by K. Ryan
Still, I was positive that by the time this night was over, all the club's doubt and all the club's suspicion would lie right where it belonged: squarely on Becca's shoulders. My mom's intuition rarely missed the mark and she'd said Becca was shifty. She'd said she didn't trust Becca as far as she could throw her. That was good enough for me.
It was that thought that carried me out of church and onto the clubhouse's main floor to find Isabelle, who still sat stiffly at one of the tables in the middle of the floor right where I'd left her. Judging by the firm, thin line pressed across her lips as she appraised my approach, she wasn't any happier now than she was before church started.
But she had something to prove to my club now, even if she didn't know it yet. She'd pull it out. I knew she would because I couldn't think about the alternative right now if she didn't.
I settled my hands over her shoulders and leaned down to murmur in her ear, "You wanna head back to my dorm, Iz?"
She just nodded silently, allowing me to pull her out of her chair and down the hallway to my dorm room. As soon as she was close enough to my bed, she sank down into the mattress and ran her hands through her hair. She glanced up at me with hard, albeit tired eyes and that only spiked my anxiety about this upcoming conversation.
"Iz," I started slowly, resting my hands on my knees to bring myself down to her level. "What happened back there? What the hell did they say to you?"
Those simple, hushed words must've broken through the wall she'd built up around herself and a tear slipped down her cheek. Now, everything else shoved aside for me. All I cared about was this girl in front of me and I sank to my knees, bringing both hands around her face to gently wipe away her tears.
"What happened?" I pressed again and moved my hands around her face to force her to look at me.
She roughly pushed my hands off her and spat out: "I was ambushed, Caleb. That's what happened."
I sat back on my heels again to give her some space, but staying close enough that I could get to her again easily if she needed me to. I'd expected confusion. I'd even expected anger, but what I hadn't expected was the anguish, the frustration, and the disappointment all directed right at me.
"God, I really wish I could have a drink right now," she muttered under her breath and abruptly leaned back to put some more space between us.
It was probably for the best I just ignore that. "You said you felt ambushed. What do you mean, Iz?"
"That agent...Agent Jordan, he made me feel like such an idiot," she shook her head furiously and wiped a stray tear away with the back of her hand. "He knew so many things I hadn't thought about, things I didn't know."
My hands rested gently on the top of her knees and I hoped she needed that physical contact just as much as I did right now. "Like what?"
"Have you really been arrested three times?"
I sucked in a harsh breath and then hung my head down in between us, scrubbing a hand over my face. We needed to be on the same page here, but our lines of communication had gotten crossed somehow.
Yeah. Definitely hadn't expected this shit. This was my fault. Her feeling ambushed. Her looking at me like I was a liar and a damned fraud. All my fault.
"Why didn't I know that?" she demanded. "I mean, I knew about that time when we were in high school, but the other two...why didn't you tell me?"
One arrest, especially for something like idiotic, teenage antics, might not have mattered so much to her, but two others she had no knowledge of? I should've told her at the Lobos-Cobra patch-over. That was my chance and I didn't take it.
And now I was paying for it.
I sighed and tugged a hand through my hair. "I really screwed up, didn't I?"
"Yeah," she replied simply. "You did. How are we supposed to have a life together if you don't trust me enough to tell me something like that? And the problem is now, I'm sitting here wondering what else you haven't told me. What else you've decided I'm not important enough to know."
I exhaled one more time before rocking back on my heels again so I could get a better look at her. This was on me. This was my fault. My issues. My insecurities.
Well, I guess it was time for me to man-up and face those issues and insecurities head-on.
"Iz," I started slowly to gauge her reaction and calm her down a little. "Whatever went down this morning is because of me, not you. Him ambushing you like that is my fault. I just never found the right time to sit you down and tell you. I should've told you at that patch-over party, but you didn't ask and so I didn't tell you."
Her eyes flared blue fire at me and I almost ducked to get out of the way. "So you're saying you didn't tell me you were arrested three times because I didn't ask?"
My hands shot up in defense. "I'm not sayin' that makes it okay because it's not. And it's not that I don't trust you. What can I do, Iz? What do I need to do to make this right?"
"You can start by telling me why you were arrested."
I nodded and swallowed tightly. "Alright. You already know about the first one, so, I got the second one for petty theft when I was 18 and stupid because I got caught lifting some shit outta some asshole's crotch rocket at a gas station. I really shouldn't have done it, but the jerk was just askin' for it. I got two weeks in County, so I guess the joke was on me, right?"
I laughed stiffly and my eyebrows lifted, watching her closely for some reaction, but she gave me nothing. Yeah, I guess I could see why she'd have a hard time finding humor in a situation where I was sitting here, joking about my arrest history. So in an effort to save face, I cleared my throat and fisted my palm on her knee.
"I got the third about two years ago for assault," her eyes widened in alarm and I immediately jumped into damage control. "Pretty much half the club all got brought in too. Some shit went down with the Warlords and someone called the cops. We all got our asses thrown in County for a month while the Warlords licked their wounds and thought they'd made their point."
She was silent for a few long moments until her eyes finally lifted up to find me. "Is that supposed to make me feel better? You went to jail for a month for assault and I'm supposed to just be okay with that because other guys from the club went in too?"
"No," I pushed out roughly and I just wished she'd let me touch her more than she was letting me now. "You're not, but that's what happened."
She blew out a deep breath, her eyes trained on a spot in the carpet right in front of my feet. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"You and the baby are the most important things in my life, Iz. Please tell me you know that," I leaned forward to get her to look at me as both my hands rested on her knees. She still wouldn't look at me, but I had to keep going. "I should've told you right away when we first got together. I guess I just wanted to avoid the way you're lookin' at me right now. Not that I don't deserve it."
Isabelle's eyes snapped up and I knew I wasn't going to like what she said next. "Okay. Tell me what else I don't know. There's gotta be more than just that."
There was one other thing she didn't know. One other thing I'd never wanted to tell her. One other thing I never thought I'd even be able to say out loud. I didn't want to have to look her in the eye and say it to her face. So like the coward I was, I needed her to help me get there first.
"Ask me what you need me to tell you," I didn't even try to hide the desperation in my voice, "and I'll do it."
Isabelle studied me carefully, like she was sorting out whether or not both of us could handle what was coming next, but when she finally spoke, it wasn't the question I was expecting.
"Have there been...have you..." she stuttered helplessly and looked down at our feet again. "Do you still take girls back to your dorm when I'm not around?"
A hard laugh erupted from my throat and then that hard laugh died right where it landed when the seriousness of her question finally slapped me in the face. She was serious. Dead serious.
"Where is this coming from, Iz?"
Isabelle's eyes snapped to mine and there was
an accusation in her eyes now that had me jumping to explain.
"You told me once there couldn't be any other girls. You told me you just needed to hear me say the words and you would trust me and I told you I didn't want anyone but you. What's changed since then?"
She paled almost instantly and for the first time since we'd come into my dorm, she reached for me. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything. I know that's probably not how it sounded, but I just don't know what to think here, you know? Since the night we talked about all that, I've honestly never even thought about it again, at least not before that agent basically told me you were cheating on me every chance you got."
The air in the room suddenly ran cold and now I was imagining myself wrapping my hands around that bastard agent's throat for having the balls to even suggest something like that to her.
"I'm not cheating on you," I told her slowly. "I would never do that to you. I asked you to marry me. I bought you a house. We're having a kid. Why would I do all those things and then turn around and..."
I couldn't even finish that sentence. Couldn't stomach even thinking the words. When my gaze found Isabelle again, the hard, judgmental, suspicious glint was gone from her eyes and had replaced all that with a softer expression I was more accustomed to as she anxiously spun her engagement ring around her finger.
"I'm sorry."
Those words shoved away the darkness that had just surrounded us, but unfortunately, I had a feeling things were just about to get a little darker. She'd have more questions and I'd have to give her more answers. I squeezed my eyes shut and when they shot open again, I reached out to tuck some stray hair behind her ear and pulled her knuckles up to my mouth so I could brush my lips against them.
That was for me just as much as it was for her.
"Don't be sorry, Iz," my voice, so quiet and hoarse, was almost unrecognizable at this point. "You and the baby are the only good things in my life. I wish we didn't have to talk about this, but I've been in the clubhouse too, you know? I know what you see, I know what it looks like...I know how I used to be. But I need you to understand there is nowhere I wanna be than right next to you and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you or the baby. Please tell me you understand that."
Her watery eyes widened a little and suddenly, she was leaning forward to wrap her arms around my neck to hold me close.
"I do understand," she murmured in my ear. "I guess I just needed to hear you say it one more time."
My lips curled up into a smile and I sealed them over her mouth, finally feeling some of that darkness slip away completely.
"I'm sorry I've been such a basket case today," she whispered. "My head just got so twisted around. I didn't know which way was up, you know? He said so many things that just hurt."
My head shot up at her words. "What else did that agent—what's his name? What else did he say to you?"
With a heavy sigh, she lifted a shoulder and I knew this was going to be yet another mood killer.
"He basically said it was only a matter of time before you get arrested again and end up in jail. He said it'll be a cycle: you'll commit crimes, get caught, go to jail, get out, and then do it all over again."
Dark fury clouded my vision and now she looked a little afraid to continue. I felt like I was going to tear the carpet off the floorboards.
"What else..." I fumed, my nostrils flaring and my chest heaving furiously. "What else did he say?"
She gulped and probably against her better judgment, delivered the last blow: "He told me that someday, you'll just be in prison and I'll be all alone with our kids."
My lips twitched and then I was up on my feet, barely aware of what I was even reaching for until I heard the crash. The best I could come up with in close quarters was the nearby ashtray I'd sent hurtling to the wall, but it didn't make me feel better. Putting my fist through the wall wouldn't have made me feel any better at this point.
Isabelle jumped at the sound of shattering glass and sat frozen on the bed, watching helplessly while I staggered a few feet away from her, clenching and unclenching my fists with my back to her. I just couldn't face her, just couldn't let her see me like this right now, and my shoulders hunched dangerously until I could get a handle on my shit so I didn't erupt again in front of her.
There was a truth in what that agent said to her today that I just couldn't reconcile.
When a soft hand rested gently on my shoulder, I jumped at the contact and just that little bit of connection sent the fury slipping away as I turned to face her. Just as I felt her arms wrapping around my neck, my head fell to the crook of her neck as I drew her in deeper into my chest.
"I'm so sorry, Iz," I whispered into her skin. "That shouldn't have happened to you today. I should've been there with you."
"It's okay, Caleb—"
"No," I cut in sharply, bringing my head up to look at her. "It's not okay that he blindsided you like that. These goddamned assholes think they know everything and they don't care who they run over to get what they want."
"It's not just that, Caleb," she started unevenly. "He scared me."
I frowned at her words. "What do you mean?"
"I know I shouldn't have let him get to me. I know I shouldn't have let anything he said mean anything," she blew out a deep breath as she tried to conjure the right words to accurately describe this. "But I've never felt this scared before, Caleb. They're not going to stop, are they?"
"You don't have anything to worry about," I promised her quietly and ran a thumb over her cheek. "We're gonna take it easy, lay low, and ride it out. This will all be over before you know it."
She nodded into my hands and I pulled her into my arms, holding her as tightly as I could, hoping this was enough.
"Is there anything else I need to know, Caleb?" Isabelle whispered into my chest and I knew what she was really asking.
"You know I'd never say anything, right?" she pressed anxiously, needing me to understand that all of my secrets were safe with her. "Everything you've ever told me—I'd never say a word to anyone, not even if the person was holding a gun to my head."
I winced and scrubbed a hand over my face to wipe that image from my mind. "Don't say that, Iz."
"It's true though," she shrugged a little too easily. "It doesn't matter what you've done for the club or what you might do. If you tell me about it and honestly, I hope you do because we need to trust each other, but if you tell me, I don't care what it is. Drugs or—"
"We don't run drugs, Iz," I told her. "The club gets into enough bad shit as it is and we don't need that extra pressure. Besides, something like that could carry a life sentence, depending on how much you've got on you, and none of us are stupid enough to go down that road just for a paycheck."
She nodded slowly, but there was no relief on her face. I think I knew why as she opened her mouth again to speak.
"Have you ever—"
"Yes," I cut in quietly. I didn't want her to have to say it out loud anymore than I did, but if someone had to say it, I was going to be the one to do it. "I've killed for the club before."
At this point, all the blood drained out of her beautiful face and tears welled up in her eyes, but I had to keep going.
"If you wanna know who and when and why, I'll tell you."
I waited for something from her, but she just shook her head. All those faces flashed across my mind now—all six of them. Six lives I'd taken to save my brothers, to help my club. Six lives who would've shot Dom, who would've slit Tiny's throat, who would've beaten Casey into a coma, who would've stolen thousands of dollars from the club, who would've ratted on the club and sent us to prison if I hadn't stepped in and put them down first. It wasn't an excuse and it didn't justify my actions. All I'd done was my job.
"I can't apologize for protecting my club, Iz," I murmured and dared a step closer to see if she'd move away. She didn't. "I wouldn't hesitate to do it again if I had to. I'll always protect my family. The club, my mom, Lex and Chloe...y
ou and our baby. Especially you and our baby. I wouldn't hesitate. You know that, right?"
Isabelle frowned back at me, even as my hand slid over her fingertips and squeezed. For someone like her, who'd never known what being connected to the club really meant on this most basic level, who'd never had to draw a gun to protect someone she cared about, I knew how hearing all this must feel for her. The shock. The disbelief. The disgust. It was all there, written across her pale face. I couldn't blame her.
"I didn't want to talk to you about all of this," I whispered hoarsely. "Because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the way you're lookin' at me. I didn't want you to know, even though you deserved to."
She deserved to know who she was about to marry, have a kid with, and have a life with. And if it was really too much, if she really couldn't take it, maybe it was better that I just knew it now.
But instead of running away, instead of looking at me with the disgust I probably deserved, Isabelle just nodded soberly and reached out to touch my face. "I get it. I really do. I can't believe I'm saying this right now, but at the end of the day, I don't think I care what you've done as long as you're safe and you're coming home to me."
That acceptance, even if there was resignation attached to it too, was exactly what I needed from her. While all of this had shed new light on everything Isabelle probably thought she knew about the club, she wasn't running out the door screaming her head off and taking our kid with her.
But now, with the weight of the club's orders settling on my shoulders, I knew it was pretty much time for her to leave the clubhouse so she could prove to Marcus, for once and for all, that she was an old lady who could be trusted.
"Hey, Iz," I rested both hands around her face and brushed some hair out of her eyes. "I gotta ask you a question now and I'm sorry I have to ask it, but if there's anything I need to know, anything they might try to use against us, you need to tell me now."
That wasn't really a question, but it was mainly because I already knew the answer anyway. I just needed to be sure and cover all my bases before Eli and ZZ came back with their report.
