And the bulls are ready.
I take a seat on the fence behind the chute, so I can see Garrison’s ride. He’s still in the chute, readying himself, everyone waiting for his nod.
“Hey, stranger.” A woman’s voice sounds.
Oh shit.
“Hey, Riley.”
She climbs up on the fence next to me.
“Been a while, Atwood.” She bumps my shoulder and bites her lower lip. “If I were a betting woman, I’d bet ten thousand that says you’ve been avoiding me.”
I let out a slow chuckle. She’d be right. If I couldn’t have Tess, Riley might be a close second.
“You’ve had some real good rides, cowboy. Hear you’re a contender in the World Finals.”
Riley’s long, dark hair rolls down her back.
“Can’t say you’ve had a bad year chasing those barrels either.”
She smiles. “I’ve done all right.”
“Don’t be modest, Ri.”
Garrison gives the nod.
The commentator explodes with words. “Garrison is on the bubble, folks, for a spot in the World Finals. These next several weekends will decide his fate. Look at him go!”
The bull jumps, twists, turns, and bucks. But Garrison is in a zone all by himself.
Jump.
Twist.
Turn.
Buck.
Twist.
Turn.
Jump.
Buck.
The horn sounds, and I stand and throw a fist into the air as Garrison does the same after he dusts himself off.
Riley is standing up, cheering next to me.
“Hey,” she says, “can I talk to you?”
Fuck.
This is it.
She’s going to ask why I’ve been avoiding her.
We had sex. I don’t know … we were kind of together, but I couldn’t fully commit.
I jump down behind the chute and help her down.
“Look, Atwood, to be … to be quite honest, I would wait forever for you. But I’m not sure you can say the same. It’s like we were in a relationship with calls and texts, dinners and dancing, and then you made love to me for the first time. Then, you were just … gone. I had to hear from Garrison that you went back home.” She pauses for a minute. Looks down at her feet and then back up at me. “I will be okay if you just tell me what the hell is going on.” Her voice is calm, even-keeled. Steady. “And then I see the pictures of you and Ava online …” Her voice grows to a quiet whisper.
I won’t make excuses. She’s right.
“Casey, I fell hard for you, and if you don’t feel the same, then let me go. But you can’t text me anymore. You can’t call me anymore. I need a man who’s willing to be there for me in all aspects of my life.”
“Atwood!” Travis calls down the row of chutes. “You’re up next!”
Riley looks up at me with her doe eyes and long eyelashes. “Atwood, you’ve always had walls up, like you’re trying to protect yourself from the world, and I think you hide behind the bulls, the eight-second rides, the excitement, just so you don’t have to deal with life,” she says with sincerity and truth as tears begin to form.
“Come on, Ri. Don’t do that.” I pull her in for a hug. “Please don’t cry.”
She laughs against my safety vest.
“Why do you have to be such a good cowboy and be broken in ways that people can’t see?”
“Atwood! Let’s go!”
Her words fall directly against me, hitting me in the chest, the gut.
I pull away from her. “You’re right. I suppose my heart is a bit broken.”
I leave Riley standing there, just like I did months ago. She’s a beautiful woman.
She’ll find her happiness, I told myself then and I tell myself now.
“Why do you have to be such a good cowboy and be broken in ways that people can’t see?”
I let Riley’s words fester inside me as I climb into the chute with the bull.
I feel the beast breathe underneath my thighs.
Top Ten feels my tension.
He head-butts the gate. Stomps his hoof.
I tighten the rope around my hand and get right in my position.
And I can’t stand these feelings, and the only way to escape them is to latch on to the adrenaline.
“Okay, boys!” I nod.
Top Ten launches out of the chute on a tirade.
Angry, he spins.
Buck.
Twist.
Kick.
Spin.
Angry, he moves with speed and precision, a method.
Each time his front hooves make contact with the ground, I feel his force throughout my body.
I breathe and dance with Top Ten as if he were the wind and I were the silk.
Move.
Follow.
Move.
Follow.
Move.
Follow.
As if we were one muscle working together.
The loud horn sounds, and I release myself from the bull, only to come up facedown in the dirt.
Just as I look up, I’m face-to-face with the bull.
A few feet away from one another, we lock eyes.
Just me and the beast.
My breathing is the only thing I hear. It’s loud, and it ricochets off the cool, hard dirt. Pulsates in my ears.
He could kill me right now.
One step on my skull, and I wouldn’t make it.
Tess would be alone.
My parents and brothers would grieve another son, another brother.
There are moments in life where we’re pressed with decisions, ones that could change the trajectory of our lives.
Follow your heart and make the right choice, or follow your ego, and you’ll play Russian roulette.
The snarl of the bull’s stare eats at my insides—maybe his way of saying, You’re close to meeting your maker. Stop this. Do something different. I’m giving you a chance to live. Do it right.
The bullfighters pull at my arms as another bullfighter jumps in front of the bull.
What seemed like several minutes has only been several seconds.
With help from a bullfighter and with one swift movement, I run for the fence.
The crowd erupts, and I turn to see the sea of people on their feet.
“Boy, oh boy! That was one heck of a ride by veteran Casey Atwood! Whoa! I haven’t seen a ride like that since … well, I’m not sure. But this one—this one—was incredible!”
I try to catch my breath while attempting to wrap my head around not the ride, but the moment between the bull and me. When the arena fell silent and all that made sense was me and Top Ten and his eyes, the way they burrowed into mine. Safely up on the fence, resting my head against on a board, I close my eyes.
“Come on, cowboy!” one of the bullfighters calls to me, his hand hits my vest. “Hell of a ride!”
“Folks”—the commentator’s voice gathers with excitement—“a well-earned score of ninety-four!”
The arena explodes, and it takes everything in me to let go of the fence, turn to the crowd, take off my hat, and wave.
The commentator’s voice is muffled because the roar of the crowd is so loud.
Cowboys, bull riders, PBR officials smack my back, congratulating me on the way out of the arena as they gear up for the next ride.
Garrison meets me at the gate with a push. “That’s how you do it, cowboy!” he says as we make our way to the locker room.
“Hey,” I whisper into the phone.
“Great ride, cowboy,” Tess says, and I feel her words meet my heart.
“How are you?” I ask. My towel wrapped around my middle, I sit down on the bed.
“Good. Just finished dinner, and now, I’m sitting by the fire with a glass of wine.”
“Wish I could be there.”
“Me too.”
“Is it raining?”
“Yep.”
“The wind howling?”<
br />
“Surprised you can’t hear it.”
I smile into the phone. “I miss you, Tess.”
“I miss you too.” But I hear it in her tone—the worry. “That … that was a fantastic ride, Casey.”
“Yeah?” I don’t care about the ride right now. All I care about is Tess and hearing her voice after all the chaos of the previous two hours.
“Yeah.”
We’re quiet for another minute.
“It’s late there.”
“There was a lot of fluff shit I had to do afterward. Publicity and whatever. Make the sponsors happy.”
“You didn’t go out and celebrate?” she asks.
“No, I just want to get home to you.” I stand and remove my towel and walk to my overnight bag. Pull out underwear.
“What are you doing right now?”
“At the moment, I’m standing in the middle of my room, naked as a jaybird.”
“Mr. Atwood, I’m certain almost half of America would love to see that sight after your ride tonight.” Her tone now is flirty, not as guarded or worried.
“Well, there’s only one woman I need.” I barely hear it, but I hear her breath hitch, like it’s caught. “Tess, you all right?”
No answer.
“Tess?”
“I’m here.” I hear her smile in the way she whispers. “Hey, Case?”
“Yeah?”
“Promise me you’ll be safe? I know … I know that’s hard to do, but I’d really like you to come back to Ketchikan in one piece, okay?”
I smile. “I always do, Tess.”
“Oh,” she says.
“What?”
“Anna is calling on the other line.”
“Talk to her. It might be important.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Okay. Good night, Casey.”
“Good night, Tess. Hey.”
“Yes?”
I think for a minute. I don’t to want to rush this with Tess. I want to start out right. Whatever is happening between us, it’s different, and I don’t want to change a fucking thing.
“Never mind.” So, instead, I silently whisper, I love you.
26
The Ladybugs
It was the drinking bender Patty went on after she and her husband, Ron, returned from their getaway that took away Mabe’s fear about the whole Chief incident.
It was Ron who called Mabe, and it was Mabe and Betty who drove to Patty’s house in Fortuna.
Two old ladies with some sobriety behind them made for hell on wheels.
“How did you know to call me, Ron?” Mabe asks when they’re met at the front door of the Patty’s residence.
Ron shrugs, and Mabe sees his heart is broken just by his eyes.
“I noticed Patty would make calls in the closets or downstairs, go to ladies’ luncheons when she thought I was busy doing something else. I thought she was having an affair until, one day, when she left her phone on the counter after she returned from the pantry closet. I went through the phone and looked at the last call made. I saw the name Mabe AA. And then I found The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous in her nightstand.” He pauses to collect his thoughts. “I … I always knew she drank differently. I just didn’t want to believe it was this bad.”
“Where’s Patty now?” Betty asks.
“Bedroom. Upstairs on the left.”
Betty makes her way upstairs.
“Did you know all along?” Mabe asks.
“That she has a drinking problem or that she was going to AA?”
“Both.”
“Not until she admitted it, no. But these past few days, I can’t get her to stop. That’s why I called you. Why can’t she stop, Mabe?”
“An allergy of the mind,” comes out of Mabe’s mouth. “She can’t stop because her mind is telling her that just one more drink will take her to places she needs to go.”
Ron nods. His eyes fill with worry. “Will she be all right? I mean, if she stops, she’ll be okay, right?”
“I don’t know, Ron.” Mabe pats Ron’s hand and follows Betty upstairs to the bedroom on the left.
Patty is lying on her bed in her Sunday church clothes. It’s a Tuesday, so Mabe isn’t quite sure why she’s still dressed in her church clothes. Betty is at her side.
When Patty catches Mabe’s eyes, her face turns sour, and she begins to cry. “I’m sorry, Mabe.”
Her apology makes Mabe’s heart ache. She’s been here several times, and Erla is the only one who gave her the truth, even when she didn’t want to hear of it.
“You owe no apology to me, Patty,” Mabe says.
“You want to get sober and stay sober?” Betty asks. “Put the plug in the jug?”
Patty picks up her head. “I’m sorry? Plug in the jug?”
Mabe knows Patty is very black and white and will not understand.
“Get sober and stay sober, Patty. Would you like that?” Mabe sits down next to Patty.
“Yes.”
“All right then,” Betty says. “You’ll go to Mabe’s house for a few days to dry out, and I’d better see you both at a meeting in Fortuna tonight at the Adventist church.” And with that, Betty stands, gives Mabe a nod, and lets herself out.
“I-I’m not sure what happened, Mabe, but my drinking got more awful. I couldn’t hide it from my family anymore.”
“When’s the last time you changed your clothes?” Mabe can smell the fermented alcohol oozing from her pores.
Patty looks down at what she’s wearing and looks back at Mabe sorrowfully. “I don’t remember.”
“Come on. Let’s get you in the shower. Then, we’ll talk about next steps.”
Mabe helps Patty undress and step into the shower.
There are two sets of eyes behind her, watching their mother step into the shower.
And then Mabe’s heart hurts all over again when the taller one asks, “Are you going to make our mom better?”
Mabe’s chances of being a grandmother disappeared when Francine died. Mabe had big plans for her grandchildren. She was going to teach them how to play poker, how to use cuss words appropriately, love them, but she never got that chance.
Mabe takes the children back into their parents’ room, out of the bathroom so that Patty can shower by herself.
When Mabe looks at these children, it’s as though she were looking into the eyes of God, the innocent ones affected by a seemingly hopeless disease.
The smaller of the two says, “Are you a grandma?”
Mabe laughs. “No, but I suppose if you need an extra one, I could be that person.”
“Why is our mom acting like this?” the older one asks.
The younger one says, “I just want her better.”
Mabe wonders how on earth she’ll be able to explain alcoholism to two young children, but she tries.
27
Tess
“Just so you know,” Anna says, “Colt and I didn’t know that Casey received a letter, too, until the day before he left.”
“It’s okay, Anna.”
“It is?”
“Yeah.”
“So, have you guys … come to an agreement?”
“Yeah.”
“Have you had sex?”
“Yeah.”
The line grows extremely silent.
“Anna?”
“I’m here.”
“Are you all right?”
“Are you?”
I laugh.
So does she. “Is this a good thing?”
I think about Casey and our past and everything in between. “It won’t happen again.”
“Why not?”
“So many reasons and too long for a phone conversation. More of an in-person conversation. Anyway, how are you guys?”
“Do your parents know?”
“That we had sex? God, no.”
“No.” She laughs. “That Casey’s in Ketchikan.”
“I have no idea
. My mom hasn’t said anything.”
“Do you think she’ll blow a lid?”
I shrug. “Anna, she’d blow a lid if I were wearing white pants past Labor Day.”
“Ah, good point.”
I can feel her next question coming on.
“Was it good?” she whispers.
“Amazing. Quite honestly, now, I know why sex with the other guy was just okay.”
Anna giggles. “I have news.”
“What?” I put my wineglass to my lips and take a sip.
“I’m pregnant.”
I jump up off the couch. “No way! You are? Anna!”
“I’m only a minute pregnant, so we’re going to wait until after the twelve weeks to tell anyone.”
“Anna! I’m so happy for you guys! How did it happen?”
“Uh, well …”
I roll my eyes. “I mean, were you guys trying?”
“Yes. I was just nervous it would take some time.”
“Clearly, it didn’t.”
I walk to the window and stare out at the old red truck that Emmitt brought over earlier today. Said it would get me where I needed to go. I tried to give him money, though I couldn’t afford much, but we do need a car as winter approaches. Old feelings start to resurface, but I swallow each of them, allowing them to fester in my gut.
“How did you tell Colt?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, isn’t there some sort of fun way to tell your husband you’re pregnant? I think I’ve seen it on Pinterest or something.” I let the curtains fall back into place, which reminds me, we’ll need to buy new curtains if we want to sell the house. I think it’s called staging, as Casey put it.
“Oh, no. I just handed him the pregnancy test.”
Typical Anna. There’s no fluff. No surprise. Just the facts.
“And?”
“He couldn’t believe it.”
“Well, did you tell him that’s what happens when two people have sex?” I laugh.
“He’s still in shock. But I think he’s silently hoping for a boy. Probably because he wouldn’t know what to do with a girl as long as the baby is healthy.”
Her words resonate in my bones. As long as the baby is healthy.
Deafening silence is what we heard all those years ago. Deafening silence fell on our ears when cries were begged for. Just a cry to remember. A sound to tuck into our hearts and keep when the silence of the world got to be too much.
Saving Tess Page 19
