The pastor nodded and paused. “Now I’m sure Judas wasn’t expecting this, but he didn’t say a thing to Jesus. He just let Him wash his feet. Why? Because he couldn’t say anything. What was he going to say, ‘Uh, Jesus, you probably shouldn’t wash my feet because I’m about to go sell you out for 30 pieces of silver’? No. He wouldn’t come clean like that with all the others sitting right there. Instead, he did like we all do. He kept silent, knowing he didn’t deserve this, knowing he shouldn’t accept it, and probably, honestly not accepting it in his heart. Judas models how so many of us react to Jesus trying to love us especially when we know how evil our hearts are and how much we don’t deserve God’s love.
“But then we get to Peter. Ah, Peter. You’ve gotta love the guy. Of course, Peter wasn’t going to stay silent. Oh no. Not going to happen with him. Instead, Peter pulls his feet back so Jesus can’t even get to them. ‘You’ll never wash my feet.’
“As arrogant and fool-hardy as that sounds to us now, don’t we do the same thing? One of the most difficult things in the world to do is to accept someone loving you. It is humbling. It is terrifying. It takes the control out of your hands and puts it in theirs, and who wants that?”
Putting his head down, Eric’s heart screeched to a halt. He had been stewing in how frustrated he was with her for twelve long hours, had been telling God how he would love her if she would just let him, had even asked what the point of loving her if she wouldn’t let him was. Now as if God Himself had come down from on high to talk right to him, the pastor stood there telling him the answer to his arrogant questions and snide comments about how ‘impossible’ she was making it.
“We make loving us so very difficult,” the pastor said. “We, like Peter, pull our feet back, in embarrassment, in pride, in shame. It’s awkward to acknowledge we need help. It’s vulnerable to surrender and let someone love us. It’s dangerous even. Because what if we do that? What if we accept their help and their love and they let us down? What if they are awkward about it and it turns out badly?” He leaned forward. “Here’s a little secret in case you haven’t figured this out yet… you’re right.” He straightened. “You are. You’re dead-on right. They are going to mess this up. They are going to be human. They are going to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, be the wrong thing. As humans we are not perfect. We were not made to be perfect. And yet, when it comes to being loved by someone else, we expect perfection or we think it can’t be love.
“There are two sides to this story in the Bible. The giving side modeled by Jesus and the accepting side modeled, rather badly or precisely I would say, by the disciples. And I’m not sure which one is the harder to get right.”
“Have you heard from Jayc?” Rachel asked Sage after the service when they’d made it to the lobby. Dani had glommed on to the women while Eric was talking windows and siding with the guys.
“I talked to her a little yesterday afternoon. She seemed to be doing better, still really tired though,” Sage said, the worry puckering lines in her porcelain features. “I just feel so helpless with her so far away. If she was right down the road, I’d bring her chicken soup and fluff her pillows.”
“It’s gotta be tough on her,” Rachel said, “being so far away from everybody.”
“And living in some random hotel out of a suitcase.” Sage crossed her arms and shook her head. “I know she loves it, but I’m not sure it’s worth that.” A moment and another thought crossed her face. “Oh, Luke said he went by Attabury the other day. Sounds like they are really making some progress on the place.”
Dani tipped her eyes. “Slow but sure.”
“So how’s the assignment going with you?” Eric asked as he helped Caleb remove the frame from around the window in the servant’s room. “You making any breakthroughs?”
Caleb pried the wood, but it just splintered like all the others had. “I don’t know that we’re really in breakthrough mode right now. More like trying to figure each other out mode. I really expected this part to be easy. Not that Rachel’s isn’t awesome. She is. But it’s a lot, with the kids, and the bills, and bank statements, the business, and the station. I feel like I’m constantly running about five steps behind.”
That brought out a laugh from Eric. “Yeah, well, get used to that one. I think somebody should come up with a manual for how to deal with wives. Not that any of us would read them, but if you get desperate enough…”
“I think that’s part of it for me,” Caleb said, and the side of the frame cracked loose. “I’m so bad at this relationship stuff. Before Rachel, I thought in terms of a night or a week tops. This long-range forever thing is rough. Thinking about not just what I want right now or what would be good for now but thinking about what’s best for her and me and them next month, next year, ten years from now. It makes my head swim.”
“I think I’m already so far off the rails, I’m not sure I can get back on them,” Eric said, wiping his forehead when the last of the frame came down. “It’s so hard because when we were going together, I’d do nice things for her, and she would just be all over me. In a good way. Now, I try to do something nice, and she’s like, ‘This isn’t right. Why’d you do it like that? You should’ve done it this way.’ I mean, I hear what the pastor’s saying about Jesus washing the feet and all, but wow, is that a lot harder in real life than it sounds like on those pages.”
“Here, hold this. I’m going around to get the boards off outside.”
“K.” Standing there alone after Caleb left, Eric pushed back at the thoughts of his anger toward Dani. Love wasn’t supposed to feel like this. He was almost sure of it.
At that moment, the board covering the window from the outside cracked loose and came down. The room flooded with brilliant, all-encompassing sunlight. Eric squinted into the bright light, not at all ready for its unrelenting onslaught. “Whoa. That is unreal.”
Caleb grinned. “Pretty good, huh?”
“I’ll say.” He stepped forward to help ease the window out. Once it was safely on the ground, he turned and surveyed the room. While the sunlight was wonderful, all it did with the rest of the room was show every horribly awful thing about it. What had once looked like a not-new-but-not-awful pale green paint turned out to be a sad, pukey-looking celery-like molded-mustard color. And that’s where there was actual paint. Whoever had painted the room clearly should’ve kept their day job because only about half was fully covered. There were whole strips where the white underneath could be clearly seen even through the horrible paint. “Wow.”
Worse, it was dirty to the point of disgusting. He’d never really considered the possibility of having to actually wash the walls, but that was looking more and more likely with this one.
“Uh, you want to come help me with this?” Caleb asked from outside. “I’m afraid to try to do this myself.”
With the state of the room haunting his every step, Eric headed that way. “Coming.”
“So what’d you think of the sermon this morning?” Rachel asked when they got back to work sanding the armoire.
With a bandana over her head, Dani bent to work on the little leg of the thing. “It’s about how I feel most days, being Jesus and nobody cooperating much.”
“It was funny because all while he was talking, I just kept thinking, ‘Yeah, that’s easy for you to say. Accept love. Trust somebody.’ I mean, I’m better at it now, but that used to feel like death itself to me.”
“Help?” Dani’s snide side came out. “You get help? All I get is a lot of grief. ‘Where’s my laundry? What happened to my shirt? Did you get the dry cleaning? Why not? It’s on the way home for you. No, I can’t do it, can’t you fit it into your schedule?’ Makes me plumb crazy sometimes.”
Rachel’s sanding continued without pause. “I could really relate though when he said about it making you feel vulnerable to let your guard down and accept their help. Poor Caleb. I think he was running circles trying to help me, and you think I would let him? No way.”
“Don’t matter,” Dani said, letting the aggravation flow through her. “They’re just going to let you down anyway.” Realizing what she’d said, she yanked that up. “I mean my man. Not yours. I’m sure yours is the only perfect one out there.”
The laugh was soft. “He’s hardly perfect, but I think it’s like Pastor Steve said, love can’t be about when he’s perfect or not or it’s not unconditional love. Not saying that’s easy though.”
“Impossible is more like it.”
Since Eric went from Attabury out to the farm, he picked Jaden up on the way, and they left from there. Dani didn’t seem to be in any better mood than before, and truthfully, he wasn’t either. With each window they replaced at the house, the true state of the inside of the place was revealed, and it wasn’t a pretty sight by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it was downright depressing, and riding home with the queen of nothing-is-ever-right-enough-for-me wasn’t helping anything.
“Spring break’s coming up,” she said in that voice that told Eric this conversation was going to be no fun to have. “I guess I need to call Mrs. McGuire tomorrow. Carly will be going with her parents skiing again I’m sure. They always do.”
Eric drove, making no effort to stem the undercurrent of anger in her voice. Offering solutions would only make it worse. That much he had learned the hard way.
“I really need to get in there and talk with the teacher about enrichments for the summer. The last thing we need is to slide backward for three months while she’s at daycare. You know what happened last year.”
He wasn’t sure, but he could tell it hadn’t been good. He didn’t remember it not being good, but then again, she had a way of blowing things like that way out of proportion.
She picked up her phone and swiped it on. “I’m getting worried about Mom. I haven’t heard from her since Friday. They had someone walk the house Saturday. I would’ve thought she would’ve called by now…” Ducking into the call, she listened for a moment. “Mom? Hey. It’s Dani. Is everything all right?”
Glancing down at the radio, Eric wished with his whole being he could turn it up and drown her out. That would make life so much more bearable.
Dani’s world had not slowed down by even a little bit the next morning. “Jaden, baby-girl, come on. You have to get up. We’re already getting late.” Shaking her head in frustration, Dani waited at the door until the little body started moving. “Up and at ‘em, girl. I’ll get your breakfast ready. Don’t go back to sleep.”
Hurrying down to the kitchen, her brain went through her day’s schedule minute-by-minute. She glanced at the clock in the kitchen and got started with breakfast. Eric hadn’t made it down yet. Typical, she thought with some irritation. However, she beat that back. It would do no good.
Nothing in Eric wanted to go down to that kitchen. He knew it said bad things about him and his resolve, but bravery really had nothing to do with it. The truth was, he was just tired. Tired of this. Tired of the drama. Tired of fighting the incessant undercurrent that never let him have a moment of peace.
As he stood at the mirror, tying his tie, he shook his head at his reflection. It was hopeless. If he had been tempted to believe it before, now he knew for certain. Somehow he had landed in the middle of a loveless marriage, and it wasn’t even the absence of physicality in bed that bothered him the most. It was the complete absence of any feeling from her other than annoyance and anger. Staring at a life of that ‘til death do us part threatened to take his knees right out from under him.
He considered calling one of the guys, but what was he going to say, I think I’m ready to give up on my marriage?
Failure. He had fought so hard not to turn into one, but when the facts are staring you in the face, you just end up looking stupid by ignoring them. He wasn’t blind, and it really hurt pretending he was.
“Ja, the bus is here,” Dani said as she stood at the sink slamming dishes into the washer. She swept up the dishrag and wiped her hands. “Come on. Hurry. You’re going to miss it.”
Jaden came over and let Dani slide the coat on her before accepting her backpack.
“Hurry. Hurry. They’re waiting.”
Out the door they went, and from the table, Eric called, “Have a good day at school, baby.”
The only answer was the slamming of the door. He shook his head, heaved a breath and went back to his NotePad. The weather was supposed to turn much colder by Wednesday, and his mind went through what that would mean for each project. It had been a blessedly mild winter, but that couldn’t last.
A moment more and he heard the back door. She didn’t come into the kitchen immediately. Instead, he heard the laundry. Washer. Dryer. Washer. And then both came on before she strode back in without saying a word.
He looked at his watch. One more drink to down the coffee and he stood.
“You going out to Greensboro?” she asked, never turning from her current task of throwing things into the dishwasher.
“Yeah. Probably today or tomorrow.”
She nodded but said no more. Taking his cup to the counter next to the sink, he set it there and went back to the table to get his jacket.
“Will you be home in time for supper?” she asked.
“Might be late. Depends how it goes in Greensboro.” Jacket on, he collected his things.
“K,” she said softly. “Well, have a good day.”
“Yeah. You too. See ya.”
And he left. Dani had to let the breath out very slowly or she would certainly start crying. Crying was stupid. It would fix nothing. So she finished the dishes, grabbed her things and headed to work. At least there she could feel at least a little competent.
Competence lasted until Wednesday just after 1:30.
“Dani,” Joel said, ducking into her office, “conference room. Now.”
She looked up in concern. “Why? What’s going on?”
He shook his head gravely. “It ain’t good.”
Ain’t good was putting it mildly.
“Unreal.” Anston Dawkins, the vice president of research and development, paced one way in the wall-to-wall windowed room. “How could this happen? Did we or did we not do all of the environmental groundwork?”
“We did, Sir,” Dani said, searching her mind desperately for anything she might have forgotten.
“Well, who are these environmental wackos anyway? Do we know this group? How could they just come out of the woodwork like this?” Anston skewered the team, piercing them with his livid stare. “A lawsuit? At this stage? We’re two months from jackhammering concrete! This could hold us up for months… years even!” He turned, his eyes drilling down into pure hatred. “I will not see this project jettisoned now. Do you hear me?” He slammed his hands on the table, making them all jump. “Do you hear me?”
“Yes.”
“Yes.”
“Yes, Sir.”
Panic knifed into Dani. Her bonus. Her paycheck. What if she lost her job over this?
“Then get to work!” he yelled.
Fright kicked in then, and she scrambled to her feet with the others, a list of people to call to figure out what was going on jumbled through her mind. This had to be fixed. It had to be fixed now, and she was the one who had better fix it or she would surely be out on the street. And if that happened, who would even hire her? News this bad traveled at the speed of light. Who would hire a lawyer who had let a deal like this collapse in such spectacularly awful fashion?
“You calling…?” Joel asked.
“Yeah,” she replied not so much as slowing down.
“Good news,” Caleb said when Eric answered the phone on Wednesday at five. Just a couple more minutes and he would’ve been on the road.
“Oh yeah?” Eric put his coat on. The cold front had arrived, and it wasn’t playing around. “What’s that?” He’d almost forgotten there could be such a thing.
“We got the last window in five minutes ago.”
“No kidding?” Eric said, not rea
lly getting much excitement into his voice.
“It’s made quite a difference. I was just making sure y’all were coming this weekend.”
Truthfully, he wanted to say no, but he knew he couldn’t. “Uh, yeah. I’m sure we are.”
“Awesome. Can’t wait for you guys to see it.”
Chapter 18
Worry pummeled into him when Eric pulled into the garage to find the SUV’s spot empty. Where would she have gone? Car off, he checked his phone. Nothing. Not even a gonna be late text. Dragging frustration with him, he got out and went in only to find the remnants of a meal still on the table with no other sign of life around.
“Ja?” Eric called.
“We’re in here,” a voice that was not Jaden’s called back.
He went in and found Carly on the couch and Jaden in the chair reading. Glancing back into the kitchen, he puzzled over that. “You’re still here?”
“Yeah.” Carly stood and started collecting her things. “Dani said she was going to be super late and could I watch Ja for a little longer.”
Putting his hands on his hips, Eric nodded but puckered his face in frustration. “Okay. Well, thank you.”
“Sure. No problem.”
When he reached for his wallet, she put up her hand. “Don’t worry about it. Dani said she’d pay me on Friday.”
“Oh.” His hand fell very slowly. “Okay.”
He watched the baby sitter leave before pulling out his phone. Where are you? He said a few words to Jaden though he couldn’t have told anyone what they were.
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