And Bertha, of course. That’s my rifle, but don’t tell anyone I named her. I’d get so much shit for that. She’s my girl and so far hasn’t let me down. Kissing the crucifix hanging from my neck—the one my grandparents gave me after completing catechism when I was fifteen—I sent up a silent prayer for that to never change, because that would mean my time on Earth was done. I wasn’t ready for that shit, no matter how many bad things I’d done.
“I’m hanging in there, man. How about you? You up and walking yet?” He had taken a bullet right to the femoral artery, and I thought we were going to lose him, but that fucker had some crazy-ass luck.
“Yeah, but it hurts like a bitch. Trying not to take a lot of those goddamn pain pills, but fucking A, it’s tempting. My mom’s been trying to coddle me the whole time I’ve been here, and I finally had to tell her to stop because I couldn’t stand it. Now she keeps ragging on me about why I had to join and put my life on the line, blah, blah, blah. Don’t wanna talk about all that fucking crap, you know?” He ended with a groan. “Fuck, it’s even hard to sit down after I’ve been up.”
“Quit whining, you pussy. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and all that shit.” I couldn’t hold back my laugh as I messed with him.
“Okay, laugh it up, you fucker. What the hell are you doing right now?”
Biting my lip to keep from laughing again, I finally couldn’t hold it and laughed anyway.
“Uh, just finished at the gym, actually.”
“Jesus. You’re a crazy motherfucker, you know that? I’m sure you haven’t been cleared to do that, just as I’m sure your workout wasn’t light. So I’m not even gonna ask what all you were doing.”
In my mind, I could see him shaking his head at me, like he often did. “Mmm, yeah, that’s probably for the best.” My chuckle faded off as the throbbing in my leg reminded me how right he was.
“You should come up here before you head back to base. I could show you around and you could meet my family. Then we could head back together.” Murmured voices and rustling in the background told me he was probably getting “coddled” by his mom again. “My mom says she really wants to meet you. Since you’re the hero who saved my life and all.”
Fuck, I hated being reminded that he almost died on me, and I seriously fucking hated being called a hero for doing my job.
“Mmm, I’ll think about it. My abuela is planning a small family barbecue for me, but after that I might be able to get away a few days early. It was supposed to be big, but the timing is shit.” Memories of times gone by with Tyler had my words trailing off, and silence overcame me. He would never be present to welcome me home again. The reality hit me like a sledgehammer to the chest.
“You there?” Erik’s voice broke through my reverie.
Fuck. “Sorry, yeah. How much time do you have left?” Even though our con leave started around the same time, we never discussed exactly how long the other had since I went home before he was released from the hospital. Not because I wanted to, but because he made me promise to go home to my family as soon as I could, even though I wanted to stay with him.
“I still have a few weeks, but I’m going back to base to finish my time. Then I’m out.” His words stole my breath. We had been together in Force Recon since we were both PFCs. “I can’t do this anymore, man. I’m tired. Tired of killing, tired of kicking in doors, tired of putting my life on the line for people who don’t give a fucking rat’s ass about whether we live or die trying to keep them safe. I’ve tried to run from all the fucked-up shit in my life, and it worked for a little while, but I’m worn out.”
“Goddamn it, Jaeger. I get what you’re saying, but we’re a team. You’re the only person in this whole fucking world I truly trust 100 percent. What the fuck? I thought you said you were in it for the long haul? That was our plan, right?” Maybe in the back of my mind I understood what he was trying to say, but it felt like he was abandoning me.
“Fuck, man, you think I don’t feel like shit? I’m not bailing on you. We have a good team. No one is going to leave you fucking hanging, and I’m not trying to, but my head just isn’t in it anymore, and that’ll get not just me but everyone around me killed. I can’t live with myself knowing that. That’s not something I would want to do to you. Being the reason you, or one of the other guys, were killed? No way. It makes me feel bad enough that you got shot because you were saving my ass. You should’ve….” He didn’t finish his sentence, and I knew it was because he didn’t want to hear my response to the garbage he was about to spew. In resignation, I hung my head. His rationale made sense, and I knew it, but it didn’t make it any easier.
“Don’t. You know I just did my fucking job. We don’t leave our brothers to die, and you would have done the same for me. Jesus, man.”
His harshly exhaled breath told me he knew arguments would be futile.
“I’ll pay for your plane flight if you’ll come up here. I’m not trying to take you away from your family though, so if you really don’t want to, that’s cool. Just think about it, man.” His voice sounded strained, and I knew he was having a hard time. But hell, so was I. Maybe I needed to get away from here and all the memories it held anyway.
“You don’t need to do that, and yeah, I’ll think about it. I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know.”
“Sounds good. Take care. Later, bro.” As he was disconnecting, I heard him telling his mom he was pretty sure I was coming. There was no holding back the wry smile that crept across my face. Damn, I missed having him to talk to.
Lighting up a cigarette as I walked to my Jeep, the first drag filled my lungs. Breathing deeply, I felt the familiar burn dumping a small euphoric rush to my system as the nicotine hit me. You would think as much of a gym junkie as I was, I would kick this habit, but it was my only crutch since joining and being unable to smoke other things. Once I felt myself relax, I paused outside my Jeep to rapidly finish the last few drags. I didn’t smoke inside my badass baby. Field dressing the stub, I shoved it in my pocket, then exhaled the last of the caustic smoke in a wispy trail skyward.
Telling Erik I was taking a day to decide was a formality to let my family know, because I already knew I would be going up there. This place held too many memories for me.
“How to Save a Life”—The Fray
EVERYONE HAD LEFT, AND it was just me, my dad, Christian, and Marla, Tyler’s mom. We were silently cleaning up the little bit of mess that had been scattered around after the last of the mourners had left. Accepting everyone’s condolences was the last thing I had wanted to do. Why did everyone think it was necessary to converge in one place after someone died? Why couldn’t they see that sometimes people just need to be left alone?
Plunging my hands in the soapy water to fish around for the last of the silverware, I let my mind wander to happier times with Tyler. For some reason, many of them involved Kayde as well. Absently, I washed, rinsed, and set the silverware to the side where Marla picked them up, drying them and placing them in the drawer. We worked silently until I pulled the plug and the sudsy water drained, leaving a big puff of foamy bubbles quietly popping.
My shoulders sagged, and I felt tears building all the way down in my throat. Marla reached over and rubbed my back. “Honey, are you sure you want to be alone tonight? I can stay if you need me to. My sister will understand.” Tyler’s aunt had flown in from Canada for the funeral and was staying with Marla.
“Yeah, I’m sure. I need to be alone. Today… it was too much. I need to try to shut my brain off for a while, you know?” My watery eyes rose and met with the face that was such a reminder of Tyler. They had looked so much alike. It hurt. Thunder rumbled outside, and I jumped when a loud crack of lightning split the sky.
“If you’re sure, then I’ll see if your father needs any help cleaning up in the living room.” She wrapped me in a brief hug before stepping back and giving me a sad, watery smile. My heart ached and broke at the reminder that she had lost her only child.
&n
bsp; A throat cleared behind me, and I turned to look into the eyes of my dad. “Hey, niña, do you need me or Christian to help you with anything else? We got the living room situated and took out the trash. We can stay if you need us to.”
Shit, why did everyone think them staying would make anything better or different? Sighing, I knew it wasn’t their fault. I was angry at myself for even thinking that way.
“No, Papi. You’ve already done so much. Thank you.” He had been in his dress clothes all day, and I could tell he was uncomfortable. My dad was a blue-collar guy who worked construction his whole life. The only time he dressed up was Sunday for church, and days like today.
Walking toward me, he held his arms out. Like I had when I was a little girl, I rushed into them, burying my head in his strong chest. Beefy arms wrapped me up, and for a moment everything was right with the world. Of course, unlike when I was a child, that didn’t last long before the reality of life crept in. Gently extricating myself from his embrace, I stepped back and offered a sad smile. “I love you, Papi. Thank you again. I’ll come by in a few days. I just need some time.”
His chocolate-brown eyes filled with worry, but he pressed his lips flat and gave a curt nod. After kissing my cheek, he moved toward the door where he spoke quietly with Marla, her hand resting lightly on his sleeve. My dad had never dated anyone after my mother left us. We all thought that he and Tyler’s mom had a thing for each other, but when Tyler and I started dating, they seemed to avoid each other. Only lately had they been seen chatting occasionally.
“Love you, sis.” My brother’s deep voice invaded my silent contemplation. He hugged me as well, his big self swallowing me. He and my dad made me feel tiny. Yeah, I was only five foot four, but they were big guys for our heritage. My dad came from Mexico when he was a little boy and had worked with his dad and brothers in the fields as they did migrant farm work. When my brother was born, he swore his son would get an education and have a good job, not do menial work from the time he could walk. He wanted better for his children, but whether he believed it or not, we were so proud of him. His whole life had been sacrificed for us after my mom ran off, and he never complained once.
Christian had made him beam with pride the day he graduated college. Then the day he completed the police academy and joined the police force… well, you would have thought my brother hung the moon. Honestly, he cried the day I graduated with my degree in nursing, a twenty-four-carat smile covering his face. Through all the cheering, I still heard my dad, Christian, and Tyler yelling for me as I walked across the stage.
Speaking of, I made a mental note to call my supervisor. We hadn’t ironed out how long I was going to be gone. We had a mandatory two-week grieving policy because they felt you couldn’t be a safe nurse if you were still in the active grief process. In all truthfulness, I needed to be back. Maybe staying busy and not having time to think about my own shit would be better. Then again, I was worried I wouldn’t be a safe nurse because I may be distracted. It was just so much to process.
Tomorrow. I would think about it more tomorrow.
“I love you too, Christian. Thank you.” My voice cracked, and the tears threatened to fall again. His thick thumbs swiped under my eyes.
“Shhhh. It’s okay, sis. Get some rest after we leave. You look exhausted, and it can’t be good for the baby.” My brother was the only one who knew about the baby, other than Tyler. Not even Marla or my dad knew. It was so early we had decided to wait to tell people in case “something” happened. Never in a million years had I thought that “something” we had worried about would happen to him. Now I prayed daily that everything went well with my pregnancy. He or she was all any of us would have left of Tyler.
“I know. I’ll try. I promise.”
He shook his head before kissing the top of mine. Without another word, I followed him to the door and out to the screen porch, where he placed his hand on our dad’s shoulder and they waved one last time before they all stepped outside into the pouring rain.
My eyes followed them as they rushed to their vehicles, watching until their red taillights disappeared into the night. In resignation, I closed and locked the porch storm door, then the entry. Shuffling to the couch, I dropped down in the center, pulled the afghan from the back, and curled up in a ball.
There was no telling how long I lay there, staring vacantly at the powerless television before a knock at the door registered in my brain. Blinking rapidly to clear my vision, it dawned on me that I had been crying. With a frown, I sat up and looked at the clock. It was late, but not obscenely late.
Flipping on the porch light, I opened the entry door. Through the rain running down the glass of the storm door, I saw a tall man standing stoically in the downpour. Without thought to my safety or who this man could be, I rushed to unlock the storm door so he could step in out of the rain. Raindrops made his lashes spiky and dripped from his body onto the carpet.
When I looked up into familiar stormy-gray eyes, my chest felt like it caved in upon itself. My breath stuck in my throat, and my knees buckled before I caught myself and straightened.
“Kayde.” His name was a whispered prayer from my frozen lips. Heart racing, I threw myself into his soaking wet body, uncaring that he was drenching me to the skin. A stuttered breath shook his chest under my cheek before his hands caressed my hair and back. Sobs overtook me, and a flood of tears, rivaling the downpour happening outside, cascaded down my cheeks.
“Ah, mi alma. Shhh. I’m here, niña.” The softly spoken, soothing words ran over me, and I held him tightly, afraid he was a figment of my weary imagination. Maybe I had wished him here. If I had fallen asleep on the couch and had dreamed him, I didn’t want to wake up. But the strength of his body was so real against me, the warmth of his firm muscles soaking through the wetness of his clothing. “Now you’ve damn near gotten yourself as wet as I am. Come on, let’s get you inside and into some dry clothes.”
With gentle force, he peeled me off him and guided me into the house, closing the door to the wet cold. When I realized he didn’t know where to take me to get changed, I told him I’d be right back and rushed toward the back of the house, where the bedroom I had shared with Tyler was. It wasn’t until I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my wet black dress that I realized I still hadn’t changed from the funeral.
Before he could disappear, I hurried to strip from the wet dress, stockings, and underwear and pulled on a worn pair of UTSA sweats, from when I went to UT Health San Antonio, and a soft old tee. Foregoing socks, I rushed to the closet and forced myself to grab a pair of Tyler’s running pants and a T-shirt for Kayde to change into. It was difficult, ignoring the pang in my heart as I grabbed some of Tyler’s clothes from where they still hung, as if he would be home to change into them any minute. Stopping briefly at the linen closet, I swooped a fluffy towel out and ran back to where I had left him.
Breathless, I stopped abruptly in the archway opening to the living room, where Kayde still stood on the mat looking uncomfortable. Water continued to drip from his hair, fingertips, and clothing. Feeling bad, I belatedly realized I should have let him change first.
Chewing on my lip, I cautiously walked toward him. “Umm, I thought you might want to put something dry on. I can put your clothes in the dryer until you need to go.” In my mind, I prayed he wouldn’t leave too soon. God, I had missed him so damn much. Still afraid he may be all in my imagination, I blinked rapidly. When he remained in front of me and offered a sad smile, I realized he was really there.
He glanced at the clothes held tightly in my fingers, and a flash of pain and sadness flickered in his eyes before he seemed to force it down. “Umm, yeah, that would be great.” His throat swallowed hard as I shoved the clothes in his hands.
“The bathroom is back there, under the stairs. Or you can go to my room….” My voice trailed off awkwardly.
“The bathroom is fine. Thanks, Sera.”
Kneeling, he removed his boots and cuffed his
jeans so they wouldn’t leave a wet trail on the hardwood floor. After he walked into the bathroom and softly closed the door, I sat on the edge of the couch. Nervously rolling the edge of my T-shirt in my fingers, I waited impatiently for him to return.
Padding into the living room, he held his clothes wrapped in the towel. Jumping up, I took the bundle from him and went to the kitchen where my washer and dryer were behind bifold doors. After starting the dryer, I spun to rush back to the living room and, with a yelp, smacked into a hard wall of muscle. I hadn’t even heard him come up behind me.
“Jesus, you scared me!”
With a firm grip, he held my arms. The heat of his palms seemed to scald the skin of my biceps where they grasped me. My breath hitched.
“I’m sorry, baby girl. I didn’t mean to.” Silence engulfed us before he pulled me to his chest and cradled my head in his massive hand. For what seemed like forever, we stood there with only the sound of our breathing and the ticking of the old clock on the wall surrounding us. Each of us needing the strength of the other to ground ourselves.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this alone. I….” His words trailed off, and he squeezed me tightly before letting go and grabbing my hand. “You wanna go sit down? We could talk or watch TV or just chill. Whatever you want. Or if you would rather I wasn’t here, I can go. I’ll understand. I just thought maybe—”
“No! Don’t go! Please… God, Kayde, I’ve missed you.” My mind was still reeling with the fact that he was here. Beating like a thousand butterflies in my chest, my heart felt like it was on the verge of bursting.
This crazy boy had made me so happy at a time when I thought my life was in a violent downward spiral. Just him showing up on my doorstep helped pull my soul out of the black abyss it had plummeted into after Tyler was killed. Seeing him in front of me brought such joy to me, but also made it sink in how badly I had missed him being around. Even with all the happiness I felt with Tyler in the beginning, looking back, I realized there had been a void in my existence. That void was created by the loss of Kayde in my day-to-day life. He had been such an anchor to me from the first day I met him and my young self “claimed” him as my best friend. Little did I realize how much I would rely on him and need him.
Kayde's Temptation: A Demented Sons MC Novel Page 3
