“No. I saw him. One. Night. I haven’t talked to him since.”
It was Cam’s turn again. “One night? You had a smoking-hot”—Cam glanced sheepishly at Gannon, then back to Roan—“hockey player in your bed for one night and you just let it go at that.”
“Not my bed. His,” Roan clarified. “I met him at a bar, went home with him, end of story.”
“So what was it like?”
Roan cocked an eyebrow. He’d never been the type to kiss and tell. Not even with his best friend. And quite frankly, Cam had never been the type to ask for details. Roan damn sure wasn’t going to start sharing his personal life, especially not with Cam and his husband. But something passed over Cam’s face, and Roan knew he was trying to get around to what he really wanted to ask.
So Roan waited.
They ate in silence for another minute or two and sure enough, Cam didn’t disappoint.
“Was there a possibility of this going further? Or were you … uh … hiding from him too?”
Roan dropped his fork, pinning Cam with a glare. “I’m sorry, all right? Yes, I pushed you away, okay? I didn’t want you to have to deal with her. She wasn’t … Cassie. The drugs had turned her into someone else entirely.”
Cam set his fork down. “I’m not talking about me,” he clarified, his voice eerily calm despite Roan’s outburst. “I’m as much to blame as you are, Roan. I should’ve been there for you. I should’ve pushed my way into your life, refusing to let you shut me out. But if there was something with this guy…”
“There wasn’t, okay? Nothing worth talking about, anyway.” And that was the truth. The night they’d spent together… Well, it had been off the charts, sure. But sex was sex. It didn’t matter that Roan had never felt as connected to anyone in his entire life as he had with Seg that night. They had agreed to one night. Roan only did what he’d promised.
“He came to the marina looking for you today,” Cam stated.
Roan’s eyes widened.
Cam nodded, as though answering Roan’s unspoken question. “Dare was there. Told him that you were taking some personal time.”
“How did he…?” Roan stared at Cam, unable to finish the sentence.
“Know where you worked?” Gannon chuckled. “I’m pretty sure it was on the card you gave him.”
“Shit.”
“No,” Cam countered. “Not shit. This guy’s into you, man. He came looking for you. That’s not a shit moment.”
Roan shook his head in disbelief. “Probably only so he could get me to guarantee I’ll never tell anyone he’s into dudes.”
“Closeted, huh?” Gannon asked.
“He’s so far in he can’t even see the door,” Roan stated, hoping they didn’t hear the disappointment in his tone.
“But if he wasn’t, you’d be interested?”
Roan didn’t answer that. “Dare didn’t tell him about…?” He peered down the hall.
“No. Of course not.” Cam looked at Gannon briefly, then back to Roan. “Seg said he’d like to talk to you. Asked Dare to give you his number.”
“I can’t talk to him,” Roan admitted.
“Sure you can.”
Roan shook his head. “I can’t.” He got to his feet, suddenly no longer hungry. “I’ve got to focus all my attention on Liam right now. I can’t… I don’t have time to deal with that.”
Shit. He knew he was letting Cam and Gannon both see his true feelings, but he was a little shaken by the knowledge that Seg had come to see him. It had been hard enough for him to ignore the text Seg had sent the other night, but he’d managed. For Liam.
Although a spark of hope flared somewhere deep inside him, Roan knew he had to tamp it down. He didn’t have time for this. Not for dealing with Seg or the unexpected and ill-timed feelings he’d managed to brush under the rug.
Hell, it was all he could do right now to keep going through the motions.
SOMETIMES SEG WISHED THEY HAD more games on the road. Especially on nights like tonight when he could do little more than drink beer at the Penalty Box and wish like hell Roan would show up out of the blue. He knew it wasn’t going to happen, yet he still sat at the table with a half dozen of his teammates, pretending to be celebrating last night’s win.
Truth was, Seg would’ve preferred to stay home tonight. After his trip out to the marina today—in which he’d hoped to find Roan—he’d been filled with disappointment. According to the guy he’d talked to in the small office, Roan was taking some time off for personal reasons.
Knowing he couldn’t look too interested, Seg had played it off, pretending he’d been in the area and wanted to stop by. Since the guy had been the one who had taken them out on the boat when Arrows management had attempted some sort of team-building exercise last summer, they chatted about the possibility of doing that again. The conversation had gone on far too long, but Seg had hoped it put the guy’s mind at ease, not leading him to believe that Seg was seeking out Roan for romantic reasons. Then again, he was pretty sure the guy in the office thought he was full of shit, but what could he do?
“What’s up, Seg?” Spencer Kaufman asked, bumping Seg’s shoulder as he passed by.
Seg didn’t bother to respond. It was simply Spencer’s way of checking in.
“Gorgeous, I think you might wanna go talk to my buddy over there,” Mattias Valeri—their first line right winger—said to one of the puck bunnies who had snuggled up around the table.
Seg damn sure wasn’t interested. A year and a half ago, he would’ve made a big production about some cute chick wanting to hop up on his lap and take a ride. That had been before Roan had blown his mind and made him seriously question what it was he really wanted.
“Chelsea,” the little blonde said by way of introduction, coming around to stand beside him.
Casting a glare at Mattias, Seg pushed back from the table and let the woman perch on his leg.
“How old are you, doll?” he asked, both to make small talk and to ensure he wasn’t about to make the world’s worst mistake ever.
“Twenty-two,” she said sweetly.
Twenty-two, his ass. She was nineteen if she was a day.
“You know what, sweetheart, I gotta hit the head. Keep my seat warm?”
She gifted him with a radiant smile, turning her attention to something being said across the table, as though in the past thirty seconds, she’d been pulled into the inner sanctum of the hockey underworld.
Christ Almighty.
Without feeling an ounce of guilt, Seg walked right out the front door and into the night.
It wasn’t until he got home that he pulled out his cell phone. Rather than send a text to Roan, he decided to give the man a call. He was gearing up for what he wanted to say on Roan’s voice mail when the rumbled, “Hello?” surprised him.
“Hey,” Seg greeted, feeling a little tongue-tied all of a sudden.
“Hey.”
“Got a minute?”
“Not really, no.”
Seg smiled. “Then why’d you answer?”
“No fucking clue,” Roan said with a snort of derision. “None whatsoever.”
Seg liked Roan’s honesty, even if it made him bristle a little.
“I heard you stopped by the marina today.”
“Yeah. Wanted to talk,” Seg explained.
“I won’t be around much for a while. Did you need something?”
Seg swallowed, debating on how he wanted to do this. He could go with the truth, or he could use the same lame excuses he’d used for too long now, making up some bullshit that would likely get him no closer to seeing Roan again.
“Look,” Roan began before Seg could get a word out, “I know you’re worried that I might say something. I swear to you, what happened between us will stay between us. I don’t have some crazy vendetta. I’m not looking to hurt your career, so you don’t have to worry about that. It’s been what? A year?”
“Fourteen months,” Seg blurted.
What the
fuck? Desperate much?
“Okay.” Roan sounded surprised. “It’s been fourteen months. I haven’t said anything yet. I’m not gonna say anything now.”
“I know that. That’s not…” Fuck. Why was this so damn hard?
They said silence was golden. On a phone call, silence was a bitch. Seg’s shoulders knotted the longer it went on.
“Okay. I’ll just come out with it,” he finally told Roan. “I want to see you. That’s all I know to say. I’ve spent too damn long thinking about … that night. I just… Goddammit. Why is this so fucking hard?”
Roan sighed on the other end of the phone, and Seg realized he’d said all of that out loud.
“Can I see you again?” Seg asked. “I can come to your place.”
“No.”
Okay, that was a quick answer. The way Roan said it sounded more as though he didn’t want Seg at his place and less like he was opposed to seeing Seg again period.
“I mean, I don’t have a place right now,” Roan continued. “I’m staying with friends.”
“Then you can come to my place. Remember the way?”
“No, I can’t.”
Disappointment stabbed his gut.
“Look, Seg, I’ve got a lot going on right now. I really don’t have time for … anything.”
“I’ll make you dinner,” he offered.
Another sigh from Roan and Seg realized he sounded desperate.
“Tell me this,” he told Roan, “do you even remember that night?”
There was silence for several seconds. Seg was starting to think Roan wasn’t going to answer when, finally, Roan cleared his throat.
Seg held his breath.
“Yeah,” Roan confirmed. “I remember it. Maybe a little too well.”
Seg lowered himself to the couch, his legs unable to hold him up any longer. Neither of them said anything for what felt like an eternity.
Unfortunately, Roan was the first to speak. “Look. I really do have a lot going on in my life right now. I don’t have time for—”
“Dinner?” Seg interrupted.
“Hell, I don’t have time to eat most of the time, no.”
Seg realized Roan was serious. “Something wrong?”
“My … uh … damn it.” Roan cleared his throat again. “My sister died a few days ago.”
“Oh, fuck, man. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks.”
“Was she sick?” Seg was craving even the smallest detail about Roan’s life. For some stupid-ass reason, he wanted to know something about him other than he was the best fucking lay he’d ever had in his life.
“Yeah. You could say that.”
To his dismay, Roan didn’t elaborate, so Seg left it at that. “I really would like to see you again. I don’t want to be a burden or anything. But maybe you could call me, you know, when you’ve got a few minutes to spare.” Damn, he sounded desperate, but he couldn’t help it. This man had him twisted up in knots.
“Yeah.”
By his tone, Seg knew Roan wasn’t promising anything. But he’d already said too much, made himself look too vulnerable. That was something he’d never done before and he didn’t know what it was about Roan. He seemed to be his Kryptonite or something.
“I’ll talk to you later,” Seg told him.
“Yeah. Okay.”
And with that, the call ended, and still, Seg felt no better than he had before the call.
Five
Almost two months later
December 10th
“WHAT DO YOU THINK, LIAM?” Roan asked his son—yep, that was exactly how he was thinking of him these days—as Roan carried Liam into the new nursery he’d set up that very day. In their very own house.
“I think it suits you well, little man.”
It hadn’t taken much time at all for Roan to find a house. Granted, he’d had the help of his friends, and thanks to an eager-to-sell couple who needed to close in as few days as possible, Roan had managed to get it all handled in just under a month. The three weeks after he’d signed the papers, Roan had spent most of his time with either a hammer or a paintbrush in hand, working to make the new-to-them house their own.
Liam helped, of course. Roan had shown him paint samples, which had gone over really well. Apparently, Liam wasn’t picky. So they went with a blue-gray on the walls in Liam’s bedroom. That, combined with the white furniture and the new white ceiling fan, made the perfect room for a three-month-old.
Aside from slapping a few coats of paint on the walls, Roan had redone the floors, laying down hardwood and having carpet installed in the bedrooms. There was still a lot to do, but Roan was satisfied with the progress.
“One of these days, we’ve gotta work on my room,” Roan told him as he carried the boy into the kitchen.
Liam’s face scrunched up in that way that said he was ten seconds away from a nuclear meltdown, complete with an ear-splitting cry that would let the man on the moon know that he was hungry.
“Yep, I’m readin’ your mind, kiddo. Got the bottle all ready to go.”
While Roan bounced Liam gently in his arms, he got himself situated, then set about feeding him using only one arm while he carried a load of laundry to his bedroom.
It was almost eerie how much his life had changed in two months. Then again, it had been changing for a while now. Ever since he up and moved out of the small apartment above the marina office and into Cassie’s less-than-desirable duplex, Roan had been living pretty much out of a gym bag. Now, he had twenty-five hundred square feet and a kid.
Life was good.
Okay, maybe not good good. But it was better than it had been. If only Roan could stop thinking about Seg. It was getting easier every day since he hadn’t heard from the man since the night of that last phone call. The one that had freaked Roan out completely. While Seg had been admitting that he wanted to see him, Roan had been tempted to tell him that there was no way this could possibly go anywhere because he was now a single dad. How on earth would that work into a hockey player’s schedule?
Not to mention, he seriously doubted Seg was looking for something serious. Now that he was a father, Roan couldn’t fathom having casual encounters. What sort of role model would he be if he let his son see that type of behavior from him?
And that was exactly how Roan viewed everything these days. From Liam’s point of view. He peered down at the drowsy baby in his arms. “I want to give you the best life possible,” he whispered. “In order to do that, I have to keep my focus right where it is. On you. Not on handsome hockey players.”
Anytime he thought about Seg, he reminded himself of what the outcome would be. If anything, Roan figured Seg was looking for a replay of that night. Sure, Roan wasn’t above hoping for that as well. Seriously, his brain could easily be overruled by his libido from time to time. But those were simply fantasies. Nothing more.
“Seriously,” Roan mumbled, more to himself than to Liam. “If I even wanted a replay, I would have to find a babysitter, hop in my truck, drive the half hour to Austin, another ten to Seg’s place…” Roan pressed his lips to Liam’s forehead. “By then, I’d be ready to run back home to you. It won’t work.”
While Roan separated the laundry, he glanced down at the baby still cradled in his arm. As usual, Liam had fallen asleep. Taking a break, he lifted Liam to his shoulder, patted his back gently until he’d earned himself a huge burp, then took the sleeping kid back to his crib. With monitor in hand, he headed back to the laundry. Before he could start folding towels, his phone rang.
His stomach instantly bottomed out, the same way it had every time the phone had rung since the night Seg had called. And just like every time since, it wasn’t the hockey player on the other end.
“Hey, Cam.”
“Hey, bro. Gannon was sitting here wondering—”
In the background, Roan heard Gannon grumbling, “Don’t tell him a story. You’re the one who was wondering.”
“You were, too,” Cam told Gannon, th
en turned his attention back to Roan. “Sorry. So, I was wondering if maybe Liam could come over for a sleepover.”
“Tonight?”
“Sure. It’s Saturday night, right? That’s a good night for you to go out, maybe grab a beer, call up a hockey player…”
Roan snorted. “Ain’t happenin’, man.”
“Oh, come on. I want to spend time with Liam. Y’all have been gone for two days, and it’s too quiet around here.”
“I’m seriously doubting that,” Roan countered. “You never shut up, so I’m not sure how that’s even possible.”
Cam laughed. “It’s still early. No game tonight. And I happen to have it on good authority that the Arrows are not on the road.”
Roan shook his head, but strange thing was, he was seriously considering this. He could take Liam over to Cam and Gannon’s, then head into Austin.
Or … maybe he could call Seg up, see if he wanted to grab dinner.
Maybe he’d want to stop by.
No.
This was a stupid idea.
Hadn’t he just been telling himself that this new way of thinking was the only way of thinking? He couldn’t do casual sleepovers with hot hockey players ever again.
“I just got Liam down,” he told Cam. “I don’t think tonight’s a good night.”
“Okay, fine. I tried. But the offer’s open anytime. We’d love to chill with Liam for a while, if, you know, you ever need a break.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“You do that. Talk to you later.”
“Later.” Roan hung up the phone and dropped it on the bed, but he continued to stare at it.
Forcing himself to finish the laundry, he put it all away, then made a quick stop by Liam’s room to check on him. Surprisingly, Liam had been sleeping for close to six hours a night, which was a blessing. If only Roan would go to sleep when Liam did…
“I’m gonna do it,” he told himself when he returned to his bedroom to find the phone sitting on his bed. “I’m gonna call him.”
He’d been battling himself for so long. And now, with Cam pushing him, Roan couldn’t help but think about Seg all day and all night. Even if it went nowhere, why did Roan have to be lonely all the time? Sure, he had Liam, and the time he spent with the boy was more than he could’ve ever hoped for. Plus, Liam was only three months old. He was young enough that Roan could sow a few wild oats and he’d be none the wiser. That way, when Liam was older, Roan would be content to be alone.
Harmless (Pier 70 Book 4) Page 7
