by Rana Raynes
If I had any doubts they vanish the moment I see his face light up.
We're reluctant to let go of each other, even for a second. We pause several times during dressing to exchange kisses, unable to resist the temptation of bare skin and sweet lips, and we're holding hands when we return to the bar to say good-bye to Amber and Leon. They're both grinning at us like the proud parents of kids who just learned to walk, but we're too happy to be annoyed.
The night is cold when we push open the door and step outside, colder than any other night so far. Autumn isn't just a whiff now, it's the dominant impression. A hint of smoke is in the air, the smell of log fire.
Jay's hand is warm and dry and wonderful in mine, I feel safe, not just protected from the hostile world (I know he would do anything to keep me safe) but also safe with him, loved. I'm convinced I can open myself up to him and he won't exploit that weakness. I don't have to be afraid he would abuse my trust. He isn't Mike, he is nothing like Mike.
He holds me tight when I'm cold, he can't keep his hands off me, he kisses me whenever he can, whispers endearments into my ear. The way home is magical.
We make love again that night, in the floral bedding of my bobbysoxer bed, under the white painted boarding of the mansard roof, like teenagers, gentle and cautious. Our touches are more personal now, every one designed to create a new, stronger bond between us. It's not just lust and passion but something deeper and truer and more permanent.
Love, I think as we're falling asleep, curled into each other. Perhaps.
When we wake up hours later to the soft autumn light spreading in the room, Jay still has his arm around me.
“Don't move,” he whispers drowsily when I try to wiggle out of his hold without waking him. “I want us to stay like this forever.”
Despite his words he doesn't try to hold on to me, which I do appreciate. “I'm back asap,” I whisper back and kiss him on the top of the head before I sneak out of the room.
I feel so incredibly optimistic. There's nothing left of the doom and gloom that was hanging over my head like a dark cloud over the last days, but even the undercurrent of unhappiness dragging me down after the break-up with Mike is gone. The thing with Jay isn't just about great sex, it's also about commitment.
I'm floating on cloud nine when I enter the kitchen to get some coffee and Mabel, who sits at the kitchen table reading the paper, looks up, her gaze curious over the rim of her reading glasses.
“So everything worked out after all?” she asks.
“I'll explain later,” I beam at her while pouring coffee into two mugs. “But yes, looks like it.”
She shakes her head in what appears to be a mix of confusion and amusement and I guess it's an understandable reaction for a witness of my recent emotional rollercoaster ride. It doesn't dampen my mood in the slightest though. There's nothing in the world right now that could shake my confidence in my relationship with Jay.
This trust is promptly affirmed when I enter the room and Jay slowly wakes from the slumber he's fallen back into. For one there's the look he gives me when I hand him the coffee mug, and then there's the topic he brings up once we both settled back in bed again.
“I didn't ask before because I didn't want to pry into your affairs but I feel it would be helpful to know what exactly went wrong with you and Mike. Just not to make the same mistakes, you know.”
He smiles at me and I can't help myself, I have to kiss him. After that one thing leads to another and it takes a little while longer until we have that talk but ultimately we do. Jay talks quite candidly about his relationship with Crystal, how he felt, and still feels, responsible for her problems, and I in turn tell him about Mike. Not only the affair but also the deal we made, our plans for the future, and how Mike didn't make good on his part of the agreement.
It's not always easy to be so honest, for neither of us, but we both know it's necessary if we want our relationship to have a chance. We're building a foundation for our love, piece by piece, confession by confession.
Chapter 19
Kat
The gate of the garage is wide open when I arrive. Looks like the alarmism of the last months is a thing of the past and peace has finally been restored. I've gotten so used to the safety measures, the guys hanging around in some corner, armed to the teeth, that's almost odd to see a perfectly normal gathering without any indication of lingering conflict. I feel as if the MC created a micro state and so far I've only met its army.
Today is completely different from my previous impressions. The whole yard is crowded with cars and motorbikes and people. So many people. Children are running around, quickly ushered aside by adults to let me pass safely. I realize I haven't counted on so many unfamiliar faces. There are girlfriends of course, wives and children, but also guys wearing the patch of the MC I've never seen before. Mostly men from their mid-thirties upwards, some with kids in their arms.
So that's the family Jay always talks about. I was a bit nervous when he invited me to meet them at what he called a traditional pre-Thanksgiving get-together. I certainly didn't anticipate to be confronted with a whole clan and I don't know if that's better or worse than spending an evening with his closest relatives.
“We're having a little party in honour of the occasion,” he told me beforehand. “Not on the day itself when most people are too busy with preparations and their family and the celebration and all that, but on the weekend before. Just a little get-together. And it would be great if you came too. Get to know everybody, you know.”
He looked at me with his sunshine smile so full of anticipation and the slight anxiousness at the prospect of being officially introduced as his girlfriend vanished. He wanted me to take this next step towards me becoming his – how the bikers call it – “old lady” and at this point in our relationship that was an unexpected vote of confidence. It would raise what we had to a new level and I should be happy about that.
I'm still a little worried about meeting his mom, his aunt Linda (who is, after all, also my employer, which makes it extra awkward) and Jay's uncle Greg – not just in passing but for what is supposed to be a more or less formal introduction. What if they don't approve of me? I'm not exactly the kind of girl you'd expect to fit into the lifestyle and close relatives can be a pretty strong influence on a relationship so it would be horrible if they didn't like me.
I'm aware I'm being irrational but some of the fear lingers. I still can't believe my relationship with Jay is going so well. Part of me is still afraid there might be a catch I merely haven't found yet.
I'm overthinking things again. I need to stop worrying and wait and see. Que sera, sera.
So that's what I tell myself when I turn off the ignition. One last glance into the review mirror to check my make-up and I'm ready to go.
The first person I run into is Danny. He's about to enter the club house, the cute billiard girl from the other night in his arm. So this probably means it's official Bring your new Partner-day. I haven't seen her since the evening when I met Jay for the first time but it's nice they're still together. And they look both so happy as they beam at me.
“Hey Kat,” he says, leaning in to kiss me on the cheek. “You remember Haley?”
I shake her hand with the warmest smile I can conjure up on short notice. “We've not been formally introduced so far. Hi, I'm Kat.”
We shake hands and I see some of my own nervousness in her. Probably she's also concerned about passing muster. At least she's already found her boyfriend between all the strangers while I'm still lost. There are just enough people to feel like staring into a shoal of fish.
Danny is reading my mind. Probably he noticed my eyes flicking over the crowd in a futile attempt to localize Jay. “Jay's over there by the fire,” he says, pointing into the direction of a group huddled around a large fire bowl.
I still can't see him between all the people chatting and sipping at their drinks, but I guess it's good enough for me. I'm gonna find him eventually.
<
br /> And indeed I do as soon as I've walked over. He sits crouched on his heels between children roasting marshmallows, that's why I couldn't see him at first. He is helping a little girl with pigtails putting her marshmallow on a skewer.
“There you go,” he says, handing it back to her. “But be careful, okay?” He watches her scurry away before he looks up at me and the intensity of his blue eyes hits me just like the first time and I'm pretty sure I'm blushing. Damn.
“Hey,” I say.
He straightens up and takes that extra step towards me that brings us so close together we're almost touching. There's this electricity between us, a spark. We both relish the tension for a moment before Jay leans closer to kiss me. Not just a peck on the cheek but a proper kiss, lingering lips, the sensual slide of tongues against each other. It's not until I hear some children giggle in the background that I gently push him away.
He looks at me, dreamy-eyed, and I can't help the mad, love-struck smile spread over my face. Why is all of this so perfect?
“Ready to enter the lion's den?” It's a joke, of course, but it's still a little how I feel – I'm still worrying about Jay's mom and Greg and Linda and whoever else is around who's approval I have to earn today.
I should not have worried though. Jay is holding my hand and he doesn't let go and there isn't a moment he's not determined to show everyone how proud he is of me. The message he conveys is quite clear: This is the woman I love.
I could not have wished for more emotional support. Not that I really needed any, everyone is lovely. The looks I get are every bit as friendly as they are curious.
Maria, a beautiful woman in her forties, who Jay introduces as Carlos' wife (and mother of the girl Jay helped with her marshmallow earlier), seems especially thrilled to see me.
“So you are Kat,” she says. “I've heard so much about you.”
It turns out Maria is the florist whom I have to thank for the wonderful arrangements Jay sent me. It's a good starting point for a chat. Soon we are engrossed in a conversation about flower language and bouquets and general florist trends, and I'm so happy someone actually wants to talk to me, not just acknowledge that I'm Jay's new girlfriend. It's not until another person joins us that I realize how little attention I paid to my surroundings.
The newcomer is a woman around Linda's age, tall and blonde and beautiful and unmistakably Jay's mother. There is something in her face, a remarkable likeness of expression that leaves no doubt about them being closely related. And then there are the eyes – a brilliant, intense blue that is every bit as intimidating as I expected.
To my relief Jay's mom, Lynn, is an extraordinarily nice person. Which shouldn't surprise me, after all Jay is pretty great too, but somehow it does. She's got the same slightly domineering air as Linda, which is funny because together, as I am about to find out, they're behaving almost like school girls. It's amazing to see Linda who's always so cool and matter-of-fact thaw a little.
They met in college, they tell me in a flurry of old anecdotes and jokes. Two girls from backgrounds that could have been hardly more different – one from a conservative working class home, the other child of parents who were reasonably well-off artists and travelled a lot.
“We met at a time that was a bit of a crossroads for us both,” Lynn says in a quiet moment to give me a bit of background story. “I wanted to go to law school, just like you. I thought of a career as my way to freedom. And Linda wanted quite the opposite, settle down a bit after years of moving every six months. But things weren't turning out as we expected them to at the time. My brother Greg had recently founded a motorcycle club and was hanging out with some strange guys and Linda totally fell for that and somehow she dragged me along. That's how I met Jay's father and got pregnant and settled down. So in the end we started businesses in Grand Oaks and taught ourselves bookkeeping and everything else you need to know to be successful. I can't say I've regretted it. But I always thought we could use a lawyer in the family.”
She winks at me and chinks her glass against mine and I suppose that's kind of her saying welcome to the family. Overall it's as good a start as I could have wished for my relationship with my quasi mother-in-law. And not just with her. I wouldn't have thought it but the party does change my perspective quite a lot – I already have a pretty good connection to Danny and Leon but apart from that most club members were strangers before I came here.
But now I finally get to know them. It feels as if I'm meeting Greg, Allen and Carlos, three of the MC's eight founding members, for the first time. We've barely exchanged a word so far, nothing beyond ordering drinks at least, and they're quite entertaining to talk to, although they may be perhaps a little too fond of dad jokes. If you look past their slightly gruff demeanour they're only quite ordinary middle-aged men who like leather jackets and tinkering with motorbikes.
Everyone of the guys is incredibly nice, once you get to know them, even the truly nasty looking ones, like Tiny or Tank who are big and brawny and tattooed from the soles of their feet up to the hair line. Rumbles, who also belongs to the muscle faction, brought his boyfriend – and they're adorable together, billing and cooing and unable to keep their hands off each other. This autumn must have been a good season for falling in love.
Everything's going great until I decide to go on a little trip to the buffet all by myself.
I don't see her coming. She steps into my way out of nowhere and my first impulse is self-defence. I jump back, raising my hands to fend her off.
“Uh, sorry,” Crystal says. “I didn't want to startle you. I just wanna talk if that's all right?”
I lower my hands cautiously. I don't trust her, not after that violent outburst the first time I met her. I can do without a black-eye or a bloody lip so I rather keep her at a distance.
Contrary to my expectations she is calm and peaceful this time, possibly even a little nervous. She tucks a loose strand of long blonde hair from her face and bites her bottom lip. At first glance she looks like a high school senior, a picture book prom queen cheerleader type and it's only when you look closer you see that she clearly isn't anymore. There's something worn about her beautiful features. It's the only flaw I can find about her though.
“I just wanted to say sorry for the other night. I can't remember anything but Jay said I behaved like an idiot.” She looks a bit embarrassed and I can't blame her.
“It's okay,” I say, because that's what you say in these kinds of situations. “I can understand why you were upset.” And I'm not lying. I do understand her reaction, at least to a degree. What I don't get is how she could have missed out on the fact Jay wasn't her boyfriend anymore, and she had no right to freak out like she did, but that's probably due to the drugs.
“I've been trying to come to grips with this during therapy,” Crystal says promptly. “I mean you and Jay and the fact I fucked up and lost him.”
I nod for want of anything to contribute. It's awkward as it is.
“However, I only wanted to apologize and let you know I'm cool with it.” She twists a finger into a long strand of hair, lets it go again. It springs back into shape as if we were in a shampoo commercial.
I watch, mesmerized. If that woman had not developed a drug problem, she'd probably be perfect. She's still incredibly pretty as it is. But this is not about me and my insecurities, I remind myself.
“Uhm, okay,” I say. “Thank you.”
I attempt a smile and I think I'm doing all right. At least Crystal seems a bit encouraged.
“Well you know, since we'll be around each other, I thought it would be great if we were...” There's a short pause as if she's bracing herself for the word she's about to use – “Friendly.”
I turn up the volume of my smile a little. “Sure, that'd be nice.” It would indeed be nice. It's just not very likely. At least I can't see us hanging out in the near future. But sometimes miracles do happen and since we're working on a peace treaty here, I'm determined to play along.
“Cool.” She tugs one last time at her marvellous blonde mane, smiles her supermodel smile, says: “See you around,” and strolls off, leaving me slightly stunned behind.
“Did you put her up to this?” I ask Jay when he shows up literally seconds after Crystal left. It's only a rhetorical question, the answer is already written all over his face.
“I guess I owed you a clean slate too,” he says, putting his hands on my hips to pull me closer. “Crystal won't go anywhere and there might still be occasions when she's going to need my help, but I want you both to know you're not in a competition here. I'm in love with you.”
I blink, nonplussed. “What?”
“I said I love you,” Jay repeats.
It's not as if it is news, strictly speaking, I gathered as much, but to hear it spelled out is different. I'm floored by the confession at first. It's like a punch that knocks the air out of your lungs, but in the most wonderful way of course.
“Really?” I ask stupidly. Somehow thought he would say this in a more romantic setting the first time – after making love or when watching a sunset or at breakfast one morning in the sun-drenched kitchen. But here it is and I realize the moment couldn't be better. It's what I needed to hear right now.
Jay kisses me before he answers. “Of course I do, dummy,” he whispers against my lips. “Why do you think I brought you here today?”
“I love you too,” I whisper back.
“Hoped you'd say that.”
We're kissing again, as usually with abandon and it's only after a while that we realize we're still at the party and while we're not exactly in the middle of a crowd, we're still at the party and in plain sight of everyone, children included.
Jay tears himself away from me at last. “Come on, I show you around,” he says, stretching out his hand for me to take. “I've got a room on the first floor. We'll have more privacy there.”
And with that promise he leads me up the stairs...
