.”
“Your parents?” I raise a brow, and she nods.
“Yes. This is awful.”
“What’s awful?”
“They just caught us in bed together!” She frantically stands up. “And I didn’t tell him I was getting a tattoo.”
I get up and wrap my arms around her from behind. “Okay, listen. First, nobody caught us doing anything. We’re both grown-ups, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to worry about what your parents just saw. And second, you don’t need permission from them to get a tattoo.”
I kiss the top of her head before backing up. I see the strength in her build, her shoulders squaring, and she pauses. “You’re right. It’s just . . . this is all kind of new, I guess.”
“That’s an understatement.” I laugh.
“Rayne!” her dad bellows from the other room.
“Shit.” She hurriedly grabs my hands and pulls. “Come on.”
I follow her out of her room, completely unaffected that her parents are out there. I couldn’t care less what they think. I’m more concerned that Rayne told me she loves me, and I didn’t say it back. My fear is more that I’m allowing myself to be in a position where another man was first, and I can easily be tossed away. These foreign yet familiar emotions are pissing me off.
“An introduction would be nice,” her dad snaps, and out of respect for Rayne, I keep my mouth shut. This once.
She pulls me down onto her couch and clutches my hand. “This is Vaughn. He owns the tattoo shop next to The Lunch Box. This is my mom, Margaret, and my dad, Ron.”
I lean over the coffee table and shake both of their hands. “Nice to meet you,” I say to them while trying to avoid eye contact. I’m only doing these unnecessary introductions because I know Rayne is close to her parents.
Her mom says the same, but her dad doesn’t reciprocate. He shoots daggers at me, and for a second, he squints his brows, like he recognizes me, then looks at Rayne. “What is going on with you? You don’t show up for work, and now you have a tattoo?”
“I’m sorry. I, um, I had a bad night, and Vaughn—”
“I don’t care how bad your night was; unless you’re dead, you pick up the phone and call me. Not only do we rely on you for work, but you’re my daughter, and I worry about you.”
She looks down and squeezes my hand harder. “I’m sorry, Dad.”
He clears his throat, and I’m about ten seconds from punching him there for being so accusatory toward her. But because I just officially met the guy, I’ll refrain.
“Oh, honey. I’m just glad you’re okay. Kenny called us and said you were sick. What happened?” Her mom finally chimes in. At least, she seems to care; that’s much more than I can say for her dad since he’s just staring at me like he wants to choke me.
“Well, I decided that getting the tattoo was my first step in moving on.”
“From what?”
“From the guilt. The fear. Bryan,” she whispers, finally looking up at her father.
His face reddens. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
What the fuck?
“Yes. I need to move on, Dad. I need to live a life with a real future and not the unrealistic one I’ve been holding onto for years.”
Her mom smiles, but the dad stands and looks at me. My leather bracelet, my ripped jeans, my arm sleeve. “Because of him?”
Rayne stifles a cry and looks away from him. If he thinks his statement offends me or that his obvious distaste for me is a deterrent, he’s underestimated me. A fuck of a lot.
“Ron!” Margaret chastises.
“I don’t know what our daughter is thinking—”
He doesn’t get to say another word because I interrupt him. “Let’s start these introductions over.” I stand and meet him face to face, not afraid he’ll really see who I am this time. He’s just as tall as I am, so our eyes align perfectly. “I’m Vaughn, the man who won’t allow anybody to talk to my woman like that.”
“Your woman?”
“My woman.” I say it with confidence that I hope isn’t fabricated. We haven’t had a discussion about where we are in our relationship right now, but if she says she loves me, then I’m taking it at face value. She’s going to have a hell of a time pushing me away now.
“She’s my daughter.” He narrows his eyes and lowers his voice. “You’d better watch yourself, young man.”
“And you’d better watch yourself. She may be your daughter, but she’s m—”
“Stop it!” Rayne yells and stands between us, pushing us apart. “I’m not anybody’s, okay? I don’t belong to either of you, so both of you stop it. Dad”—she turns to face him—“I know how much of a shock this is, but I can’t continue living as I have been.”
His frame stiffens, but he doesn’t acknowledge what she just said.
“And Vaughn is the one who helped me to see that.” She steps next to me and wraps her arm, the non-tattooed side, around my waist. “He’s been nothing but patient, and he deserves—I deserve it for myself—to try to have a relationship with someone who truly cares about me. Because he does.” She looks up at me, and I’m compelled to kiss her. So I do. Soft but firm. She smiles against my lips and pulls back.
“We’ll talk later.” He turns to his wife, but Rayne grabs his arm. “No, we won’t. Not about this. Vaughn isn’t going anywhere, and I’m finally doing what I should have done a long time ago.” She drops her arm and wipes a tear from her eye. “I love you, Dad, but you have to accept it.”
He relaxes his shoulders and nods. “Will you be at work tomorrow?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll see you then.”
He walks out, and Margaret hugs Rayne then follows him out. When the door clicks shut, she walks to the kitchen and grabs a couple of bottles of water. Coming back to the living room, she sits next to me on the couch.
I take a bottle she holds out for me. “You all right?”
“Please don’t take offense to my dad. He r
eally loved Bryan, and since I’m his only daughter, he tends to be overbearing sometimes.”
“I’m not offended in the least.” I shrug. My relationship with people of authority, especially parents, is nonexistent.
She lets out a stream of air and falls back on the couch. “It’s just, I hate that you guys met under these circumstances. He’s normally really nice.”
“I need to know something.” I take a sip of my water and then pick at the label on the bottle.
“What?”
“Where are we?”
“In my living room on the couch,” she teases.
I laugh at her and set the bottle down. “I get it, Rayne. I can respect the fact you’ve been through something very difficult. But I need to know you’re with me. That what’s between us really means something to you. Because it does to me.”
“I can’t promise a magical thing just happened to make me forget everything and have no emotion about—”
“I’m not asking for you to be emotionless about . . . him.” It guts me to think she thinks about someone else. That I’m second. But I have to give her a chance to prove to me she’s willing to try. Because, on the flip side, I need to overcome my instincts to remain detached.
She scoots over to me, and I open my arms for her as she cuddles in close. We watch TV for a while before she dozes off. When she falls asleep, I carefully slide my arm out from beneath her and cover her with a blanket before locking the door behind me and leaving.
There’s a still in the night air very consistent with an impending snowfall. My truck warms up quickly as I drive down into the valley. The ghetto. The trashy part of town. The other side of the tracks. Whatever you want to call it—as long as it’s derogatory, it’s true. This part of town is a cesspool of crime and drugs; sometimes, I wonder how I even survived. I circle the block of my childhood home before I stop and park across the street from it.
At the corner are some young kids—too young to be out this late. Kind of like me at that age. On the opposite corner is a house that burned down when their meth lab exploded when I was twelve. Nobody ever fixed it up, and it’s remained vacant for over a decade. Sometimes, I would hide there when I was little; even though the smell was wretched, it was safer than being home.
