"You have to, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't, Hayden." He says sternly.
"But I honestly don't know anything about money. My parents have told me nothing."
"The head of the brotherhood, we call him Head HE, told us he talked to you as a little girl, you told him that you said your family has buried treasure or something like that."
"The only person I've ever told that to was a family friend. After that, my father told me that it was just a fairytale. It was just a story."
"Yes."
"It can't be. The person you're talking about is Robert Perry. A Sherriff. He would never do that to me, I don't believe it." I think back to earlier in the night. I saw his motorcycle leave this place as I came.
"If it's not true, then how do I know all of these things about you and your family, Hayden?"
"I don't know." It's all too much for me. I'm in shock. I'm in complete and utter denial.
"You have to get to this money before they do, Hay," He inches closer.
"Why?"
"Because once they've found it, they'll have no use for you anymore."
I have cold chills running through my body. "If what you're saying is true, and all of these secrets of this brotherhood are so top secret, then why are you telling me?"
"Because they said if I don't get the information from you, Trevor will. He is a little bit more ruthless than I am, Hay, and I truly care for you. I don't want them to hurt you. They'll stop at nothing, don't you see? Can you see the person they've turned me into? A drug dealing abuser? He told the brotherhood his plan," He breathes deeply, "He plans on locking you in a secret room, and torturing you until you 'remember.'"
I let a small hurt of a laugh come through my throat, "And just where may that be? This place only has one room, and that's it, you’re standing in it!”
He walks towards the bathroom, and I follow, with the comforter dragging on the floor behind me. He walks to the wall in between the bathtub and toilet, where a large shelf stands. He pushes the shelf beside the toilet, and behind it is a large metal door. What the fuck? I pick up a shirt off the ground and put it on as I lose the comforter. He lifts up a flap and types some numbers in it. Before I know it, I'm in a hallway that leads straight down to another metal door. Once he opens that one, I step into a room with just a single chair with straps on it. "Oh my God."
"I told you."
"How did you know this was here?"
"He showed the entire brotherhood, last night."
"How did you know the codes?" I drill him with questions.
"The codes are the same for every door for the entire brotherhood. We have meeting halls throughout the country. This isn't a small group. This is more like a corporation, led by one man." That one man who he is referring to is someone I've trusted my whole life. Something stirred inside of me.
"I have so many questions swimming around in my brain right now, and I can't think of a single one to ask you right now," I say, honestly. "I still can't believe it."
"How much more proof do you need Hayden?" He takes out his phone, "Here. Look at these text messages.
I take the phone from him and see Trevor's number in front of my eyes. I scroll down and see dozens of messages from last night. Right before I got here. He tells Ward exactly what he plans on doing to me. He plans on strapping me down. Force feeding me all sorts of atrocious things. He plans on raping me. All of these things just to get some kind of money? I force Ward to take his phone back, and slowly back away from him. I have come to the sudden realization that this man is a part of this brotherhood too. How can I trust him after everything that he's done to me? Wait a minute Hayden, he just told you the truth about everything. How can I believe it? How can it be all true? Everyone I know and love has lied to me. I suddenly realize I’m standing in a secluded room with him. A chair behind him. What if he tries to pin me down and force me into that chair?
How do I know he's not just trying to trick me into telling me? I suddenly devise a plan in my head. If there is a fortune I'm unaware of, I can run away with it. I can go into hiding and never have to see any one of these liars ever again. I'm going to be the one with the upper hand, I will just let Ward think I'm still under his control until the moment is right.
I suddenly remember something, "Wait! I have a book!"
"A book?" He asks.
"Yes, a book. I hid it in the house I used to live in."
"A book? What kind of a book?"
"I used to write in it. A journal. I've had it since I was young. My mom used to make me write in it. I wrote in it until about fourteen."
"Okay?"
"If I knew anything, it would be in that book. But how do we get to it?" I ask.
"You have to go back. You have to find that book. Did you hide it?"
"Yes. It was an old house. Nooks and crannies everywhere."
"Great. Where is it?"
I turn and look at him. I realize I'm peeling the skin off of my lips with my fingernails. I put my hand down, and step closer to him. "Why? So you can text your little brotherhood, and get to it before I do? Absolutely not!"
"Okay, then. Go get it." He steps aside.
"You're coming too. I need someone to get me there." I walk past him. I stop when I realize he isn't following. "Please?"
He followed me out of the house, and we walked out front after picking up my unopened bag. What am I doing? Why am I letting him talk me into this? Is he telling me the truth? Why am I putting my total and complete trust into someone who has broken me down so many times? If his story is true, and if everything he's telling me is the actual truth, everything that he's done wasn't completely his fault. But is he just telling me this as a mechanism to try and win me back? But he had all of the evidence right in front of my face. All of these uncertain questions are driving me insane.
I hop in the truck, and he switches the gears until we're on the newly paved road. The workers are about a mile and a half down the dirt road now, so I don't think Trevor will see me. If I see him, I'll just duck. If what Ward was saying was true, just seeing me with Ward will tell him that Ward has betrayed the trust of these people, and they'll surely come after him, and me as well. Before I can finish my thoughts, Ward says, "Whatever you do, don't tell Janie. Or anyone. We need at least a day ahead of everyone."
"How do I know I'm safe?"
"When we get to where we're going, call them. Call whoever, and let them know you're okay."
"Do you promise you aren't trying to trick me somehow?" I don't know why I ask him this because deep down I know even if he is, he won't tell me the truth.
He just shakes his head no, with a dead look in his eyes.
I open the door to the house, and I hear voices in the kitchen. Ward and I trot up the stairs, and I change really fast. I meet Ward in the hallway. "I don't even know what to bring."
"We're not leaving yet. We have to leave at night when everyone is sleeping. Put together an overnight bag, and hide it."
"Okay." With that, I do what he says to do. I find my polka dot overnight bag, which still has my bathing suits in it. I pack in whatever I can into the bag. Making sure no one is around, I tiptoe down the stairs and hide the bag in the coat closet by the front door. I assume no one has used this closet in a while because there are dust and cobwebs. Something resonates with me. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm doing it. If there's a way out of this shitty situation, I'm going to take it. I'm going to get myself out of it. I feel like evil and hatred has taken over my soul, and I will do anything to get what I want now. I realize I can no longer depend on other people to get myself where I want to be.
With all of these thoughts coursing around in my mind, I don't realize that I'm standing in Ms. Gar's empty room. A jar full of mostly bills is in my hand. I move aside the thoughts of wrong doing, with comforting thoughts of future justice. I will take Chase's wheelchair money, and when I find my fortune, I will buy him ten wheelchairs. I run back to the front of the house, and put t
he jar in my bag. When I shut the door to the closet, I hear the front door wiggle, and jolt open.
I open the door, breathlessly. "Hayden!" I startle Ms. Gar, "Why are you out of breath?"
"I ran down the stairs," I lie, "I saw y’all pull up from the window," I take another breath, "from the room."
"Okay," She says with her eyebrows lowered. She doesn't believe me, yet she doesn't ask questions. She must be too tired.
She puts the luggage she's carried up in the foyer. She has a few more bags than when she left. She goes back out to the van, and I follow her to help. My guilty conscience almost eats me alive when she pulls Chase out of his car seat. Hannah gets out of the other side, and through the moonlight I see her carrying something. Not in her hand, or back. But she's holding a blue eyed, curly blonde hair little girl on her hip.
"Who's this?" I ask as she gets closer.
"This is Jenny. Jennifer Jaso. My daughter."
"What?" I ask, as stunned as I feel.
"We'll explain when we're inside. Hayden, could you carry this please?" Ms. Gar asks. I take the bag from her, and she follows be back inside. I set the bag down with the others on the floor, and turn around. When Gar walks through the door, she yells up the stairs for Janie. Janie comes in from the laundry room, a little confused.
"Hey, guys didn't expect you for a few days." She pulls her shorts down a little.
"I have a strange habit of coming home early," Gar snickers.
"Who's this?" Janie asks when Hannah comes in the door with Jennifer on her hip. I close the door and stand in the circle while Hannah explains.
"This is my daughter. Jennifer Jaso," The little thing clings to a girl that she doesn't know, "I got her back." She has tears in her eyes, as she hugs the girls. We don't ask how or why, but we all gather around her and hugged her. "Where's Jess?" Hannah asked.
"She's at work until about eleven," Janie says. When Hannah and Gar and Hannah walk into the kitchen area, Janie pulls me aside. "What are you doing here?"
"It's a long story. I can't explain, but I'm not afraid anymore."
"Please don't tell me you took him back," Janie crosses her arms.
"No," I smile, "I haven't."
"Good. You better explain later," She smiled, lightly smacked my arm. She turned and walked away, revealing Ward on the second stair landing. He's just standing there, with his arms crossed. This single unnerving action sends creepy chills throughout my spine. I pretend I didn't see him, and walk in the kitchen where everyone else is.
Janie is on the other side of the island, I sit adjacent from her. Hannah has Jenny on the counter and is taking her shoes off. I'm in another world when Ms. Gar speaks to us, but mostly Hannah, "She is your responsibility," I have to find that money, if there is even any, before anyone else does. "I had to tell a little lie, my sister's husband is doing just fine. The phone call I got was from California. The older couple that fostered Jenny passed and Hannah asked me to track her down. When we finally found her," I can't focus. A new life was taking shape in my mind. What am I going to do when I find it? Is Ward going to double cross me? "Hayden?" I avert my blankly staring eyes from the counter to Ms. Gar, "Now that I've finished this task, I can help you now, if you want." She's talking about finding out who my birth parents are, and why my birth certificate was changed. I already know the answer to this, but I'm not telling her that. If it's even true.
"That would be great, thank you Ms. Gar," I say with a fake smile. I decide that this journey isn't just about the money, it's about finding out who I am, and who my parents are. I need to know if Ward is being true, or if he's lying. I need to do this without getting hurt. I have to harden myself again.
Ms. Gar wants us to move to the second floor, and each of us can have our own rooms. She wants to be able to check on us more often; seeing as she can barely make it up the stairs. Hannah decides to move down to the bottom floor, so she can take care of her daughter better.
I have a sudden change of heart. I don't want to leave. Not yet, anyways. There must be a better way. A way that doesn’t involve running away, and possibly getting killed. We settle down in our rooms for the last night, and these thoughts take me away. I want to help the girls move. I want to help Janie decorate her new room like we talked about. She wants to help with mine. Janie and I talked about helping Hannah take care of Jenny when she's at school. I want to do that. I don't want to leave. These girls are my family. I can't let them down. How can I be so selfish? Maybe I'll just tell Ward where the journal is, and they can have this money, that may or may not even exist. The uncertainty of this journey is what is discouraging. I don't know if Ward is telling the truth. That's what hurts the most. I also think about the fact that he could just be telling me this to get it himself. Even though he showed me the evidence, there could be a chance that they are just working together in this, and planning this.
These thoughts anger me, but I don't let that show in my text messages.
ME: Ward, I cant go.
Ward: Why? are you scared?
ME: i don't think its the right thing to do.
Ward: it is if you want to live. and you can have your money to. dont you get it hay?
ME: i get it. i dont want it. i cant leave here when they need me the most. i dont want to abandon the only family i have left. ill tell you where the journal is.
Ward: just sleep on it please.
I say nothing to this. I close the door to the bedroom and get cozy in bed again. I ignore the texts from Trevor, asking me where I was and if I was okay. The thought occurred to me that if Ward is telling the truth about who Trevor is, he could possibly retaliate against me and Ward. I don't want that either. I just decide to text him back, and tell him that I'm okay and I've decided to come back because Ms. Gar is home. He says he feels safer with her here. I’m a Liar.
The next morning is a beautiful, chilly November morning. Sundays are always like the start of something new, something fresh. The windows are open, the music is blaring, and we start hauling things down to the second floor. Ward stays in his room the entire day, with no intentions of moving anything. I don't care. I know he's angry, and he's waiting for a response from me. The fact that my bag is still downstairs, with Chase's jar in it has me on the tip of guilt all day. What has gotten into me? Why would I do that? I can't let anyone know of my momentary weakness and decide to sneak it back when everyone is sleeping tonight.
Mid-afternoon came and went, as we all make dinner together. Jessica brings down the radio, and we all dance as we sing. Even little Jenny dances around the kitchen. Ms. Gar sits at the counter, watching and laughing. She leaves the room to give Chase a bath.
After dinner, Janie and I clean up. Hannah takes Jenny in the back room and leaves us to clean the dishes. When we are finished with the dishes, Janie goes outside and has a smoke, while I sit on the chair in the sitting room. I hear crying coming from the back room, and I decide to investigate.
I slowly open the door, and find Hannah by Jenny's bed, stroking her face. "Isn't she beautiful?" She asks.
"Very," I say. I lean on the door frame. The room is pretty large. They've cleared out all of the toddler beds. Hannah's bed and Janie's crib remains.
"What do I tell her, Hay?" She doesn't even look up.
"About what?" I asked, growing concerned.
"About who she is, and where she came from. Why I gave her up. Who her father is. How can I tell my precious baby she's a rape child?" She wipes her face on her white sleeve cap.
"Oh, sweetie," I say and come behind her. She gets up. I hug her when she does, and she doesn't waste any time hugging back.
"I've wanted this so bad. I wanted nothing more than to have my baby back. It's not her fault, none of this is her fault. But what happens if she thinks it is? What if she blames herself? This is so hard. Taking care of her, bathing her, loving her, and everything else is easy, compared to the thought of me having to tell her where she came from, and what we've been through."
&nbs
p; "Shh," I say as I pull her off, arm’s length, "I may have never been close to what you've been through. But I think, when the time comes, you should sit her down. Tell her what you've been through to get her where she is, and be loving. Be honest. Be upfront. You'll know how to handle it, I believe in you."
She forcefully wraps her arms around me and sobs into my neck. I hear her nose crackle as she breathes in.
CHAPTER TWENTY
The warm, soothing water washes my worries away. At least, it does for now. I can't think of a better time to complete the pending thoughts in my head. The second-floor shower room is smaller, and it seems more secure than the other one. I can think in here, without interruptions. My new room is incomplete. I had to finish a ton of schoolwork that I have missed. We are going on Thanksgiving break, and I need to finish all of my essays before the new term.
I think about Ward. I think about how he is doing through all of this. I don't know why I do. I can't help myself being concerned. I should actually be worried about myself, but I find that I am not. I don't know if Trevor is angry with me, or just tired. He hasn't called or texted me in a while. After what Ward showed me behind his bathroom, I think I want to keep my distance for now. It is disturbing to find a single chair with straps on it, in a hidden room, behind a few hidden doors. Why am I denying the enviable? The evidence was staring me in the face, and I still can't bring myself to believe it. What is wrong with me?
One part of my mind spins with the thoughts of leaving here, finding my fortune, and creating a completely different life for myself; and the ones I love. That comes with the price of some mystic brotherhood coming for me for the rest of my life. If there is even a fortune.
The other part contains staying here and living my life. I think about telling Ward where this journal is if there is even anything in there. If there is, the brotherhood can have this fortune and maybe leave me alone. If the journal doesn't contain the location to this mystery, then they'll still come after me. If there turns out to be no money, they'll be angry with my family for losing it, and take it out on me.
Hot & Cold: Toxic Love Page 17
