Dawn spotted Jason in his uniform coming down the steps of the small jet disgorging its twenty passengers. She wanted to hurtle herself into his arms, but had already been warned the military frowned on public displays of affection. Apparently, Jason forgot. When she got her breath back, she noticed Dod Henson and Jack Kohl approaching and called out a greeting as Jason took her hand.
They all waited at the conveyor belt that would deposit passenger luggage.
Jason brushed his other hand against her cheek. “What’ve you been doing while I’ve been away?”
“Keeping busy.”
“How’s your psychology class going?”
“Fascinating, but I’ve discovered another passion.”
“What’s that?”
She gave him an impish smile. “Wait and see.”
When he stepped through the door of the apartment, he stared. “Wow! Did you call in a decorator?”
“Nope. I did it all by myself. I spent less than two hundred dollars on the whole place. What do you think?”
“Classy.” He looked closer at the maps on the wall. “Where did you come up with all these ideas?”
“Women’s magazines, garage sales . . .”
He stepped around the partition. “I’m impressed.” He stared at the ceiling medallion where she’d tucked and hot-glued mosquito netting that draped the top half of the bed. He turned to grin at her. “Reminds me of a pasha’s tent. Do you have harem girls in the closet?”
“There’s only room for one girl in this apartment, Jason.” She stepped close and unfastened the top button on his camouflage shirt. She looked up at him as she unbuttoned the next and the next. “And don’t even think about adding another to your life.”
Jason swept her up in his arms and tossed her into the middle of the bed. “Not unless we have a daughter.”
45
1992
When she finally started student nursing, Dawn was distressed to discover that working in a hospital wasn’t anything like taking nursing classes. She could make beds and cheer the patients. She could do sponge baths and plump pillows. She could take vitals and fill out charts. But she felt queasy every time she watched a procedure. When called to help change dressings, she sucked in her breath every time the patient did. The sight of more than a tablespoon of blood made yellow and black spots dance before her eyes.
It wasn’t her calling. That was the problem. She watched the other nursing students and knew they loved what they were doing, while she dreaded every minute. She felt tense and uncomfortable the moment she stepped into the hospital, afraid she wouldn’t be up to whatever emergency she’d face.
Jason tried to cheer her up. “You should’ve majored in art and interior design.”
Too late now. Mom and Mitch, Christopher, and Granny came down together for Dawn’s graduation. Georgia arrived a day ahead, thought the apartment “stunning,” and accepted the invitation to sleep on the sofa rather than pay for a motel room.
The rest agreed with Georgia. “I think you missed your calling, Pita.”
Great. Just what she needed to hear.
Jason sat proudly in the audience as Dawn received honors for her academic work. He needed another year to finish his engineering degree, especially now that he’d decided to add on a master’s.
Christopher begged Dawn and Jason to come home for the summer. Everyone else joined in. Georgia said Kim and Tom were coming home. “She’s pregnant.”
Dawn couldn’t wait for the day when she and Jason could start a family.
Granny patted Jason’s arm. “You haven’t been out to Jenner since before Papa died.” Dawn felt heat flood her face and lowered her head, hoping no one noticed. Granny rushed on. “You two can stay in the downstairs apartment as long as you like, take drives along the coast, walk on the beach. Spend a week . . . or a month.”
Mom looked at Dawn. “It’d be nice if you’d spend a few weeks with us, too.”
“Don’t forget you have a mother, Jason.”
Under the table, Jason’s hand slid to Dawn’s thigh. “Nice to be in such demand.” He gave her a teasing smile. “We wouldn’t have to pay rent for two months.”
Dawn and Jason spent the first two weeks with Georgia. Dawn felt odd the first night, sleeping in Jason’s old bed with Georgia just across the narrow hall. Both tense, they spoke in whispers and barely touched.
After their stay with Georgia, they moved to Alexander Valley to spend time with Mom, Mitch, and Christopher. Christoper jabbered all through the first dinner and left shortly afterward for an overnight at a friend’s house. Dawn insisted on doing the dishes. When the phone rang, Mom answered. Dawn could tell by her shuttered expression Granny was on the other end of the line.
“They just got here. . . . I don’t know. They haven’t said anything. They were over at Georgia’s for two weeks.” She listened for a moment, shoulders drooping. “They have friends to see and things to do. . . . Yes. I know.” She looked at Dawn and mouthed, Granny wants to talk to you.
Dawn dried her hands and took the phone. Mom went into the family room, where Mitch and Jason were watching a golf tournament. Mitch said something, and Mom sat next to him. He draped an arm around her and she leaned into his side.
Granny wanted to know how soon Dawn and Jason were coming to Jenner. Feeling guilty, Dawn said they wouldn’t come for three weeks, at least. So long? Granny didn’t try to cover her disappointment. “I’d like to spend as much time with Mom and Mitch and Christopher as I can, Granny.”
“Oh. Well. Of course, I understand.” Her tone hinted the opposite. “There are three of them to visit with and only one of me.”
Dawn winced with guilt. “We could come out for a visit on Saturday.”
“I’ll fix a nice lunch.”
When Dawn told Jason, Mitch gave her an odd look. Mom kept her focus on the television.
Later that night, Jason slipped his arm around her as they lay in bed. “What’s with your mom and grandmother?”
“I’m not sure, but I think I’m the bone of contention.”
“How so?”
“Mom came home from Haight-Ashbury pregnant. Granny had to give up her nursing career to take care of me.”
“Somehow I don’t think she minded.” He ran a finger over her brow. “Where was your mom while your grandmother was taking care of you?”
“Going to school, working. I think she was trying to piece her life back together.”
“She picked a good man to help her.”
“Mitch picked her. As far as I know, my mother never even went on a date until he rode into town on his motorcycle. He was Uncle Charlie’s best friend. He told me once he’s been in love with Mom since high school.”
“Sounds like someone else I know.” Jason leaned down and kissed her.
When he raised his head, she ran her fingers through his short hair. “Mitch is the only person Mom allows close.” She sighed. “Mothers and daughters should be close, too. I know Mom and Granny love each other, but they can’t talk. I’m not sure who put up the wall first or why. I just wish I knew how to tear it down.”
They curled together like two spoons in a drawer. Jason wrapped his arm around her. “Ask God to do it for you.”
1993
Everyone came for Jason’s graduation. Jason wore a black cap and gown to receive his bachelor’s and master’s diplomas. Later that same day, he wore his Army uniform with red trim and socks to designate he was an engineer. Dawn had never seen him more handsome.
The past year had been difficult, but she knew harder days were to come.
While Dawn sat silent, Jason told everyone what was coming. He had orders to Fort Sill, Oklahoma, where he’d go through three months of basic infantry training. After that, he’d train with the corps of engineers at Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri. Then he could apply for Airborne, Ranger, or Special Forces training.
Granny jumped in and pressed Dawn with advice to quit her nursing job at the clinic and stay at Je
nner until Jason had a duty station.
Mom spoke quietly. “That could be months away.”
Granny looked annoyed. “It’s not easy chasing all over the country. I’ve done it.” She turned to Dawn. “You move into a room somewhere and wait until he has a weekend off. You’ll be lonely and depressed.”
Jason frowned as though that side of things hadn’t even occurred to him until Granny brought it up.
Mom interrupted. “Dawn should decide.”
“I wasn’t saying she shouldn’t. I just think Dawn would be better off spending time with family now.”
Dawn jumped in before things could get worse. “I’ve already decided what I’m going to do.”
Jason looked at her in surprise. “You have?”
“Yes.” She smiled at him, trying to project more confidence than she felt. “Where you go, I go.” She glanced around the table, at Mitch, Mom, Christopher, Granny, and Georgia. “I love all of you very much, but Jason is my husband.”
“But . . . ,” Granny stammered.
“If I have to live in a tent, Granny, it’s all right by me. I belong with Jason.”
A few seconds of silence could feel like an eternity.
“Okay then.” Jason’s eyes shone. He took her hand and kissed it.
Granny’s shoulders slumped. “Thank God there’s no war.”
“What, Hildie?” Mitch grinned down the table. “Dawn might strap on a rifle and follow him into battle?”
Everyone laughed, even Granny, though not as brightly. “I shouldn’t be surprised. Dawn is my granddaughter.” She told the gathering she’d almost enlisted in the nursing corps during World War II, but Trip made her ineligible.
“How’d he do that?” Christopher wanted to know.
“He got me pregnant!”
More laughter resounded around the table. Georgia winked at Dawn. “Now, there’s a welcome idea.”
Dawn put in her two-week notice at the clinic. They offered a bonus if she would stay until they could find a replacement. After discussing it with Jason, Dawn agreed to stay on staff for a month. Jason had his Honda serviced, packed, and headed for Oklahoma, leaving Dawn to decide what to take, sell, or give away before following him to Fort Sill.
Until Jason walked out the door, Dawn had no qualms about the decisions they had made. After he left, she lay awake at night, filled with anxiety. What had ever given her the idea she could drive cross-country alone? What if the car overheated or broke down? What if she ran out of gas on some long stretch across Arizona or New Mexico? Where would she stay when she arrived in Lawton, Oklahoma?
Burying her face in her hands, Dawn prayed. Her mind wandered to Abraham and Sarah. God had told Abraham to go forth from his country, his relatives, and his father’s house to the land God would show him. And he’d gone without question, just like Jason. Maybe she should have been like Sarah and gone with him rather than stay behind and follow later.
Lord, help me not to be afraid.
Oma came to mind. She’d never been afraid of anything, had left home at fifteen and gone out alone into the world to make her own way. Oma had lived in Montreaux and then moved to France and on to England. She boarded a ship, crossed the Atlantic, and started all over again in Montreal, Canada. When she married, her husband went off to the wheat fields to work, leaving her behind to run a boardinghouse and then travel by herself with a babe in arms to join her husband. Then she gave birth to Granny in a cabin out in the middle of nowhere—no hospital, no doctor, not even a midwife to help her. Later, with three children, she packed and came with her husband to California, where they lived in a tent before finally having a place of their own.
Fear lost its grip when Dawn thought about her great-grandmother. Granny had always said Oma was hard, but Dawn hadn’t found her that way during that week in Merced. Crusty on the outside, perhaps, but she’d revealed a softness inside that had made Dawn wish she’d spent more time with her, gotten to know her better. Still, she had assurance Oma’s blood ran in her veins.
God didn’t give His children a heart of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. She would get maps, lay out her route, and take the journey one day at a time. What sense did it make to worry about tomorrow?
Dawn talked with her mother before setting off. She half hoped Mom would volunteer to come with her. Instead, she talked about Oma. “She loved to take long drives and explore. She would’ve loved the kind of trip you’re going on.”
Doodling on a notepad, Dawn tossed out another hint. “It’s a little daunting driving so far without any company.”
“I know. I did it once.”
“You had a friend with you.”
“Half-comatose from drugs and alcohol.”
“Oh.”
“You don’t have to go alone, Dawn. You could ask Granny.”
Dawn’s heart sank, and she rubbed her forehead. “I think I should go alone. I might as well grow up now and not put it off.”
“You’re growing up quite nicely, May Flower Dawn.”
The softly spoken compliment brought tears to Dawn’s eyes. “Do you really think so, Mom?” She felt like a baby, wanting to wail.
“Yes. I do. I’m proud of you.”
Dawn almost blurted out that she wanted her mother to come with her. She wanted time alone with her so they could talk. She wanted to get to know her mother before they were separated by half a continent. “I’m a little nervous about the trip.”
“Understandable, but you won’t be alone, Dawn. You’re never alone. God is with you. He goes ahead and He watches your back. He walks with you and dwells inside you. Just keep listening to Him.”
“I’m glad you finally started believing in God.”
“I’ve believed in Jesus for twenty-four years, Dawn. It’s people I never learned to trust. I’ll be praying for you. So will Georgia and a host of others. Granny, too. You know that. If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like you to call me, let me know how far you make it each day. You don’t have to talk long.”
“Jason insisted I check in with someone every day.”
“Good for Jason.”
When they hung up, Dawn finished packing the last few things and went to bed, hoping for a good night’s sleep before she set off the next morning. But her mind wouldn’t shut down.
Twenty-four years. Isn’t that what her mother had said? That would make it right around the time she had gotten pregnant. Maybe it had been the hardship and accidental pregnancy that had driven her mother to her knees. A desperate surrender.
Dawn yearned for the open affection Mom gave Christopher. But at least now her mother felt pride in her. They could talk more. Their best days as mother and daughter had been during the worst time in Dawn’s life. Mom had known she grieved over Jason. When she came to Dawn’s bedroom that dark night of despair, and Dawn confessed, Mom never spoke a word of condemnation or disappointment. What Mom said helped Dawn change course: Examine yourself; take what is true and do what’s right. And when others hurt you, forgive.
Maybe someday they’d be able to sit down and really talk. Maybe someday they could go back to the beginning and go deep and rise up out of the pain of the past, together.
46
Dawn set out early Saturday morning, a disposable camera close at hand. She drove north to Atascadero, cut across to Shandon, and then took the road southeast toward the Central Valley. Orchards covered the area around Blackwells Corner. She pulled in at James Dean’s Last Stop and browsed shelves of candy, dried fruit, jars of preserves and salsas, Indian art, and fifties memorabilia. After buying trail mix and a few souvenir postcards, she got back on the road. She passed rows of pink, red, and white rosebushes near Wasco before joining Highway 99 south.
She stopped at a roadside café on the other side of Bakersfield for lunch and studied the map while she ate. Later in the afternoon, she stretched her legs by walking through a Route 66 museum. Heat kept her in the car after that. Finally, as night approached, she could see a dome of li
ght on the horizon. Las Vegas. She drove the Strip and found the hotel where she’d made a reservation.
Tossing her duffel bag on the green paisley spread, she picked up the telephone and punched the number for an open line.
Mom answered on the second ring and sounded relieved when she heard it was Dawn. “Everything go okay today?”
Dawn summarized what she’d seen in less than a minute.
“Are you in a decent place?”
“Clean, good lock, close to the Tropicana. I’m going to walk over there for dinner.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to delay you.”
Dawn realized how abrupt she must sound. “I didn’t mean to . . .” Why was it so much easier to talk to Granny than her mother?
“You go have a nice dinner, Dawn. I’ll talk to you in a few days. Call me collect.”
After a very reasonably priced buffet dinner, she returned to the hotel and wrote to Jason.
I wish I could sketch like Aunt Rikki. . . . I bought a copy of On the Road by Jack Kerouac. Maybe it will boost my enthusiasm for this trip. . . .
She spent half the next day at Hoover Dam and then drove nonstop to Hurricane, Utah, checked into a hotel, and ate at a small diner next door before calling Granny. She hadn’t talked more than five minutes when Granny started worrying about long-distance charges. When she mentioned it again a minute later, Dawn surrendered.
She left early the next morning to see Zion National Park. Mom wanted to hear all about it, but Dawn was too tired to talk long and wanted to get a letter off to Jason before she went to bed.
This will be a short letter, my love. I miss you so much! I wish you were making this trip with me. I’m trying not to rush. I know if I do, I’ll just end up sitting alone in an apartment and crying all day. . . .
The farther she drove, the lonelier she felt. She tried not to think how many more days it would take to reach Lawton, Oklahoma. Jason would be living in the barracks for three months. They’d see each other only on weekends.
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