by E. L. Todd
“Ugh, I hate you sometimes.”
“Wow,” he said sarcastically. “I hate you all the time.”
“Merry Christmas,” I said sarcastically.
“Now back to Marie,” Axel said. “Is she single?”
“She’s not your type,” Francesca said automatically.
“Not my type?” Axel asked incredulously. “She’s hot. Yes, she is my type.”
“She’s not some girl you can bang and never call again,” Francesca argued. “She’s my best friend. I’m not letting you anywhere near her.”
“Come on,” Axel said. “I can tell she’s—”
“I’ll slap you,” Francesca threatened. “And you know I have a good arm.”
Axel dropped his last sentence. “Tell her to call me if she wants a good time.”
“No.” Francesca headed to the truck and got into the passenger seat.
“What the hell?” Axel asked. “I called shotgun.”
“No, you didn’t,” she argued.
I tried not to laugh at their bickering.
“Get the hell out,” Axel said. “I’m sitting there.”
“Nope.” Francesca put on her safety belt.
“You’re such a brat,” Axel snapped.
“Leave her be,” I said. “I’d rather listen to her silence than your running mouth the whole way.”
Francesca stuck her tongue out at Axel.
Axel glared at her then got into the back.
I got into the driver’s seat then started the engine. “Try to get along. It’s Christmas.”
“I hate her,” Axel said.
“I hate him more,” Francesca said.
“And I hate both of you right now.”
***
The house was blanketed in snow and so were the surrounding trees. Smoke rose from the chimney, and the lights from within the house made it look like it was glowing. It was a safe haven out in the middle of nowhere.
After we got inside, Yaya greeted us like she’d never been so happy. Having all of us in her home was the best Christmas gift of all. And like I expected, she hugged me and made me feel like part of the family.
“You’re such a handsome boy.” She cupped my face then kissed me on the cheek.
“What about me?” Axel asked. “Aren’t I handsome?”
“You’re definitely a boy,” I jabbed.
Yaya laughed then kissed Axel on the cheek. “You’re very handsome too, dear.”
“I am,” Axel said. “It doesn’t hurt to acknowledge it once in a while.”
Francesca rolled her eyes. “My brother needs more attention than I do.”
“Probably because you look like a boy,” Axel jabbed.
She kicked him in the shin before she headed up the stairs.
“Ouch!” Axel hopped on one foot as he held his other shin.
Yaya shrugged. “You had it coming, honey.”
I didn’t feel bad for him at all. In fact, I was trying not to laugh.
“You have the same room as last time,” Yaya said.
That’s what I was hoping for. It was right next to Francesca’s. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”
***
After dinner, we watched TV while the fire burned in the hearth. It was dark outside, but the powder of snow glistened under the moonlight. Sometimes we heard the sound of an owl. It always made Axel jump.
“The country is creepy…” Axel shivered slightly.
“If you’re a sissy,” Francesca jabbed.
“You want me to push you in the fire?” Axel warned.
“I’d like to see you try.” Francesca put down her book and gave him a challenging look.
Axel shook his head. “You’re lucky it’s Christmas.”
“And you’re lucky I’m not going to kick you again.”
Surprisingly, their banter wasn’t annoying. I didn’t have a sibling so I wasn’t sure how they behaved. I wasn’t sure how family dynamics worked at all—until they let me spend the holidays with them.
Yaya had already gone to bed, and I was waiting for Axel to hit the sack too. Francesca and I hadn’t talked about our behavior during the trip. Would she mind if I slept with her? Or was she too afraid we would get caught and people would assume the worst? I couldn’t ask her until we were alone. While I loved being up there with her, surrounded by the snow, I wished I could be myself with her. She was the closest person to me, and I missed our natural relationship. But I had to hide all of that from Axel because he would assume something more was happening between us. I didn’t want him to think I went back on my word and I was sleeping with his sister. Technically, I was. But not in the way he meant.
“I’m sick of listening to your voice.” Axel left the couch and headed to the stairs. “I’m going to sleep.”
“Good riddance.” She picked up her book again.
“You don’t have to stay down here with her.” Axel’s eyes were on me.
“I’m fine.” She was the only person I wanted to be with anyway.
“It’s your funeral.” He headed up the stairs into his bedroom.
After a few minutes of silence, I realized we were alone. “How’s the book?”
“Good.” She turned the page.
“Why are you sitting all the way over there?” I was on the sofa and she was in the armchair.
“The fire.”
I grabbed a cushion then placed it on the ground in front of the fire. Then I lay down with my hands behind my head. “You’re going to leave me all alone?”
She set the book down then crawled onto the floor next to me. We shared the pillow and listened to the fire crackle in the hearth. Our feet were near the opening, so they stayed warm despite the winter chill.
“I like it up here.”
“It’s nice, huh?”
“Yeah. I would like to have a cabin in the woods someday.”
“It would be a little spooky.”
I shook my head. “I’m a grizzly bear. Remember?”
“How could I forget?” She curled up into my side and rested her hand on my stomach.
“So, how are the sleeping arrangements going to be?”
“Meaning?” She released a quiet sigh like she was trying not to fall asleep.
“My room or yours?”
“You want to sleep together?” she asked. “Here?”
“We won’t get caught.”
“You’re sure about that?”
“I’ll go back into my room before anyone wakes up.”
“It’s pretty risky…”
I looked into her eyes and was reminded of the color of algae floating on top of the lake just a mile away from there. “I like risky.”
“If Axel caught us, he’d throw a hissy fit.”
I shrugged. “When did you start caring about his opinion?”
“When it could ruin Christmas. Yaya works really hard to make everything perfect. I don’t want to mess that up for her.”
She was right. “I hope I’m strong enough to stay in my room. You’re right next door.”
“I’ll lock it so you won’t be tempted.” She gave me a playful look.
It would take a lot more than a locked door to stop me from getting to her.
Christmas
Hawke
“You want to build a snowman?” Francesca wore a thigh coat with her hood up. She wore skin-tight ski pants and thick boots. Even though she was completely covered, she still looked cute.
“A snowman?” I’d never done that before.
“Yeah.” She kneeled in the snow with thick gloves on her hands. “We need to make the bottom first. Help me.”
I squatted down beside her and watched what she was doing. I helped her ball the snow into a large mound then pack it until it felt solid. Even though it was freezing cold, I felt warm from all the work. After we made the bottom, we started on the middle section.
“You’ve never done this before?” she asked.
“What gave me away?”
She gave me a gentle smile. “You’re doing great.”
We constructed the head on the very top and had everything completed.
“Now we need to decorate his face.” She grabbed the bag she set off to the side. “I have some olives for the eyes.” She stuck them into the snow but they didn’t look right because the head was too big.
I pulled my sunglasses out of my pocket and placed them over his eyes.
“He looks badass,” she said with a laugh. She grabbed an ear of corn and placed it horizontally across his face.
“It looks like he has yellow teeth.”
“He’s a smoker.”
I chuckled at her joke. “What about his nose?”
She pulled a muffin out of her bag and stuck it in the center of his face. “Ta-da.”
I stood back and admired our work. “This snowman is never going to get laid.”
She laughed. “Those sunglasses make him look pretty cool.”
“But the big nose and yellow teeth aren’t helping his odds.”
The sound of a running motor came to our ears, and we both turned to see Axel come out of the shed on a snowmobile. He hit the gas then headed straight for us.
“What the hell is he doing?” Francesca asked.
“Step back, Muffin.” I grabbed her arm and yanked her away from his path.
Axel ran into the snowman and demolished it. “Take that, suckers.” He hauled ass through the snow.
“Ugh.” She threw her arms down. “What a jerk.”
I picked up my sunglasses from the ground. Fortunately, they weren’t broken. “Let’s make another one.”
“He’ll destroy that too.”
“Then we’ll make another one.” I picked up the fallen pieces. “The funnest part is making it anyway.”
She smiled. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”
***
Christmas Eve arrived, and all of us walked through the snow until we found the perfect tree to chop down.
“This one is perfect.” Francesca’s eyes lit up when she stopped in front of a tall and leafy tree. “Let’s get this one.”
“I like it,” Yaya said. “It’ll look great in the living room.”
“Make way for the man.” Axel had a hatchet over his shoulder. “We need muscle and power.”
“Then why don’t you let Hawke do it?” Francesca jabbed.
I shot her a quick smile.
Axel chopped it down after a few swipes, and the tree crashed on its side. We tied ropes to the base, and Axel and I dragged it across the snow back to the house. Once we were inside, we put it in a base and set it in the corner.
“It is perfect.” Yaya pulled all the ornaments out of a box. “Now let’s decorate it.”
It seemed like a family tradition so I stayed out of the way and sat down. My parents and I never decorated the tree. The one time we did, it led to a huge fight about money. Ever since then, I never bothered participating.
Francesca dug inside the box until she found an ornament. Then she hooked it onto a hanger.
I liked watching her. There was a slight smile on her lips, and I knew I was witnessing a moment that would become a treasured memory.
Instead of walking to the tree, she approached me. “Can you hang this at the top for me? I can’t reach it.”
I knew it was her discreet way of involving me. And it meant a lot to me that she wanted to include me in this family tradition. “Sure.” I stood up and grabbed the ornament from her. It was a wreath with a picture in the center. When I took a closer look at it, I realized it was Francesca with her mom and dad. They were standing outside in the snow with their skis in their arms.
Francesca’s eyes were exactly the same then as they were now. Staring at her when she was a young girl made my heart ache in a way I’d never be able to explain. Her mom was wearing a beanie but I could see their similar features. Francesca looked just like her. Her dad was tall and burly, reminding me of Axel.
“I was eight.” Francesca watched my face. “My dad taught me how to ski that day. I learned everything I know from him.” She turned around and approached the tree. “Could you hang it up there?” She pointed toward the top.
The significance wasn’t lost on me. She was sharing something very deep and personal, and she wanted me to be a part of that. It was the most meaningful gesture I’d ever experienced. I placed the ornament toward the top of the tree then looked at her.
“It looks nice up there.”
I watched the lights reflect in her eyes. “Yes, it does.”
***
After hot cocoa and board games, Yaya retired for the evening. She was so buoyant and full of life that it didn’t surprise me she was pooped out by the end of the day. Axel joined her an hour later. He couldn’t stop yawning, and I was glad he finally went upstairs so I wouldn’t have to listen to it.
I’d been waiting to be alone with Francesca. I got her a Christmas gift but I didn’t want to give it to her in front of her family. “I’ll be right back.”
She looked up from her hot cocoa as she sat in front of the fire. “Okay.”
I retrieved the gift from my bag then returned downstairs. I’d never wrapped a present before, and thankfully, YouTube helped me figure it out. The only thing I didn’t struggle with was putting the bow on top.
I sat beside her on the hardwood floor with the gift in my lap.
She eyed it with excitement in her eyes. “You got me something?”
“Yeah. I didn’t want to give it to you in front of your family.”
She eyed the grandfather clock on the wall. “Well, it’s past midnight so it’s officially Christmas.”
I’d never put so much thought into a gift before, and I knew she would love it. “Here you go.” I handed it to her.
She smiled as she took it and immediately ripped into the wrapping paper. When it was off, she examined the muffin pan in her hands. Then she finally saw the engraving.
The Muffin Girl.
I made it into a nice logo like it was the name of a bakery. I pictured her using this to make her first batch of muffins on opening day.
She stared at it without reacting.
Now I was nervous she didn’t like it. Was it too forward? Was it offensive?
When she turned her gaze back to me, tears were in her eyes. “Hawke…” She ran her thumb along the engraving, feeling the grooves of the words. Then she sniffed loudly. “This is…the best gift I’ve ever gotten.”
Warmth spread through my body in a way I’d never experienced before. It was foreign and unfamiliar. Francesca was the only person who gave me any joy, but now she just gave me even more. “I’m glad you like it.”
“Like it?” She wiped her nose as she sniffed again. “I love it.” She set it down then moved into my arms. She hugged me tightly as she crawled into my lap. “Thank you so much.” Her face was pressed to my chest.
My arms immediately circled her waist and I held her close to me. Making her happy made me happy. It was the first time I felt that way. I’d been so focused on making everyone just as miserable as I was that I hadn’t realized how pointless it was. This actually made me feel good. Francesca made me feel good. I couldn’t care less if I ever got another gift for the rest of my life. This was the best Christmas gift I’d ever gotten.
She finally pulled away even though I didn’t want her to. She turned toward the tree then fished a small present out. “I got you something too.” She set the small present in my hands. It was thin but slightly long. It reminded me of a book. I wondered if that was what it was. But I told her I didn’t read so that wouldn’t make any sense.
“Open it,” she whispered.
I tore the wrapping off then discovered it was a book. But there was no title or author name. It was leather bound and looked like a journal. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful but I wasn’t sure how to react since I didn’t know what it was.
“It’s my journal.” Her voice came out quiet like she was nervous. “I started w
riting it before my mom passed away. I wrote in it every single day, even years after my father took his own life.”
I stared at her and felt my heart race. She was giving me the most personal thing a person possessed.
“I went through a lot of pain and heartache when everything happened. And when my dad left to join my mom, I was really angry. I hated him for being such a coward and leaving Axel and I behind as orphans. The bitterness possessed me for a long time. But one day…I finally got through it. I just thought…this could help you. I know you’ve been through a lot and there doesn’t seem to be an end to the pain. But I want to show you that there is.”
I felt the leather in my fingers before I opened the first page. Her small handwriting filled every inch of space. The date was written in the top right corner. Old tear stains marked the page in certain spots. I hadn’t realized my eyes were wet until I finally blinked. “I don’t know what to say…”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
I shut the journal then stared at her. Her green eyes were glossy with emotion, and her lips were pressed tightly together like she was trying to remain calm. Her long hair trailed down her chest, looking soft and touchable. The Christmas tree sparkled behind her, and the light from the roaring hearth moved across her skin.
The moment we met, there was something there. I didn’t know what it was, and I wasn’t even sure if it was real. But then she said she felt it too, whatever it was that existed between us. I was a dark man set in his ways, but the moment she walked into my life, I completely changed—for the better. I didn’t know what that connection was even though I’d spent every day trying to figure it out.
But now I knew.
***
“Hawke, do you have a woman in your life?” Yaya asked over breakfast one morning.
My immediate reaction was to look at Francesca but I stopped myself. That would have been a dead giveaway. I kept my eyes on my food. “No, I—”
“Tell her about that one girl you’re seeing,” Axel said while his mouth was full of food.
“What?” I blurted, having no idea what he was talking about.
“That girl you mentioned at the bar.” Axel kept eating like he didn’t just throw me under the bus.
“Uh…” My eyes immediately darted to Francesca.
